To be fucking pissed off at DP?

[Between4and30character]

I don't want to drip-feed so please excuse waffling.

DP and I have been together for four years, we previously lived together but due to circumstamces we can't help he is back with his parents and I am renting my own place with my DS.

Our finances have always been a bit of a guddle, he covered all rent and bills from his wage before and I would pay my half to him from my wages. Otherwise, most things were separate. It has grated on me before that once the bills are paid he thinks everything else is for fun, ie. I would end up covering food shopping and petrol where he would spend whatever he had left on concert tickets or going to the football. He did make more of an effort after I said it wasnt on but still spent more on himself than was fair IMO.

Anyway, even though we live apart I still transfer a small amount each month to cover my half of a credit card bill and my phone bill which are in his name. Generally speaking it has always been that bills come off his wage and then he lives off the rest for a couple of weeks until I pay him in the middle of the month.

Whilst he has lived rent-free at his parents, I have had to cover the costs of moving and rent/utilities by myself. I receive a small amount of universal credit to help with this on top of my full-time wage.

This month I have been left really short, I had to find a childminder to do after school care for DS as a couple of family members who usually help now have other commitments. UC pay childcare in arrears so I have had to stump up for a full month that I hadnt budgeted for - not eligible for advance and I am really struggling to make it to payday. I have managed to scrape together enough to cover the childminder but it is DS' birthday this week. I have got him a nice gift but no cake, no card and no little extras. I havent even got food in to feed the family menbers who will be visiting on the day.

I asked DP last week if he might be able to help me out until i get paid at the end of the month. He has just been paid. He said he couldnt afford to and listed a few things he had paid for but it didnt add up.

I dont want to waffle any longer but the jist of it is that he spent nearly £100 in one night in the pub, plus a stupid amount in the app store (£60ish) on a game that he plays, various other shite that is neither sensible or necessary, whilst having bare minimum living costs.

AIBU to be upset he refused to help me even a little hit but managed to spunk aoad of cash on this crap? I mean wtf?

Except @ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents OP says she then transferred him her half and he pissed his wages against the wall whilst she bought food and fuel?

OP, I suppose it depends on your relationship with regards to him helping you out but ultimately you do not sound happy in your relationship? Do you foresee you being able to live together again? Do you think it would be any different to before?

I don't understand why money for food and a cake can't go on the credit card though ...

Because spiral of debt. Because interest. Because maybe they've agreed not to use it any more? Because it's his card.

Stop paying him, tell him you can't afford it. Your child comes first. Buy a pay as you go phone. You gain nothing from your relationship. End it and meet someone that has more to offer.

While I do agree that his money is his to do what he wants with, I also know that there is no way that my partner would watch my struggle while spending his money in the pub and on apps.

At the end of the day though, people's attitudes towards money and spending are often quite deeply engrained, so if you don't like it, you need to seriously think whether he's the guy for you.

Also, why don't you live together anymore? Nobody seems to have mentioned that, but I don't know why that would be the case. I don't know why you are now in a flat alone with your son.

You were buying food etc before and he wasn't managing his money.
Not sure why you're now surprised he doesn't manage his money

You have a child
You are dating a man that lives at home with his parents, can't manage his money, let's his gf pay for his basic life essentials like she's a second mum and values an app and night in the pub more than your child having a lovely birthday.

It's up to him what he does with his money, you have no right to it, but I'm not really sure why you would be bothering with him at this point, you are clearly at different points in your life.

@doginthemanger it entirety depends on the agreement they had. Maybe they agreed as it was all in his name and he was the one taking all the finacial risks she pays for certain things, or maybe he pays for fun activities they do together etc

OP if your partner is happy to spend money on booze and apps while you struggle to pay the bills then he isn't much of a partner. If you cant help your partner when they need it and arent there for him then that's the relationship over as far as I'm concerned.

I assume he isn't their father, as if he is then that disgusting he wont help towards his birthday. If he is you need to claim maintenance asap

If you have relatives coming round for your sons birthday would one of them be able to buy a cake? Have you got any ingredients to make one otherwise?

While I do agree that his money is his to do what he wants with, I also know that there is no way that my partner would watch my struggle while spending his money in the pub and on apps.

Also, why don't you live together anymore? Nobody seems to have mentioned that, but I don't know why that would be the case. I don't know why you are now in a flat alone with your son.

I've asked this but the OP hasn't been back at all to throw some light on the matter.
I think he sounds flaky and is now behaving as if he isn't in a serious relationship any more. He thinks he can spend his money on whatever he likes - he no longer lives with the OP after all and no longer has to pay rent. I wouldn't watch my partner struggle while spending money on crap but the question is whether the OP's DP thinks of himself as her partner or not.

Wonder will the op come back ...

This doesn’t even sound like a relationship to me. You have been together for four years but no longer live together. He lives with his parents presumably rent free whilst you’re stuck paying for rent and bills. He spends all of his wage on absolute bullshit a child would spend their pocket money on, you’re broke and struggling to make it to payday. You want a birthday cake for your son so ask him to help, he refuses.

How often do you even see each other? It just sounds like a bonkers arrangement, I couldn’t deal with this man child.

I apologise for being blunt OP, but to me he seems like a total waste of time. He wastes money on rubbish, and won't help you when you're in a jam. He has zero sense of responsibility, commitment to a partner/family, financial responsibility etc. He will drain you financially and emotionally. Be glad you're living separately, cut ties and be on your own.

I think those who are saying he didn't pay his way when they were living together are spectacularly missing the fact that he paid half of the rent and bills when he was only one person of the three that were living there... so he was effectively subsidising the rent and bills for OP, and in return OP was paying for food. OP was happy to have more than her fair share of rent and bills paid, but complained that he didn't pay for food and fuel and had the audacity to spend his money on himself.

Those suggesting that OP should up and leave the debt to DP are the kind of idiots that give women a bad name and encourage men to keep things separate and not commit

The double standards on here are appalling, and if the boot was on the other foot there would be screams of financial abuse. Get a grip. OP has probably not put away a bit of spare cash just in case DP is short next month, so why on earth should DP keep a pot for her, especially given that she is on a decent wage and top up benefits?

A loving partner wouldn't be coming on the internet slagging off their DP, they'd be slagging off the DC's ACTUAL waster father for not providing for their DC on their birthday!

@usernamealreadytaken agree with this.

I am unsure why you and others think he should be subsidising your lifestyle. You don't live together. You choose to live in the way you want, you also have debt that you have built up. This is not his responsibility.
You are not a victim that needs to be saved from your own irresponsibility by some man. Own up to your actions.

he was only one of only three living there... so he was effectively subsidising the rent and bills for OP and in return OP was paying for food.
You missed off fuel for the car, we don’t know how this was used of course. Ops ds would have been very little at the time. That doesn’t sound like a fair trade at all. He then moved out and op had to move to a cheaper place with her ds and spend a lot on moving costs whereas he seemingly paid nothing toward this. I don’t see how people are spinning this to fair.... unless there is a huge back story.

Stop paying him, tell him you can't afford it. Your child comes first

Why should her DP pay OP’s share of the credit card bill just because she has a child?

You missed off fuel for the car, But whose car is it. We don't know if he ever went in the car and if it was only ever used for the op to commute.

They may only have lived together for 6 months, the op may have wanted him to move in so she could move into a much more expensive property, we know none of these details. All that can be said is that the op asked to have some money and he said he didn't have any to give her.

You want a birthday cake for your son so ask him to help, he refuses.

No he didnt have it when she asked. He had spent it. Again, I dont know anyone who doesnt spend their own money on case their boyfriend/ girlfriend needs it.

Also we have no idea how much OP of hee dp earns. She may earn alot more than him, she may get CMS and is getting some UC.

OP may have loads more than him, left after her bills are paid ans spunked it away.

He then moved out and op had to move to a cheaper place with her ds and spend a lot on moving costs whereas he seemingly paid nothing toward this. I don’t see how people are spinning this to fair.... unless there is a huge back story.

??

This isn't what OP said, she said that they now live apart 'due to circumstances [they] can't help'. She didn't say her DP chose to move out, leaving her in the lurch and forcing her to live somewhere cheaper and bear all the costs of moving.

Bibidy
Where did I say he chose to move out? He moved out due to circumstances unknown and because of these circumstances op also had to move and rent a different place. Op did say she bore the moving costs “I have had to cover the costs of moving and rent/utilities by myself”. Obviously op should have to pay the rent and utilities if her partner isn’t living with her.

He then moved out and op had to move to a cheaper place with her ds and spend a lot on moving costs whereas he seemingly paid nothing toward this. I don’t see how people are spinning this to fair.... unless there is a huge back story.

But that's not what she said at all. You keep putting a spin on this that's wrong. Re-read the OP slowly and carefully. Furthermore, others have speculated she may have separated to claim as a single parent, but she would not answer that either. Nonetheless, it's evident whilst he was there he paid his half of rent and bills.

@mummyoflittledragon OK sorry, must have taken the wrong meaning from your comment, it was just the way you put "He then moved out and op had to move to a cheaper place with her ds and spend a lot on moving costs whereas he seemingly paid nothing toward this" makes it sound like he moved out so OP then had to move, when realistically we don't know that and it may be he had to move out because OP needed to move. Or any number of things.

@usernamealreadytaken You have said everything perfectly. It's a shame those with chips on their shoulders and double standards will never learn. It's always one rule for men on here and another for women. Always grateful to see more level-headed people.

@doginthemanger - actually he paid half of the rent and bills when he was only one person of the three that were living there... so he was effectively subsidising the rent and bills for OP and her DC, and in return OP was paying for food. Don't know about your household, but rent/mortgage and utilities is a far higher spend than food.

OP was happy to have more than her fair share of rent and bills paid, but complained that he didn't pay for food and fuel (we don't know who owned or had more use from the car) and had the audacity to spend the rest of his money on himself. Just because OP doesn't agree with how he spends his money, doesn't mean he shouldn't be free to spend it that way; if he were spending it on buying books or music, would that be as wrong? Is it just because it's "only computer games" that makes it less acceptable?

You live separate, why should he fund you?