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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking pissed off at DP?

213 replies

Between4and30character · 17/09/2019 03:56

I don't want to drip-feed so please excuse waffling.

DP and I have been together for four years, we previously lived together but due to circumstamces we can't help he is back with his parents and I am renting my own place with my DS.

Our finances have always been a bit of a guddle, he covered all rent and bills from his wage before and I would pay my half to him from my wages. Otherwise, most things were separate. It has grated on me before that once the bills are paid he thinks everything else is for fun, ie. I would end up covering food shopping and petrol where he would spend whatever he had left on concert tickets or going to the football. He did make more of an effort after I said it wasnt on but still spent more on himself than was fair IMO.

Anyway, even though we live apart I still transfer a small amount each month to cover my half of a credit card bill and my phone bill which are in his name. Generally speaking it has always been that bills come off his wage and then he lives off the rest for a couple of weeks until I pay him in the middle of the month.

Whilst he has lived rent-free at his parents, I have had to cover the costs of moving and rent/utilities by myself. I receive a small amount of universal credit to help with this on top of my full-time wage.

This month I have been left really short, I had to find a childminder to do after school care for DS as a couple of family members who usually help now have other commitments. UC pay childcare in arrears so I have had to stump up for a full month that I hadnt budgeted for - not eligible for advance and I am really struggling to make it to payday. I have managed to scrape together enough to cover the childminder but it is DS' birthday this week. I have got him a nice gift but no cake, no card and no little extras. I havent even got food in to feed the family menbers who will be visiting on the day.

I asked DP last week if he might be able to help me out until i get paid at the end of the month. He has just been paid. He said he couldnt afford to and listed a few things he had paid for but it didnt add up.

I dont want to waffle any longer but the jist of it is that he spent nearly £100 in one night in the pub, plus a stupid amount in the app store (£60ish) on a game that he plays, various other shite that is neither sensible or necessary, whilst having bare minimum living costs.

AIBU to be upset he refused to help me even a little hit but managed to spunk aoad of cash on this crap? I mean wtf?

OP posts:
Tilltheendoftheline · 17/09/2019 09:07

OP has had an unexpected expense. She was asking to be helped out until payday, not for him to cover her childcare costs in perpetuity.

And where is the unexpected expense. OP hasn't said childcare requirement came out of nowhere.

Family members have other commitments. She could have been told 6 months ago.

Bibidy · 17/09/2019 09:11

AIBU to be upset he refused to help me even a little hit but managed to spunk aoad of cash on this crap? I mean wtf?

Sorry OP, but I do think you're being unreasonable.

It's fine to feel disappointed that your partner is unable to help you but at the end of the day his money is his and if he's spent it then he's spent it - what can he do?

Maybe if you had tapped him up ahead of time he may have been able to assist, but it sounds like he just doesn't have the funds to help you out this month.

Could you ask one of the family members who are visiting for DS's birthday to temporarily lend you some cash? Or ask them all to bring a plate?

DoctorAllcome · 17/09/2019 09:12

@category12
“Op explained where her money went in the opening post.”

You mean she trotted out a few excuses with zero concrete information in regards to outgoings and income.....

everyonecaneffoff · 17/09/2019 09:14

It would have been helpful to know a little of the backstory here.
Why is he now living at his parents while you live in a rental flat alone? Does this have something to do with the ability to claim benefits as a single parent? Or is there some other reason such as him needing to live with elderly, ailing parents.

How does he see the situation? Does he still consider himself to be your full-time partner or does he see it has having taken a sort of step back to a looser relationship - bf and gf or even just dating?

It's hard to say who is being unreasonable without knowing more of the backstory. If he is still a full-time partner, just living separately for a while?, then I think he could have contributed towards your son's birthday party. After all he has lived with you for a while and you are still together so he could have helped out.
However, if he thinks of this as just dating, then there's no reason at all why he should be expected to contribute at all.
I think you see this relationship as more serious than he does.

Also, what he now does with his money is none of your business. You're not living together and he is no longer paying half the bills and rent. The situation you were in before was unacceptable - him wasting money on crap and you paying for food and petrol.
However, now he can waste however much money he wants on whatever he wants and it has nothing to do with you because he is now living rent-free at his parents and is not sharing a home with you.

He sounds like he's kind of checked out of the relationship a bit. Not sure why you've moved back to living separately but it's not a good sign. It's a sign of a relationship going backward and not forward. Most likely it will continue to go backward until there is nothing left.
It's good though - he sounds like he isn't responsible enough for a serious living together relationship or marriage.

Bibidy · 17/09/2019 09:15

I'm shocked by some of these comments!

OP's doesn't have a right to her DP's money! I cannot believe there are people on here saying she should stop paying him for her own phone bill and share of the credit card debt - imagine if this was the other way round!!? That is completely unacceptable.

He says he can't afford to help out and that should be the end of it - he has every right to spend his money however he chooses, and how was he supposed to know that OP was going to need this help? If she asked ahead of time then maybe, but it sounds like he genuinely just doesn't have the spare cash to help her out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2019 09:16

@Bibidy
If you read what op has written. She paid half of everything plus food and petrol. He’s been sponging off the person he’s supposed to love and treated her with contempt for some time. Odds on what op spent on him is larger than her half of the debt so yes, she should walk away. She cannot afford not to, whereas he can afford to pay it as he is living rent free. An honourable partner would never have expected her to in the first place.

DoctorAllcome · 17/09/2019 09:16

Stop giving him money for the credit card. It’s in his name therefore legally his debt.

How can this be encouraged? That’s screwing someone over to charge your stuff to their credit card and not pay them back!

DoctorAllcome · 17/09/2019 09:19

He’s been sponging off the person he’s supposed to love and treated her with contempt for some time.

BULL. How is it “sponging” or “contempt” to keep allowing a partner to run up debts on your own credit card or refuse to lend them even more money?

Bibidy · 17/09/2019 09:20

Odds on what op spent on him is larger than her half of the debt so yes, she should walk away. She cannot afford not to, whereas he can afford to pay it as he is living rent free. An honourable partner would never have expected her to in the first place.

No she shouldn't, there is literally no excuse for accruing debt in someone's name and then walking away and leaving it to them to pay off. If you can't afford to repay your share then don't run it up! Not that OP has even suggested she would ever do this.

DoctorAllcome · 17/09/2019 09:22

she should walk away.

But she’s not doing this. She lives alone but cannot manage her money and is complaining that he will not give her more money with a sob story about her kids birthday to tug on the heart strings.

And now, you are advising her to just not pay off the debts she ran up in his name?

joaninthesun · 17/09/2019 09:26

*Angrybird123

I think all this interrogating of the OP is somewhat missing the point of her post.. It was about the lack of care from her partner. If they've been together 4 years, father or not, a decent guy would not mind subbing a few quid for the child's birthday cake. No he doesn't HAVE to, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who was so tight. It works both ways obviously, not just one subbing the other but a committed relationship ought to involve wanting to help*

This.

As another poster said, I’d hate to be in a relationship with some posters.

category12 · 17/09/2019 09:28

It's not a question of "having rights" to his money, it's more what is the loving thing to do in a relationship when your girlfriend/partner is struggling and a child you're involved with is having a birthday. I'd scrape up some money. I'd do it for a mate much less someone I'd been with for 4 years. Ffs.

category12 · 17/09/2019 09:30

The bar for blokes is so low, yet some apparently get cheered on for limboing under it.

Atalune · 17/09/2019 09:31

He’s horrible. Get rid.

IdblowJonSnow · 17/09/2019 09:31

He sounds awful. Crap with money and immature and selfish.
It's not about op feeling entitled to money, any partner who is decent and caring would want to help out.
Ditch him.

Bibidy · 17/09/2019 09:32

It's not a question of "having rights" to his money, it's more what is the loving thing to do in a relationship when your girlfriend/partner is struggling and a child you're involved with is having a birthday. I'd scrape up some money. I'd do it for a mate much less someone I'd been with for 4 years. Ffs.

But why is there the assumption that he can afford to 'scrape up some money' when she's said that he can't afford to help?

If he was flush then fine, it could be seen as mean not to help out, but if he's saying he can't afford it then what is he meant to do?

So what if he lives at home, if he wasn't expecting this request from OP and has spent all his money already then what is he meant to do?

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 17/09/2019 09:32

How many people would agree that a woman who lived at home with her parents, should watch their personal spending incase their boyfriend, who they dont live with, needs money for his child? (This is obviously presuming the child isnt his).

Oh of course, it would not be MN if many women didn't out their double standards. Let's all remind ourselves that in the MN world, a woman's money is her own and she should be as selfish as she can be with it and a man's money has to be joint otherwise he's useless, abusive, a loser and so on.

Just another thread highlighting the usual, as frustrating as it is, what more can reasonable people expect.

Tilltheendoftheline · 17/09/2019 09:35

If they've been together 4 years, father or not, a decent guy would not mind subbing a few quid for the child's birthday cake.
Except he does have it.

The point is we dont know enough.

OP is saying f he spent his money on things she thinks are pointless and shit. He had already spent it.

I wonder of pp account for all her spending and runs it by him, to see if he deems it a good use of money?

He very may well have been happy to give her the money, had he known before.

Again, would you expect a woman to monitor her own personal spending money, In case her boyfriend needed some to borrow some money at some point?

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 17/09/2019 09:36

Stop giving him money for the credit card. It’s in his name therefore legally his debt.

Honestly, some women on here and what they say is just vile and horrendous. How on earth do you not see your double standards? Is your hatred of men that strong?

Such advise is awful and it certainly should not be encouraged. Why is giving impartial advice so difficult? Would you have said this to a man?

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 17/09/2019 09:38

@Mummyoflittledragon Did you conventionally miss the part where he paid all of the rent and bills when they lived together? You're talking about honour, yet your post shows nothing but ignorance and double standards.

Bibidy · 17/09/2019 09:39

OP is saying f he spent his money on things she thinks are pointless and shit. He had already spent it.

I wonder of pp account for all her spending and runs it by him, to see if he deems it a good use of money?

He very may well have been happy to give her the money, had he known before.

Again, would you expect a woman to monitor her own personal spending money, In case her boyfriend needed some to borrow some money at some point?

@Tilltheendoftheline BINGO!

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 17/09/2019 09:42

@Mummyoflittledragon Sorry that should be conveniently*

RedskyLastNight · 17/09/2019 09:52

DP has said he "couldn't" help, not he "wouldn't" help. He doesn't have the money, any more than OP does. If OP had asked earlier, maybe she would have got a different answer. It's not up to her to vet whether she thinks his purchases (before he knew she needed money) are worthy or not.
I don't understand why money for food and a cake can't go on the credit card though ...

doginthemanger · 17/09/2019 09:54

he covered all rent and bills from his wage before and I would pay my half to him from my wages

Did you not notice that bit ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents?

And she paid for food and petrol while he paid for concert tickets and football. Even if that wasn't every week it still shows that he's immature and not interested in being a proper partner.

Wtfdoipick · 17/09/2019 10:01

I don't understand why money for food and a cake can't go on the credit card though

I would hope that the credit card has been cut up to prevent it being used, so neither of them can add to the balance. It would hardly be fair if he was constantly adding to the credit card would it.

The op isn't angry saying he can get the money but won't she's angry because of what he spent it on when she needed it.