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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking pissed off at DP?

213 replies

Between4and30character · 17/09/2019 03:56

I don't want to drip-feed so please excuse waffling.

DP and I have been together for four years, we previously lived together but due to circumstamces we can't help he is back with his parents and I am renting my own place with my DS.

Our finances have always been a bit of a guddle, he covered all rent and bills from his wage before and I would pay my half to him from my wages. Otherwise, most things were separate. It has grated on me before that once the bills are paid he thinks everything else is for fun, ie. I would end up covering food shopping and petrol where he would spend whatever he had left on concert tickets or going to the football. He did make more of an effort after I said it wasnt on but still spent more on himself than was fair IMO.

Anyway, even though we live apart I still transfer a small amount each month to cover my half of a credit card bill and my phone bill which are in his name. Generally speaking it has always been that bills come off his wage and then he lives off the rest for a couple of weeks until I pay him in the middle of the month.

Whilst he has lived rent-free at his parents, I have had to cover the costs of moving and rent/utilities by myself. I receive a small amount of universal credit to help with this on top of my full-time wage.

This month I have been left really short, I had to find a childminder to do after school care for DS as a couple of family members who usually help now have other commitments. UC pay childcare in arrears so I have had to stump up for a full month that I hadnt budgeted for - not eligible for advance and I am really struggling to make it to payday. I have managed to scrape together enough to cover the childminder but it is DS' birthday this week. I have got him a nice gift but no cake, no card and no little extras. I havent even got food in to feed the family menbers who will be visiting on the day.

I asked DP last week if he might be able to help me out until i get paid at the end of the month. He has just been paid. He said he couldnt afford to and listed a few things he had paid for but it didnt add up.

I dont want to waffle any longer but the jist of it is that he spent nearly £100 in one night in the pub, plus a stupid amount in the app store (£60ish) on a game that he plays, various other shite that is neither sensible or necessary, whilst having bare minimum living costs.

AIBU to be upset he refused to help me even a little hit but managed to spunk aoad of cash on this crap? I mean wtf?

OP posts:
doginthemanger · 17/09/2019 13:43

usernamealreadytaken

I was pointing out the inaccuracy of a post claiming the partner paid all the rent and bills, not commenting on whether the partner should have paid half or a third of the rent and bills.

I'm quite surprised though that a child would be regarded as a third as far as rent and bills are concerned. (Given that a childminder was needed I'm assuming a fairly young child).

usernamealreadytaken · 17/09/2019 13:57

@doginthemanger

I'm not sure I'd make too much of a distinction regarding a young child as a third for rent and bills, assuming they would have their own bedroom which would need lighting, heating etc, whereas a couple with no children could potentially live in a smaller property with less demand on utilities. If anything, DC would need much less food so I would be Hmm if DP had been asked to pay half for food.

Philmitchell · 17/09/2019 14:18

Sounds like he moved out so you could fiddle benefits

Original poster
Between4and30character · 17/09/2019 16:38

Wow ok. I've tried to read through everyones views and will reply/ clear as much up as I can remember.

Firstly, there is no "benefit fiddling" happening at all. He spends a night or two here a week and contributes nothing, which is fair enough, he doesn't live here and DS is not his son.

I made myself vulenerable by moving away from my support network to live with him. I was forced to move to a more expensive place, alone a couple of months ago. It was his choice to move back with his parents, although given the circumstances under which he made this choice (nothing to do with our relationship) I understand why.

Credit card/ phone in his name was something we decided on together whilst living as a couple - I have no intention of flouncing the responsibility for paying my share.

The childcare costs were unexpected, I had arrangements in place that fell through whilst I am still trying to recover from costs of moving.

When we spoke about what we were going to do re: moving I told him I was unhappy and that I felt like it was a step back in our relationship, he is the one who spent time reassuring me it wasnt and that we would still be fully committed to each other.

I asked him before he got paid if he could help out, which he agreed to. He then went on to spend a fuck tonne of money on himself and then told me he couldnt help. I do think thats pretty selfish given that our relationship isnt just dating and that since telling me that he has still managed to go out.

I accept I have no rights or entitlement to his money but given that a couple of weeks ago I was happy to give him my last fiver for something less important than a child's birthday I figured it wasn unreasonable to think he could help out with a small amount for a couple of weeks - an amount that was obviously disposable to him anyway given how he spent it.

Sorry if I've missed anything - I wasnt expecting so many replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Between4and30character · 17/09/2019 16:48

lovemenorca I receive less than half that amount in UC on a 17k a year wage so I must be doing something wrong.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/09/2019 16:57

He's not worth your effort, OP. Dump recommended.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2019 17:36

You moved to be with him and he moved back to his parents house. I’m figuring his parents needed him there for some reason, perhaps death of ill health etc. He stays with you one or two nights a week and think it’s ok he contributes nothing.

I imagine the agreement was you’d rent live together in his local area. Would you have moved had he stayed rent free at his parents house? Im figuring not. Yet this is exactly what has happened. He is supposed to see you as his partner. What honourable person would refuse to help you out, not fritter his money on crap?

You made choices based on joint decisions. I think he sees you as an option. I would dump him and think about whether you want to move back home.

uokhun25 · 17/09/2019 17:59

Oh god - just dump this guy and move on!

He's not interested in anything serious with you - you guys have taken a backwards step in your relationship and he's not interested in getting it back on track!

Your being taken for a ride! Sorry but you gotta let him go!

2girlsandagap · 17/09/2019 18:01

Is he paying maintenance or covering your childcare? Why is he swanning around with no commitments while you shoulder all the responsibility of parenting? Op I’m quite appalled at his attitude.

RavenLG · 17/09/2019 18:09

If he is not DPs son I think YABU asking him to cover childcare costs. Where is DPs biological dad? He should be helping out with his sons needs?

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 17/09/2019 19:08

@2girlsandagap because by the sounds he is not the father

lovemenorca · 17/09/2019 19:12

Op if HMRC ever audit you - you’re buggered. Fact that you transfer for half of credit card and phone bill.
They are going to think you and partner are living together but pretending not to

choli · 17/09/2019 19:16

I think OP sees this man as a partner and he doesn't feel the same way. Best to get rid.

Tilltheendoftheline · 17/09/2019 19:18

@2girlsandagap it's not clear that he is the dad.

Tilltheendoftheline · 17/09/2019 19:21

The childcare costs were unexpected, I had arrangements in place that fell through whilst I am still trying to recover from costs of moving.

Hang on.

You moved away from your support network. Yet, family were providing childcare until recently? You cant have moved that far.

And also your op never said that he agreed before he got paid and went back on the agreement.

It sounds like you are changing small details to prove are being reasonable.

Weebitawks · 17/09/2019 19:24

I don't understand why you need more money from him?

He pays part of your rent and he doesn't live there? It would of been Different if your son was his of course.

To be honest, you sound pretty cheeky.

everyonecaneffoff · 17/09/2019 19:25

It was his choice to move back with his parents, although given the circumstances under which he made this choice (nothing to do with our relationship) I understand why.

But why did he move back in with them? Was there no other solution that the two of you could work out so you could continue to live together?
Unless there is a damn good reason it sounds to me that he was trying to dial back the relationship a bit, despite his assertions to the contrary.
I've learned from bitter experience that you should look at a man's actions rather than listen to his words to work out what is really going on there.

OooErMissus · 17/09/2019 19:31

This isn't a real relationship. Or at least, he certainly doesn't see it that way.

By all means, hang around for the scraps, if that's actually what you want.

justbeingadad · 17/09/2019 19:33

Ultimately, you have no right to expect money from him. It's not his fault you didn't understand how UC worked etc etc.

You've not stated the reason he can't live with you which makes this rather cloudy.

However - if everything you've said about his financial situation is trcorrect, and if he really was your DP of 4 years it would be very very strange for him not to help you out.

Reading between the lines, I'd suggest he isn't interested in continuing / progressing the relationship seriously,

@Soon2BeMumof3
A lot of people (men and women) spend money on hobbies. If you can't afford it, that's a totally different issue, but it sounds like he can afford it - just not afford it AND pay for his "DP".

We don't know the full details of the financial expectations other than the OP thinks the financials are overall unbalanced.

2girlsandagap · 17/09/2019 19:40

@tilltheendoftheline Noted. Regardless of whether he’s the father he’s encouraged OP to uproot her life, taken her away from her support system based on what sounds like empty promises. Presumably he knew she had a child and was at some point prepared for all that involves. It’s incredibly shitty behaviour to then decide he wants to run home to mummy and leave op to deal with the fall out. To then deny her assistance when she asks is beyond mean. He’s supposed to love the woman and yet is willing to see her and her child in hardship when he could help- it didn’t sound like op wanted a handout more a break whilst she gets used to all the added expenses HE caused with his flaky behaviour. I’d find it hard to forgive him for that- not for herself but for causing hardships to her child.

Suebnm · 17/09/2019 19:58

Do Universal Credit know you see him as your partner? Or is he partner only for the benefit of mumsnet and boyfriend/date for Universal Credit?

A woman doesn't have to live with someone for UC to class them as partners.

Wildorchidz · 17/09/2019 20:04

You moved away from your support network. Yet, family were providing childcare until recently? You cant have moved that far.

This. And she also implies that those family members could still provide childcare if they didn’t have other commitments ..
so she can’t be that far from the support network ..

Ellisandra · 17/09/2019 20:20

Absolutely fuck this.

If you are still a couple, and he is staying 1-2 nights a week with you, and he is rent free at his parents’ place but “had” to move there... he should he paying the same half of the rent that he committed to in the first place!!!!!

My husband went to stay with his daughter for a week in the summer when she was very ill. He didn’t try to get out of the mortgage that week Hmm

Either you’re together or you’re not. I would say you’re not. So move back home. Certainly don’t expect any money off him.

You shouldn’t have ignored the fact he was selfish in the first place.

CoinOperatedBoy · 17/09/2019 20:24

OP. He doesn't care if his partner and her little boy are struggling and is spending his money on himself... away from you, having a good one, not worrying. Bit of big stinking red flag there don't you think?

That's completely his choice though, as he has no responsibilty to you, and you are both equally covering the debt you both owe.

Doesn't matter if you ""loaned him your last fiver just last week". That doesn't mean he's legally obliged to loan you some the week after.

It doesn't sound like love to me OP. I'd have a long think about your future with this guy because, if he's anything like my ex, the "not caring, out boozing" thing won't suddenly stop if you start living together again.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2019 21:58

Op, have you posted about him before? Something rings a bell?