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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking pissed off at DP?

213 replies

Between4and30character · 17/09/2019 03:56

I don't want to drip-feed so please excuse waffling.

DP and I have been together for four years, we previously lived together but due to circumstamces we can't help he is back with his parents and I am renting my own place with my DS.

Our finances have always been a bit of a guddle, he covered all rent and bills from his wage before and I would pay my half to him from my wages. Otherwise, most things were separate. It has grated on me before that once the bills are paid he thinks everything else is for fun, ie. I would end up covering food shopping and petrol where he would spend whatever he had left on concert tickets or going to the football. He did make more of an effort after I said it wasnt on but still spent more on himself than was fair IMO.

Anyway, even though we live apart I still transfer a small amount each month to cover my half of a credit card bill and my phone bill which are in his name. Generally speaking it has always been that bills come off his wage and then he lives off the rest for a couple of weeks until I pay him in the middle of the month.

Whilst he has lived rent-free at his parents, I have had to cover the costs of moving and rent/utilities by myself. I receive a small amount of universal credit to help with this on top of my full-time wage.

This month I have been left really short, I had to find a childminder to do after school care for DS as a couple of family members who usually help now have other commitments. UC pay childcare in arrears so I have had to stump up for a full month that I hadnt budgeted for - not eligible for advance and I am really struggling to make it to payday. I have managed to scrape together enough to cover the childminder but it is DS' birthday this week. I have got him a nice gift but no cake, no card and no little extras. I havent even got food in to feed the family menbers who will be visiting on the day.

I asked DP last week if he might be able to help me out until i get paid at the end of the month. He has just been paid. He said he couldnt afford to and listed a few things he had paid for but it didnt add up.

I dont want to waffle any longer but the jist of it is that he spent nearly £100 in one night in the pub, plus a stupid amount in the app store (£60ish) on a game that he plays, various other shite that is neither sensible or necessary, whilst having bare minimum living costs.

AIBU to be upset he refused to help me even a little hit but managed to spunk aoad of cash on this crap? I mean wtf?

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 17/09/2019 06:34

I'm also confused. If he's your son's dad then surely he should be contributing towards his childcare fees. If he's not your son's dad and is basically just a boyfriend, I don't think it's his responsibility.

It's crap, but it's the way things are.

Teachermaths · 17/09/2019 06:34

Blimey UC of £720 in a £24k salary, that's loads. Are you sure that's right?!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 17/09/2019 06:34

(Ignore that bit about school age fuck knows why I thought DS was 4)

BlackCatSleeping · 17/09/2019 06:35

The OP says "my child", so I'm guessing he's not the dad though.

Angrybird123 · 17/09/2019 06:37

I agree with the pp who said some of these responses are harsh and rather sad actually it's not the OPs 'choice' to pay rent, presumably living rent free isn't an option for her. She has explained that UC isn't coming anytime soon which is why she was short this month. Regardless of the child, this guy is meant to be her partner and she is struggling. My partner of 2 years, who I do not live with, took on a monthly bill for me until the contract ran out when I took a financial hit and was down several £££ a month. He didn't have to, but he loves me and wanted to help. OP personally. I would be ending this and moving on. He's obviously got used to living like a teenager again.

Bouffalant · 17/09/2019 06:38

Is DS his? Should you be entitled to CMS if you're living apart?

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2019 06:40

Why aren't you living together? It sounds like he's never been financially responsible tbh
Cut your losses

slipperywhensparticus · 17/09/2019 06:41

My ex partner would sub me If I needed it he was a twat though in the end

Tilltheendoftheline · 17/09/2019 06:43

Theres so much detail here that can change what's happening.

I mean op obviously earns a decent wage. Is she also getting CMS, from the childs father? What does she earn compared to him?

Plus having a partner that helps you financially, should be declared to UC, whether they live there or not.

Then it's the fact that ds birthday is this week. That suggests poor financial planning. Maybe if she had discussed this with him earlier, he would have been happy to help. As it is, it seems she asked after he spent his spare money.

How many people would agree that a woman who lived at home with her parents, should watch their personal spending incase their boyfriend, who they dont live with, needs money for his child? (This is obviously presuming the child isnt his).

Sciurus83 · 17/09/2019 06:45

I am also surprised how much UC is. Wow.

DontPushMePushAPushPop · 17/09/2019 06:50

I really don't think that £742 UC per month is correct, if so then I am clearly doing something wrong

amylou8 · 17/09/2019 06:50

He's an idiot. Your finances are separate, he's not obliged to help you (unless DC is his), but surely he would want to. This would tell me all I needed to know about him, and any future we had together.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 17/09/2019 06:50

Then it's the fact that ds birthday is this week. That suggests poor financial planning

She had to fork out for a months worth of extra child care

Plus I’d gently suggest most parents don’t get all their children’s birthday stuff far in advance inless it’s special and time limited (ie a limited edition toy).

FAQs · 17/09/2019 06:52

So are you claiming benefits as a single parent?

category12 · 17/09/2019 06:52

He sounds a flake and you should really rethink why you're with someone so stupid with money. It doesn't bode well for any sort of future together, especially when you have a child.

If he genuinely doesn't have it, then nothing to be done - but really, it's pathetic. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone in your life you could rely on?

Shmithecat2 · 17/09/2019 06:53

He's not your partner. Boyfriend at most - you don't live together, I'm assuming your ds is not his. It would be nice if he could help you but he's not obliged to.

Actionhasmagic · 17/09/2019 06:55

He sounds mean

swingofthings · 17/09/2019 06:59

It sounds like he moved out so you could claim benefits as a single parent. If that's the case, when you are clearly still a couple and are tied financially by giving him money, you are putting yourself at risk of being found to be claiming fraudulently and rightly so.

You can't have it both way, claim benefits to get extra income for yourself, whilst wanting him to pay more towards bills. If the reason for him to move was indeed so you could claim, then I understand his reluctance, after all, he probably preferred living with you that at his parents.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2019 06:59

Difficult. Bottom line is although many people will help. You don't live together, this isn't his child, and he doesn't need to lend you money. How he spends his money is up to him. It's really not your choice nor is it his fault or problem that you're struggling.

What caused you to not live together?

KenAdams · 17/09/2019 07:00

Are you not living together so you can claim as a single parent?

Putyourdamnshoeson · 17/09/2019 07:03

That UC figure sounds made up. Or wrong.

If he's not your ds' dad, then you're dating and he's moved out why?

Angrybird123 · 17/09/2019 07:06

I think all this interrogating of the OP is somewhat missing the point of her post.. It was about the lack of care from her partner. If they've been together 4 years, father or not, a decent guy would not mind subbing a few quid for the child's birthday cake. No he doesn't HAVE to, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who was so tight. It works both ways obviously, not just one subbing the other but a committed relationship ought to involve wanting to help.

Cookit · 17/09/2019 07:06

If he’s not his child I don’t think you should expect his money. He’s not living with you anymore so other than the phone bill and the CC there are no shared expenses so I don’t really see why everything shouldn’t be on you. Very different if you were living together as a family (even if he’s not the father) where life and money should be at least partly shared.

HOWEVER he also sounds like a child and I’d be re-thinking the relationship.

Carthage · 17/09/2019 07:07

If you were my friend I'd help you out for your kid's birthday, let alone your partner. He sounds mean and immature tbh OP. Sorry.

It's not about being obliged to help you, it's the fact he doesn't want to help you that concerns me. Like the PP said, he's not a partner, he's at best a boyfriend. The fact that he didn't feel obliged to pay for half of the food and the petrol when you were living together speaks volumes. I'd be seriously questioning this relationship. He sounds like a man child living with his parents and spending his money on computer games.

Tojigornot · 17/09/2019 07:09

How many people would agree that a woman who lived at home with her parents, should watch their personal spending incase their boyfriend, who they dont live with, needs money for his child? (This is obviously presuming the child isnt his).

Yeah, that thread wouldn’t be going quite the same way this one is.