To be fucking pissed off at DP?

[Between4and30character]

I don't want to drip-feed so please excuse waffling.

DP and I have been together for four years, we previously lived together but due to circumstamces we can't help he is back with his parents and I am renting my own place with my DS.

Our finances have always been a bit of a guddle, he covered all rent and bills from his wage before and I would pay my half to him from my wages. Otherwise, most things were separate. It has grated on me before that once the bills are paid he thinks everything else is for fun, ie. I would end up covering food shopping and petrol where he would spend whatever he had left on concert tickets or going to the football. He did make more of an effort after I said it wasnt on but still spent more on himself than was fair IMO.

Anyway, even though we live apart I still transfer a small amount each month to cover my half of a credit card bill and my phone bill which are in his name. Generally speaking it has always been that bills come off his wage and then he lives off the rest for a couple of weeks until I pay him in the middle of the month.

Whilst he has lived rent-free at his parents, I have had to cover the costs of moving and rent/utilities by myself. I receive a small amount of universal credit to help with this on top of my full-time wage.

This month I have been left really short, I had to find a childminder to do after school care for DS as a couple of family members who usually help now have other commitments. UC pay childcare in arrears so I have had to stump up for a full month that I hadnt budgeted for - not eligible for advance and I am really struggling to make it to payday. I have managed to scrape together enough to cover the childminder but it is DS' birthday this week. I have got him a nice gift but no cake, no card and no little extras. I havent even got food in to feed the family menbers who will be visiting on the day.

I asked DP last week if he might be able to help me out until i get paid at the end of the month. He has just been paid. He said he couldnt afford to and listed a few things he had paid for but it didnt add up.

I dont want to waffle any longer but the jist of it is that he spent nearly £100 in one night in the pub, plus a stupid amount in the app store (£60ish) on a game that he plays, various other shite that is neither sensible or necessary, whilst having bare minimum living costs.

AIBU to be upset he refused to help me even a little hit but managed to spunk aoad of cash on this crap? I mean wtf?

@justbeingadad for the sake of argument let's say that everyone agrees that a £60 expenditure within a gaming app is an expenditure towards a legitimate and respectable hobby and pastime for a grown man.

Of course it's fine to spend your own money on hobbies if you can afford to.

But he can't afford it. That's the point. The man ran out of money to the point where he said he had literally no money left, didn't he? He said it was all gone, he didn't have £10 for a cake and a card. He didn't say 'I don't want/shouldn't have to/never agreed to pay for your son's expenses', he said the money was gone.

No responsible adult spends all their money until it is gone unless they are in poverty and have no choice. They especially don't spend £60 on a non-essential cost like a gaming app.

He lives with his parents, he pays no rent, he doesn't pay for petrol, he has no major costs that we've been told about. He should be using this time to save money. Yet he is managing to blow through his entire salary as it comes. He is wildly irresponsible and stupid with money.

It's his right to spend his money however he wants. Being bad with money is no crime. But OP needs to take a look at this guy and realise he's an irresponsible idiot before she wastes anymore of her time or involves her young son any further.

OP, obviously you don't have any kind of legal or moral right to his money. But you 100% have to right to decide whether you want to be with this man as he is, or with a man who is responsible and kind enough to want and be able to help you when you're in a bind.

This guy isn't right for you, and I hope you realise it and find someone better very soon.

Where did I say he pays half my rent and childcare costs? He pays nothing towards my expenses at all, which as I have already said is fine, he doesn't live here and I am living as a single person. I don't expect regular financial support from him in any way. I asked him for a sub to cover me for a couple of weeks so I could afford the last bits for my son's birthday.

I understand perfectly how universal credit works, that doesn't change the fact that I had to start using childcare unexpectedly and wont receive any help with this until a month after I have had to shell out a few hundred pounds to cover it.

I know he's not "legally obliged" to loan me anything, just as I'm not legally obliged to cover my half of bills which are in his name, but I do it because we are a couple. Do none of you in relationships ever help each other in hard times?

In relation to my support network, they live over an hours drive away and work full time themselves, is that enough for you?

I had one other family member and someone from his family who were able to help when I moved but that is no longer the case.

UC and/or HMRC are welcome to audit me at any time, I was honest about my/ his circumstances when I first claimed it and there was no issue.

I refer to him as my partner because that's what he has been for years now

@Soon2BeMumof3

I think you make good points. My single point was that a man spending 60quid on a game does not make him "not a grown man" which is essentially what you said.

In his context and situation, I think it's questionable. It's clear he doesn't value his DP child or their relationship. But since OP has refused to state why he won't live with them I presume she's not entirely innocent in this.

Overall you either have joint or separate finances. There's no room for middle ground. If you live together you split all costs. If you don't live together, do whatever works. Clearly though the OP in in some limbo and has been forever where the outgoings have been split by item than cost.

Ultimately this is on the OP. You need to create a stable environment for you and your child.

For clarity, I don't think the OP is unreasonable at all to expect her partner to help her out. But I don't believe this is the full story nor the point of this AIBU. If I am wrong, the I think the OP needs to talk to her DP in significant detail about why he feels it appropriate to essentially neglect his new family. Of course we could ask where dad is?

@justbeingadad I realise that others think differently but personally I find it immature and unattractive for a grown man to spend disproportionate amounts of time and money on gaming and apps.

But that's irrelevant to the OP. The problem is as you say, they need to clarify whether they are a partnership or not. Then OP needs to decide whether that's enough for her.

I hope she decides that it isn't enough and moves on.

I think you should dump him. He does not care about you or your child.

This isn't a great situation for you, OP. But, I think you are seeing that. There is often a huge discord between what a man says and what he does. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what he promises or says he'll do, if he doesn't actually follow through then it's all worthless. I think you've left yourself in a very vulnerable situation for a man who is coming across as quite selfish.

Op I would absolutely expect my partner to help out in times of need so you are not BU.
People grilling you on her are BU.

Out of interest did he buy anything for your sons birthday?

But since OP has refused to state why he won't live with them I presume she's not entirely innocent in this.

Why? Because I don't want to post outing details about my partner and his family on the internet?

Have you got any Nectar Points or Clubcard points you could use? Or a forgotten xmas gift card? A Boots card? I've used points from my Boots card and their special offers before, to get a cake slice and chocolate for a small picnic party. A homemade card from you would be special. Perhaps you could phone your birthday visitors and ask for a bottle of pop and some crisps. I am sure they would understand.

"In relation to my support network, they live over an hours drive away and work full time themselves, is that enough for you?"

An hour away is nothing.

But in the main, just dump him and move back. He's just not that into you.

Making a cake from scratch or from a mix is surely affordable, even on a budget, isn't it?

He’s not invested in your relationship and your child. I would move on

Where did I say he pays half my rent and childcare costs?

You didn't. Some people can't read properly.

He sounds about 12 op. No it's not your money, yes it's his. But it's crazy to think that someone who is supposed to be your partner can't be relied upon. He sounds selfish and immature. My dh isn't my sons dad but he would still be planning for his birthday and involved in the process - and yes before we were married.

@LiveInAHidingPlace 'over an hour' each way is a long way to drive to regularly provide a few hours after school care. You're being deliberately obtuse.

I agree, it's the fact that he has blown through his entire salary like a teenager when he seemingly has no significant expenses because he is living with his parents. If OP had asked him for help at the end of the month, when he was already paying rent and bills, then it would be fair enough if he had nothing left, but that's not what has happened. I think I'd be considering carefully whether this is the kind of man I'd like to spend my future with, OP.

Ok. So you're not married, he's not your son's father and you pay your phone bill to him as it's in his name. And your half of a credit card bill.

All sounds fair. So actually now I have seen more details why would he give you money?

It doesn't sound like he is your DP. I think cut your losses. It's not much of a relationship. Just keep paying your half of the credit card debt until finished and change contract?

Not what you want to hear but not sure why he needs to pay towards living costs when he doesn't live with you and has no commitment to you (marriage, kids etc)

If he wanted to help he would and can but doesn't so I would say you aren't really in a relationship any more...

You really do need to dump him. He’s not that into you and he doesn’t give a shit about your child. He promised to lend you money to give your ds a good birthday then spent it on frivolity. This isn’t marriage material. But you don’t seem to want to hear this. You are wasting good years on him.

'over an hour' each way is a long way to drive to regularly provide a few hours after school care

... but (and I've re-read OP's posts to check) she did have family members that were providing childcare. She's stuck because they now have other commitments, not because of the distance.

" 'over an hour' each way is a long way to drive to regularly provide a few hours after school care. You're being deliberately obtuse."

Am I indeed?

Perhaps it depends entirely on where you live, but where I live, an hour's drive to do basically anything is entirely normal so chill the fuck out with your accusations of being obtuse.

£60 on an app is disgraceful.

He has known your child (presumably for 3 years-ish and was living with him at one point) and can’t bothered to ensure his Stepchild has a £10 cake????

I know you don’t want to hear this but he is a piss poor partner who doesn’t prioritise you or your child (both should be deal breakers)

He is bringing sweet fuck all to the party (literally as well as metaphorically)
In your shoes I would honestly just Dump him.

You need to have a proper conversation about money because clearly you have very different expectations.

The ‘fingers crossed and I hope he does the right thing’ approach is a flawed financial planning strategy.

Live separate in order to claim UC at the full single parent rate
I think some people believe DWP was born yesterday - they do checks
Just claim CMS off him OP - but you wont as it doesnt fit in with your relationship

Oh I missed its not his child
Well then any money he pays you is classed as "unearned income" under Universal credit regulations if its to maintain you in any way - UC will deduct it £ for £ anyway