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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to leave my kids with their dad full time?

217 replies

finglestick · 10/09/2019 09:11

This is a long one so apologies in advance. I don’t want to drip feed and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, was with my ex for 12 years, lots of emotional and mental abuse. We have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 9. When I Finally left him he made my life hell. We divorced 4 years ago and he’s still able to mess with my head.

Despite him being a dick to me, he is a good dad to our boys and we’ve had a 50/50 access arrangement in place for 3 years now which works well for all of us.

I met my partner 4 years ago and things are mainly great. We’ve been really rocky of late but that’s down to me. We moved in May to a city 50 miles away from the boys dad, but he wasn’t happy and tried to get a court order preventing the move. I assured him that the access arrangements would remain the same and nothing would change for the boys. We had to have a court order put in place setting access arrangements in stone but that’s all that happened really. They wanted to stay in school in the old city so that’s where they go to school. I drive them there and back when it’s my time with them. It takes around an hour usually.

Things were working well until my eldest started high school. The traffic is so unpredictable and he has been late twice now which has been due to traffic I’ve never experienced before in certain spots.

My eldest has been crying saying this is always going to happen when he’s with me which has upset us all. He hates being late (as do I) and we always leave in plenty of time but it has just been things going wrong which I can’t predict.

I had a day of abuse from my ex yesterday as a few things went wrong (my eldest forgot his trainers for P.E. Despite telling me it was all sorted) my youngest forgot his coat and of course my eldest was late for school.

I’ve always had a nagging doubt about moving but went with it. The move happened incredibly quickly too which didn’t give me time to think about it. But I’m here now and I feel trapped. I’ve just finished uni but I can’t find a job as I need part time hours as I’m driving up and down the motorway so much and there isn’t anything with the flexibility I need.

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way. So AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?

OP posts:
Gonegirlw · 10/09/2019 09:13

Wow this would be a big decision

Lllot5 · 10/09/2019 09:13

Before I’d do that. I think about moving back there.

Gonegirlw · 10/09/2019 09:14

I don’t think there is an easy answer

OrchidInTheSun · 10/09/2019 09:14

Move back.

Gonegirlw · 10/09/2019 09:15

i think changing schools to somewhere ( even if it’s half way ) could work

Gonegirlw · 10/09/2019 09:15

It also depends on what’s going on in your relationship

BarrenFieldofFucks · 10/09/2019 09:15

Move?

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2019 09:15

Move them to a school in the city where you live

OrchidInTheSun · 10/09/2019 09:15

What you're suggesting is basically telling your children that your boyfriend is more important to you that they are.

I'm sure that isn't the case.

Damntheman · 10/09/2019 09:16

Adding my voice to the move back train. It was clearly a mistake. You haven't mentioned your current partner in all this. Whose idea/decision was it to move away, theirs or yours?

Whoops75 · 10/09/2019 09:16

Why did ye move?

Butchyrestingface · 10/09/2019 09:16

Could you not move back? Would it be easier to find a job with more hours if you were to move back and had more time due to not being required to drive your kids to school?

I know you said you said your ex lives 50 miles away, but how far is the school from where you live now?

SparklyMagpie · 10/09/2019 09:16

Oh goodness.

Why did you move if you wasn't really into the idea? ( just curious )

messolini9 · 10/09/2019 09:17

Hold on, do I have this right ... you have moved, with your boys, an hour away from your old home & their school?

And now, having moved in a hurry, & not being happy about it, rather than consider moving back closer to your previous home, you are prepared to give your children up to your abousive ex?

GiveMeHope103 · 10/09/2019 09:17

But what did you think would happen moving 50 miles away? Didnt it occur to you the travel time and that the boys might actually want to stay where they are settled and near their dad?
I wouldn't let them go stay permanently as that will be another thing you are changing for them. You should move back instead.

Banangana · 10/09/2019 09:17

Surely moving back and getting a job in the area where their schools are and continuing to see them 50% of the time is the obvious answer....

Dandelion1993 · 10/09/2019 09:18

You moved 50 miles but still kept the old schools? That was never going to work forever.

I think you need to reassess the school situation. If he stays there you need to move back and if not, then a school closer to you would be better.

It must be exhausting keeping up 50:50 with that mileage gap.

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/09/2019 09:18

Move back. No way would I become a part time parent If I could help it.

AnneWeber · 10/09/2019 09:18

When would you have them? I'd be worried about them suffering the mental abuse you mention.

DoctorAllcome · 10/09/2019 09:19

No, you would not be unreasonable. In fact, I think it shows you are putting your boys welfare first. It makes perfect sense that they would be happier back in their home town, with their friends and familiar places. You say their dad is good to them, and they are old enough to tell you if that changes and I am sure you’d take them back if they wanted. I know many single dads whose kids live with them and not the mother. It’s not as stigmatized as it once was. People are more open minded about these things instead assuming that being with the mother is always best for the kids..when it isn’t always.
This would give you a chance to get your life & career back on track.

fluffygal · 10/09/2019 09:19

Move back. I can't imagine that the kids were prioritised when you decided to move so far away in the first place, this would always end up being an issue as the kids got older. They will want to spend more time out with friends etc.

I would love to move from where I am to somewhere more rural, however I stay for my kids- they can all walk to their schools, to their friends and to town. Can you look at moving back?

messolini9 · 10/09/2019 09:20

ABUSIVE not abousive.

Why did you move?
Was it at your boyfriend's behest?
How does he react to your stress & unhappiness about the move?

Is your boyfriend making it all about him, & hang the consequences for the boys & you?
What on earth would make you even contemplate giving your children up, & living 50 miles from them?

gamerchick · 10/09/2019 09:20

Move back. Later on in life your kids will say you abandoned them for another man. You made a mistake, your relationship is t good anyway so just move back to their area and start again.

Banangana · 10/09/2019 09:20

Move them to a school in the city where you live

Why should the ex have to drive for an hour to school when he has them because the OP has chosen to move with a boyfriend?

whiskybysidedoor · 10/09/2019 09:21

I think the important question is why did you move?

Otherwise you need to put your children first and either move back (going to school 50 miles away is daft) or change their school.

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