Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to leave my kids with their dad full time?

217 replies

finglestick · 10/09/2019 09:11

This is a long one so apologies in advance. I don’t want to drip feed and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, was with my ex for 12 years, lots of emotional and mental abuse. We have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 9. When I Finally left him he made my life hell. We divorced 4 years ago and he’s still able to mess with my head.

Despite him being a dick to me, he is a good dad to our boys and we’ve had a 50/50 access arrangement in place for 3 years now which works well for all of us.

I met my partner 4 years ago and things are mainly great. We’ve been really rocky of late but that’s down to me. We moved in May to a city 50 miles away from the boys dad, but he wasn’t happy and tried to get a court order preventing the move. I assured him that the access arrangements would remain the same and nothing would change for the boys. We had to have a court order put in place setting access arrangements in stone but that’s all that happened really. They wanted to stay in school in the old city so that’s where they go to school. I drive them there and back when it’s my time with them. It takes around an hour usually.

Things were working well until my eldest started high school. The traffic is so unpredictable and he has been late twice now which has been due to traffic I’ve never experienced before in certain spots.

My eldest has been crying saying this is always going to happen when he’s with me which has upset us all. He hates being late (as do I) and we always leave in plenty of time but it has just been things going wrong which I can’t predict.

I had a day of abuse from my ex yesterday as a few things went wrong (my eldest forgot his trainers for P.E. Despite telling me it was all sorted) my youngest forgot his coat and of course my eldest was late for school.

I’ve always had a nagging doubt about moving but went with it. The move happened incredibly quickly too which didn’t give me time to think about it. But I’m here now and I feel trapped. I’ve just finished uni but I can’t find a job as I need part time hours as I’m driving up and down the motorway so much and there isn’t anything with the flexibility I need.

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way. So AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?

OP posts:
VeThings · 10/09/2019 10:31

To the PP saying back off from OP.

I understand she is in a shit situation. I have similar with my ex. But no matter how much he gets to me, he is the DC dad and I put them first. Sending them to live with their (preciously abusive) dad cannot be in their best interests. He’ll twist it that mum doesn’t want them - is that what OP wants for her DC to believe? And no matter how much she reassures them, of course they will believe it - their mum has moved 50 miles away to be with her boyfriend and his two DC.

It doesn’t matter that they agreed to the move - we as adults have the responsibility of doing what’s best for them, not what they say they would like. They don’t know the reality of a 50mile commute.

inboxmayhem · 10/09/2019 10:32

I can't understand how anyone can give up their kids for the sake of their boyfriend

Catsandchardonnay · 10/09/2019 10:32

Why are you putting your new boyfriend before your sons’ happiness? They should be the most important thing to you.

Move back.

sailingclosetothewind · 10/09/2019 10:32

Things must be very bad for you to be considering this course op. I hope you are okay.

We may all sound alarmed and worried, it is such a big decision with such far reaching consequences, it would be wrong for the posters on here to say anything else. You may lose your children altogether.

Your relationship is rocky, take some time out to see where things are going wrong and take some responsibility. I don't doubt it has been awful for you with your ex, but don't leave your boys indefinitely with someone that has a history like this. They may never forgive you, and blame you for leaving them further down the line. They love and need their mother, try and make it work op by moving closer or moving schools.

MouseInATelescope · 10/09/2019 10:34

Apologies OP for some reason me (and others) skipped over the mental & emotional abuse bit. That's EXACTLY what my ex was like before I moved me and the kids away from him and changed their school.

IMO I'd change their school, move all of you completely away from that life, that placel. I'd just do it. You'll feel guilt, and they'll hate you for a bit but they will adjust. They'll make new friends, they'll have a good life if you provide them with one. This arrangement isn't working and you need to stay away from that man. I know exactly what it's like.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/09/2019 10:35

Hi OP

Have the police ever been involved? If not could you speak to them or a solicitor (sorry not sure how it works) about a restraining order against their dad? As it is awful him moving to the same street to follow you around and he shouldn't be able to do this. If you know he could be stopped then it might make the decision easier.

What do your kids want to do here? Have you spoken to them and asked what their preferences are since this isn't working?

I guess the optiona are

Move back and somehow stop contact with your ex and stop him moving near you (easier said than done I know)

Carry on as you are (doesnt sound like it's working)

Live with ex in the week and you at weekends (would ex let them come to yours every weekend?) This will get more problematic as they get older as all their friends who they will want to spend time with in the weekend will be at your old town though

Come and live with you full time and change schools and see your ex every other weekend.

It sounds like they are old enough to have done input so I'd at least speak to them about the pros and cons of each option and see what they think before taking any action

Catsandchardonnay · 10/09/2019 10:37

I’ve just been thinking about this more and I’m truly shocked. How would your kids feel if you gave them up so you could have an easier life with your new boyfriend? FFS. How could you even consider it? You chose to bring them into the world, it’s your responsibility to give them the happiest start to life that you can.

Move back.

snowbear66 · 10/09/2019 10:37

Could your eldest commute on his own?
My 11 yr old used to get a train to school, and in a few years, your boys can commute together. It was a bit expensive, but lots of children around here travel a long way, going to grammar schools at age 11.
If it's 50/50 your ex can take more of the school days?
I would be hesitant to give up legal control to my 50/50 access to the children if your ex is abusive as he might stop you from seeing them or limit access to them.

Sleepymum45 · 10/09/2019 10:39

Just a thought OP...
Have you mentioned to your DC about moving to you full time ? Perhaps they are too scared to say it, but are waiting for you to bring it up ?

I understand you would be concerned about your ex...your children's wants,needs and wishes would have to be taken into account by any family court. (my ex used to try persuade my 2 DSs to live with him)
Could you maybe get a family member to drop it into conversation, then at least you can get legal advice, at the same time can you get an restraining order on your ex ?
I know everyone is saying "move back" but you need your children's in put before any decision is made.

I had DS taken by ExH 10 months he stayed in another town wouldn't come near me. Had had his head well and truly screwed. He finally came for a visit, by the end of the weekend. I found out how unhappy he was. I made the choice to bring him home. Now ExH wont speak to either DS . 17 months now. We are such a happy family now.

Maybe just a thought for you Flowers

InterestingView · 10/09/2019 10:42

OP I think you're taking a bit of a hammering here

I think you should ask for this to be moved out of AIBU

I think you need to sit down as a family with your new partner and talk to the kids - what would they want? Talk to everyone. Perhaps your new partner will say actually maybe we should move back - perhaps the kids would be prepared to move schools? Who knows. Talk.

FourFlapjacksPlease · 10/09/2019 10:42

I also agree that you should move back. You have a rocky relationship and no job in your current town. You need to prioritise the wellbeing of your children. This is a very short time in their lives and you have a lifetime of being able to live where you like and focus on your relationship when they are older..

These are decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives. Make sure they know they are your number 1 priority.

PookieDo · 10/09/2019 10:43

not diminishing what has happened to OP, from the ex perspective he may well feel he has been following his DC around (not necessarily his ex) and is trying to do what is best for them but crossing the boundaries of what is normal ie if you have 50/50 care you do not need to live at the end of the same street.

Mixed with abuse and disrespect I can see why you do not want to be around him even when he is trying to be a good father, and now he is shouting at you for the disorganisation and making you feel more stressed. This is why you shouldn’t make a rash decision, he knows he can wind you up and get his own way if he makes enough noise and make you feel bad

I don’t believe it would be fair to move the DC schools if this would cause them problems - dC1 may well be in his final year of school and this would be very disruptive

Just take a moment to think about what you want. Do you need to live in this town? Is living with your partner working? Could you compromise and move closer? Where would you be able to find a job?

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 10/09/2019 10:44

What?! You’d rather have your children live with your ex full time rather than 1) sort out the organization which I causing the problem or 2) move back to your old area? As a parent I find that really shocking - I couldn’t imagine putting myself first like that. I don’t mean to be judgey and normally I’m really open minded but this has really thrown me. I’d move back in a heartbeat before I sent my children to live full time with their dad. Honestly like a PP said, your kids will think you abandoned them for your new boyfriend and if I’m perfectly honest, it sounds like that’s what you want to do. Please think about what’s actually best for your children and not what is easiest for you.

PookieDo · 10/09/2019 10:44

OP has a court order for 50/50. She can’t just simply ask the DC to live with her full time

Brainfogmcfogface · 10/09/2019 10:44

I’m really sorry op I completely understand your predicament but if I were in your situation I’d speak to my kids about moving schools, and if they’re really against the idea and would rather live with their dad then move schools l I’d move back to be with them. For me nothing on this earth would be worth not seeing my children, and if it meant the new relationship would have to end, so be it. I’d be miserable without them and as others have said they’d think I’d chosen someone else over them, I couldn’t do that to them.

TheTrollFairy · 10/09/2019 10:47

How did you think moving 50 miles a away would work?
You don’t just give kids up because they become inconvenient. You are considering handing your boys over full time to your abusive ex...... right

Whattodowith · 10/09/2019 10:55

Madness to drive your DC an hour every day to school. Move back, you’re not trapped where you are now at all. If they were in a new school you’d have a point but they’re still in a school in the old city.

VenusClapTrap · 10/09/2019 10:56

I think you need to sit down as a family with your new partner and talk to the kids - what would they want? Talk to everyone. Perhaps your new partner will say actually maybe we should move back - perhaps the kids would be prepared to move schools? Who knows. Talk.

I completely agree with this. You’re in a very difficult position, and I feel for you. The children are not toddlers and will deal with things a lot better if you try to come up with a solution all together. It’s a good life lesson to learn about weighing up pros and cons, and compromising.

Also, the school year has only just begun; it may be that by half term you’ve got a better routine going, as a pp suggested with the car packed the night before and a realistic journey time worked out. Things may get better. Or not. But I think you need to keep talking about it, let the children know that you are listening to them, and you’ll come up with a solution together. Without rushing things.

2boysDad · 10/09/2019 10:58

Going against the grain here but bearing in mind that the OP states

"he is a good dad to our boys"

Then I don't see the problem with the kids staying their dad through the week. But with one HUGE caveat...

"What do the kids want?"

They need to be asked. It's their lives.

Aprillygirl · 10/09/2019 10:59

OP I think people are giving you a really rough ride on here. If you were a man no-one would blink an eye, but as a woman people are seeing it as you abandoning your kids, when in fact it's clear to me that you are doing your very best by them, while trying to save your sanity by getting away from your abusive ex.
You say you have moved back to your hometown. Do you have family still there? Just wondering if that's another reason you would prefer to stay put.
If I were you I'd involve my boys in any decision I made. Let them have a say so that if you do decide to give full custody to their dad they won't feel abandoned. They may be happier for you to stay put so that they get to spend their weekends in a different town or they may be devastated at the thought and be willing to change schools (if ex allows) rather than that. They may be torn or one child may prefer one solution and one the other, in which case you should move back in my opinion. Good luck to you with whatever you decide to do Flowers

saffy1234 · 10/09/2019 10:59

No.In short.

saffy1234 · 10/09/2019 11:00

I meant yes you BU and no don't do that.

GreatBigNoise · 10/09/2019 11:02

Sounds like a crazy situation. You need to move back.

BTW. Do you sure your ex moving to the end of the road, twice, was because of trying to control you? Isn’t it more likely that he wanted to move close to his kids?

RedskyLastNight · 10/09/2019 11:05

If you were a man no-one would blink an eye,

If it was a man posting that he'd moved away to be with a new partner and was now considering leaving his DC with his ex all the time, they would be getting responses much harsher than the ones that OP has received.

MildThing · 10/09/2019 11:07

OP: I understand that your consideration is in the context of your ex being abusive.

Before you give up the kids, do the Freedom Programme and talk to a family lawyer.