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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to leave my kids with their dad full time?

217 replies

finglestick · 10/09/2019 09:11

This is a long one so apologies in advance. I don’t want to drip feed and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, was with my ex for 12 years, lots of emotional and mental abuse. We have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 9. When I Finally left him he made my life hell. We divorced 4 years ago and he’s still able to mess with my head.

Despite him being a dick to me, he is a good dad to our boys and we’ve had a 50/50 access arrangement in place for 3 years now which works well for all of us.

I met my partner 4 years ago and things are mainly great. We’ve been really rocky of late but that’s down to me. We moved in May to a city 50 miles away from the boys dad, but he wasn’t happy and tried to get a court order preventing the move. I assured him that the access arrangements would remain the same and nothing would change for the boys. We had to have a court order put in place setting access arrangements in stone but that’s all that happened really. They wanted to stay in school in the old city so that’s where they go to school. I drive them there and back when it’s my time with them. It takes around an hour usually.

Things were working well until my eldest started high school. The traffic is so unpredictable and he has been late twice now which has been due to traffic I’ve never experienced before in certain spots.

My eldest has been crying saying this is always going to happen when he’s with me which has upset us all. He hates being late (as do I) and we always leave in plenty of time but it has just been things going wrong which I can’t predict.

I had a day of abuse from my ex yesterday as a few things went wrong (my eldest forgot his trainers for P.E. Despite telling me it was all sorted) my youngest forgot his coat and of course my eldest was late for school.

I’ve always had a nagging doubt about moving but went with it. The move happened incredibly quickly too which didn’t give me time to think about it. But I’m here now and I feel trapped. I’ve just finished uni but I can’t find a job as I need part time hours as I’m driving up and down the motorway so much and there isn’t anything with the flexibility I need.

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way. So AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?

OP posts:
stucknoue · 10/09/2019 09:32

I think you need to put yourself first, what do you want? Are you sure your partner isn't manipulating you?

Move back closer is the obvious solution, the kids deserve 2 parents

formerbabe · 10/09/2019 09:34

This is an appalling situation. What were you thinking? Sorry if that sounds harsh but honestly, you're effectively thinking of giving up your DC because it's a lot of driving...

DowntonCrabby · 10/09/2019 09:35

Definitely move back, you’ve said you feel trapped, you’re in an unstable relationship, the DC would rather be based back in original city and your job prospects would be better as you could work FT.

It’s really a no brainer.

PookieDo · 10/09/2019 09:36

I don’t want to pile in on you but if you moved only for your partner I think you should really do what’s right for your DC. If you aren’t willing to move back then yes you should let them live with their father, but the ideal solution is to move back yourself

Excited101 · 10/09/2019 09:36

So of course you move back! How ridiculous! You’ve been selfish, in all ways- put your children first!

Original poster
finglestick · 10/09/2019 09:38

I moved back to my home area. I always planned to when the kids were older anyway. We spent a lot of time in my old town from when the boys were born so they know it really well.

My ex has moved to the end of my road the last two times I have moved and the control never ends. I thought moving would put an end to the control but it hasn’t.

I didn’t move just because of my partner. I sat with my kids and asked what they thought and we discussed it fully. Their response in fact was ‘we were hoping you’d say that’ as in we’d be moving to my home city.

My partner has 2 kids who live in this city and he has made the commute for 3 years. It was a joint decision to move and I thought things would be better for me and my boys too. I guess I was secretly hoping they’d decide to move with me full time. The house sale and new house buying went through very quickly, much quicker than anyone expected.

I’m not putting some man over my kids. I’m just genuinely at a crossroads and I’m scared.

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 10/09/2019 09:40

Definitely move back.
If you become a “weekends only” parent you will miss so much. Also as the kids get older they’ll want to spent weekend time with their local friends, not come to your house 50 miles away where they know no one.
By moving away and reducing you’re time with the kids you are making a clear statement to them that your boyfriend is more important than they are.

Branleuse · 10/09/2019 09:40

wtf? You havent even got a job in your new town. Youve just moved to be with a bloke. Move back to your kids home town and be a parent and give them some stability.

Mintychoc1 · 10/09/2019 09:42

Crossed post.
Ok I’d move part way between , so you and your boyfriend have equal commuting time to see your respective kids.

Bowerbird5 · 10/09/2019 09:45

Don't do this to you kids.

What message do you think that will give them. If you haven't got a job why not move closer to them. Having to endure a 50 mile trip before and after school can't be fun for them either. Couldn't you compromise and move 25 miles away?
I would never put a man before my kids.

Span1elsRock · 10/09/2019 09:46

Have you had any official involvement ie Police or Solicitor etc regarding the control issues?

It sounds like your ex is still calling a lot of the shots here.................

I can understand why you've wanted to move away but it sounds like your kids are suffering as a result sadly. I'd probably suggest seeing a Solicitor to find out your legal position if you insist on the kids going to school nearer?

EggysMom · 10/09/2019 09:47

Sit down with your kids, and ask what they want. Do they want to stay with you, in this city (your "home town" that they know so well)? If so, would they consider changing schools?

Or do they want to move in with their father, so that they are near friends and school?

Or are they happy with the status quo, and these are just minor grumbles?

Gillian1980 · 10/09/2019 09:50

I’d not do this, sorry I think yabu.

Move back.

BrightonRox · 10/09/2019 09:50

It really is a no brainer, you move back. This situation is clearly not sustainable for your kids. It should be them first all the way, not your boyfriend who you moved away to be with - why on earth did you do that if you think it was all done in a rush? You mention your current relationship is rocky because of you..are you sure about that? What does your DP think of the whole situation?

Please be careful about how you proceed now with your kids. If the eldest is in high school, he will need even more stability. Yes, his dad might be great, but you are his mum and going part-time mum won't help. It will create an emotional distance on top of the geographical distance, believe me. As a mum myself, I'd rather walk over hot coals than give my children up to my ex full-time, even if he is a great dad.

Honestly, OP...don't do it. You may think your motive is for the good of the kids, but it isn't, sorry.

Purplejay · 10/09/2019 09:51

Well although the kids thought the move was a good idea they perhaps weren’t old enough to understand the practicalities of the commute. That was down to you. It is a big deal to move schools at secondary school age. I wouldn’t move DS (12) now unless I have no option.

Who owns your new house OP? Given you don’t have a job, I presume you aren’t on the mortgage? Please tell me you haven’t put a lump sum in and then put it all in your boyfriends name?!

ColaFreezePop · 10/09/2019 09:51

Move back

Your kids need both you and their father.

If you let them live with your ex, their father, full-time or stop them seeing their father they won't forgive you either way.

Why have you moved just for a partner? What people do you have around you if it went wrong?

Witchinaditch · 10/09/2019 09:52

Don’t give up your kids to someone who mentally abused you!!! Move back.

AllTheFours44 · 10/09/2019 09:53

You have 2 options. You move back as has been said numerous times, or the boys move schools.

BowiesJumper · 10/09/2019 09:53

Move back - if you don't have a job where you are now anyway, what else is stopping you? Put your kids first.

dottiedodah · 10/09/2019 09:54

I think you are in a very difficult position here TBH. Have you involved the police at all?.Surely they could issue a restraining order.You are between a rock and a hard place really .Are there no nearer Schools for the boys ?.They will be making new friends at Senior School anyway ,so the issue of seeing old chums could be resolved by maybe seeing them in the holidays .

AnneWeber · 10/09/2019 09:55

Even if you say he is nice to the kids. He's setting them a terrible example if he mentally abuses you

Drum2018 · 10/09/2019 09:55

Well it's ridiculous having them in a school an hour away. The day is long enough for them without a 2 hours round commute. You need to reassess this and look into schools nearer your new home. Otherwise you just have to be well organised and leave a half hour before you usually need to, in case of delays. I'd be moving schools. However that will impact their week with your ex. Bit of a mess but there's no way in hell I'd be handing them over to an abusive ex for a minute longer than I had to.

BrightonRox · 10/09/2019 09:55

Ok, OP saw your post above (cross posted). I understand you talked it through etc, and there are issues with your ex being controlling which gives it another slant. I still wouldn't let your kids move back full time with him.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/09/2019 09:56

The situation is not sustainable. It will only get worse. Unless you can change access arrangements and schools then you either have to move back or let your ex have the children. You will find it very difficult to get a job that allows you time to be driving up and down the motorway for the school run. As they get older they want to spend more time with their friends. What will you do then.

Branleuse · 10/09/2019 09:56

your ex abused you, so give the kids to him?
Your current relationship is rocky, so what on earth makes you think this is worth giving up your kids for?

I predict if you do this, you will really regret it and your children would struggle with abandonment

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