AIBU to want to leave my kids with their dad full time?

[finglestick]

This is a long one so apologies in advance. I don’t want to drip feed and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, was with my ex for 12 years, lots of emotional and mental abuse. We have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 9. When I Finally left him he made my life hell. We divorced 4 years ago and he’s still able to mess with my head.

Despite him being a dick to me, he is a good dad to our boys and we’ve had a 50/50 access arrangement in place for 3 years now which works well for all of us.

I met my partner 4 years ago and things are mainly great. We’ve been really rocky of late but that’s down to me. We moved in May to a city 50 miles away from the boys dad, but he wasn’t happy and tried to get a court order preventing the move. I assured him that the access arrangements would remain the same and nothing would change for the boys. We had to have a court order put in place setting access arrangements in stone but that’s all that happened really. They wanted to stay in school in the old city so that’s where they go to school. I drive them there and back when it’s my time with them. It takes around an hour usually.

Things were working well until my eldest started high school. The traffic is so unpredictable and he has been late twice now which has been due to traffic I’ve never experienced before in certain spots.

My eldest has been crying saying this is always going to happen when he’s with me which has upset us all. He hates being late (as do I) and we always leave in plenty of time but it has just been things going wrong which I can’t predict.

I had a day of abuse from my ex yesterday as a few things went wrong (my eldest forgot his trainers for P.E. Despite telling me it was all sorted) my youngest forgot his coat and of course my eldest was late for school.

I’ve always had a nagging doubt about moving but went with it. The move happened incredibly quickly too which didn’t give me time to think about it. But I’m here now and I feel trapped. I’ve just finished uni but I can’t find a job as I need part time hours as I’m driving up and down the motorway so much and there isn’t anything with the flexibility I need.

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way. So AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?

It's not that posters are ignoring the controlling, it's that once you have DCs together and court-ordered contact then there will always be opportunities for your ex to try to annoy and control you. As you've found, moving doesn't stop it. It was naive to think it would.
You can try to limit it by having someone else do handovers; keeping a diary of abusive/controlling behaviour and reporting as soon as it escalates, etc.
We're not 'beating' you. I think most posters are trying to help. We don't want you to exacerbate the mistake you've already made. My SIL did what you're considering. She left her DCs with their dad full-time whilst she built a new life with her new DP and DCs. Now, her DCs are adults and only one of her three DCs talk to her. The others feel she abandoned them to an abusive man she couldn't live with.

You need to view the abuse from your ex as a different issue. That needs to be addressed separately through the police/courts. I’d have no contact with the ex at all and all pick ups/drop off should be done through a 3rd party. A few people have suggested moving the kids to a different school. But they’ve already lost their home, moved away from their dad/friends/entire lives to be with your partner. Pulling them out of their school aswell is just too much imo. I think moving back is the best option for the children

Can you not at least look for a job in your old town, where the children are at school? At least like that you would all drive there in the morning, they go to school and you go to work and then you travel back together in the evening. That way you aren't having to limit work to the current available time between your school runs.

I think DecomposingComposers idea is excellent. Your oldest is at the age that you can drop him off early and he can chat with friends, sit in a cafe, etc, before school. That way you can take your youngest to school. Maybe if you leave early enough you could have breakfast somewhere local to the school or even take a packed ‘breakfast’ and drinks and you and the children could have breakfast in the car. Just do it somewhere discreet, so the kids aren’t teased. There are ways you can make this work, OP.

What do your boys WANT? Do they think it be more feasible if during the school term they live at their dad house?

There is a lot of mummy guilt here. If you were a man, this would not be a issue. Please try to remember that.

If he is a good dad to the boys then living with the father during term time may be the answer.

OP ask for this to be moved to relationships
You will get some proper advice where where people read the OP!

I have now read the thread and feel very bad for the OP
She isn’t dumping her kids
For a man . But she is still
Being abused by her Ex which is driving her to desperate measures and poor decision making
I like the idea
Of a job in your nearest town OP as a starter for ten

Also think about ways to reduce his bullying impact . I met another woman also bullied by an ex and she did Freedom programme

Onwards it’s a lot
To contend with

Rather than thinking or taking this drastic action OP, could you and your family move closer to the children’s school?

This would cut travel time, and also give you the space you need from your ExH

So rather than a hours journey move to a distance of 30 mins?

Your kids would grow up full of resentment towards you. You've made some bad choices but as it stands, you can pull things back, and make it right. If you down this route then it will be too late for that.

OP this seems to me to be more that you’re understandably tired of your ex’s controlling ways. The easiest/only option in your head is to let him have custody and feel as if he has “won”. Believe me, the controlling still wouldn’t stop and I suspect you’d regret letting him have full custody as it won’t have the desired outcome so to speak.

Please keep going, don’t give up now - find an alternative solution.

id chop off my arm before i became a part time parent -

move back!!

if you give up your kids your saying your boyfriend ismore important

kids come first.

Hi OP, I am in a situation spookily similar to this with a few key differences, I didn't move for a boyfriend and my ex wasn't abusive (he did cheat though and now lives with the OW).

I was living in town A but hated it, it's a depressing shit hole and although I am from there I have no family and very few friends there now, so when exh and I split I decided to move to city B, 35 miles away. I was originally planning for the kids to move schools and me to move jobs there, but like yours they didn't want to change schools so I stayed in my old job in town A (which is luckily a great job that I love so no hardship).

Exh and I have 50/50 residency and do a week on/week off. In the first couple of months we were late for school a couple of times and my oldest son got angsty about it, (my youngest daughter isn't bothered) so he decided he would stay at his dads in town A in the week in term times and be with me every other weekend and school holidays, as well as extra nights here and there.

I can't say this didn't upset me a bit but I respect his decision and have always supported whatever he wanted to do. Exh is a good dad and there's no reason he shouldn't do more of the parental heavy lifting for a while, I did practically everything alone the first 10 years!

My daughter is still doing week on/week off and is fine with our commute (45-50 mins on the motorway). She really prefers city B to town A but it makes sense to have our school and work in town A for the next few years.

Now I have been in city B for 4 years and honestly I love it here and have made my peace with seeing less of one of my kids. He knows my house is also his home and he is welcome here always but if town A is where he feels he needs to be more right now then that's ok we're still very close and chat most days on WhatsApp too.

I really feel if I'd have stayed in town A with no-one but my kids and exh/ow I would have become miserable and I wasn't ready at 35 to give up on my dream of moving to a bigger, brighter place with more to offer.

There were times when I considered posting on here but was sure I would be strung from the nearest lamppost for being a selfish witch who didn't deserve to have kids, so I was too chicken 🙈 now though I couldn't really give a fuck, I'm happy and my kids are happy so who cares if we're a bit unconventional, parenting isn't just for mums and my happiness was important too so je ne regrette rien

So my main advice to you would be - get a job where your kids go to school, it's so much easier to all be in one place during the day!

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way.

You sound like you're having a breakdown. You haven't mentioned the BF which speaks volumes. Your boys will never forgive you if you abandon them which will compromise them permanently btw.

Do this thing and you'll regret it forever. Go get some good therapy fast to find yourself and figure out your priorities before you hurt your boys and you..

Never put a man ahead of your kids. You’re now 50 miles away, in a rocky relationship, with no job. I don’t see how 50 miles can take an hour either. It must be an hour and a half trip - so a three hour round trip for the boys and a 6 hour round trip for you. Do not dump your kids. Not ever.

Move back ASAP and get a job there!

I can’t believe that in a difficult situation, your first thought is to give up your kids.

Don't forget that your exh could claim child support from you if he has the kids more nights than you.

You say you really thought this through and discussed it with your children...So how on earth did you think a 50 mile commute in the morning in the rush hour traffic was going to work?? Clearly you did not think it through properly.
I feel for you, but perhaps being prepared to allow your children to live full time with their dad is the easy option for you?
Basically and you already know this, it is not working. You need to prioritise your children and move back.

Please don't beat yourself up. There is no need. Every problem has a solution. Quietly think about where YOU and your boys need to be, how you can achieve it, and address any issues before going ahead with your plan.

None of us know your back story op, and it sounds like you have had a rough time, but you can move forward with informed decision making, good judgement, and take your time going forward when making lasting decisions.

You wouldn’t be a part time parent just because the days your children are at your house have changed.

As you have just moved I assume you have to stay at least six months if it is a rental property? So could the boys stay with their Dad through the week and come to you Friday after school?

Work wise, would it be possible if the boys stay with you in the week to work in the town where their school is? You could then take advantage of after school clubs etc so you can work until 4:30.

I’m sorry some people on here have accused you of abandoning their children, you haven’t at all, don’t let strangers awful comments hurt you. You’re doing a great job.

Basically, your ‘partner’ is more important than your children - you moved for him - and now they’re inconvenient, you want to offload them onto their dad? If you think I’m being harsh, imagine how it will sound to your children’s therapists in years to come.

They’re still children. They need you. They need you to love them more than anything. If you do change the arrangements, make sure they still know that you do it from love.

I can't ever imagine moving for the sake of a relationship at the expense of DC, if you really want to put them first then move back

People still bashing the OP and accusing her of putting a man before her kids when, as far as I can see, there is no evidence to suggest it was her partner (of 4 years) who wanted to move away and her meekly following. She wanted to get away from her controlling ex so moved to her hometown, she thought she could manage the commute to school but in practice is finding it harder than she thought it would be. She is considering having her boys live full time with their father to make it easier for them as well as for her. I presume she will have her boys at the weekend, she is not dumping them, she is trying to fathom out what to do next in the best interest of everyone. She admits moving away probably wasn't the best thing in hindsight, she made a mistake, she doesn't need you lot making her feel worse than she already does. The "Oh I would never leave my kids in a million years" brigade need to fuck off and go tell someone who cares to listen to your boasting about what a perfect devoted parent you are, because OP does not need to hear it!

, OP. I'm sorry you've been getting a tough time on this thread. MN can be very puritanical about women with kids having relationships - everything gets viewed through the prism of "indifferent mother spreading her legs for random men and putting them before her kids", with little regard for what the OP's posts actually say.

In your case, I completely understand why you wanted to put some distance between yourself and your abusive and frankly stalkerish ex, and also why you wanted to move somewhere familiar where you feel safe. I can also understand why you're so tired that you feel like giving up, although obviously you need to hang in there and find a solution. Just don't beat yourself up - everyone makes decisions that don't work out. There are very few things in life that aren't fixable.

I'd have a good talk to your boys about this. If they are happy to go to their Dad's full time, there is your answer. My son and his partner had a very similar situation 4 years ago when the children were 6 and 10. They wanted to be with Dad , and so it happened. He has had them full time for 4 years and they see their Mum every second weekend. They have a good relationship with her, and both parents get along pretty well ( by text message only).

The only two people who matter in this story , is your two boys. Talk to them and find out what they want.