AIBU to want to leave my kids with their dad full time?

[finglestick]

This is a long one so apologies in advance. I don’t want to drip feed and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, was with my ex for 12 years, lots of emotional and mental abuse. We have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 9. When I Finally left him he made my life hell. We divorced 4 years ago and he’s still able to mess with my head.

Despite him being a dick to me, he is a good dad to our boys and we’ve had a 50/50 access arrangement in place for 3 years now which works well for all of us.

I met my partner 4 years ago and things are mainly great. We’ve been really rocky of late but that’s down to me. We moved in May to a city 50 miles away from the boys dad, but he wasn’t happy and tried to get a court order preventing the move. I assured him that the access arrangements would remain the same and nothing would change for the boys. We had to have a court order put in place setting access arrangements in stone but that’s all that happened really. They wanted to stay in school in the old city so that’s where they go to school. I drive them there and back when it’s my time with them. It takes around an hour usually.

Things were working well until my eldest started high school. The traffic is so unpredictable and he has been late twice now which has been due to traffic I’ve never experienced before in certain spots.

My eldest has been crying saying this is always going to happen when he’s with me which has upset us all. He hates being late (as do I) and we always leave in plenty of time but it has just been things going wrong which I can’t predict.

I had a day of abuse from my ex yesterday as a few things went wrong (my eldest forgot his trainers for P.E. Despite telling me it was all sorted) my youngest forgot his coat and of course my eldest was late for school.

I’ve always had a nagging doubt about moving but went with it. The move happened incredibly quickly too which didn’t give me time to think about it. But I’m here now and I feel trapped. I’ve just finished uni but I can’t find a job as I need part time hours as I’m driving up and down the motorway so much and there isn’t anything with the flexibility I need.

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way. So AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?

With all due respect to anyone saying I’m dumping my kids for a man, fuck off!! Read the post and you will see exactly what has happened. If you don’t read the post, just don’t comment!!!!

I’m not having a breakdown I’m having a tough time as I have had 18 years of bullying, harassment and abuse from a man. I divorced him, it didn’t stop. I moved. He followed me. I’ve moved away and it’s not worked out the way I hoped it would.

I wanted some advice and perspective from other women who may be in a similar position. I have had some amazing advice and perspectives here so thank you to you if you’ve not just hit me with a stick!

I’m not going to read anymore posts as they are all really very upsetting and kicking me when I’m already down. But thank you - some of you have really helped x

Ignore the arseholes op but I do think leaving your boys with your abusive ex isn't the answer

What about moving half way to make the travel easier?

It sounds like a difficult situation but I think you either need to move back or move halfway between the places. Letting your ex have custody doesn't sound like a good idea.

I know you're not reading anymore but good luck with whatever you decide to do

I think you need to move back or at least a lot closer. If you ask for your dc to stay with their dad full time they will look at it as you abandoning them and choosing your boyfriend and his kids over them. Like wise they’ve had enough upheaval without you moving schools as well. You are right you have been very unwise about your decisions, and have not thought them through. I can imagine how wound up your dc felt about being late for school, walking into lesson late, and being told off when it wasn’t his fault. I can imagine he doesnt want to repeatbit again- leave an extra 40 minutes for the school run. My 11 minute journey during the school run becomes 45 minutes.

OP, I think you've had a hard time on this thread, possibly because people have only read your first post

You haven't said what the children want to do. I think that's critical. Have you asked them?

Sorry you've had such a kicking, OP. It sounds like a really difficult situation.

I'm clearly in the minority, but I think everyone is moving way too fast here. Your eldest has been at this school how long? A week? Three days? It is way too early to decide either to move house (a HUGE upheaval) OR change custody arrangements.

For now, decide you're going to leave ten minutes earlier as a matter of course. Set your alarm clocks ten minutes early and be ruthless about getting everyone out of the house. Make packed breakfasts the night before that the kids can eat in the car. Bring some water and toothbrushes and a toothmug. The worst that will happen is that you and the kids get a nice ten minutes chatting in the car when the traffic is good, and your eldest won't be worried about being late any more.

When you're all a bit more used to how the commute works, you can reassess, but for now your eldest's anxiety about being late comes first.

I agree with the PP who said getting a job in the city where your kids go to school sounds like a good idea. Or something you can do in a library somewhere like copy editing or proofreading, at least as a stop-gap. That way you'll save an hour's commuting each day.

Also, well done for trying to break free of your ex's controlling behaviour. A partner who moves to the end of your road every time you move sounds like an absolute nightmare, and I wouldn't want to move back to that any more than you do.

I do agree with PP not to send the kids back to your ex full time though. He's a good dad now to small children who think he's great, but your eldest is about to become a teenager. Is he likely to be a good dad to someone constitutionally set up to resist authority at every turn? He doesn't sound like it.

But seriously, this is so recent, OP. Starting a new school is stressful for everyone, even in the easiest of circumstances. Give it a bit of time. And

The fact that you chose to move 50 miles away from your dc school and other home says all I need to know. You don't prioritise them.

I’m genuinely surprised and disgusted by how many people think the OP should be forced to live near her abuser. Absolutely disgusting.

Move back now. If your partner doesn’t support this, he is not for you. You kids are young and dependent on you for a fraction of their lives. Don’t fuck it up for a man/woman.

SimonJT nobody wants her to feel forced to live near her abuser, but how is it better to leave her children to live with her abuser full time instead?

Obviously there is no ideal solution, only compromises, given the shared care order.

Move back.

Despite being a good dad as you say, the emptional and other abuse you suffered could become learned behaviour for your kids.

You will be sending them the message that they come second.

Just thought I’d give a bit of an update, if anyone is at all interested! I sat down with my kids last night and we discussed our options (one of which was moving back). They both still want to continue with the commute for now. They don’t want to live with their dad full time and they don’t want to move schools so that’s decision made for now. I have ALWAYS included my children in every decision which involves them ( so fuck off doublesheesh ).

Last night was meet the teacher at my eldest’s School. His dad was there, my ex. He sat right behind me, which in itself was intimidating. I stayed back to speak to the teacher and again, he stood right behind me. I had to ask the teacher to leave the room to speak to me I was so intimidated. I’ve had an epiphany after reading some of the posts on here. My ex is still abusing me. I’m going to speak to women’s aid today to try and get some advice.

Again, thank you to all who’ve read this fully. If you haven’t, please don’t comment. There is no need to be so hurtful when you don’t know the full story.

You definitely need help
Please do
Speak to women’s and and get referred to local DV service

He is a bully and you need help and empowerment . Look the first and worst step is over . It’s depressing how many women still are in this even after splitting but knowledge is power
Onwards

I’m glad your children are so keen to stay with you OP and that you’ve recognised how wicked your ex is. I’m sure his jaw hit the floor when you actually took the teacher off to speak privately. Good for you. This is the first step to gaining true independence from him. I hope the teacher was able to listen to your concerns and reassure you.

Sorry you are having such an awful time.
Unfortunately people jump in with both feet, gob on overdrive and worse still a keyboard in front of them ! Makes for some hurtful and uncalled for comments .

At least sitting down with the boys you can finally sort this out. Unfortunately for you you still have your ex to contend with.
But reading your last post...well done, you took your 1st step of dealing with bully boy ! You really do need professional advice and support. Maybe in the distance, if your can cut the hold he has on you, your boys will see it too.

Time to kick some ass. You will feel so much better once you make that start. Along with that your mood will lift, then can you deal with your Dp. I hope you have spoken to him and told him what happened with the head teacher and you are going to get help. You WILL need him to be strong and support you.
Good luck. Small steps make changes