AIBU to want to leave my kids with their dad full time?

[finglestick]

This is a long one so apologies in advance. I don’t want to drip feed and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, was with my ex for 12 years, lots of emotional and mental abuse. We have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 9. When I Finally left him he made my life hell. We divorced 4 years ago and he’s still able to mess with my head.

Despite him being a dick to me, he is a good dad to our boys and we’ve had a 50/50 access arrangement in place for 3 years now which works well for all of us.

I met my partner 4 years ago and things are mainly great. We’ve been really rocky of late but that’s down to me. We moved in May to a city 50 miles away from the boys dad, but he wasn’t happy and tried to get a court order preventing the move. I assured him that the access arrangements would remain the same and nothing would change for the boys. We had to have a court order put in place setting access arrangements in stone but that’s all that happened really. They wanted to stay in school in the old city so that’s where they go to school. I drive them there and back when it’s my time with them. It takes around an hour usually.

Things were working well until my eldest started high school. The traffic is so unpredictable and he has been late twice now which has been due to traffic I’ve never experienced before in certain spots.

My eldest has been crying saying this is always going to happen when he’s with me which has upset us all. He hates being late (as do I) and we always leave in plenty of time but it has just been things going wrong which I can’t predict.

I had a day of abuse from my ex yesterday as a few things went wrong (my eldest forgot his trainers for P.E. Despite telling me it was all sorted) my youngest forgot his coat and of course my eldest was late for school.

I’ve always had a nagging doubt about moving but went with it. The move happened incredibly quickly too which didn’t give me time to think about it. But I’m here now and I feel trapped. I’ve just finished uni but I can’t find a job as I need part time hours as I’m driving up and down the motorway so much and there isn’t anything with the flexibility I need.

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way. So AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?

Sweet Jesus

Get the kids school places in the new city and deal with ex through courts

Move back. It was a silly idea to move away. You've got no job anyway so what was the point in the move? It'd be far easier for you to commute via train if you eventually get a job in the city than doing a ridiculous drive everyday. How are you going to find a job that fits around that school run anyway?

Get the kids school places in the new city and deal with ex through courts

The boys are already settled in a school, and custody is shared 50/50.

I'd try moving half-way back, so you didn't have such a long commute. Now is the time to do it, before you get a job.

I wouldn't make any changes that are not child lead for the minute, this is all new and you are still finding your way. Sounds like that you just had a bad day.

Kids can forget shoes , coats and you can get stuck in traffic and still be living much closer, traffic can be unpredictable but you cant be doing this trip for long, so you'll probably have to work out what radio station to listen to get the reliable traffic updates, or what days you need to add another ten mins. I'm sure after a while it will be more reliable. or are there other travel options like a train?

If changes are being made, can you revisit how you share the 50/50 care, minimise your morning school runs.

What other changes can you make , can you pick up cheap spare jackets trainers etc so a set in each household, or spares for car boot. Not meaning to sound mean but if you were working full time you couldn't just go home for trainers etc so 11 year old will have to learn when he says he has his gear sorted it really is sorted.

Your update makes your reasons and thoughts on moving sound more positive and better, but sadly as you know your children have not asked to move lock stock and barrel to live with you and change schools.

Either you have to go through the courts and apply for the contact arrangements to change so they live with you Monday to Friday in term time and simply tell them that they have to change schools (which may well be refused given the children don't want to, their father will contest it, and 50/50 is the established arrangement) or you need to move so they can get to the secondary school at least by themselves.

You can't say your ex is abusive and controlling and then give him the children full time. Would they even recognise or tell you if he was emotionally abusing and controlling them? At their ages they might not know, plus it's more likely to transfer to the children as they reach their teens and naturally become less obliging.

OP you have moved too quickly, far too quickly, and you are just about to compound the mistake by rushing to make a rash decision again.

Slow down.

Losing your kids is surely not an option for you, not a serious one surely.
If you decide to let them with your ex full time you will be out of their lives almost permanently. Can you imagine the impact on them?

If it were me, I would be moving to somewhere in the middle, close enough to be able to get to school on time, far enough away to start a new life. Yes it will be expensive and disruptive moving again, but surely better than losing your boys.

I'd move back if this isn't feasible.

Another vote for moving back.
Much better for your kids. They will feel totally abandoned if you have them stay with their dad full time, esp as he has a history of abusive behaviour.

Also op you can not afford to be lost in your own life.

You are the responsible adult here, your kids are relying on you. Wake up at 5am if you have to, but get the children to school on time for now.

Decide what works for you and your dc, and not everyone else's needs and wants and focus entirely on that. Getting lost in your own life speaks volumes about the lack of current control you actually have (again).

Seems like the biggest issue here is the school. What a nightmare, is the school actually 50 miles away, so are you doing a 100 mile hr round trip twice a day for each day you have them. Come on, you will go insane pretty soon, especially come winter when the traffic will likely be even worse. I don't believe you would want them to be with their dad full-time but you're not wanting to rock the boat.

You want to give your kids up instead of just miving back. I actually can't believe that I just read that!

Can you have the kids at weekends so school timings isn’t an issue?

Put your kids first and move back op. They’re children and didn’t fully understand the implications of moving so you can’t put it on them saying ‘oh they said they were hoping to move’. You’ve taken them 50 miles from their home, their dad and their school. Be a decent parent and move back

Oh wow things must be very tough for you OP but your boys need their mother and if your ex is really that bad, who is to say he won't start it with your kids? No way would I be giving them to him full time

If you leave your kids with their dad full time and he's as controlling as you say, you will lose them forever.

I understand why you would want to move back to what feels like ‘home’ but reality is you can’t even get a job and this isn’t ideal for many reasons. Agree there are other options such as moving to the middle, rearranging the 50/50 care to something more suitable before you agree to become a weekend parent

Imagine how you'd feel in ten years time if, as adults, they tell you they felt completely abandoned when you left them with an abusive man and moved on with your own life. That's how it will seem to them. I'm not sure, even after reading your update, that that isn't what you secretly want to do.

Of course the DCs agreed with the move. They're children. It's your job as the adult to realise that a long commute wasn't going to work. If you're not willing to move schools then you have to move much closer to the old area.
If you left your DCs with their dad full-time, no matter the justifications you give here, your DCs and everyone else will see it that you're putting your DP and his DCs before your own. Your DCs have had enough upset and trauma in their lives, you need to put them first.

You need to move back OP, it's the only real option here. It's not working out. The kids might have thought it was a great idea but they wouldn't have understood the realities of such a long journey each day. As they get older they are going to want to spend more time with their school friends in their home town and part time will likely become no time. I doubt a court will grant you to move them from settled schools and it doesn't sound like the boys would want this anyway.

I’d never move my DC so far away from their dad - it’s hard enough for them to juggle two homes, let alone adding in 50miles between the two.

I’d move back until your youngest is through high school. Then you can move and settle in your home town.

You and your boyfriend can make it work between you as a long distance relationship. If you think that will be hard, I don’t know why you think it’s equally ok to make your DC have a long distance relationship with their dad, let alone all their friends at school. Your DS will not be able to arrange weekend meet-ups etc when you have him 50miles away.

All of you back off and read it from the beginning again. She had an abusive relationship for years and finally could get away and still the Rx tried to make her life a hell.. she decided to move away and she didn't made the decision by herself. She included her children opinion which many adults doesn't do nowadays.
Seriously, give her a break. She is concerned for her children but at the same time she has rights for abuse free and ex free life. At this situation the best option is for the kids to change school. All of you decided to move so the move is not only the property but your whole life including children school too. As you said children know the town you moved in so the adjusting part shouldn't be so bad. And over the weekend the kids can be with dad plus meeting their friends as well.
Well being of children is important, as your well-being as well. If you got sick and cannot drive them to school what would happen? Well i pont out the best option for you but you still have the option to move back. But again the ex would be there to try to control you.

I also think you need to take a clear-eyed look at your current relationship. It's been rocky. You've moved to facilitate his relationship with his DCs to the detriment of your own. You're considering leaving your DCs with your abusive ex. Strangers on the internet can see that's a bad idea so a decent, supportive DP should already have pointed out it's not a working option and be helping you to move closer to your DCs. What is your DP saying about all this OP?

Don’t feel pressured by what everyone is telling you . You obviously are struggling with the relationship balancing with the kids needs . No one is expecting you to find this easy . Have you considered speaking to someone as it seems to me as you might be feeling down and need to see a health professional

There is no way I would give up children that age.

Especially after they said what they wanted was to move to your home town.

Utter betrayal.

They couldn’t possibly have understood the implications of a 50 mile commute when you spoke to them about their current situation.

Either fight / negotiate to move them to your home town as their primary residence or move back.

I'm questioning why you moved with them so far away? IMO a very silly decision. Their school is so far away - what if they get ill/have an accident? Sports days, parents evenings, clubs. Is that all down to their dad to sort out?

My kids dad walked out on us almost a year ago. We lived in Newcastle (his hometown) I moved back to Yorkshire (my hometown) with our boys. It took around 3 months to make that decision but I have NO family support up there, he was abusive and took the absolute piss with saying he'd come and see them and not showing up etc. I moved near my parents, very posh area, beautiful countryside and got my kids into a beautiful school compared to the rough one they were at perviously.

Either move them schools or move with them to be near their school now. If their dad is decent I have no idea why you spoiled that arrangement and made it so hard on everyone.

Surely the other option would be for the boys to change schools even if they are initially reluctant.