AIBU to want to leave my kids with their dad full time?

[finglestick]

This is a long one so apologies in advance. I don’t want to drip feed and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, was with my ex for 12 years, lots of emotional and mental abuse. We have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 9. When I Finally left him he made my life hell. We divorced 4 years ago and he’s still able to mess with my head.

Despite him being a dick to me, he is a good dad to our boys and we’ve had a 50/50 access arrangement in place for 3 years now which works well for all of us.

I met my partner 4 years ago and things are mainly great. We’ve been really rocky of late but that’s down to me. We moved in May to a city 50 miles away from the boys dad, but he wasn’t happy and tried to get a court order preventing the move. I assured him that the access arrangements would remain the same and nothing would change for the boys. We had to have a court order put in place setting access arrangements in stone but that’s all that happened really. They wanted to stay in school in the old city so that’s where they go to school. I drive them there and back when it’s my time with them. It takes around an hour usually.

Things were working well until my eldest started high school. The traffic is so unpredictable and he has been late twice now which has been due to traffic I’ve never experienced before in certain spots.

My eldest has been crying saying this is always going to happen when he’s with me which has upset us all. He hates being late (as do I) and we always leave in plenty of time but it has just been things going wrong which I can’t predict.

I had a day of abuse from my ex yesterday as a few things went wrong (my eldest forgot his trainers for P.E. Despite telling me it was all sorted) my youngest forgot his coat and of course my eldest was late for school.

I’ve always had a nagging doubt about moving but went with it. The move happened incredibly quickly too which didn’t give me time to think about it. But I’m here now and I feel trapped. I’ve just finished uni but I can’t find a job as I need part time hours as I’m driving up and down the motorway so much and there isn’t anything with the flexibility I need.

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way. So AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?

If your boys were enthusiastic about moving to your home town then would that not extend to them being willing to move schools?

I know your ExH will be a barrier to this as it will mean they have further to travel from his place to school but maybe you can find some arrangement to make this work. Maybe he could have the boys from Friday to Sunday.

Look, driving for an hour to school every morning was never going to work. Kids forget things all the time, and it's just not viable to go back and get it when you're that far away.

As I see it, you have three options:

1. Move back closer to where you were. I'm actually somewhat surprised that you were allowed to keep the kids in the same schools, as there's usually a catchment area, which you certainly won't be in.

2. Move schools. This is likely to be the best option, and considering your eldest has just started high school anyway, he wouldn't be far behind the other lads his age, and would soon make friends. I also think your youngest would be fine, as primary school kids seem to relish new kids to fuss over, the way I remember it.

3. Allow them to live with your ex. However, you say "full time", but could you not arrange to have them at the weekends? And perhaps drive to take them out for tea during the week? This is a HUGE decision to make, and would honestly be the least preferable for me of the 3.

I honestly don't know why you would move. Your children will find it difficult to be involved with their friends anyway, given it will be much more difficult for them to go out or go to anything that might be happening, with them living so far away.

There are other things you can do before you make this massive life changing decision. 1) would your eldest consider switching to a school near you? 2) job hunt in that local area or a lot closer. If it was me I’d move at least half hour closer to try and make a compromise move if he won’t move schools

I think you need to do a few things but leaving your DC with their dad full time is NOT one of them.

1. It's only been a few days - the new commute will take a while to settle. You need to experiment eg public transport/ different routes/ leaving early etc. DC needs to understand that while you're all figuring this out it might take a few goes but you WILL figure it out. If traffic is so bad then you need to leave a bit earlier.

1. Moving back is probably not realistic. But couldn't you and your new DP have found somewhere a little closer but still close to his DC and your family? It seems weird to have not considered the school/DC's life issues from the start. It's probably too late, but are there any options to move to a different part of your current town/city that might make things easier?

1. Discuss with your DC. Do they really not want to move schools? Do they perhaps want to live with you? Are they aware of their dad's attempts to control you? Not that you necessarily have to tell them, but Id' think that it's worth assessing what they think and know.

Aprillygirl if a man were to post on MN asking whether he should give up 50/50 and leave his kids with his abusive ex so because he'd moved to live with his new partner of course nobody would say it was a good idea!

You're right that men pull exactly this shot all the time, and we're resigned to it because fathers sadly always have got away with walking away from their children and been praised as "brilliant dad"s for doing any parenting at all, but if they were asking the same question on MN with all the same information they'd get the same replies.

men would get an absolute hammering for it, and quite rightly so.
When you make a commitment to have kids, then the bare mininum stint you do is 18 years.

Your children should absolutely not have a controlling malignant abuser as their full-time parental influence.

It's bad enough that they have him as a male role model half of the time.

You're kidding yourself if you think he's a 'good' dad.

Your boys have and will continue to absorb hundreds of implicit lessons from his toxic example of manhood.

...Lessons about what 'love' is. What partnership looks like. What a good man looks like. Who deserves respect and autonomy. Whose feelings and needs matter. What a woman's role is. What boundaries are healthy and what treatment is intolerable from a partner.

You owe it to your sons to put them first, especially as they're coming into puberty.

What kind of men do you want them to become?

I would ask the DC personally. Would they like to change schools and be with you ft? Would they rather you lived closer to their school and friends or would they rather live with dad?

Do you own the house that you now live in?
Is there anyway eldest would consider high school nearer?
Would train be possibility?

I’m sorry OP, but I agree with the other posters. This isn’t working but you will completely lose your children if you hand them over to their father. If he is that controlling and abusive, he will derive great pleasure in turning the boys against you. If you got a job in the school area, could you rent a cheap place, until your oldest is able to travel independently and your youngest is heading to secondary school. Your youngest could then go to school in your home own and the oldest would be well able to travel. Something has to give, OP and the thing you’ll regret losing for the rest of your life, is your children.

It's very easy for people to say they wouldn't do it because they want the time with their children, but how much time do you want with them? Do enjoy weekend parenting and not the daily grind, or is it that you haven't really thought through that the consequences are not actually seeing your boys? I don't think it's practical to keep up a 50 mile commute for school and seeing friends and weekends too, you'll end up with them wanting to live with their dad anyway. If it were me then I'd look into moving schools, drop them off with dad on one week night and collect the next morning, then again on the weekend whether he's having 1 or 2 days. That's 3 trips for you instead of 2 each school day that you have them.

If your ex still hates you that much, I think there is a good chance he'll try to damage your dc's relationship with you if he has them full-time ("Your mother abandoned you to go off with a new man"). Honestly, don't do it.

I do understand your reasons for hoping things would be better if you put some physical difference between you and him. I agree with posters who are asking if you can move halfway between your current location and old home - somewhere more easily commutable for both. The current commute isn't fair or sustainable.

Move back.

If it was a man posting that he'd moved away to be with a new partner and was now considering leaving his DC with his ex all the time, they would be getting responses much harsher than the ones that OP has received.

Really? Even though he was having his kids every weekend? If I had a controlling ex I would want him to live as far away as possible to be honest.

How can the DC changing schools help in this situation anyway - they would then have the same issue with their DF and the exact same journey in the opposite direction!

Also there is a court order for 50/50, whilst the 15yo could probably decide for themselves I can’t see a controlling ex just agreeing to give up any of their residency to OP, allowing school changes without dragging her through court all over again

Really? Even though he was having his kids every weekend? If I had a controlling ex I would want him to live as far away as possible to be honest.

He'd have his arse handed to him for trying to opt out of the mundane day to day parenting tasks and monopolising the fun weekends. People would ask him when the mum would have fun quality time with the kids. There'd also be many posters calling whether she was actually abusive at all into question because who on earth would willingly leave their children in the sole care of an abuser.

Aprillygirl as far away as possible from you at the expense of being the resident parent for your children? Isn't that effectively (metaphorically) chucking your children to the wolves to save yourself?

I would move back but moving takes time so maybe consider the boys living with their father during the week so they can continue to go to their schools? I think you made a big mistake moving but I think you realise that now? I don’t think I could move my kids a hour away from their father and from their schools, it just wouldn’t work.

Possibly @Banangana, though I still think that if he'd had a go at making the long distance commute to school arrangement work people would not be as aghast at him as they are the OP.

If your ex was abusive to you, it is very likely that your current partner is simply a different flavour of abuser (given what you say, that the relationship is not good yet you moved away to be with him). Women who have had previous shitty partners tend to pick more shitty partners, just a different type eg is the previous one was an alcoholic they will pick a teetotaller who is highly critical and demanding because at least he doesn't drink; if the last one was physically violent, the next one will be obsessed with sex, constantly asking for it and sniffing around other women, because he'd never raise a hand to me. And because some women have been led to believe that to be without A Man is to be a failure, so they will put up with any old shit in order not to be single.
Dump this loser, move your DC back home and stay single for a couple of years - not because single mums should be sexless but because you need to learn how to be happy single before you're capable of picking a nice man from a wankstain.

I’ve read your update OP and I’m still in the move back camp.
If their Dad was a wonderful person and the relationship was strong, I’d maybe consider it, however given you have experienced his abuse I don’t understand how this feels like a viable option. Your boys would feel abandoned, however you position it.
Please look at moving back. Is there anyway your partner could keep the current place and you rent somewhere closer to the old town? There must be other options.the shared custody arrangement has worked well for your or 3 years, it feels incredibly risky to jeopardise that.
My main concern is that their whole life is in the old town and over time your ex might isolate them from you and you might find yourself with very little contact as a result.

@finglestick

This is not a good look. It seems like you're putting your new boyfriend first.

As a number of posters have said, move back!

Also, what is this 'he is a bastard, and nasty to me, and makes me ill with stress, but he's a good dad' thing that many women post on here?

He is NOT a good dad if he treating the child's mother like shit, because the kids are seeing how vile and disrespectful their dad is towards their mother. Good dad my arse!

@Aprillygirl

I think people are giving you a really rough ride on here. If you were a man no-one would blink an eye, but as a woman people are seeing it as you abandoning your kids.

Stop talking such utter nonsense! I agree with 'redsky if this was a man, he would be getting HARSHER responses, not better ones!'

Move back.
There's nothing I would have liked more than to move away from my exh. But I couldn't. The kids were settled in school and their lives are where we all live. When they move out when they are older then I'm out of here. Until then I'm stuck. I moved 7 miles away and that causes enough bother!

Possibly @Banangana, though I still think that if he'd had a go at making the long distance commute to school arrangement work people would not be as aghast at him as they are the OP.

I agree that many people consider mothers to be the 'main' carer so it's more shocking when a mother volunteers to be the non resident parent. But I think this is the reason why the OP has received well measured advice on how to best resolve the situation rather than abuse. People are also more willing to take her at her word that the ex is abusive without question because she's a woman and it's well documented that women are more likely to suffer from abuse at the hands of a partner.

If it were a man, there'd be a pile on of people questioning whether the ex is abusive at all and trying to catch him out and find evidence that he'd been the abuser all along. The fact that he insisted on 50/50 only to give it up to live near a partner also wouldn't go down well and people would assume he only insisted in the first place to avoid paying maintenance and controlling the ex.

changing schools to somewhere ( even if it’s half way ) could work
I don't think it would be fair to make them move schools I less it's something they ask for. Also moving them half way between both homes is hardly practical and will make it harder for them to socialise with their friends outside school even if you could get places for them.
I think you need to put the needs of the children first. What do they want? Talk to them and ask them to be honest.