AIBU to want to leave my kids with their dad full time?

[finglestick]

This is a long one so apologies in advance. I don’t want to drip feed and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, was with my ex for 12 years, lots of emotional and mental abuse. We have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 9. When I Finally left him he made my life hell. We divorced 4 years ago and he’s still able to mess with my head.

Despite him being a dick to me, he is a good dad to our boys and we’ve had a 50/50 access arrangement in place for 3 years now which works well for all of us.

I met my partner 4 years ago and things are mainly great. We’ve been really rocky of late but that’s down to me. We moved in May to a city 50 miles away from the boys dad, but he wasn’t happy and tried to get a court order preventing the move. I assured him that the access arrangements would remain the same and nothing would change for the boys. We had to have a court order put in place setting access arrangements in stone but that’s all that happened really. They wanted to stay in school in the old city so that’s where they go to school. I drive them there and back when it’s my time with them. It takes around an hour usually.

Things were working well until my eldest started high school. The traffic is so unpredictable and he has been late twice now which has been due to traffic I’ve never experienced before in certain spots.

My eldest has been crying saying this is always going to happen when he’s with me which has upset us all. He hates being late (as do I) and we always leave in plenty of time but it has just been things going wrong which I can’t predict.

I had a day of abuse from my ex yesterday as a few things went wrong (my eldest forgot his trainers for P.E. Despite telling me it was all sorted) my youngest forgot his coat and of course my eldest was late for school.

I’ve always had a nagging doubt about moving but went with it. The move happened incredibly quickly too which didn’t give me time to think about it. But I’m here now and I feel trapped. I’ve just finished uni but I can’t find a job as I need part time hours as I’m driving up and down the motorway so much and there isn’t anything with the flexibility I need.

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way. So AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?

Stop talking such utter nonsense! hmm I agree with 'redsky if this was a man, he would be getting HARSHER responses, not better ones!'

Bollocks. As long as dad was seeing their child/ren regularly no-one would give a shit where he lived.

I’d look into moving back before I lose living with my children

I think now is the age when they need you most and will feel abandoned if you leave them with your ex. They are also old enough to be involved in the decision making process and guided to make correct decisions.

Sit them down and explain to them that things aren't working out this way. You want to put them in a school close by to make things easier for them. Surely travelling that much is hard on them either. Also tell them that they have a choice to live with their dad if they want to stay in the old school but you would really like it if they stay with you and go to a school close by.

I know other posters are suggesting that you move back to the old city but I am not so sure about that as it would give your ex a control over your life again. Surely the whole purpose of moving to another city was to remove yourself from that situation.

As for part time jobs, for now why don't you look for something close to their school?

IMO I'd change their school, move all of you completely away from that life, that place.

Is there not a court ordered arrangement of 50/50 in place? If the Op can just change their schools and move them so far away from their dad then the exDH can do the same to the OP as well.

I'd say since there is a 50: 50 arrangement in place, it is up to the parents to live close enough to each other to be able to manage the children and school runs and care between them without it being a logistical nightmare

I would move closer to the school but not so close that the ex will be tempted to move in nearby again!!

@bumblingbovine49

Everyone is ignoring that it seems!

You’re being very unreasonable to put your boyfriend ahead of your kids. You can’t just drop your kids cause they don’t suit your new living arrangement, especially to live With a man you know is abusive. Give your head a wobble

Yeah you need to move back. Plenty time for moving where you fancy when they're older which won't be too far away.

There's got to be a compromise between moving back into the city you left and giving up on 50:50 split.

Most secondary school students make their own way to school. Look at all public transport options that go anywhere near the school, and look at places you could move to which would allow your eldest to make his own way using public transport, while you continue to get the youngest to school until they are old enough to go solo too.

Your kids have to come first and it will be easier to do this now, as at least you don't have the complication of a job move too.

Presumably there are other locations between where your ex lives and where you live? And you can’t seriousjy be content to give the full time parenting role to someone who is capable of the abuse you’ve mentioned? Can’t you research areas that would bring you closer to your children but far enough away from your ex to be comfortable?

There has to be a compromise somewhere. I'd suggest considering moving somewhere between the 2 places for starters. Otherwise you're looking at you having them Friday to Sunday which I doubt your kids will like and accuse you of putting the OH over them in the future.

Aprillygirl as far away as possible from you at the expense of being the resident parent for your children? Isn't that effectively (metaphorically) chucking your children to the wolves to save yourself?

I am saying that if my children's father moved 50 miles away I would not care so long as he continued to see the DC regularly. Personally I would do everything I could to obtain full custody of my kids, but OP chose to/was forced to share custody and has moved away-not,as people are accusing her of, for a man from what I can tell- but to get away from her controlling ex, thinking (albeit naively) that she could continue to keep things as they are. She can't, so is considering other options not callously throwing her kids to the wolves ffs.

@MouseInATelescope -perhaps rtft? Op has said her ex is abusive and controlling. The top last two times she moved, he moved to the end of her road. Now do you understand why she might want space in between them?

Op, I think people have been very harsh here. How many of the people who’ve criticised you would want to live with their ex at the end of their road? 🙄🙄

I can see why you’ve moved. But is it sustainable in the long term?

Can you go to the police and get a restraining order on your ex? Do your dc love him and want to see him, or are they scared of h8m but scared to tell you that?

Your ex treated you badly. He will do the same to the next woman in his life. Do you really want your boys growing up with that as normal?

Set off for school much earlier. It will become just a habit after a month or so. Yes the boys need to be responsible for kit etc but it's the start of term so check/nag. It's worth getting 'mum I know what I'm doing/stop asking' to keep the contact.

Get rid of your boyfriend and move back. No man is worth your relationship with your kids.

YABU. You'd rather be with a boyfriend after a poorly thought out move than be with your kids? And want to leave them full-time with an abusive ex?

Move back and break up with rocky DP. Concentrate on helping your kids and getting a better job and stabilising your life.

Where are you living now? Rented or owned? Who is on the tenancy agreement/mortgage? I imagine your ex would legally block the boys moving schools and he'd be well within his rights. No court is going to let them move if settled and happy.

No way in hell I'd give up my kids. Have a meeting with pastoral care at the secondary and explain the situation and that you're doing your best to resolve it. There will be a lot of pressure on your son for attendance and being on time. This should allievate some of it. Then look into your options for moving back closer to where you used to live. Now that you know where the traffic snarls you can target an area better. Let your DP know it isn't working but you'll give it a try until Christmas then you may need to move.

Jaw dropping.

Sure, if you want this, see if your (abusive) Ex will agree to have your DC full time.

I can't believe you would choose staying with a man you're in a rocky relationship with over your kids. I wouldn't have moved 50 miles away in the first place. You've created this. You need to move somewhere in the middle.

OP I just wanted to say that your situation sounds really difficult and I empathise. People are not RTFT and seeing / understanding your post about how you are trying to stop being under your exe's control. Your new partner is a red herring in this. You need to get away from your ex. But it looks like there's no reason why the courts would award him less that 50% custody. So what do you do?
I completely understand why you moved. But equally I think if you send your boys to live will their dad then you'll regret it. Sending these

@123chocolate read the OP's update She moved to try and get away from the abuse. What do you suggest she does?

My advice would have been to move back. Travelling 100 miles per day sounds rubbish for the children

But your drip feed makes it seem more complicated. What do the children want to do?

Is there anywhere you could move to which is half way between your DP's children and your own children's school?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my posts fully. I moved in an attempt to try and stop the controlling behaviour as I (naively) thought distance would make things better for us all. I was wrong. I can’t just move them or move their school due to the shared care court order. My ex would fight me every step of the way. If it’s any indication, his legal fees for the divorce were £28k because he argued with everything, wouldn’t talk to me, and he ended up looking like a twat in court. He continues to be this way too!!!

My boyfriend is not new. We have been together for over 4 years and he has seen first hand how manipulative by ex is. It is rocky because I am having some issues at the moment. I haven’t moved to be with him and his children as he had been living with me before we moved away.

I have always put my children first and if you knew the history you would understand that. The throwing my children to the wolves comments are really hurtful. Some posters have given me some different perspectives and I need to take some time to think now. Moving back is a viable option and is something I’ve thought about.

I am the parent who makes all the decisions but I don’t think I’ve got it right this time and believe me I’m beating myself harder than any of you are beating me right now.

I’m glad you haven’t been scared away from the thread, OP and I hope it has been some help to you. If you can keep in mind, you have put up with his crap for years, but you’ve only a couple more to go, as your youngest can go to senior school in your family’s home town and your oldest can independently travel. Two more years and you’ll escape the scum bag. If your ‘new’ relationship has survived this long, then your bf probably understands the issues.

I am the parent who makes all the decisions but I don’t think I’ve got it right this time

That's ok. You made a mistake. Be honest with your kids and see what you can figure out. You've not done anything permanent so you can fix it.