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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to leave my kids with their dad full time?

217 replies

finglestick · 10/09/2019 09:11

This is a long one so apologies in advance. I don’t want to drip feed and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, was with my ex for 12 years, lots of emotional and mental abuse. We have two wonderful boys aged 11 and 9. When I Finally left him he made my life hell. We divorced 4 years ago and he’s still able to mess with my head.

Despite him being a dick to me, he is a good dad to our boys and we’ve had a 50/50 access arrangement in place for 3 years now which works well for all of us.

I met my partner 4 years ago and things are mainly great. We’ve been really rocky of late but that’s down to me. We moved in May to a city 50 miles away from the boys dad, but he wasn’t happy and tried to get a court order preventing the move. I assured him that the access arrangements would remain the same and nothing would change for the boys. We had to have a court order put in place setting access arrangements in stone but that’s all that happened really. They wanted to stay in school in the old city so that’s where they go to school. I drive them there and back when it’s my time with them. It takes around an hour usually.

Things were working well until my eldest started high school. The traffic is so unpredictable and he has been late twice now which has been due to traffic I’ve never experienced before in certain spots.

My eldest has been crying saying this is always going to happen when he’s with me which has upset us all. He hates being late (as do I) and we always leave in plenty of time but it has just been things going wrong which I can’t predict.

I had a day of abuse from my ex yesterday as a few things went wrong (my eldest forgot his trainers for P.E. Despite telling me it was all sorted) my youngest forgot his coat and of course my eldest was late for school.

I’ve always had a nagging doubt about moving but went with it. The move happened incredibly quickly too which didn’t give me time to think about it. But I’m here now and I feel trapped. I’ve just finished uni but I can’t find a job as I need part time hours as I’m driving up and down the motorway so much and there isn’t anything with the flexibility I need.

I’m so lost with my own life and I don’t want the kids to be compromised in any way. So AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?

OP posts:
WhatIsThis1 · 10/09/2019 09:21

I don't understand why your first instinct is to give your kids up. Move nearer their schools and get a job there since you have had no luck so far.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/09/2019 09:21

What was the reason for the move? I get the feeling from your OP that it was down to your partner

I’d move back. Not just for the kids although they should be your first priority but also because of your job prospects due to the travel. If you and your partner split up can you afford to support yourself and the boys on a part time wage?

But my main reason is that staying where you are and sending the boys to their dad is a really powerful rejection of them IMO. One they may never get over. Think really hard about what kind of relationship you want with them in the future. Teens won’t want to visit for weekends. You could end up no contact at all.

GinNotGym19 · 10/09/2019 09:21

I think you need to move back or change the schools. You’ve given it a good go but it’s clearly not working. I wouldn’t want my kids to live with ex full time so I sympathise

ineedaholidaynow · 10/09/2019 09:22

Why did you move? Is their commute to school from you 50 miles?

I don’t think changing schools to somewhere in between wouldn’t be fair as they would sort of end up in no mans land in respect of local friends, if that makes sense?

Is there any way you can move back?

peachgreen · 10/09/2019 09:22

I don't think you're thinking straight OP, choosing a rocky relationship over your children. Moving back seems the most sensible option.

madcatladyforever · 10/09/2019 09:23

This all sounds like a real mess and it seems as if you haven't thought anything through properly. It sounds like your boys are becoming very unsettled.
You seem to be putting some bloke first and doing what he says.
You should be putting your sons first, every single time. I didn't have any relationships until my son was 17 when I left his abusive father as I felt he had had enough and needed a smooth and peaceful life.
You will lose your boys if you carry on like this.
Ditch the boyfriend, move back and find a job.
If you don't you will miss out on a relationship with your children forever and they will never forgive you for abandoning them.

SmellMySmellbow · 10/09/2019 09:23

Personally I would choose moving back over significantly less time with my children. Surely that's a priority over new house and boyfriend? See your boyfriend less rather than your children. You can move in together when they've left home. If he's The One he will understand and will wait that long.

PinkCrayon · 10/09/2019 09:23

I cant see how you thought moving so far away you would still be able to maintain 50/50 sounds like you didnt think about your children.
I can see why your ex is annoyed I would be.
Move back.

WitsEnding · 10/09/2019 09:24

You had a nagging doubt about moving but rushed your children in to it, and you haven't mentioned any reason to stay except your partner with whom you have a really rocky relationship - it's not relevant whether that is your fault or his, it's just how things are.

It sounds as though the move was a mistake. Would your ex assist you financially over the move back (help you get re-established)?

You say your ex was emotionally abusive but he's a good dad. It's unlikely both will be true as the DC become teenagers and need role models.

Ilovecolinjackson · 10/09/2019 09:24

Personally I would move back and stay put until kids were done with school. This set up is unsettling them, aggravating your ex and stressing you, whilst you are considering letting him have kids full time, the only thing that has rocked the boat was your move.
Trust me if your new partner is worth their wait in gold they will support you in supporting your family, as the kids get older and more independent you can then move as they will be able to move between their parents themselves.

Peanutbutterforever · 10/09/2019 09:24

Move back. Don't give up your kids.

Densol999 · 10/09/2019 09:25

Do not do this
Move back close to your boys
Its clearly all about your new partner
I did exactly what you did for one year
50 miles as well - commuting them on a Friday to a Monday.
It was a nightmare and I always regretted it
I moved back, and actually bought my ex out of the family home and we carried on sharing 50/50
They live with me full time out of choice now they are adults
Move back - dont dump your kids for a bloke

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 10/09/2019 09:25

One way would be to pack the car the night before therefore nobody forgets anything...thus relieving any stress
The move you made for whatever reason although bad now will continue to get worse in the coming winter months so you need to be prepared for that. Could a train be a better option for travel?Again all depends on kids ages
Could they stay with dad monday to friday and you have them weekends maybe? during term time..Would this be ok with the kids ?
I think all in all you need to sit down quietly with yourself and work out what it is you want and what would benefit the family the most.Its a tough one...
I

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 10/09/2019 09:26

You made a mistake moving. Just move back.

Idontwanttotalk · 10/09/2019 09:26

"AIBU in thinking of letting my kids live with my ex full time in The area they’ve grown up in, with their school and friends, and I take on a part time parent role?"
You are both already parenting part time if you have the children 50:50.

Can you not move back to the area, especially as you are limited as to when you can work?

Leave for school even earlier?

If all else fails and the DC move back in with their DF, how often are you planning to see them?

Will DC feel abandoned if you do leave them with their DF? Consider the effect on them.

Put your DC before your rocky relationship with your partner. The DC will always be your DC. He may not always be your partner.

Don't do anything in haste. This is a massively important decision. No knee-jerk reactions.

December2019 · 10/09/2019 09:26

Yeah I would also move back you will be missing out on so much.. and they're not in school forever don't give up your boys 💐

Userzzzzz · 10/09/2019 09:27

This whole thing sounds bizarre. Why did you move in a rush if your relationship was rocky, so your bits get on with your partner? This must have all been very unsettling. They will never forgive you if you give up contact so you can stay with your new partner. They won’t understand the logistics just see that their lives have been turned upside down for the partner.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 10/09/2019 09:29

Move back! Don’t put an already rocky relationship with your partner ahead of your children. You could very well end up with nothing.

Chocolatemouse84 · 10/09/2019 09:29

How would your children feel about it? And how would contact with you work? I'd be mindful that as they get even older, they are unlikely to want to come 50 miles at a weekend to visit you when they could be with their friend.

Its not unreasonable having their father parent full time in theory but it sounds like the 50/50 worked well before you moved and I'd be reluctant to change that. For me, loving back to your old area would be preferable ... If new partner objected, I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

I'm not surprised your ex wanted to stop you moving, I'd have been the same. I'm 60 miles away from my family and whilst it's not a huge distance, me or the kids wouldn't want to do that drive daily

northerngirl2012 · 10/09/2019 09:30

Move back, makes much more sense. Continuity for you & boys. Can move when they’re in 6th form etc.

PepsiLola · 10/09/2019 09:30

I'd move back, it's not working for you guys as a family.

Pikapikachooo · 10/09/2019 09:30

Move back OP
Honestly that’s what I would do

Purplejay · 10/09/2019 09:30

Why the hell did you move? How was 50/50 ever going to work if the kids school is 50 miles away?! Why didn’t you wait until the kids had finished school? This was a massive thing to do and it sounds like you rushed it and didn’t think it through.

I can’t imagine a scenario where my first thought would be to step back from my kids. Move back ffs!

SconeofDestiny · 10/09/2019 09:30

Why did you move 50 miles away?
The obvious but clearly unpalatable solution for you is to Move back to where the boys school is.

You appear from your OP to have jumped from one relationship straight into another dodgy one after getting divorced and your boys are now unwanted baggage.

Why on earth do you think leaving them in the sole care of an abusive man is a good solution?
It's obviously solves your commuting problems but ask yourself honestly, is it really the best solution for them?

EdnaAdaSmith · 10/09/2019 09:31

Yep move back.

You don't have a job in the new town. You've only moved for your partner.

Does your partner have children who live with him 50/50 or more? If not it makes vastly more sense that he moves to your children's town and partner can commute to work, rather than you and two children moving to him and creating this unsustainable situation in which you drive them 50 miles to school and therefore can't work yourself at all. You need to move back to the town where your children's schools and lives are, so they can walk or bus to school and you can use your newly earned degree and work.

Moving to your partner makes everyone miserable.

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