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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU? Partner left me

204 replies

northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:13

So basically I have a son, and me and now ex DP have an 8 month old
He’s been abit miserable with me recently and I could tell he wasn’t happy. Yesterday morning he said he’s done he isn’t happy and he packed his stuff and left, this has all hit me like a tonne of bricks.
When he left he text me saying just give him some space he needs to think and I didn’t reply

This morning at 9.45 I text him saying hope he’s okay and if he wants to come speak etc to let me know and that I hope we can work this out

He’s gone mental at me. Calling me all sorts of names, saying I’m a joke for asking him to try work it out when he said he wants space

Was I BU in texting ?
I thought I had done quite well only sending one text since he left- surely he should have contacted me to ask how the kids were etc,
He’s fully left me in the lurch now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve ruined it all

OP posts:
Borlotti · 08/09/2019 10:17

You haven't ruined it all.
He's behaving like a child.
He's not left the relationship in a respectful, mature way and I find it especially galling he feels he can just walk away leaving you with sole care of his child and not even attempting to make any provision for their welfare.
Don't contact him again and prepare for life without him.
Apply for maintenance for your child.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.

squeakybike · 08/09/2019 10:18

I suppose it depends on the build up to this situation happening. If he left out of the blue with no explanation and has all of a sudden become abusive and horrible, then yes it's unreasonable. But there may be some sort of underlying issue?

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2019 10:21

Doesn't matter if there's an 'underlying issue'

He's walked away from his child, assuming (rightly) that the OP will carry on caring for it, without a thought for anyone's welfare.

Whatever way you look at it, it's 'unreasonable' and he's a waste of space.

So sorry OP. Prepare to go it alone now.

Original poster
northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:22

I think the build up has just been him becoming less happy, there’s been less intimacy and when I try and talk about things he tells me I’m moaning and winging and to leave it. So I have left it but yesterday morning I just said it’s bringing me down abit now how distant he is and he left. My son is at his dad and due home at 4. No idea what I’m going to say to him Sad

OP posts:
ParentingFailsandPigtails · 08/09/2019 10:23

Maybe try to see if his family could help him address what is making him unhappy.

Perhaps there has been a build up to this as @squeakybike said? An event or situation that has occurred?

You texting him is by no means the wrong move, and I agree with @Borlotti his actions appear childish.

Man are terrible at dealing with emotions in my experience, maybe he doesnt know how to articulate how he is feeling.

H x

Borlotti · 08/09/2019 10:24

"Underlying issues " done't give someone free rein to name call and just abandon their child with no consideration to their welfare.

Hooferdoofer37 · 08/09/2019 10:24

Put in an application for mantainace to the CSA first thing tomorrow.

He can walk away from you, but he can't walk away from his DC.

FelixFelicis6 · 08/09/2019 10:26

Hmmm. And has he been spending more time away from home at all OP? Gym etc?

whattodowith · 08/09/2019 10:26

Any chance he has been cheating? I only say this because a lack of intimacy and change in mood can be signs, that coupled with him suddenly leaving and reacting so angrily when you tried to get in touch... Just seems a bit suspect to me.

Anyway that aside, he is behaving like a petulant child. It’s ok to ‘need space’ but you two have a baby who I’m assuming he isn’t bothering to visit atm or even check up on Hmm. I would get the ball rolling as a single parent.

Borlotti · 08/09/2019 10:26

So you've tried to talk through the problems in your relationship in a mature way and he's reacted to that by telling you that you're moaning and whingeing?

He's a complete loser.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but trust me in time you'll realise how much happier and better off you are without him.

Let him have his childish tantrum, don't contact him again unless it's in regards to your child and prepare for life without him.

Borlotti · 08/09/2019 10:27

whattodowith, I thought the exact same thing.

Beesandcheese · 08/09/2019 10:29

You didn't ruin anything. A text, offering a way forward. After a night was a very restrained thing to do. He is behaving in a very extreme fashion. He should probably seek some support as he sounds actually unwell.

You and your son need to gather support for yourselves too. Have you spoken to your family at all?

Original poster
northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:29

No no time away from home etc, he has a new job which is keeping him abit busier but nothing untoward.
We have been bickering due to childcare. I’ve just returned to work 2 weeks ago since maternity. While on maternity we had a few arguments because he’s never got up with baby in nihjt or in morning, even on a weekend. Argument was you’re on maternity that’s your job so I just did it.
But now I’m back at work I’ve asked for more help because I feel abit swamped, I get kids up get them ready do two drop offs get to work for 9, leave work collect both kids make tea as do all housework- so I’ve felt knackered ! He seems to think I’m askinf too much wanting help and I think that’s what’s pushed him this way

OP posts:
31RueCambon75001 · 08/09/2019 10:29

Wow. Stop pandering to HIM.

He has left a relationship, a relationship in which you have both just brought a baby in to, and he has left you on your own to figure out what is going on.

If he hasn't communicated really clearly to you what is going on then no you were not unreasonable.

In situations like this he sounds the type to decide parenting isn't for him and waltz off leaving you with 97% of the childcare and the financial impact/sacrifices as well.

If he does decide he wants space, make sure he realises that he isn't choosing between family and freedom. He cannot have freedom at your expense (well, he could) be he cannot have freedom at your expense and then reasonably get annoyed with you!!

Do not let it happen. If it is over, be really assertive about the fifty per cent of the week that he will be responsible for the baby.

This will stop him in his tracks. I don't mean, bring him back to you, because that doesn't sound like a great idea.

But hopefully he will see that the choice he has now is not family or freedom. It is responsibility in a family or responsibility and partial freedom

user1471590586 · 08/09/2019 10:29

Even if he comes back now you will be tip toeing around him, worrying that you will upset him. Sounds like it's been building up to this is a while. Think about what you want, do you actually want him back?

squeakybike · 08/09/2019 10:29

Doesn't matter if there's an 'underlying issue'

Of course it matters. Us on mumsnet only know what we are told from the original post. There could have been succession of things that have happened previously to maybe come to some sort of explanation as to why he is being the way he is?

That certainly doesn't excuse it, but it's about trying to find a wider understanding of the situation to try and give the OP better advice.

You don't all need to jump on me for saying that.

donotcovertheradiator · 08/09/2019 10:34

How long have you been together?

Did he want the baby or, even if he did, has the reality of it proved too much and he feels trapped...or someone is telling him he's trapped? Where is he staying?

I suppose if you want him back, you need to get to the bottom of why his attitude has changed and address that if you reasonably can.

If you don't-and I wouldn't blame you-then you need to do as others have said and make sure he is the system for paying up.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/09/2019 10:35

Sounds like he has decided he wants out. Broad generalisation here, but usually when men decide out of the blue and seem to become irrational it's to deflect from their behaviour.

I think he is with or at least has been with someone else. But it makes him better, and is a better story to tell others that it's a your fault.

whattodowith · 08/09/2019 10:36

Any chance he has met someone in his new workplace? His behaviour points towards an affair that’s all.

Beesandcheese · 08/09/2019 10:36

He's wrong of course, it's perfectly normal for adults to look after the house, children and get on with work, muddling through together is modern life!
Don't respond from a place of guilt. Even if you're overwhelmed that's nothing to feel guilt for. Asking for a partner to pick up the slack isn't unreasonable!
Be firm. Back off from him but be open in your communications with family and friends. No doubt he will be grumpy that "you're making him look bad" next. But don't feel guilty to get support for you and the children. You also need to consider short to mid term finances. Again he might freak out, but make sure you can carry on with food, bills etc if there's anything he normally pays (my ex decided to stop paying everything that happened to go out of his account because "he wasn't using it" but didn't tell me).

madcatladyforever · 08/09/2019 10:37

What an entitled little shit, when you have kids to look after you are not entitled to have any "space".
You have to either work it out like a proper man or organise a break up that impacts the kids as little as possible.
I wouldn't expect much from this man child if I were you.

Original poster
northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:37

He wanted baby. He just isn’t very hands on.
He’s already saying he wants baby this night and this night etc- but DD has only ever had one night away from me with my dad.
Ex DP has never even got up with her or made her a meal. Hes never even taken her out on his own.
This is absolutely tearing me apart and I’m so sad for my 4 year old ds. He’s going to be heartbroken and I let it happen

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/09/2019 10:37

Of course it matters. Us on mumsnet only know what we are told from the original post. There could have been succession of things that have happened previously to maybe come to some sort of explanation as to why he is being the way he is?

There can be all the Underlying Issues under the sun. Doesn't mean you can just walk away from your children without a care in the world.

And from the update, he doesn't appear to be much of a loss.

Windygate · 08/09/2019 10:38

Your update makes things a lot clearer. He doesn't want to do any of the actual work involved in running a home and caring for the children.

Unfortunately I think you need to prepare for being a lone parent to two DC but it sounds as though you've pretty much been doing that since the baby arrived.

CMS claim first thing tomorrow and check what benefits you might qualify for as well www.entitledto.com can be helpful

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2019 10:40

This is absolutely tearing me apart and I’m so sad for my 4 year old ds. He’s going to be heartbroken and I let it happen

What do you mean. 'you let it happen'??

He's a lazy, misogynistic waste of space! No respect for you at all.

And do not let him decide when and how he wants to see the baby. That has to be jointly agreed with her welfare at the heart. I assume he'll go to his mum's as she'll know about feeding and sleep as he doesn't?

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