Was I BU? Partner left me

[northeatswest]

So basically I have a son, and me and now ex DP have an 8 month old
He’s been abit miserable with me recently and I could tell he wasn’t happy. Yesterday morning he said he’s done he isn’t happy and he packed his stuff and left, this has all hit me like a tonne of bricks.
When he left he text me saying just give him some space he needs to think and I didn’t reply

This morning at 9.45 I text him saying hope he’s okay and if he wants to come speak etc to let me know and that I hope we can work this out

He’s gone mental at me. Calling me all sorts of names, saying I’m a joke for asking him to try work it out when he said he wants space

Was I BU in texting ?
I thought I had done quite well only sending one text since he left- surely he should have contacted me to ask how the kids were etc,
He’s fully left me in the lurch now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve ruined it all

From what you said I think this is more likely to be a power play. You have asked for his help and he doesnt want to give it. He wants you to do everything for him to come and go as he pleases.

This is his move to get that.

He's being an arse.

There are two children her who are total innocents in this situation, and no matter how unreasonable he thinks you are asking for is help in the home (BTW - you are NOT unreasonable), he has no right to do or say anything which will upset them.

Don't let him take your DD overnight - he doesn't know how to look after her by the sound of it - and remind him that there is a heartbroken little boy who rewards him as his daddy, who just doesn't know what has happened to his world.

OP, please contact your dad or a good friend and get some support, somebody to talk to.

DON'T take this shit from your XP. There may or may not be someone else, but you need to keep that in mind. So many times, when the XH walks out it is because of somebody else. and when they do, they blame you for everything to make it ok for them to leave, especially when there is a child involved.

He is the one walking away from family life and responsibility, not you.

Try and find your strength, recognise him for the selfish twat that he is, and stand up and come out fighting.

I know that it won't be easy, but please don't take the blame onto yourself.

I think he's saying you texted him was the last straw as an excuse to blame you for him leaving which he was going to do anyway. Even if it hurts I think you need to walk away from this utter arseholes. As others have said raise a maintenance claim, see a solicitor and get the ball rolling for divorce. As for him having the baby this night or that night, it's way too early for that and from what you've said he's not equipped to deal with the baby anyway! I didnt let my ex have our DD until she was 2. He also never did anything to help look after her and I felt she would be unsafe in his care overnight.

You sound like you've had so much on your young shoulders, you need support and help, not this drama. If he can't see this and let you lean on him then he's no good for you as a man and a partner. You've just lost your mum and had a baby, you need someone who helps not hinders.

Try and see your doctor, get some help, and if possible get referred to counselling. Look at sorting out child support and organising him having the baby every now and again (which will be a big shock and wake up for him - will probably make him realise just how much you did). This is not your fault - your mum was ill and your partner is selfish/useless. Speak to your dad, I'm sure he'd be worried about you, not disappointed. He's probably already upset that your mum didn't share her problems..

I've been reading backwards "up" the thread and just got to your post about your DM taking her own life.

How dreadful for you and your dad. Any bereavement is crippling, but a suicide throws so many emotions into the grief mix, it's unbelievable. If your "D"P can't see this you are so much better off without him - you really, really are.

I know you can't see it now because this is effectively another bereavement on top of the loss of your mother, and you are in bits, but your partner is a selfish arse of an apology for a man. You have received some very good advice on here - especially from Nousername - please take it.

Get all of your duckpin a row - you make decide that you want him to come back if that is what he chooses to do - but at least you will be prepared for being on your own, and also if (when!0 he pulls this shitty trick again, you will be ready for it.

My hearts aching for you - you must feel so bereft.

I wondered too about another woman, but what you've written about how his family have barely been involved or even interested in their GC I'm more wondering if you aren't the OW. Not that you would have known that of course.

Whatever, he was clearly setting you up in a game you could only lose at.

OP-Your ex is a liar and an idiot. An adult does not decide whether or not to leave a serious relationship with the mother of their child over a single text. Furthermore, the text in question was wholly reasonable.

His whining that he wants space is utterly pathetic. He should have thought of that before he became a parent and acquired responsibilities. He now needs to suck it up.

Don't let him manipulate or bully you. Please get some support in RL from someone sensible who loves you

Yanbu at all. Sounds like he was waiting for a reason to let loose and used that. In other words, I don't think there was ANYTHING you could have done to elicit a different response. Let him have his time and meanwhile take time for yourself to evaluate whether YOU want this relationship. Think clearly. It's so easy to let emotions take over in these circumstances.

Also echoing other posters. I really feel for you. It is a horrible situation. But honestly, decent people don't behave like this excuse for a man.

he's checked out, move on he isn't worth it.
Sounds like there could be someone else, needing space is a classic statement. He's finding out whether he is ready to become a parent, because he hasn't so far. You are practically a sp already.
Pack his stuff, tell him to come for it and he can have all the space he needs.
Then stay single ffs until you meet a good one, there are some out there. Maybe some counselling as to why you seem to have children with losers.

You deserve better.
Please allow your dad to help and support you.

Op. You are being far too hard on yourself and far too easy on him! This is a classic case of him being horrible to you because he feels guilty and knows he is being a crap partner and dad.

Block his number. Go and do something nice for yourself .

Borlotti has given you excellent advice. He needs to grow up and make provision for his child. Don't contact him again it will just give him an excuse to abuse you verbally.

If you have a joint bank account draw out some money and put in an account in just your name for emergencies. Make sure your salary if you go out to work, goes into your own bank account.

Maybe some counselling as to why you seem to have children with losers

Bit harsh Drabarni, maybe he hasn’t always acted in this way?

OP, I’m sorry you are in this position. You’ve enough on without pandering to this man child. Please look after yourself. Speak to your dad, you will need his support.

Please access some support for your MH, please understand that your mum would have wanted to stay, for you, for everyone me. But she was very unwell. You ARE good enough. Hugs for you.

He asked you to give him space so why didn’t you? Messaging him less than 24 hours later is desperate

Bullshit. You have very low standards if you think it’s acceptable for one parent to just fuck off with no notice and no regard for the mess they’ve left behind.

OP please tell your dad, it’s very presumptuous of me but it’s really common for those left behind after a suicide to wish the person had asked them for help. I bet you’d want him to ask you.

He's run out of excuses in the relationship not to do any work (you're on maternity, I'm more tired than you etc etc), so he needs to end it but doesn't want to look bad.

So he's trying really hard to start an argument and convince himself that he has no choice, and walking away from his new baby isn't unreasonable because you made him do it.

..ultimately he's just a lazy, selfish person. He's not interested in anyone but himself.

Coffee and OP

That last post did sound harsh, it wasn't supposed to. There is usually a reason why we allow shitheads like this to enter our lives, usually low self esteem. Counselling may help you find the reason, and so sorry about your mum
this was the post I should have written. Apologies.

I don't want to panic you, but when my ex left he drew out almost all money we had about £7k from joint bank account and £6 from our business account. I was left to deal with it all and devastated. I had to go to court and get him removed from business bank account. Try to get financial ducks in a row. Sorry you are hurting. It will pass.

Just think... you'll now actually get a break as he will have to have his son EOW. Time it so both children go to their Dad's at the same time

You didn't ruin anything. He did. I'm so sorry this has all.happened to you. it's so much to deal with in a short time.. wishing you all the very best for the future, it will all sort itself out and you will be fine again

He’s already saying he wants baby this night and this night

He's already saying
"I will control how often you and your son see me using the baby, If I fancy a night of you grovelling, apologising and waiting on me then you will oblige the baby gives me the perfect means to achieve this".

"I will decide if I can be bothered to have the baby as agreed whenever I feel like it and you will accommodate this without challenge else waah I will storm out waah, I will fuck with your head until you're in a heap of tears on the floor because you're a mess, a shit mum, a joke etc certainly not because of me
Who gives a shit about the impact this has on your son? Who gives a shit that I don't know how to look after your baby? Oh you do? So what"

OP these men follow a script.

Adults think BEFORE leaving the family home, he had thought about it, he decided to leave and he did, so his bizarre claim that you fucked it up is laughable. He is rewriting history. Don't let him.

I’d be texting him. “Wow I thought we could get through this maturely but your behaving like an infant and not the father of two children. Thank you for making me realise what a pathetic lazy and immature waste of space back. Your wish to be left alone is granted. I wouldn’t take your sorry pathetic ass back if you paid me. We are all so much better off without you”

I think he is used to you being a doormat at walking on egg shells around him. Tell him to get fucked. Don’t be suprised if he comes snivelling back. Just be sure to say no no still get fucked.

You are better than him.

Sorry some auto correct typos in there. Hope you get the picture though.

And its not help the bloody word is parenting - fed up with women saying they asked their partner for help, really pisses me off.

All the same OP, don't let him mess with your head, stay strong.