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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU? Partner left me

204 replies

northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:13

So basically I have a son, and me and now ex DP have an 8 month old
He’s been abit miserable with me recently and I could tell he wasn’t happy. Yesterday morning he said he’s done he isn’t happy and he packed his stuff and left, this has all hit me like a tonne of bricks.
When he left he text me saying just give him some space he needs to think and I didn’t reply

This morning at 9.45 I text him saying hope he’s okay and if he wants to come speak etc to let me know and that I hope we can work this out

He’s gone mental at me. Calling me all sorts of names, saying I’m a joke for asking him to try work it out when he said he wants space

Was I BU in texting ?
I thought I had done quite well only sending one text since he left- surely he should have contacted me to ask how the kids were etc,
He’s fully left me in the lurch now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve ruined it all

OP posts:
missperegrinespeculiar · 08/09/2019 10:41

he is not "helping" you when he parents his child, he has equal responsibility, it sounds like he is not carrying his weight

Beesandcheese · 08/09/2019 10:42

It's not you! He's lazy, entitled and that's on him.

MINItrawler · 08/09/2019 10:44

Of course it matters. Us on mumsnet only know what we are told from the original post.

That's how this works @squeakybike, unless you're going to text and ask for his side of the story, but if he's not wanting to hear from OP I doubt he'll want to talk to you either.

TheQuaffle · 08/09/2019 10:46

OP he is pathetic - blaming you saying your text is the reason it’s all ruined now is his way of putting the blame on you and making himself blameless. Pathetic.
You are better off without someone so spineless as your “partner”.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 08/09/2019 10:46

He engineered that argument over your text message deliberately. Anything you had said or done would have been wrong, to give him a 'reason' for it to be all your fault that he has chosen to end the relationship. He sounds awful even aside from this, though.

Original poster
northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:46

What the fuck don’t you understand from I want to be left alone? This is you all over *** play the woe is me card I just want to know what’s going on. Don’t you realise you make it worse? Couldn’t you have just listened to me and left me alone? I might have even considered coming back. But well done as usual you had to pressure me and fuck it up

OP posts:
saraclara · 08/09/2019 10:46

If one text was enough for him to go over the edge, there was never going to be a comfortable resolution to this, OP. So don't dwell on that aspect of it. Your text was not responsible for this. He just used it as an excuse.

31RueCambon75001 · 08/09/2019 10:46

Let him start taking her on his own OP.

Right now you're fighting reality and wanting to keep your family together and protect your daughter. BUT you have to think of how your life will pan out in the future. Imagine yourself five years from now, so over him you shudder and think what did I see in that bloke! Now, do you want to be in 7 nights a week with a five year old or do you want regular co-parenting established so that you can work late some nights, or go to gym, or go to cinema with your older child, or go out with friends. YOU will want a life too. You deserve to have the parenting responsibilities divided equally. So right now while he's claiming he wants to take DD, let him do it.

If he has changed a nappy or fed her even once before he can do it so let him get used to it.

squeakybike · 08/09/2019 10:47

No, you're right - from the update he certainly is not worth the loss at all. And he has no right demanding already what nights he wants the baby.

I was just trying to get a clearer picture on the situation from the original post.

dottiedodah · 08/09/2019 10:48

Firstly this absolutely NOT your fault FFS!.He seems to want everything his way!.You will be hurting and feeling upset, but he is being unreasonable .He sounds like he is unprepared for fatherhood 2nd time around!.He may be having an affair or want to !.Either way I dont think he is a great loss.

Original poster
northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:48

Just recieved this Sad I hate how he’s twisted this onto me. Im so sad. This is the original text I sent. Was I too much??

Morning sorry to text so early hope you are ok. I just wondered if you wanted to chat today.Obviously I’m not trying to pressure you I’m just thinking of minimal distruption to the kids, if you wanted more time I’d be happy to give it you, but I do think we could work on it with you coming home as giving each other space. Have a think and ring me later if you want x

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/09/2019 10:49

He's all talk. He's not interested in being a dad. He hasn't been a dad yet. He is definitely not going to want to take her over night and be solely responsible for all her feeding, changing, putting to bed, getting up etc.

Sounds like he will demand various things and then back out blaming you for not allowing him see her.

My brother in law is similar. Has no interest in the kids. Promises everything then never shows up, then blames his ex for not letting him see them.

They have to blame the mother. Because otherwise it would mean admitting they're a failure.

Mythreefavouritethings · 08/09/2019 10:49

The issue here isn’t your partner’s absence but how much responsibility you are taking for a grown man’s behaviour. Whether he comes back or not, please speak to someone about this, as it will set the path for future relationships. Your son seeing you accept this crap is potentially a lot worse than his having to deal with separated parents. If you have to get everything right in your partner’s eyes, he has a permanent excuse ready in case he wants to bugger off. Even if not ready yet, please don’t let your son think this is OK. It isn’t.

MINItrawler · 08/09/2019 10:49

If you hadn't text he'd have blown up at something else. You didn't text, you went out, you did X.

I'm sorry OP, but he's got his plan in his head and he'll twist everything you do to fit his narrative.

squeakybike · 08/09/2019 10:49

@MINItrawler for fuck sake, I was just trying to get the OP to elaborate a bit more on the situation. Not me demanding to know his side of the story.

Fucking hell, honestly.

Babysharkisanearworm · 08/09/2019 10:50

What should you say when he returns with your child later? Nothing.
Perform the handover in a detached manner as if this is normal. If he wants to talk, tell him you are not ready and you need time to get your thoughts together as it is still raw. Don't let him hold all the cards. Take control.
You did not let this happen. He has had a melt down so let him get on with it while you put all the practical things in place to protect you and the kids. Cry behind closed doors. He will be surprised by your indifference which should make him rethink his position in this.
He is expecting tears give him the opposite.

SpinneyHill · 08/09/2019 10:50

now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin

If he is so unstable that a normal text (which sounds far nicer than the texts lot of us would have sent in your shoes) has caused him this much 'distress' then you've had a lucky escape.

Get a grip woman! He had a night to himself and you sent him a text, real life isn't as convenient as "waah I want space, waaah I'm leaving, waah you sent me a text, waah it's all your fault, waah I'm so emotional right now waah" tell him to grow the fuck up

I would expect a bombshell though, the sudden ending of it and him becoming so ridiculous about a text sounds like 'You can't get angry with me for behaving like a bastard because I'm already furious with you about some shit I just made up'.

He's giving himself a green light to do what he wants or justifying what he's already done.
Brace yourself for it to get worse.

Melroses · 08/09/2019 10:53

I expect he is now wanting the baby overnight to reduce child support payments. I would sort out CMS now and sort out any access issues separately. He is clearly not ready for overnights if he has not done anything so far.

Original poster
northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:54

Sorry I’m not sure I made it clear in original post that my DS is from previous relationship so not same dad.
He is with his dad today so currently has no idea and won’t until he gets home later. I’m so angry with myself for letting him down. He looked upto DP so much

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 08/09/2019 10:55

With a bit of luck you're going to cringe when you remember that text in a few years. Don't beg him anymore, don't offer any more compromises he is treating you badly because he knows you'll put up with it.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/09/2019 10:55

Block his number for today. Give yourself some head space. You've had a shock and this is out of the blue. Maybe go out for the day and leave your phone at home. Avoid the temptation of ringing him.

There is definitely more going on than he is admitting. Very very typical reaction to deflect from himself and turn it around on you.

Go out today. Turn off your phone.

Wildorchidz · 08/09/2019 10:55

Hopefully your 4 year old will forget about him soon.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 08/09/2019 10:55

Eh, normally I wouldn't necessarily disagree with the affair comments, but I dont think that's what's going on here.
Before OP's update I already had an inkling (between the 8 month old, recent behaviour and "wanting space") that this was going to be a man who had decided family life was a bit too much like hard work.
And from OP's update, it sounds like the "underlying issue" which set the ball rolling was OP, who currently does all childcare, night waking, housework and meals as well as working, asking for some help - ie nagging, whinging and moaning, as unreasonable women with small children are wont to do.
What a cunt.

OP please, please don't blame yourself for any of this. He's behaving like a child, and even if he truly doesn't think there's any hope of fixing things, he owes you the courtesy of sitting down and discussing things properly. As a PP said, he's probably looking for something, no matter how small and pretty, that he can use to make you the bad guy, so that he's not the arsehole who walked away from his family because he couldn't be arsed.

AnyOldPrion · 08/09/2019 10:56

I let it happen

Please try not to think of it in those terms. You trusted him and he has let you down. You may have been unwise to trust him, but you are still not at fault.

He does sound abusive though. I recommend something like The Freedom Programme to help you recognise other abusive men in the earlier stages of a relationship.

That said, it’s a common pattern for abuse to begin when a child is born and the mother is irrevocably tied to the father.

Sorry north. It must hurt, but you are better off without him.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2019 10:56

Oh poor him, he walks away from his child for a bit of space and you dared to message him! What an entitled, arrogant pos. I know it's easy for us to say, not being in the situation but you should be telling him he can have all the space he wants and don't come back

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