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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU? Partner left me

204 replies

northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:13

So basically I have a son, and me and now ex DP have an 8 month old
He’s been abit miserable with me recently and I could tell he wasn’t happy. Yesterday morning he said he’s done he isn’t happy and he packed his stuff and left, this has all hit me like a tonne of bricks.
When he left he text me saying just give him some space he needs to think and I didn’t reply

This morning at 9.45 I text him saying hope he’s okay and if he wants to come speak etc to let me know and that I hope we can work this out

He’s gone mental at me. Calling me all sorts of names, saying I’m a joke for asking him to try work it out when he said he wants space

Was I BU in texting ?
I thought I had done quite well only sending one text since he left- surely he should have contacted me to ask how the kids were etc,
He’s fully left me in the lurch now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve ruined it all

OP posts:
user1471590586 · 08/09/2019 11:23

This isn't your fault OP, it's your useless ex that's at fault. Please, please tell your Dad.

Chamomileteaplease · 08/09/2019 11:24

OP if he gets this irate about doing his fair share with childcare and housework then there is nothing that you could have done and it was never going to work.

He can't hack the realities of having a baby. I am sorry he is being such a shit to you.

Do not let him look after your baby on his own until you are certain he knows what to do and can do so safely.

mehmehmehmeh · 08/09/2019 11:24

Oh op I'm so sorry

Your mum didn't commit suicide because she didn't love you enough. Someone who is feeling that depressed that they are contemplating suicide is often thinking that the people they love are better off without them.

Your dh didn't leave because he doesn't love you. He's just not wanting to do his share. He's lazy. He's also abusive. Someone who treats you like this is not someone you want in your life.

PookieDo · 08/09/2019 11:25

It sounds like he was managing better with his loss of freedom until things ‘got real’ and you went back to work. Instead of stepping up and becoming a father and partner he has run off back to his mums? He should be embarrassed of himself. You are the strong one even though you don’t feel like it right now

Loveislandaddict · 08/09/2019 11:25

The text was absolutely fine.

You haven’t done anything wrong.

Quartz2208 · 08/09/2019 11:25

Oh op you clearly need some counselling over your mum.

It sounds like the problem is that you actually asked for him to consider you and he simply doesn’t want to. It’s either another woman or a power tactic designed so that when he comes back you are so relieved you do everything and stop asking him.

You will not be weak to tell your dad

SpinneyHill · 08/09/2019 11:29

saying I’m a joke for asking him to try
I feel like I’m not enough for my children on my own
He’s be so disappointed if he knew how down I’d got

OP we can all see how low your self esteem is, Did your mums death affect your confidence? Have you always had such a low opinion of yourself? When do you come first?

This is heartbreaking to read.

expatinspain · 08/09/2019 11:29

Get some support and give the prick all the space he needs, and then some. Don't take him back. Don't grovel and try to appease him, or you'll be putting up with this forever. You'll never be able to voice your opinion or have a row without him emotionally blackmailing you and putting the blame on you for everything. Get angry and be strong. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve someone to just walk out on a whim and refuse to talk to you until they feel like it and blame you for everything. Fuck that! He's being cruel. People break up, but they don't have to treat their partner like shit in the process and cut them off and give them no closure. Space is something someone can demand when their partner has hurt them or done something bad. You haven't done anything at all. He's just acting like a childish prick. Don't accept it.

TheRebelAlliance · 08/09/2019 11:32

He was probably in bed with another woman when the text came through

Sounds like he is trying to make you feel guilty which suggests that he is hiding something.

Change the locks today
CSA claim tomorrow
Any benefit claim if eligible
Pack up his stuff and drop off with family.

Belfield · 08/09/2019 11:32

You seem to have low self esteem. I would be concerned that he hasn’t left you but rather is playing a game to let you know that if you don’t do 100% of the work without any complaints he will be gone. I wouldn’t be surprised if he said he would come back if you stopped complaining and putting pressure on him.

Original poster
northeatswest · 08/09/2019 11:33

Does everyone really think there’s another woman? That thought didn’t even cross my mind ? What makes other people think it because I’m worrying now

OP posts:
TheRebelAlliance · 08/09/2019 11:36

Does everyone really think there’s another woman? That thought didn’t even cross my mind ? What makes other people think it because I’m worrying now

So where is he staying?

Yes I do. He is trying to put the blame for the split onto the text that you sent which is ridiculous. That suggests to me that he has something that he is trying to hide. By making it your fault he then clears himself of blame in his mind. I only did it because she drove me to it.

AnyOldPrion · 08/09/2019 11:38

I’ll reiterate what a previous poster asked.

Would you walk away, leave your child with him and demand he doesn’t contact you?

Would you get all stroppy if he sent you a gentle text asking you to talk when you felt ready?

You have lost perspective and no wonder, given your difficult situation.

Seek what help you can. There will be people who can, even if they are strangers to you at the moment.

You have two lovely children. You can do this on your own. You are enough for them, but you may need support yourself.

PookieDo · 08/09/2019 11:39

The reason I thought it is because it is common to rewrite and twist things when people are trying to exit a relationship very quickly, almost like ‘where is the fire?’ You have said he was already not happy and seems to have been thinking it for a while perhaps, so it’s not 100% that anyone can know he’s met someone else.

Usually when normal people are unhappy they at least try to work something out, make the effort. normal people realise the world does not revolve around them

a. He’s met someone or
b. He’s trying to manipulate you into asking less of him. So it’s abusive to leave you suddenly (your worst fear) and perhaps he is planning on returning hoping you will be so grateful that you will stop nagging him

GabsAlot · 08/09/2019 11:39

I think you need some couselling op yuve been through alot and grief isa major thing-depressionisnt about loving anyone enough its not your fault your dm was ill

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/09/2019 11:39

It doesn’t really matter either way if there’s another woman or not.

Tomorrow you ring the council tax to declare yourself a single occupancy, you put a claim in to csa & you ring tax credits to see if your entitled to any help now.

He sounds a dead loss.

Wherearemycrayons · 08/09/2019 11:39

OP, I couldn’t read this and not write anything, because I was you 8 years ago.
Honestly my ex could have written that text, he is emotionally abusive, and I couldn’t see it either, I was adamant it was me, all me!
Everyone around me could see it, and I only saw it after I met my DH, he treats me how a woman is supposed to be treated.
Your DP is NOT a man, he’s a massive child and he wants a mother not a partner by the sounds of it.
Your text that you send was extremely tame compared to what I would send now, but back in that abusive relationship I would have sent the same, because you’re scared to upset them and scared that you’ll do something wrong because you’re so desperate to feel loved and feel wanted and looked after.
I am so sorry to hear about your mum, but she didn’t leave you, she’s still there with you, she just couldn’t fight the demons in her head and that has NOTHING to do with you or not wanting to be around you.
You need counselling for this, you have serious low self esteem but let me tell you something, this man is not someone you can rely on, he will never look after you in the way that you want or need, and you definitely don’t want either of your sons to grow up with him as a role model.
You can do this, you just need to find the anger, I’m adamant there’s another woman, my ex cheated on me and I knew who with but he just wouldn’t admit it, eventually I found out from the girls cousin. But he’d emotionally fucked me up that much that I thought it was my fault.
Please don’t be like me, please find the strength to deal with this, you don’t need him back... there will just be things like ‘well if you don’t do this I think I’ll just need some space again’
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS MAN

SpinneyHill · 08/09/2019 11:41

The sudden leaving and the theatrics about your text is why people are thinking it. But tbh he could just as easy be feeling like a victim because you asked him to help out and this little interlude could be your punishment....you big meanie!

Plus he doesn't have a shred of respect for you so he's got no reason not to cheat,abuse and generally take the ever loving piss out of you.

ChristmasFluff · 08/09/2019 11:41

OP, people who are suicidal truly believe that they are doing it for the good of everyone. They believe their loved ones will be better off without them. Her suicide was not a reflection of lack of love for you.

I echo the others - he's an absolute shit and you life will be so much easier without him.

He's probably only asking for all these days with his child to upset you, which is the same reason he blew up about the text. He doesn't want to see his child, he wants to control you. Let him have her as often as he likes, to give you a break. See how long it lasts.

I give him a month before he stops her visits - and I'm being generous.

PookieDo · 08/09/2019 11:41

Agree he could just be trying to punish you

Either way it’s horriblr

Wherearemycrayons · 08/09/2019 11:44

Sorry - I read the posts wrong and I’ve realised you have one DS and one DD, but regardless, you don’t want your DS looking up to this man and you definitely don’t want your DD to thing this sort of relationship is normal, do it for your kids, he’s done you a massive favour

ODFOx · 08/09/2019 11:44

You are right about one thing OP. he doesn't want to look after you.
He wants his clothes cleaned and his dinner cooked and his cherubic child brought out for him to coo over for 30 minutes each evening with absolutely zero effort from him and no signs from you that its hard work or you could do with a hand.
And as for sending him a mildly worded text 'pressuring him' to keep thing on an even keel for the DC, well how unreasonable of you. It's YOUR job to do that; to ensure the physical and mental wellbeing of everyone in the household. He's there to be a manly presence and provide sperm.
He's not a partner, he's a BOYfriend who's been living in the same house.

So what to do? Carry on carrying on. Do what you've been doing, released from the pressure of an extra person to cater for and consider in your planning.

Today you are understandably heartsore. You'll find your anger soon enough but in the interim, make no decisions and make no changes, just take each day as it comes. You can do this. You are already doing it. Much love to you OP. Flowers

thethoughtfox · 08/09/2019 11:45

This is a manipulative trick: telling you texting him was the last straw so you blame yourself instead of him. You have a child, of course he needs to stay in contact. An adult in a relationship with a shared home and child cannot just walk away with no further contact about this. If this split is permanent, there is a lot of untangling of lives and finances to sort out.

Span1elsRock · 08/09/2019 11:45

Very few men leave a comfortable set up unless someone is luring them away....... then they play the "I am so unhappy" record and blame you for it to clear their conscience.

He's met someone at work, lovely, and is clearing the way.

Don't take one part of his bullshit. He's a parent and what you need to be asking is when he will be taking his 50% share of the load. Not begging him to stay.

In the nicest way, you need to harden up now. This is on him, not you, and don't you even dare to shoulder 1% of the blame. I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers

INeedAFlerken · 08/09/2019 11:46

He was looking for a way to make the split your fault.

It isn't. It's entirely on him. He wanted out and was too cowardly to say so like a mature person.

Sorry, OP. But it sounds like you're better off without such a selfish twat in your life.

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