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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU? Partner left me

204 replies

northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:13

So basically I have a son, and me and now ex DP have an 8 month old
He’s been abit miserable with me recently and I could tell he wasn’t happy. Yesterday morning he said he’s done he isn’t happy and he packed his stuff and left, this has all hit me like a tonne of bricks.
When he left he text me saying just give him some space he needs to think and I didn’t reply

This morning at 9.45 I text him saying hope he’s okay and if he wants to come speak etc to let me know and that I hope we can work this out

He’s gone mental at me. Calling me all sorts of names, saying I’m a joke for asking him to try work it out when he said he wants space

Was I BU in texting ?
I thought I had done quite well only sending one text since he left- surely he should have contacted me to ask how the kids were etc,
He’s fully left me in the lurch now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve ruined it all

OP posts:
ralphfromlordoftheflies · 08/09/2019 10:56

It makes me angry that your message to him is so wheedling and apologetic, whilst he seems to have license to speak to you outrageously and with no respect. Don't you feel angry with him?

pinkyredrose · 08/09/2019 10:57

He's a complete tosser. Get rid.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 08/09/2019 10:58

What a dick. Sorry, OP. I know he's your partner, but more importantly he's parent of your child, and can't just fuck off when he feels like it and insist you're not allowed to text him or it's 'pressuring' him. I agree that it sounds like you'll be well rid of him, though I appreciate it may not feel this way right now. Flowers

Original poster
northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:59

I’m not angry no. I’m sad.
I’m so annoyed with myself for letting my family break down. I feel like I’m not enough for my children on my own. I don’t want to do everything alone I don’t want to split Christmas I don’t want to do any f this

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 08/09/2019 10:59

Sounds like a wanker-doesnt help with the baby shouts at you for no reason-diddums wants space let him go

Pinkypurple35 · 08/09/2019 10:59

Your text was fine, very restrained actually - given he had just walked out.
I agree with PP’s, he’s deflecting something else onto you.

spanglydangly · 08/09/2019 10:59

He is not father material at all, you're better off rid!!

messolini9 · 08/09/2019 11:00

He’s fully left me in the lurch now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve ruined it all

How convenient for him to have a partner who accepts blame for his actions.

You are not at fault - he left, he is a giant manbaby who cannot even accept responsibility for communicating with his partner & mother of his child.

Ex DP has never even got up with her or made her a meal. Hes never even taken her out on his own.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship OP?
Sounds like you're better off without him, his blame-laying & his total lack of parenting.

& btw - you didn't "let this happen". He MADE it happen. All by his little self. Please look into what benefits & other support you may be able to access, & let Manbaby go his own useless way.

GabsAlot · 08/09/2019 11:00

Why do yu keep blaming yourself what do you think youve done

ScrimshawTheSecond · 08/09/2019 11:00

Also: manipulative, gaslighting. The reason you feel responsible is because he's managed to make you feel guilty for his bad behaviour. It's 'now look what you've made me do'. It's not a healthy way to act in a relationship.

Babysharkisanearworm · 08/09/2019 11:00

When your son gets back from his Dads, just carry on as usual. Don't make a thing of him not being there. He probably won't notice. If asked, just tell him he is away. No expanding until things are clearer.
Your partner's tantrum text, apportioning blame is ridiculous.
When your son was 2 and you cut his sandwiches into four, did you cow tow to the resulting tantrum about wanting five pieces? Did you stop walking because the pavement was too grey? No. Your child did not know what he wanted but it was your fault anyway. See the comparison? You can't argue with irrational but you can be calm and rational.

HoomanMoomin · 08/09/2019 11:00

I bet in a couple of weeks he’ll say that he’s met someone. That’s how you’ll know that he was cheating.
It’s not your fault, he doesn’t get to blame it on you. He was the one who left.
I also wouldn’t allow him to have DD if he’s not hands on parent. I couldn’t trust him not to fuck it up.

Cornettoninja · 08/09/2019 11:01

Do you know something, sometimes people treat us badly because they don’t know how else to deal with the guilt from hurting us. This isn’t on you, this is all on him.

Fuck him. Pressure from being asked to be accountable for his actions as an adult? Pressure form having to behave like a responsible father and partner. Good god the man is a complete fuckwit; clearly he hasn’t even got the capability for self reflection so has decided that you are the cause of everything he feels shitty about.

I hope you gather the strength to move on with your dc but if you do decide to indulge this chancer again you really need to be aware of his MO and I would be looking to redress the balance of emotional power.

urkidding · 08/09/2019 11:01

Text him and tell him clearly, this is the help I expect from you:

  1. Get older child up and dress him,. Etc.
Make a list. Dropping hints doesn't penetrate the male brain. And then say, if he wants to leave, you'll apply for divorce and maintenance two days from now. This should stop the posing.
FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/09/2019 11:02

Good riddance to him. You might not see it right now, but the way he speaks to you, the way you're adapting your behaviour to suit him, the way you're blaming yourself for his awful behaviour, all of it points to emotional abuse. He is a piece of shit.

Your 4 year old will cope; don't fill his head with "x might do this", just be open and honest and say "x has decided to move out and that might feel sad but Mummy is always going to be here" and repeat. Don't make promises like "x still loves you" or "x might come home".

And if your Ex does want to come back, and if you're ever going to contemplate it, first please make sure that he knows he can't waltz in and out of a child's life wether he's the father or not. You don't get to play those games when children are involved, and he needs to know your children are your main priority, not salvaging anything with him.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2019 11:02

You need to start working on yourself away from this guy op, you need to believe you are enough for you children, you sound totally broken down and if that's how your partner speaks to you I can see how you got there . You're worth more than that

Wildorchidz · 08/09/2019 11:03

The 4 year old is not his child.

DishingOutDone · 08/09/2019 11:03

He's really done a number on you OP if you are saying you "let this happen". Thats a ridiculous way to think - the text you have showed us that he sent - that's a man child, an abusive selfish 13 year old style text - how old are you both?

What's your housing situation and have you any family that can support you? I'm really worried about you because it sounds like you'd take him back at the drop of a hat.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/09/2019 11:04

It makes me angry that your message to him is so wheedling and apologetic,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your message to him. The fault is all with him. If you had gone on all guns blazing this morning you'd be accused of in foaming a situation where a conversation might have cleared the air.

You have done nothing wrong. And you are not "wheedling and apologetic". You are a woman who was attempting to open up a conversation with your partner. You don't need anonymous posters here taking a dig and making you feel worse about yourself. This is nobody else's life. This is yours. You will make the decisions that are right for you, whether others agree with them or not.

This is so raw. It is literally happening NOW. There is no right or wrong reaction right now.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 08/09/2019 11:04

He's really done a number on you, hasn't he? You completely dance to his tune and he knows it. Which means he is able to treat you however the fuck he wants. It's like a little boy pulling legs off an insect.

dowehaveastalker · 08/09/2019 11:04

What a fucking loser. Walking out on your child - needing space?! He’s a child. I would ask him to come get him things, and start determining how much money he has to give you for the baby. You’re better off without sone this childish - you’ll never know when he might flip and you don’t need to live like that.

DishingOutDone · 08/09/2019 11:05

I’m not angry no. I’m sad - then get angry. Get angry at the way he has been treating you, and that he has pulled this stunt now.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 08/09/2019 11:05

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

I was not trying to get a dig in! Of course the relationship ending is absolutely not her fault, but what I am worried about is the way that OP seems to be so subservient to her partner. She needs to know that his behaviour is not ok.

Ponoka7 · 08/09/2019 11:07

" I feel like I’m not enough for my children on my own. I don’t want to do everything alone"

But you were doing it on your own, even when he was with you.

You are enough for them. He's gone and you've picked up the slack.

The worst thing that you could do is to take him back and still do everything.

He doesn't want what family life brings. He doesn't want to be a equal parent.

I've seen it time and time again.

Is he genuinely busy at work, or could there be someone else?

Original poster
northeatswest · 08/09/2019 11:07

I’m 27 and he’s 28.
We private rent. I’ve no one to ask for help.
My dad is my only family member. He’s so strong and I couldn’t let him see how weak I am.
My dad is everything to me I admire him and his strength. He’s be so disappointed if he knew how down I’d got.
My mum committed suicide when I was pregnant.
No family, few close friends. DP family never bothered. His mum has met baby a handful of times. Never helped.
I’m so alone and

OP posts:
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