Was I BU? Partner left me

[northeatswest]

So basically I have a son, and me and now ex DP have an 8 month old
He’s been abit miserable with me recently and I could tell he wasn’t happy. Yesterday morning he said he’s done he isn’t happy and he packed his stuff and left, this has all hit me like a tonne of bricks.
When he left he text me saying just give him some space he needs to think and I didn’t reply

This morning at 9.45 I text him saying hope he’s okay and if he wants to come speak etc to let me know and that I hope we can work this out

He’s gone mental at me. Calling me all sorts of names, saying I’m a joke for asking him to try work it out when he said he wants space

Was I BU in texting ?
I thought I had done quite well only sending one text since he left- surely he should have contacted me to ask how the kids were etc,
He’s fully left me in the lurch now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve ruined it all

Please go to your dad.

Think about your 2 children: In 20 years time if either of them were in a similar situation would you like them to come to you, or would you think they should sort through the mess alone?

I think your dad would be very disappointed if he knew you felt too ashamed to reach out to him. He's your dad and from the sounds of it loves you very much.

You did NOT let it happen. All the blame is on your partner he has not been respectful towards his family. No help. No thought of you or the children.
Go to your dad for help, advice and support. Then tomorrow get as much information you can on claiming maintenance.

Jesus OP I missed some of your updates. NONE of this is your fault. Your mothers issues were not your fault.

You have had a shock but have become very reliant on your ex dp to validate your self worth.

You are raising to children and have been doing this as a solo parent for a long time. You have a job and based on the way you were speaking to your ex very considerate of others feelings. I bet there are a lot more things going for you than this. I hope one day you will see it too.

The pain of a break up does pass. Forget if there is another woman or not. She’s welcome to the lazy idiot. You deserve better.

I'm terribly sorry this has happened OP but the first thing you must learn is what every poster is telling you: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. That lies with the lazy scumbag who has left you in shock.

I know all you feel is sadness right now but you will move on to being very angry and will need that to do what is right for you and your children. If this arsehole comes crawling back I hope you will tell him to fuck off and kick him out because he doesn't deserve you.

When you feel ready, please re-read Nousernameforme's post - she has listed everything you need to do to live a better life.

Wishing you strength to get through this

PS you may want to ask MNHQ to move your post to Relationships Board - lots of people on there have been through similar and can help and guide you

I suspect he’d been used to you doing everything for your son and him just getting to join in with the fun parts that he thought the same would occur when you had a child together.

Him lashing out could be anything but is highly likely down to guilt. Whether he’s cheating or whatever is irrelevant - you’re better off without as he wasn’t much help anyway, likely a hindrance.

If he can walk out on the family that’s easily and not care of the upset it causes the kids then he’s not worth it. I say that as someone who has just gone through my partner walking out on our 3 week old and my child from a previous relationship who he said he classed as his own.

OP - Big hugs 💗 You are not at fault in the slightest and the fact that he has done this to you and your children at such a vulnerable time says a lot more about him and his integrity, than it does about yours. Despite what you are going through trying to deal with the loss of your mum and coping with 2 children after a stressful pregnancy, you are still thinking you did something wrong. You haven’t. You’ve done all you can and the fact you didn’t see this coming means that you couldn’t have done any more than you are. There is only so much you can take and I know you are sad about it now, but please dig deep when you are able, and drag that strength you clearly have within, to the surface, and rise above it. Whatever reason he has done this, it’s clearly all his problem. Don’t even buy into it. His problems are not yours if he won’t share them and indeed doesn’t want to. I am glad your DC’s have you. Because right now, you are exactly what they need. I’ve said this before on another post but I doubt you’ve seen it, so I’ll say it again - my dearest friend has a phrase she uses for people that show what they truly are in a negative way. She says ‘he’s shown his arse!’ Never a truer word spoken! 😉

Please, please ask your dad for help. Would you be there for your children, no matter what? Of course...it’s no different for your dad. You may be an adult but you’ll always be his child and being able to help you, may also help him know that he’s useful and wanted too.

Above all, please understand as many have said before me, THIS IS NOT YOUR ‘FAULT’. Your ExP is clearly childish and manipulative. Don’t feed it, just do what’s best right now for you and your children. We are all rooting for you here. 💗

He sounds like an utter prick. What kind of bastard leaves someone with an 8 month old baby and uses a lack of intimacy as an excuse? Men have absolutely no idea how much looking after a baby affects women.

Any grown adult who storms out of the house rather than has an adult conversation to try and address the problem doesn’t deserve to be let back in.

He needs to grown up and apologise for leaving you in the lurch.

Normally I try and be really impartial and fair on these threads. But your DP is cruel and abusive. You lost you dm not long ago in awful circumstances. You have a baby. And you just returned to work. This man is awful. And your father will be proud of you for not putting up with this crap. Go see your father. If he's half the man you say he is he will be furious on your behalf. Do not message your dp other than to say "You are right. It is over. I will be meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to go overy custody and child support payments." NONE of this is your fault. He is being horrific. You are better on your own. Do not blame yourself of this. Not your mother's suicide, not this piece of crap partner, none of it. Take care of yourself and your beautiful kids.

Oh sweetheart he's an utter cunt.

You may think you can't do it alone or don't want to but you are already! And being alone is better than being with someone who's mean.

We're here for you, also, get yourself to counselling as soon as you can.

Be kind to yourself, you sound like a great Mum and a lovely person. He doesn't deserve you, he's a piece of shit.

My Father was extremely proud of how 'strong' I was. He used to tell me all the time.

Then after a chain of terrible events I tried to commit suicide. Partly because I felt I had to continue to be strong as it made my Dad so proud.

I realised that my Dad is still proud of me. I bet yours will be too. Talk to him. There is absolutely NO shame in feeling down, needing help, not being strong.

Sorry for disappearing. I just wanted everyone to know I’ve read everything everyone has said and I’m so grateful.
I just feel lost. My dads on holiday for another 9 nights- so I will speak to him but I can’t till after this. He deserves this holiday.
I can’t take time off work I only returned 2 weeks ago- and I can’t afford to.
I just feel like such a failure. Wanting to be loved is such a horrible feeling. I was so sad when my mum passed. I was broken. And then DD was born and it quickly turned to anger. Because I looked at my daughter and I could never do that to her. How bad is that that I felt anger towards my own mother
I didn’t visit her grave for months
I still feel bitter
I went to the GP earlier in the year, broke down and cried and told them I didn’t want to be here. They gave me a number for Samaritans and put me on a waiting list for counselling. The waiting list is 9 months.
I just don’t understand why me and my children don’t come first to anyone

I'm sure you come first to your Dad.

You do come first to your children and they are first for you. You are enough. Other people don't need to validate you as a person. You may wish to be loved but you don't need it to live a happy life.
You are sad and tired but you won't feel like this forever if you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
It is really early days and you still in shock but you need to change your mind set. For your kids you are everything.

How bad is that that I felt anger towards my own mother

Not bad at all. Your DM must have been in a terrible place but that doesn't alter the fact that taking her own life was a dreadful thing to do to you and your dad. It must have overshadowed your joy in your pregnancy. You must look at your beautiful children and wonder why they weren't enough for your DM to think life was worth living.

Please bear in mind that, strange as it may seem, she may have thought that she was doing the best thing for you, your dad, and your children when she took her life. Obviously, I don't know her history or circumstances, but I have suffered depression myself and been very close to that blackness. You really do feel that every day you are alive is dragging your loved ones further into the abyss with you. Logical thought goes out of the window. It's horrible. All you can think is "They will be better off without me."

But your anger, your despair, your pain are all honest and understandable responses to her death. Don't cut your dad out - he needs to be of use to you just as much as you need his help. He loves you, your DS loves your - and your DD will love you as soon as she knows who you are . But at the moment she needs you- they all need you.

Your partner is a twat. I don't know whether he's got himself another woman or not, but any man who abandons his family like this, is a twat. You are worth so much more that this, my dear. You really are.

northeast I posted at the beginning of this thread earlier this morning and hadn't by then read the updates about your Mum, for which I'm very sorry, or about the fact that your partner had never parented his child with you.

I didn't say earlier, but want to share with you now so you know how I really understand what you're going through and how you're feeling- my partner did this to me almost 10 years ago.

He didn't come home from work on evening and didn't contact me for 2 weeks saying he needed space and time to figure out what he wanted.

He'd walked out on his 10 month old daughter and 8 year old stepson.

I was absolutely devastated. I can still remember now how detached from reality I felt. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare.

I had severe post natal depression after a traumatic birth and with this added on top I felt like I was suffocating in a thick, grey fog.

I had panic attacks and became extremely ill.

My ex sounds like yours- he blamed everything on me, he told me I was a crap parent, he said part of the reason he left was because I didn't get up quickly enough in the night when our daughter was crying and it kept him awake (I'd had an emergency caesarean and infection in the wound)

He didn't do any parenting alone and also didn't pay any maintenance for months after he'd gone.

He was a complete Mummy's boy, couldn't/wouldn't cook, would rather play computer games than change his daughter's nappy or do anything to make my life easier considering I'd had a c- section.

My disabled 8 year old was more of a help to me than this man child was and it was he who would crawl across the floor to fetch me nappies so I didn't have to move around too much- all this whilst my useless ex sat playing games, oblivious.

I'm ashamed to admit that I begged this ridiculous man child to return. I, like you, listened to the blame and criticism he heaped upon me and took it to heart,

Now, I see my ex for what he is. A pathetic man child and a hopeless father.

He will never grow up and will never be a decent human being.

Some men just feel they can opt out of family life and walk away.

You can parent on your own.

I became so much stronger as a person and spent years as a single mum- and you know what!? I loved it! There are a hell of a lot of positives to it. I felt free and I forced myself to try different things and have new experiences and make new friends.

You are strong and you can be strong for your children- you have no choice but to be- they need you. Take comfort from them- you are number one to them and the most important person in their whole life.

Please seek support from your GP- I know you have been already, but your situation has changed now. Also see if he can signpost you to other support networks which may be able to provide advice and support.

Please seek help from your father also. You need family support at this difficult time. Take care of yourself and look after yourself.

OP, what a heartbreaking and difficult time you've had. Anger is completely understandable - bereavement and grief often makes people angry, let alone losing a mother as you did, when you did. I really feel for you.

Will you be able to see a counsellor soon?

@Borlotti what a lovely post, you sound amazing

I just don’t understand why me and my children don’t come first to anyone

You put your children first. They are loved, they are fine.

Put YOURSELF first now, well, before any man anyway. You don't need him, he does sweet fuck all.

You feed them, clothe them, get the m to nursery, work full time. While he.. what? Goes to work then sits on his arse while you sort everything?

He's losing more than you are. Look up codependency and the freedom programme. You don't have no family, you have your dad and your two lovely children. You can make some friends in time, once you've recovered from this shitty relationship.

Good luck.

@Borlotti
I’m in tears reading your post. Thankyou xxx

northeats I hope you can find some comfort from reading it and I hope you can see that it is possible to come out the other side feeling stronger and better than ever before.

I have been in tears reading your posts. I'm so, so sorry that your pathetic partner has treated you so callously and cruelly at a time when you've needed his support more than ever.

You are strong though. You've coped through a dreadful bereavement and have been looking after two young children alone with no support.

You've got this, you really have.

Whenever you feel like shit and things are getting on top of you, just look into the eyes of your beautiful children and know you can be strong for them.

Much love to you, I really do wish you well.

Mindatwork, thank you

Good grief OP, of COURSE it’s ok to be angry at your mum. I’d be bloody furious. Anger (and by that i mean white hot rage) is a normal reaction to even a ‘normal‘ bereavement. Let alone a tragically awful one like yours.

Your feelings are your feelings, and that’s ok.

(And fwiw I lost a parent to an undetectable sudden illness, no ones fault, just one of those things and I still went through long stages of pure rage)

Am only echoing PP but couldn’t read and run. None of this is you, he’s a complete arsehole.

Your children are lucky they have you to put them first - it sounds like he would never put DD first, he’s the complete failure as a parent. Make sure he knows it too - he should be thanking his lucky stars if YOU decide to give him a second chance, after this, not the other way around. You want somebody to support you and add to your family, not to drain energy and love that could be going to your DC.

Keep yourself occupied, if your dad isn’t around for a while, are there any friends you can invite over? Or even just stay on here and talk to us strangers.

Please talk to your dad though too, I’m sure he would want you to.

Cherchez la femme!

I reckon he hit the roof over the text as he's painted you to her as a vicious bitch who made his life miserable OR he's even convinced her he's not in a ltr/got kids!

Don't give him a second thought, concentrate on you and the kids an what you need to sort out practically.

"he has a new job which is keeping him abit busier" as in "longer hours"?

You don't deserve this you've done NOTHING wrong here he's being an arse!!

Go to Drs tomorrow you need help and support urgently. NO messing about procrastinating on that please!

OP I have no gone through half of what you have but I did get rid of a burden of an idiot unhelpful, critical abusive man

I now have 17 and 15yo DD’s and I have managed it, despite him telling me I was a terrible mother, I have done a bloody good job of it by myself to be honest. As will you. The bond you have with your children will keep you going