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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I BU? Partner left me

204 replies

northeatswest · 08/09/2019 10:13

So basically I have a son, and me and now ex DP have an 8 month old
He’s been abit miserable with me recently and I could tell he wasn’t happy. Yesterday morning he said he’s done he isn’t happy and he packed his stuff and left, this has all hit me like a tonne of bricks.
When he left he text me saying just give him some space he needs to think and I didn’t reply

This morning at 9.45 I text him saying hope he’s okay and if he wants to come speak etc to let me know and that I hope we can work this out

He’s gone mental at me. Calling me all sorts of names, saying I’m a joke for asking him to try work it out when he said he wants space

Was I BU in texting ?
I thought I had done quite well only sending one text since he left- surely he should have contacted me to ask how the kids were etc,
He’s fully left me in the lurch now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve ruined it all

OP posts:

AnyOldPrion · 08/09/2019 11:07

I feel like I’m not enough for my children on my own

Of course you are enough. You’ve been doing everything yourself.

From what you’ve said, the only thing this man has been contributing is an appalling role model for your son, who will have been learning to treat women like shit when he grows up.

It hurts. Of course it does. But you have to stop blaming yourself. Whenever those thoughts creep in, stop yourself and remember you are not at fault. Would you judge a friend who was in your position harshly? Or would you offer sympathy and think her partner was an arse?

If you wouldn’t judge a friend, then find your self-respect (he’s worked hard to take it away, but it will be there somewhere) and stop beating yourself up.

mehmehmehmeh · 08/09/2019 11:08

Ack op. You've done nothing wrong. He's been unhappy lately because he's been asked to do his share and he doesn't want to. Now he's doing his best to blame you for the relationship ending so he can say it's all been your fault, rather than he's a useless shit. Don't let him fuck with your head.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/09/2019 11:08

I think in her situation many people would first try to smooth things over, see can it be figured out. The anger will come. But now is not the time for that. Now she is trying to figure out of this can be fixed.

Totally normal reaction.

SpinneyHill · 08/09/2019 11:10

Couldn’t you have just listened to me and left me alone? I might have even considered coming back. But well done as usual you had to pressure me and fuck it up

Read this over and over again. You know every word is BULLSHIT, you know that this a manipulative abusive text with the intention of making you feel so bad that when he fancies swanning home again you act grateful.
"Well done as usual" - this speaks volumes how often does he accuse you of causing all his problems?

He fucked it up
He is supposed to pay as much attention to your needs and wants as he is expecting you to pay to his
He doesn't acknowledge any problems between you despite having walked out
He doesn't acknowledge that your hurting
He is abusive

YANBU You are in an abusive relationship and he's got you wondering if it's your fault that he's abusive.

Hecateh · 08/09/2019 11:10

You will have an easier life with one less child to look after. Especially as the 'child' you no longer have to look after is a big entitled twat.

I guess before baby you did everything and didn't expect any support in looking after your older child as he wasn't the father. He wanted everything to go on exactly as before, whilst also being the 'big man' having proven his manhood by donating sperm. e isn't mature enough to do 'adulting'.

You really are better off without him but I suspect he will be back and you will let him and try even harder to look after his every need, and every now and then, with ever reducing goodtimes between, he will repeat the behaviour until eventually you are so broken you won't argue with anything he says.
OR you will come to your senses and leave.

It will repeat until you stop it.

squeakybike · 08/09/2019 11:11

Fuck, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. ❤️

Given everything that's happened for you recently, it certainly makes his behaviour even more disgusting.

You need to get angry and stay angry. I wouldn't even respond to him if he contacts you about seeing the baby.

He's fucked up big time.

PookieDo · 08/09/2019 11:11

I read the OP and thought straight away he has met someone, which is why it’s so irrational and fast. He really is making sure there is no way back for you by being such an arsehole.

You do have to stand strong now though, agree that it’s ok to be sad and totally normal but you cannot allow him to behave like this and walk all over you. You were not wrong to send the text it was a kind text, but he has made his bed so he must lie in it. He’s refused your nice offer to chat so he doesn’t get that offer made again, does that make sense? You have been doing this alone anyway, you will find it is actually easier without a resentful idiot in tow

BonneMa · 08/09/2019 11:11

sorry OP, you must be in shock.

But by the sound of it, you had a lucky escape.

Agree with PP, there is probably an OW.

Also that he blames you the way he does where there is nothing to blame you for rings alarm bells.

Get the claim for child maintenance sorted.

Do you have other support in the meantime? friends, family?

katewhinesalot · 08/09/2019 11:12

You haven't let it happen. It's happened to you by the actions of someone else.

OP he is pathetic - blaming you saying your text is the reason it’s all ruined now is his way of putting the blame on you and making himself blameless.

Don't roll over and take even more crap.

Tell him to stay away. Make him work for it if he wants you back. And if you do take him back, make sure he pulls his weight.

BonneMa · 08/09/2019 11:13

sorry missed the update about your family. can you not speak to your dad?

WeirdAndPissedOff · 08/09/2019 11:13

OP - I will add, IF he does decide to come back, don't feel pushed into any unreasonable concessions. If pulling his weight means he wants out of the relationship, he's not worth fighting to keep, DC or no DC.

PookieDo · 08/09/2019 11:13

Couldn’t you have just listened to me and left me alone? I might have even considered coming back. But well done as usual you had to pressure me and fuck it up

Agree this is nasty and manipulative

AnyOldPrion · 08/09/2019 11:15

Is there someone you can talk to OP? I spoke to a wonderful woman in my local crisis centre/shelter. I felt stupid, but she was incredibly reassuring, telling me his behaviour was not healthy.

Original poster

northeatswest · 08/09/2019 11:15

I really don’t think theres another woman. He goes to work and comes home. Has lunch at home etc, isn’t secretive with his phone or anything. Doesn’t go out much.
I just think he’s decided he doesn’t love me

OP posts:

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 08/09/2019 11:16

I think it is more important to work on your own self esteem than worry about what you ex is up to.

Sort out access and maintaince as although he has physically walked away he still has a duty to his child.
Then seriously start to work of yourself. I am sure you are more than enough for your children and are strong and capable enough to cope without a man who has shown he is not committed to you and your family.

Lilymossflower · 08/09/2019 11:16

He is an asshole.

Keep contact as low as possible.

He will probably try to use the kids to control you

Get legal advice re child contact as he dousnt sound capable of having the child overnight.

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2019 11:16

My mum committed suicide when I was pregnant

Very sorry, OP. Do you not think this makes his behaviour even worse? He should be supportive of you.

And, unless he’s going to be hostile or hurtful, you should tell your dad. Wouldn’t you want your adult kids to tell you when something’s wrong?

Lilymossflower · 08/09/2019 11:17

I reccomend women's aid

Original poster

northeatswest · 08/09/2019 11:18

It’s obviously me though isn’t it. My mum who’s programmed to love me left me how can I expect anyone else to
I tried so hard. I make sure him and the kids are happy before me. I don’t know why no one wants to look after me

OP posts:

Grainedmonkey · 08/09/2019 11:19

OP, this has all just happened to you in the last 24 hours and you are understandably in shock . DP sounds like a very weak man, unable to step up and fulfil his responsibility of being a new Dad and with you returning to work. It is very immature behaviour to just walk away when the going gets tough.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 08/09/2019 11:20

One of the most positive things I felt after my partner left was how much easier it was with one less child person in the household.

I didn't have a partner but almost another child to feed and look after. There was so much less cleaning, washing and shopping to get through. Emotionally I was a wreck but physically I managed easily.

shiveringtimber · 08/09/2019 11:21

I'm so terribly sorry for the trouble and sorrow life has brought you, OP. Apart from your DC, of course. As PP have said, you don't deserve to be treated so shabbily by your partner. Let him go, he's no good to you nor your DC. Your heart will mend when you are able to see what a deliverance it is to be rid of this dreadful, selfish, cruel waste of space! I don't think your father would be disappointed with you; what makes you believe that? If he loves you and his GC, he'll help you.

RevealTheLegend · 08/09/2019 11:21

Ask yourself, would you ever just waltz out demanding space and leave him to look afterwards 2 kids?

If not why not?

And why is it OK for him?

Get angry.

Aworldofmyown · 08/09/2019 11:22

Get Angry OP, he's an asshole.
Don't beg him to behave like an adult.
Can you ever see yourself standing up one day and announcing "this is a bit hard, I need space", Nope. Because you put your children and your relationship first.

PookieDo · 08/09/2019 11:23

He wants his freedom more than he wants to be a parent. This is not about you, you haven’t done anything wrong. He is a selfish man who hasn’t grown up. Maybe his parents haven’t done the best job themselves as is often the case with grandparents who don’t seem bothered about the welfare of their DGC, they are also selfish

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