Was I BU? Partner left me

[northeatswest]

So basically I have a son, and me and now ex DP have an 8 month old
He’s been abit miserable with me recently and I could tell he wasn’t happy. Yesterday morning he said he’s done he isn’t happy and he packed his stuff and left, this has all hit me like a tonne of bricks.
When he left he text me saying just give him some space he needs to think and I didn’t reply

This morning at 9.45 I text him saying hope he’s okay and if he wants to come speak etc to let me know and that I hope we can work this out

He’s gone mental at me. Calling me all sorts of names, saying I’m a joke for asking him to try work it out when he said he wants space

Was I BU in texting ?
I thought I had done quite well only sending one text since he left- surely he should have contacted me to ask how the kids were etc,
He’s fully left me in the lurch now blaming me saying me texting was the nail in the coffin. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve ruined it all

You sent him a perfectly reasonable text. You are entitled to wonder what is going on and why. The text he sent you was incredibly vitriolic not to mention childish.

I can see why people are thinking there is someone else. It would be perfectly normal of you to send a text even if he asked for space - he has walked out on his Child and Step-Child not just you. You are entitled to know where you stand. His response is all about trying to put the blame on you. It is not your fault, don’t let him make you think it is.

Please talk to your Dad, he will not think you are weak. He will want to support you.

Your dad will be there for you. I bet he'll be proud that you came to him, rather than keep it to yourself.

And I agree with the other posters that your ex had already decided to try and make out that it's your fault, and would have used the 'I would have come back but you texted/looked at me funny/breathed wrong' at some point. He just did it this morning.

After all, a bloke who has walked out on his partner, baby and child just a few months after her mother died doesn't sound particularly attractive to other women, does he? He needs to be able to paint himself as the victim, not the lazy, abusive waste of space he is.

I think this is all punishment designed to keep you down and ‘in your place’. You started asking for help and he’s gone off on one. He wants you to be too scared to ask him to do anything, for fear of him leaving.

Your mum’s death must have been the most horrendously painful experience for you. Your resulting self-esteem issues and blaming yourself indicate that you really need some counselling. Speak to your GP and ask for a referral. Please also speak to your dad about what’s happening in your life. You need to open up and share your problems, or they’ll get worse.

You’ve done nothing wrong, he’s turning it round on you as people do when they’ve got no good reason for their behaviour. He’s a disgusting and useless pig.

You are going to need to get practical first op he has left you with two children they are your only priority right now.

1. Send text stating he has until tomorrow at 9am to decide if he is staying away for good as you need to sort living arrangements. Ignore any blustering on his part be strong this isn't about feelings and love this is about a roof for your little ones.

1. Tell your dad he will be needed to call upon in and childcare emergencies and you need someone here for you.

1. Take tomorrow off work if you are working to get things sorted.

1. Update or file a new benefit claim if you are going to struggle financially. Also file for maintenance

1. Inform landlord and get him off the tenancy agreement

1. Phone the doctors and try to source some help for your mental health.

1. Access the freedom program.

1. Ask him to set in place a proper access agreement asap so you can start with visits for baby.

You are in control here not him. I know you are sad about the relationship breakdown but you need anger to motivate you right now.

There are many helpful people on the relationship board feel free to post over there :)

How do you get on with DS dad? What does he think of ex?
Your son is not losing his only male figure he will cope better than you think.

Yes agree with the above list.

Get things in order. The children are the priority. That doesn’t mean keeping this guy around so you’re not alone, it means giving them good examples and keeping them safe and healthy and financially stable. Apply for benefits etc immediately if you haven’t already.

Where is he?

Please do what @Nousernameforme says above

It broke my heart readong your posts and seeing how you are blaming yourself for HIS appalling behaviour. Is he cheating? Who knows.

What is clear is he is having a HUGE impact on your mental health and wellbeing with his manipulative behaviour. You canot see it as you are inside it.

Please speak to your strong Dad - wouldn't you want your children to tell you if they needed help? It's perfectly normal.

All the best

After all, a bloke who has walked out on his partner, baby and child just a few months after her mother died doesn't sound particularly attractive to other women, does he? He needs to be able to paint himself as the victim, not the lazy, abusive waste of space he is.

Yep. Exactly.

YANBU but your horrible ex is.

I understand you don't want to do it all by yourself, but tbh you're doing it all by yourself anyway. Your ex is not contributing to your home and he's one extra job for you instead of helping.

These article may give you some comfort:

www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/london-life/8-myths-about-being-a-single-parent-that-need-to-be-debunked-a3669806.html

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/oct/03/single-mother

herbsandhags.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-joy-of-single-motherhood-and-why.html

www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/single-parenting/benefits-to-being-a-single-parent/

OP, he may not have another women. It's just a very common story on here and there almost always turns out to be another woman. There is another thread at the moment with a woman whose partner left the mother of his child when the baby was three weeks old. He has told his current girlfriend that the ex was unreasonable and made his life hell. Your partner will be lying to a other women about you and framing you as a 'psycho' or mentally unstable soon. This is what he has started doing. Be warned: he will will tell his friends and family this. He can't tell them the truth.

Shitty men do this. They need to look for (invent) something you have done wrong so they can blame you and not have to take responsibility.

It sounds like he’s having an affair to me, and looking for you to be the bad guy so he can justify it to himself. Even if he’s not, he still needs to you be the bad guy so he doesn’t have to feel guilty.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP. This is all on him.

So convienient for so many men to leave on a Saturday night too isn’t it. The weekend always seems preferable because then they have a great opportunity to go out on a Saturday night. Now he’s hungover and you are at home with his child, he still doesn’t have any shame!

He either wants out - and to be able to paint himself as the victim to any new women he might fancy - or he doesn't actually want to split up but he wants to make sure that you know your place and will never ask him for anything again. Abusive men often use the threat of leaving as a way to make the woman desperate to please and placate them and indulge their every whim. They'll come back if she grovels enough, and then, any time they feel that she's too complacent, or she disagres with them, or won't open her legs on command, they will go and start noisly packing a suitcase to put her back in her place...

OP, when you think this is your fault and you’re trying to understand why- imagine that it was you who didn’t pull their weight around the house even though your partners DM had died during a time when you were very vulnerable, then imagine he sent you a reasonable text and you’d replied that way he did to you. No excuse is there?

You sound like you’d be better off without him, you’re doing all the work anyway. Would it be a possibility that your Dad could help out regularly or if you had to could you live with him? Not sure if that would be a good thing or not in the circumstances of him losing his wife but I don’t think you’ll regret letting him go, you’ll definitely regret letting him back though.

Hope that all makes sense.

You didn’t let this happen, he engineered it. You could have sent anything and he would have used it as an excuse to send back the message he did- as a pp said, like all spineless weasels he needs to blame you/be the victim to avoid taking responsibility for the fact he wants out.

If he’s already talking about taking your baby on set days, he’s had this in mind for a while.

You sound lovely, he’s a bellend

So convienient for so many men to leave on a Saturday night too isn’t it.

Yes I was thinking this. A relative’s exDh used to “need space” on a Friday night after work, wasn’t sure about their relationship, felt depressed, needed time. Always went out for he whole weekend and out his feet up hungover at his mum’s house, ignoring calls etc. Sunday night he would have a chance of heart, and accept her texts and calls begging him to come back. A few weeks later he’d strike again. Bastard.

He wanted an excuse any excuse to behave like a twat. You are trying to hold it together with 2 kids.
Just let him be sounds immature and looking for an excuse to leave.

You are being very kind and soft with him. I'd send a text saying,

"look you are an adult and are responsible for a child. You don't get to up and leave and then say that I'm pressuring you when I contact you. Grow up, man up and sort your life, commitments and responsibilities out instead of being obsessed with yourself"

you aren't weak. you have looked after yourself and your baby whilst he quit. you can manage without this man baby.

Colour me cynical, but I think his demands for certain days with the baby, is him worrying about future maintenance, and how he can minimise it.

Op you have been had lovely, he's let you and his child down badly, stop beating yourself up this isn't on you.

saying I’m a joke for asking him to try work it out when he said he wants space

^i actually agree with him on this. He asked you to give him space so why didn’t you? Messaging him less than 24 hours later is desperate

Oh, op. I’m so sorry about your mum. She must have been very sad to do that - it’s no reflection on you at all.

You have already been acting as a single parent to your dc, so please don’t feel worried about carrying on doing that.

Your ‘partner’ is no good. He wanted a dc yet was unwilling to do any of the work involved in looking after the dc? Bet he doesn’t lift a finger round the house either. Is that your responsibility too?

If he was unhappy, he should have been an adult and spoken to you about it instead of stropping off like a petulant child. And blaming you? Wow. What a selfish, thoughtless git.

What does he bring to your life?

I’d find it impossible to forgive how he has spoken to you. He’s totally out of order blaming you for him leaving. Your text was reasonable. He can’t just walk out on his dc and expect you to look after them - but that’s just what he’s done.

Op, talk to your dad. Get all the support you can. Keep posting on here too.

If you hadn’t text him it’d be “well I was going to come back but you didn’t text so can I have baby 3 nights so I don’t have to give you 20% of my take home pay?”.

No wonder you are so low OP, you have a young baby and you have lost your mum in the most terrible circumstances. I'd go to your GP and tell them everything, ask for a referral for counselling - you can't process a loss like that on your own without professional help.

I don't think this man has another woman but he's still a grade A arsehole and you deserve better. You need to love yourself. And your dad won't be disappointed, he knows your pain as he is feeling it too you can support each other. I bet he'd be furious if he knew what your partner has done.

Am so sorry about this awful situation. I really do think that you should contact your Dad and hopefully get his support. Please don’t try and sort out too much too soon but definitely take the next couple of days off work to help clear some headspace. Your priority is your mental health and your children’s wellbeing . Am not gonna say anything about your partner...enough has been said by others and totally agree . Am so sorry about your Mum ...mental health problems are an epidemic in this country!! Please do not feel rejected by your Mum the poor lady was obviously very sick .Xx