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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cultural thing or is my DFriend a CF?

217 replies

Henrysmycat · 08/09/2019 06:10

About 15 years ago, I was working in another European capital and I got close to a colleague from the US. We were 2 of the few females in the office.

I was on a huge package with very generous extras that included entertaining clients and some colleagues. So, if I took clients for some drinks/meal, I included her and paid for her. She was always up for a freebie as she was saying. I stood by her while her first marriage broke down during that time as well.

The secondment finished, we both returned home (London for me and NYC for her) We maintain a friendship via Social Media/phone/email and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding 2 years ago.
Roll on to this summer and we agreed for her and her DH to visit. They decided on 10 days. DH (Scottish/Northern England) is not very positive on her (“too loudmouth, argumentative American” as there was an incident at her 2nd wedding) but he’ll do anything for me.
They stayed for 10 days and it was hell for us. They expected all transportation (including a 4 hour trip to drop them-off/pick them up twice while I had to work), never lifted a finger as I was coming back to piles of dirty dishes/cups, never paid for anything for themselves nevermind us. The bill would arrive and they stare at it. After, about 5 days and various London amusements and expensive restaurants “they had to try” I had spend way over 1K and had to put a stop to it. I ended up cooking at home and dealing with the mess. I’m not poor but I’m not one to spend £500 on Marcus Wareing dinner and not bat an eyelid.
My AIBU is this a cultural thing? I know plenty of NYorkers but none that close. Is it normal for them to visit and expect everything paid for? They arrived empty handed despite her big career in fashion where she picks 100’s of freebies (posts them on FB). Not even a crappy souvenir from the NY.
I’m from the Med and the Arab World so I have different beliefs of visiting and staying with friends but even for British standards, I felt used like a hotel. They didn’t even SAY thank you at all which pissed off my husband. Not a single thank you.
It left a bad taste in my mouth and I dunno if it’s a cultural US thing or I’m expecting too much to Middle Eastern hospitality and I shouldn’t.
AIBU?

OP posts:
SardineJam · 08/09/2019 06:14

I don't think it's cultural...i had some friends visit from Connecticut a couple of months ago and we went out to dinner. Bill came to about £125, we were going to pay for our own meals/drinks esp as there were 4 of us and 2 of them but they insisted on paying everything!!

Weenurse · 08/09/2019 06:16

No idea if it is cultural but it is very rude

Monty27 · 08/09/2019 06:18

No. They're free loaders. Give them an invoice.

BusterGonad · 08/09/2019 06:20

Why did you let it go on for so long? You should've piped up earlier really.

Philmitchell · 08/09/2019 06:22

Agree with Buster

mehmehmehmeh · 08/09/2019 06:26

No way. The friendship would be very damaged after this. Not normal at all.

Weezol · 08/09/2019 06:27

Massive piss take on their behalf. Nothing 'cultural' about being grabby and ungrateful!

I have hosted US visitors and 'buddied' visiting US colleagues at work - they were nothing like your 'friends'. Neither were the Indian,Dutch, Austrian, Chinese, Spanish or South Korean colleagues!

We did have an utterly miserable pair from New Barnet though.

I'm Irish/Northern England

I'd 'lose contact' with them rapidly.

mediumbrownmug · 08/09/2019 06:32

I’m American, and no this isn’t cultural! Not for NY, or any of the other states. Your “friend” sounds entitled and ungrateful, not to mention rude.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/09/2019 06:34

Not cultural just greedy, entitled cheeky fuckery. This would be the end of the friendship for me.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 08/09/2019 06:39

Of course, you now need to go back and visit them ...... get your money back and enjoy their hospitality.

PurrBox · 08/09/2019 06:42

How on earth can you think (or even pretend to think) this is cultural?

Usually, when people want to have a little fun session of American bashing. Americans are accused of flashing their money around/ tipping too much/ consuming too much...

If you asked whether your Jewish/ black/ Scottish friend was behaving like this for 'cultural' reasons, you would get a lot of flack.

KC225 · 08/09/2019 06:42

I don't think its cultural - some people are just mean/tight and as you say she has form for it. You probably know better than us if it's cultural as you lived and worked over in NYC. Where your other friends/colleagues like this?

I can't understand why you didn't say anything though. A four hour round trip - twice. When booking restaurants, surely you could have said 'So this one is on you as I got the last one'. Why not mention the washing up? You do sound like warm and generous host but it does seem they took advantage.

And they never said thank you - I always find this hard to believe when people write this. No thank you, when they get into the car when you collect them, not when you pay the bill, nothing when you put a plate hot of home cooked food in front of them. Not when they hug you goodbye. Not one thank you - you wouldn't put up with that from a five year old.

How do you feel about the fiendship now?

MidniteScribbler · 08/09/2019 06:43

It's not cultural. They are rude fuckers.

Weezol · 08/09/2019 06:46

How do you feel about the fiendship now?

I make loads of typos, but that one's gold!

echt · 08/09/2019 06:47

If you asked whether your Jewish/ black/ Scottish friend was behaving like this for 'cultural' reasons, you would get a lot of flack

FFS. Stirring much?Hmm

CuriousMama · 08/09/2019 06:50

No way. Cfers.

I wouldn't do the same there. I'd have nothing to do with them.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 08/09/2019 06:55

This behavior is common in some cultures - my Indian family would expect this treatment. If you visit someone in India the guest is supposed to be ‘honoured’ and they would not lift a finger, pay for a thing, or be left to entertain themselves at all. One of my Indian relatives who I like very much is desperate to come and visit me but I have to keep making excuses as I know my experience would be much the same as yours! Although being from NY I’d say your friend is just a CF - I’m sure this sort of thing isn’t common in America!

proseccoaficionado · 08/09/2019 06:55

Rude and entitled and in no way cultural. Not sure why you didn't say anything or accepted to pay, though. I would've let them stare at the bill until they paid. This is fucking ridiculous.

YouJustDoYou · 08/09/2019 06:57

No. I made a number of American friends whilst in another country studying, and I can assure you none of them were like that. It's not an American thing, it;s a your cf friend thing.

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2019 07:00

Why did you carry on going out for dinners after the first time they didn't contribute? You need to speak up a bit more op

EleanorReally · 08/09/2019 07:00

it is a shame you didnt speak up.
tell them house rules, ie washing up,
suggest going halves?

PurrBox · 08/09/2019 07:03

echt do you really think that there is even the tiniest shred of a reason to think that Americans in general or NYers in particular have a 'cultural' reason to behave like arseholes in this particular way? Is there even the tiniest excuse to wonder if this is some kind of custom originating on the East coast of the US?

I am not 'stirring'; as a New Yorker, I think it is rude, and disingenuous, to suggest such a thing.

There are all kinds of obnoxious behaviours (being loud, over-confident, insular, baggy, tasteless, materialistic, gun-toting, evangelical, overly friendly ... the list goes on) which I am used to acknowledging are unfortunately, but with some good reason, associated with being American.

This is a new one, and I am protesting.

PurrBox · 08/09/2019 07:04

Sorry, braggy, not baggy.

Original poster
Henrysmycat · 08/09/2019 07:04

I was trying to find an excuse for their behaviour and not stir the pot. I am grasping at straws as to their CFery. I’m not even bashing Americans. The Texans and Hawaiians, I know are soooo different hence why I zeroed in the NYC.
I have no idea why I didn’t say anything. I kept on saying “it’s coming to an end soon” but deep down, I expected a last minute “thank you for everything, let me get you a coffee” and everything would have been forgiven by me. Instead, they walked out of the car after airport drop off with a “it was nice to see you, bye” and nothing else.
The round trip was a supposed confusion to get trains to go to Oxford. In the end my husband relented and drove them there after an hour on the phone trying to explain Paddington station. The return was equal as they took a wrong train and ended up in Reading or something at 10pm. Again, my husband picked them up.
I realise I need to cut them off but in a sense, I was questioning myself, in case, I’m aibu or too harsh or demanding.

OP posts:
londonrach · 08/09/2019 07:05

No cf. if you stay with someone who giving you free accomodation you often pay for a meal out. Send them a bill. Friendship is over anyway