Cultural thing or is my DFriend a CF?

[Henrysmycat]

About 15 years ago, I was working in another European capital and I got close to a colleague from the US. We were 2 of the few females in the office.

I was on a huge package with very generous extras that included entertaining clients and some colleagues. So, if I took clients for some drinks/meal, I included her and paid for her. She was always up for a freebie as she was saying. I stood by her while her first marriage broke down during that time as well.

The secondment finished, we both returned home (London for me and NYC for her) We maintain a friendship via Social Media/phone/email and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding 2 years ago.
Roll on to this summer and we agreed for her and her DH to visit. They decided on 10 days. DH (Scottish/Northern England) is not very positive on her (“too loudmouth, argumentative American” as there was an incident at her 2nd wedding) but he’ll do anything for me.
They stayed for 10 days and it was hell for us. They expected all transportation (including a 4 hour trip to drop them-off/pick them up twice while I had to work), never lifted a finger as I was coming back to piles of dirty dishes/cups, never paid for anything for themselves nevermind us. The bill would arrive and they stare at it. After, about 5 days and various London amusements and expensive restaurants “they had to try” I had spend way over 1K and had to put a stop to it. I ended up cooking at home and dealing with the mess. I’m not poor but I’m not one to spend £500 on Marcus Wareing dinner and not bat an eyelid.
My AIBU is this a cultural thing? I know plenty of NYorkers but none that close. Is it normal for them to visit and expect everything paid for? They arrived empty handed despite her big career in fashion where she picks 100’s of freebies (posts them on FB). Not even a crappy souvenir from the NY.
I’m from the Med and the Arab World so I have different beliefs of visiting and staying with friends but even for British standards, I felt used like a hotel. They didn’t even SAY thank you at all which pissed off my husband. Not a single thank you.
It left a bad taste in my mouth and I dunno if it’s a cultural US thing or I’m expecting too much to Middle Eastern hospitality and I shouldn’t.
AIBU?

No, that is not normal for Americans.

The only tiny exception I make to that statement is that it isn't so shocking for Americans to expect you to drive a long way to collect them from the airport. They may be used to driving long distances themselves, because there's often no other way to reach the airport. And they may be somewhat clueless about using public transport. So they might well have assumed you'd be driving them.

If that were the only way in which they had been CFs then it might have been cultural. But all the rest? No. They are horrible selfish people.

We had Canadian house guests many years ago who behaved like this.

Their mother was visiting years later and mentioned the Canadian tradition of a guest psys for everything in a forest visit.

We were all in our late twenties, and paying for their food and transport for two weeks was a huge burden.

Hey asked what the plans were very day, and when we got home asked what was for dinner. It was expensive and exhausting.

Honestly I think you should book a holiday and stay with them and get your money's worth even drop a hint like when we come to stay what will we be doing up to you otherwise end the friendship

Heavens no.
I'm from California and I've lived in Europe and the UK for a total of 25 years. I routinely have friends and family from the US visit and if anything, I find them so respectful and generous. They ALWAYS insist on paying and treating. I always feel so cheered up when I've had an American friend/family member visit. Also, there are lots of American families at my kids' schools here.
I think your friend is the extreme example of 'the ugly American' in the way that the Benidorm Brit is an extreme example of 'Bad British Tourist'. They exist, but they are rare.
It's not a regional thing, OP. I know plenty of chilled, mild, soft-spoken New Yorkers. Though traditionally, those of us from the West are typically mellow and more low key than most Americans (as a generalisation- but I also know a truly obnoxious, in-your-face Californian which goes against the norm!).
Where are your friend's parents from? I know that my cousin's American wife's parents come from a culture where you just stop your life, erect a palace, and roll out the red carpet every 5 minutes when they're about. Expectations are astronomical. Could your American friend have grown up with the expectations of her parents' culture?

Totally. It an American thing - quite the opposite.
I do slightly agree re the airport journey. Not even so much them being confused by public transport but just the distance - they may have had no idea what a journey that small distance would entail. However they’re in nyc so actually that’s not even relevant - airport journeys and time for shirt distances pretty similar to here.
They just sound absolute tossers.

I have lived in New York and have many lifelong friends from there, and other US cities, who have stayed with us here in the UK. I can categorically state this is NOT typical behaviour.

Did they bring you a gift when they arrived OP?

I have to fight my American friends NOT to let them pay for everything when they stay with us. I enjoy cooking & hosting (which is a bit unusual, as Americans tend to eat out more than us) and they would always insist on taking us out for dinner at least once.

There was one notable exception, a very skint friend of DH's who never offered to pay for anything, then decided to catch a bus to her next destination (Scotland) which left from the bus stop 8 miles away at 3.30 am. DH insisted on paying for her taxi because he did not want to drive at that time (during the work week) - the taxi cost as much as her bus fare.

Had you been saying to her ‘you must come over and visit us’. It still doesn’t excuse her being a CF but might explain how she justified it in her mind ie that you were asking them as hosts. To not say thank you at the end is unforgivably rude and I would write to her and tell her exactly how you feel or it will eat you up

No, not a cultural thing at all. I'm American and if anything we're criticised for being too generous, to the point that we're in danger of making British people feel embarrassed when we offer to treat or host on a big scale. As an American in the UK I need to be careful of that!

There is however a certain kind of elite person with a huge sense of entitlement. Aka CF. I guess you get those anywhere.

I agree that the earlier interaction set the tone,and she seems to have got worse as she got older!

Yabu.

They were absolutely rude, however, you allowed them to do these things and said nothing.

You asking if this was typical American behaviour after befriending one American is a bit ridiculous. If someone posted the same thing and inserted where you were from, what would you think? I’ve never done this nor have I known anyone who has. Culturally, most of us bring a gift of some sort, pick up after ourselves, ask the host if they need help with anything, questions about the area including transport, pay half or take turns with meals, etc. My own parents do the same even though we would pay for them.

Why didn’t you say something sooner? 10 days and you didn’t say anything? If so, that’s really on you I’m afraid. Where was your voice? Heck, I’m surprised your husband didn’t say anything considering his thoughts in her. Or did he?

The American’s I’ve met have been polite, kind and generous.

I have had visitors having problems using the transport system though.

I dare say CF freeloaders are to be found everywhere under the sun - don't take it as typical.

I had a Canadian guest like this - a relative but one I'd never met before - stayed 10 nights, expected everything for free, and not so much as an email to say thanks after he left.
But I wouldn't assume that he's typical.

They sound very rude and greedy but what on earth were you and your husband thinking!!!! I don't understand how you can get through life being that gullible and such a walk over. I honestly find it odd behaviour. You are clearly very competent and intelligent. I don't understand why you wouldn't recognise the situation for what it was and do something about it.

Your husband doesn't even like her so goodness know why he went along with it.

If any of this situation has a cultural slant I'd wonder it was more to do with your background than your 'friends' . I've close pals from the 'Arab world' as you put it and they are all very hospitable particularly with food. Much more so than my pals who aren't from the 'Arab world'. I think there is some cultural expectation that they are seen to be generous hosts. My experience is only based on a small group though

Before you cut them off, organise a trip to NYC, and play them at their own game!

It sounds like they had prioritised their schedule of seeing and experiencing everything in the UK over your needs and general politeness. She may get home and think 'Oh perhaps I was a bit grabby'. However she may not!

Maybe the early experience set the scene. You were living large on your expense account - maybe you gave her the impression that you are happy to pay for everything

Being generous, I wondered this too. Did she think you still had the expense account and were using that?

Honestly though, I think the lack of thanks or a gift shows that it is good old CFery and nothing more.

Wow just wow..... I could see myself doing the same thing... I'm very assertive at work... But could imagine myself thinking... Ah maybe next time they'll offer/surprise us with theatre tickets...

Cf of highest order...

No, not cultural!

I would end the friendship if youre in any doubt .... Although not before you've visited NYC and expected them to reciprocate and to the same extent!

If you can't stomach that... Or feel more cheeky fucker behaviour.... 'oh in NYC we always go Dutch!' so different from UK

I would serusouly bill them... As you were obviously short of cash when you visited us.. Please would you reimburse your equal share of the meals out/tickets/fuel...
This comes to £2300 or whatever... My bank details....
At the very least you'll feel you've actually told them what CF they are...

As a host, I would expect to do the cooking and clearing up when people are staying at my home. It’s nice for guests to offer, but not necessary.

However, for meals out, tourist visits etc, then I would expect for the meals to be split between both parties. If you are visiting tourist sites when abroad, you expect to pay your own way. That’s very cf to expect you to pay.

I wouldn't host them again. Just keep it to social media.

I have an American friend and he is ridiculously generous always.

How could this be a "cultural thing"? Of course they are CF's and you are just a doormat.

You made friends over her enjoying numerous free drinks and meals on your expense account.

Your DH has good instincts, in not liking them in the first place.

They sound thick; how can they not get to Oxford and back on the train?

I would end this friendship decisively,

But do tell us what the incident at the wedding was!

I think Americans on the whole are a generous nation rather than a mean one. Clutching at straws here but could your friend have thought you were paying for everything out of your own pocket when you were wining and dining her 15 years ago, and so assumed you were loaded and so just carried on expecting the same treatment. Even so it’s in pretty bad form not to ever offer to pay and worse to not even thank you for your hospitality. That’s just rude and ungrateful and I definitely would not be inviting those freeloaders again.

I don't think it's an American thing; I think it's just rudeness and selfishness. (And they're not using you as a hotel; if they were in a hotel, they would have to pay for services and follow the rules!)

Your friendship is based on you treating her, she's forgetting that it was for business.

Something similar happened to us though not as extreme. It was a distant relative that came to stay while at college in the UK. The 'relative' stayed for almost a month and brought very very little. His family are quite wealthy.

However, his extended family did put up others in our extended family quite well over the years.

I would ask the OP, did they invite you to NYC? Is there an implication that they will fully return the favor if you visit? You may not wish to go but is there an invite there?

If there is no effort to return the favors then I would agree with cutting them out of you lives.