Cultural thing or is my DFriend a CF?

[Henrysmycat]

About 15 years ago, I was working in another European capital and I got close to a colleague from the US. We were 2 of the few females in the office.

I was on a huge package with very generous extras that included entertaining clients and some colleagues. So, if I took clients for some drinks/meal, I included her and paid for her. She was always up for a freebie as she was saying. I stood by her while her first marriage broke down during that time as well.

The secondment finished, we both returned home (London for me and NYC for her) We maintain a friendship via Social Media/phone/email and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding 2 years ago.
Roll on to this summer and we agreed for her and her DH to visit. They decided on 10 days. DH (Scottish/Northern England) is not very positive on her (“too loudmouth, argumentative American” as there was an incident at her 2nd wedding) but he’ll do anything for me.
They stayed for 10 days and it was hell for us. They expected all transportation (including a 4 hour trip to drop them-off/pick them up twice while I had to work), never lifted a finger as I was coming back to piles of dirty dishes/cups, never paid for anything for themselves nevermind us. The bill would arrive and they stare at it. After, about 5 days and various London amusements and expensive restaurants “they had to try” I had spend way over 1K and had to put a stop to it. I ended up cooking at home and dealing with the mess. I’m not poor but I’m not one to spend £500 on Marcus Wareing dinner and not bat an eyelid.
My AIBU is this a cultural thing? I know plenty of NYorkers but none that close. Is it normal for them to visit and expect everything paid for? They arrived empty handed despite her big career in fashion where she picks 100’s of freebies (posts them on FB). Not even a crappy souvenir from the NY.
I’m from the Med and the Arab World so I have different beliefs of visiting and staying with friends but even for British standards, I felt used like a hotel. They didn’t even SAY thank you at all which pissed off my husband. Not a single thank you.
It left a bad taste in my mouth and I dunno if it’s a cultural US thing or I’m expecting too much to Middle Eastern hospitality and I shouldn’t.
AIBU?

By the way, I have travelled in the ME and had nothing but kindness and hospitality.

Your US "friends" sound awful.

BUT! You have to look inside yourself as to why you put up with this bullshit from others. Could be ME culture of the woman always "putting up and shutting up"? Trying to be everything to everyone, the "disease to please"?

Not necessarily a ME culture, we as women have it drummed into us from a young age, take care of everyone, never mind yourself....

I have been through the mill and thankfully has taught me to put in boundaries in place. Think of it as a - albeit late - a life lesson.

NEVER! blame yourself for people taking advantage of your good and kind nature.
Get angry (in an appropriate way) at those who would take advantage of it. That is how you take back your power. Don't let people walk all over you and your kindness.

From an American - not cultural. They are freeloaders and not good friends. I'm sorry they took advantage of your friendship and generosity that way.

New Yorkers are known for their rudeness

Well, maybe if you're from Iowa our directness just comes across as rude.

Nothing to do with their culture. I’m Canadian but have a number of friends/acquaintances who are American. I would say typically they are the polar opposite to your friend - and would more likely offer to take you out, pay for your dinners, outing fees, etc Your friends are CFs, without a doubt.

You could give them the benefit of the doubt since she was used to getting a free ride when you first established your friendship. Maybe she assumed the situation hadn’t changed. If you don’t communicate boundaries and limits at the time, many people will assume you don’t have a problem with how things are going. Meanwhile, you’re trying to balance being a polite and good host with the discomfort of feeling exploited.
If you still value her friendship, you could suggest a way that she could return the favour of your exceedingly generous hospitality. Is there a way to gently let her know that you didn’t know how to say it at the time without causing an awkward situation, but their visit was more of a financial and logistical strain than you had anticipated.
I am mortified when I look back to my youth at the generosity of friends and especially of an old long term boyfriends. Its only after years of hindsight that I can see now how naive I was to have taken for granted things like meals, drinks and social events that they had paid for. I may have thought I had returned the favour in some small way, but I wish now that someone would have gently let me know whether they felt I was taking the piss.

Definitely not cultural, actually almost the opposite really. I am American by birth, from NYC (but live in the UK) and I find my American family and friends are showy with money to a genuinely uncomfortable extent (by British standards). Like would rather die than have someone pay for them or not try to make awkward grand gestures about paying for things. They just sound rude and like they are in it for a free holiday.

Please please please fly to hers and do the same to her! Then post back here Haha!!

In all serious though, I would say you are most definitely not being unreasonable and should ask her for at least something for all the money you spent!! X

Definitely invite yourself to hers for 10 days and go to expensive restaurants and stare at the bill.

she had already said she's up for a freebie when you had business evenings! that would have raised alarm bells. you won't want to see her again ..but before you go, have a holiday at her expense! bet you've fancied going to NY? if not send her an invoice, you won't get paid but you'll feel better?

New Yorkers might be blunt, but they're not cheap.

No gift, no help, no contributions, no dinner equals no manners, no more and no less.

We were in the USA this summer and visited DD, who was working at summer camp, and invited her out to dinner. She brought along her four best friends, mostly Americans, who we had met and fed when they visited last year.

The kids took us to a charming and reasonably priced seafood place and we bought them lots of drinks and I subtly indicated to DH that he go and pick up the tab, only to discover the kids had already got it. It was so sweet of them, seeing as they are mostly students or in their first proper jobs. I was very touched by their generosity.

My OH is American and I have always found them very generous.

us Brits have one of the most multicultural countries on the planet.
We welcome people from all over and give them help.

Not sure why you are insulting me. I did not dig professionally to get offended......If made such a sweeping statement it would not be ok.......I will not post anymore as this has gone a bit crap and clearly your friend was out of order.

I forgot the important part. That I have friends form NYC and no it is not their normal behaviour at all. I find them kind, very funny and giving. Not at all like your friend

You're a complete MUG OP.

You sound lovely op.
They are CFS!

How much did their flights cost them? Is it quite a lot?
The not saying thank you is appalling, and the laziness, but maybe they were cleaned out by the tickets?

I am from the U.S. and that is just bad manners and no sense. Guess she thought she was doing you a favor with their presence. Maybe send her an itemized bill?

This thread has been an education. We also had American/Canadian visitors who invited themselves, came empty handed and ate all around them. Good to know that's not the norm!

Not normal at all, but nor is it normal that you would offer to drive them around and buy them tickets to amusements. If you set the tone, no reason for them to know you didn't want to treat them.

I'm somewhat reassured by some of the responses you are getting, because I've had a couple of similar experiences. Well, not me, but my grandparents had some extremely distant second cousins from Texas visit them for 3 weeks once, who behaved exactly the same. My grandparents weren't poor so my grandmother ended up cooking for them and running herself into the ground. They were so CF that they would get ferried off for the day by my grandfather and not even invite my GM to go with them or treat her to a nice meal, but come back and talk about how great it was. It was so bad that my gf attributed my gm's later ill health to it.

Then I once made the mistake of offering a lift to a Canadian vague acquaintance to a Highland Games when we both lived and worked in Scotland. I had a car, she didn't, so it made sense. OMG what a mistake. She was late, I had to wait outside for half an hour for her and when I drove slightly faster to try and get there in time (still within the speed limit) she complained about my driving. We both paid for ourselves, she didn't offer to pay for my ticket in lieu of the lift or anything. She didn't like any of the food but spent another half hour waiting in a queue for a burger van only to find that they didn't have the exact combination of burger and sauce she preferred, so refused to buy anything. She then complained that due to hunger she felt tired and wanted to go home early. She moaned so much and became such a misery that I had to cut my own day short. She fell asleep on the drive back so I felt like a taxi service. No offer of money for the petrol (I would have refused but it would have been manners to offer), no thank you by text or messenger afterwards. I got the impression that I had in fact failed some test for something I had done wrong or declined to do.

Didn't hear from her much but she kept me on FB and remarkably she seems to have rather a nice boyfriend who runs around after her (remarkable because she is incredibly plain and hard work to be around).

So glad to hear all North Americans aren't like that!

The last American couple I met insisted on paying for the entire meal and drinks for 9 people even though I'd only met them for the first time that evening.

I live in America and it is pretty normal that that the hosts here seem to pay for meals etc. Guests bring a gift though! We had an american friend come to visit us when I was stsying with my Mum back home in the UK. They came for 2 weeks and it was hell. She damaged her leg tripping over a suitcase on the train to the airport while still in the states, so our first experience was taking her to A&E where she got xray and plaster etc on the NHS for free. She moaned they didn't give oxycodone like US hospital eould. We had to rent her a wheel chair because she was "in agony" and couldnt use the crutches... she really didn't seem bad to me though. Just needed to constantly remind me it was my fault she injured herself because she had been transporting my new laptop in that suitcase she fell over.

My family went out of their way, even to my grandparents putting them up as they had a downstairs bathroom which she said she needed. My family paid for everything when they were there, but she moaned the whole time. We fell out shortly after both going home to USA because really that holiday spoiled things.

My aunt had American cousins who came to stay for 2 or 3 weeks, for several years running. They invited themselves and she always felt she couldn't say no, but they were good natured, appreciative guests and they always arrived with gifts for everyone. Also, they thanked her properly and after they'd gone she would find envelopes of cash hidden in various places where they knew she'd find it, like in the bedding, etc, so they paid their way.

I don't think you can generalise about people from certain countries being generous/tight or anything else, really, as there are CFs everywhere, ready to take advantage. However, where CFs are concerned, I have a mantra: Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me. OP, chalk this up to a lesson learned, and drop this freeloading "friend".

PS: Please share the story re the wedding incident. You owe these CFs no loyalty. ☺

Send.them.an.invoice. broken.down.into.bills.you.paid.

I don't care what your career success is but if you let people off with walking on you in real life you need to take a look at that.
angry on your behalf