Cultural thing or is my DFriend a CF?

[Henrysmycat]

About 15 years ago, I was working in another European capital and I got close to a colleague from the US. We were 2 of the few females in the office.

I was on a huge package with very generous extras that included entertaining clients and some colleagues. So, if I took clients for some drinks/meal, I included her and paid for her. She was always up for a freebie as she was saying. I stood by her while her first marriage broke down during that time as well.

The secondment finished, we both returned home (London for me and NYC for her) We maintain a friendship via Social Media/phone/email and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding 2 years ago.
Roll on to this summer and we agreed for her and her DH to visit. They decided on 10 days. DH (Scottish/Northern England) is not very positive on her (“too loudmouth, argumentative American” as there was an incident at her 2nd wedding) but he’ll do anything for me.
They stayed for 10 days and it was hell for us. They expected all transportation (including a 4 hour trip to drop them-off/pick them up twice while I had to work), never lifted a finger as I was coming back to piles of dirty dishes/cups, never paid for anything for themselves nevermind us. The bill would arrive and they stare at it. After, about 5 days and various London amusements and expensive restaurants “they had to try” I had spend way over 1K and had to put a stop to it. I ended up cooking at home and dealing with the mess. I’m not poor but I’m not one to spend £500 on Marcus Wareing dinner and not bat an eyelid.
My AIBU is this a cultural thing? I know plenty of NYorkers but none that close. Is it normal for them to visit and expect everything paid for? They arrived empty handed despite her big career in fashion where she picks 100’s of freebies (posts them on FB). Not even a crappy souvenir from the NY.
I’m from the Med and the Arab World so I have different beliefs of visiting and staying with friends but even for British standards, I felt used like a hotel. They didn’t even SAY thank you at all which pissed off my husband. Not a single thank you.
It left a bad taste in my mouth and I dunno if it’s a cultural US thing or I’m expecting too much to Middle Eastern hospitality and I shouldn’t.
AIBU?

Several if our American cousins came.to stay with my dad, and did exactly this.
I dont know if it was cultural bit I do know my dad. He would offer to pay when he knew it wasnt his turn and expect to he shouted down, in that very British way, of, no, this ones on me.
I don't think that they realised that when he said 'I'll get it'what he meant was 'your turn'.
Are you sure that's not what you did.

jellybean

not meant to be nitpicking. I don't understand why the OP thinks Brits are all greedy and CF like this so called friend of hers.
It is not ok to make sweeping generalizations about cultures....it can become offensive.
This post was not offensive but I was puzzled as to why the OP thought it might be a NYC thing.

Breathtakingly rude they are OP

All the people I know from NYC are lovely and polite and would never in a thousand years dream of behaving like this.

This woman is an utter CF, OP. Get rid.

As she's says "she's always up for a freebie" … and this is what they viewed their visit as - a free holiday.

Time to move on methinks!

I'm American and even reading your post made me feel ill. No, this is not a cultural thing. If I am hosted by someone I take them out, as do my other American friends. The only exception was a dear younger friend who visited us who we insisted on taking out, as she's like a little sister to me and I made a lot more money than she did at the time.

When my parents come to visit here, we have to find ways to be sneaky to pick up the bill, because when we host them they take us out and pay for activities.

I just think its rude to expect a freebie

I'm another American and a native New Yorker. New Yorkers can be a bit loud and direct about things, but not cheeky freeloaders. This is in no way cultural.

The only way I could possibly excuse them is if she was expecting you to be just as direct, as in saying "This one is one you" or "It's your turn to pay for dinner". Even that would be cheeky.

I think there are two possibilities here- either your CF friend thought you were still on an expense account, or she was banking on you being too polite to challenge her. So in effect, it was culturally-based, but yours not hers.

She knew that the typically British thing to do in these circumstances is to say nothing at the time and then moan about it later. She wasn't wrong, was she?

No not cultural
They are incredibly rude and users and toxic.
Cut the friendship immediately.

None of the Americans I know would behave like this. Go and visit them to see if they allow you to behave in the same way!

You need to book a trip to NYC OP and book for the four of you to go to the best restaurants there and stiff her for the bill. She's the queen of CFers and nothing like anyone I know from the US (although there are CF individuals from everywhere - MN seems to full of them!)

Seriously though, you've allowed this woman and her DH to use you and that should be a lesson to you to grow some self respect and a pair of balls. How come you didn't speak up? Jeez!

Hot foot it to NYC and milk it girl.....let them wait on you and pay for everything.

I haven’t read all replies...but if I stay with relatives or friends then I’d pay for the meal out to show appreciation. Though admittedly I’ve only stayed a weekend. So I’m guessing a bit longer I wouldn’t pay for every meal, but I wouldn’t expect the host to pay.

Id pick up guests from over seas, no problem. And I'd provide meals and clean up in my own home, but any external entertaining would be split at worst, they would treat at best.

I have no idea why you kept paying for them to go to entertainment or buying them expensive meals. Unless those things were your suggestion.

When you were bridesmaid for her did she pay for everything for you?

I think it IS cultural in so far as, in most cultures if you invite someone to stay they are your guest and in theory you pay for them as such.

For example: my husband visited his sister and husband in Canada and they refused to let him take his wallet out even once. He desperately wanted go take them out for a meal before he flew home (he'd been there 10 days) but they flatly refused it. They insisted on paying for absolutely everything.

Now here's the rub: hubby went alone and although they ate out it was never expensive, they were also living in the middle of nowhere so there were no expensive day trips but when they visit us next year there will be 2 of them and we're taking them to the major tourist destinations such as London, shows, meals, Bath, Stone Henge etc. So they're definitely getting the better deal but that's as much on us as it is on them and we don't mind because it is our choice.

Your friend definitely took the piss. If she wants to see you again I suggest returning the favour and go to her in New York and have yourself a whale of a time.

Lesson learned.

Surely if you’re putting them up and hosting them it would be upon them to treat you and your husband to the occasional dinner/night out not the other way around?

God no. I have US friends and without exception they arrive with a gift, help with the kids and around the house, and cook a meal or take us out for a meal to say thanks, depending on their own life stage and income level. We also haven't collected from the airport - they get a damn coach like normal people, and we pick them up from the nearest bus stop. It's 4 hours, as you say. That's close family only collection!

These people sound awful, and I'm sorry. It must have hurt.

I have friends from all over the world including usa and its defo not a cultural thing. This is exactly what happened to us when living overseas but only it was my sister and bil. We paid for meals out/excursions etc and we didnt get as much as a thank you and this is what annoys us most. They are still the same always trying to get everything for nothing. What annoyed me was they used my house like an all inclusive and didnt even say goodbye when leaving to go to the airport. It was my bday and i didn't even get a card. Hubby is still mad with them even though this was a few year back.

@goldfinchfan, I have no idea how deep you had to go to get professionally offended.
I mean “British standards” because Brits do not go crazy like other nations, I’ve experienced where they’d sleep on the floor to offer their only bed to visitors. They won’t kill they only goat to cook to offer your dinner. I’ve experienced both. Again, if you want to take offence at this and call me names or accuse me of heinous crimes, please go ahead and leave me alone.

Nope we have my 'cousin' family (not proper) come over from US all the time. Its cool cos they look at what they want to do, pay for it and just get on with it and give us room

Thank you. I was not trying to offend anyone. I was trying to find any excuse to avoid the inevitable; to realise that my friend was/is aCF.

American here. When we visit family in England we pay for everything who we go out. I also buy groceries and clean when staying at someones home in the UK.

Next time I see someone who's not American doing something nasty on the news I will write it off as a cultural thing. How do you like them apples?

They won’t kill they only goat to cook to offer your dinner

Fucking nasty.

They couldn’t offer any money as they can’t convert USD to GBS. I’ve yet to meet an American who can.
She saw you coming Op.