Cultural thing or is my DFriend a CF?

[Henrysmycat]

About 15 years ago, I was working in another European capital and I got close to a colleague from the US. We were 2 of the few females in the office.

I was on a huge package with very generous extras that included entertaining clients and some colleagues. So, if I took clients for some drinks/meal, I included her and paid for her. She was always up for a freebie as she was saying. I stood by her while her first marriage broke down during that time as well.

The secondment finished, we both returned home (London for me and NYC for her) We maintain a friendship via Social Media/phone/email and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding 2 years ago.
Roll on to this summer and we agreed for her and her DH to visit. They decided on 10 days. DH (Scottish/Northern England) is not very positive on her (“too loudmouth, argumentative American” as there was an incident at her 2nd wedding) but he’ll do anything for me.
They stayed for 10 days and it was hell for us. They expected all transportation (including a 4 hour trip to drop them-off/pick them up twice while I had to work), never lifted a finger as I was coming back to piles of dirty dishes/cups, never paid for anything for themselves nevermind us. The bill would arrive and they stare at it. After, about 5 days and various London amusements and expensive restaurants “they had to try” I had spend way over 1K and had to put a stop to it. I ended up cooking at home and dealing with the mess. I’m not poor but I’m not one to spend £500 on Marcus Wareing dinner and not bat an eyelid.
My AIBU is this a cultural thing? I know plenty of NYorkers but none that close. Is it normal for them to visit and expect everything paid for? They arrived empty handed despite her big career in fashion where she picks 100’s of freebies (posts them on FB). Not even a crappy souvenir from the NY.
I’m from the Med and the Arab World so I have different beliefs of visiting and staying with friends but even for British standards, I felt used like a hotel. They didn’t even SAY thank you at all which pissed off my husband. Not a single thank you.
It left a bad taste in my mouth and I dunno if it’s a cultural US thing or I’m expecting too much to Middle Eastern hospitality and I shouldn’t.
AIBU?

The fact that you allowed this to happen is beyond comprehension. £1k spent in 5 days? You must have plenty of spare money!
Most situations like this can be avoided by just speaking up.

A definite CF, I've managed to acquire one also, originates from North Carolina she's been coming since she was a teenager, now late thirties. I won't have her stay with me anymore, but she's managed to acquire other people to host her. This one has got it down to a fine art, travels the world bumming off people.

Proper sugar and vinegar personality, she's obnoxious but if you have a big house or car she's all over you like a rash.

Not cultural. My English SILs who moved abroad in their early 20s behave like this.

Expected full board and lodgings, no help wish dishes, left chaos behind them in bedrooms and bathrooms. Not so much as a bottle of wine or offer to buy a coffee or dc an ice cream.

It's just rude and entitled, ingrate behaviour. I put my foot down over putting them up 20 years ago.

Those saying be more assertive need to realise that when confronted with CF-ery like this it’s really hard, not because you don’t want to say anything but because you can hardly believe it’s happening and you are kind of waiting for them to make some kind of gesture. The longer it continues for the harder it is to say anything.

An old school friend stayed with me last summer and it was hell. In retrospect I’d only been friends with her as I’d started at that school at a weird time and she immediately latched on to me. I’d been so busy with boyfriends etc I’d barely noticed her. She arrived with nothing, made no comments about the beautiful area I live in (a national park), never offered to help in anyway, or even said how delicious a meal was I’d cooked (perhaps it wasn’t, but you get the gist). Stuck with what to do with her I took her to my caravan on the coast. On the journey she said she never ate in McDonalds so we had to eat at an expensive restaurant, paid for by me, shopping for food she wanted only good quality expensive things, yes, again paid for my me, when we arrived at the caravan she wouldn’t get out of the car to open the gate, nor did she attempt to get her luggage out. It was totally surreal. I cooked, washed up, took her everywhere I could think of that would be interesting, and in the entire time she paid for one piece of cake, because she’d really wanted it. At the end she pulled out some squashed fudge that she’d bought her husband as “he probably won’t like it” and gave it to me. That was only 5 days, so 10 would be excruciating.

The longer it goes on for the more difficult it is to say anything. I reckon CF rely on this and use it to their advantage.

I think I'd be inclined to be very hard-headed and arrange to visit them in NYC. You might as well salvage something from what they've put you through before cutting ties.

I'd behave just a little better than they did, but not a lot. I don't expect they'll be prepared to ferry you to and from the airport and take you out to expensive meals, they sound like freeloaders. I'd take enormous pleasure, once home, in writing a really scathing email saying how sad and disappointed I was that they hadn't offered me the hospitality that they had expected me to provide and that I was cutting ties. If there's anyone else from your past they might be inclined to leach off I might even BCC them in as a warning.

In my experience Americans and Canadians are generous. My problem at the moment is a whole generation of Australian and New Zealand youngsters (offspring of various Antipodean cousins) who seem to expect an all-expenses paid fortnight or more with me.

Your friendship is based on you treating her, she's forgetting that it was for business. Yes - I think that this is just how she views you - a bottomless purse, and it never entered her head that there's a big difference between a company credit card and hosting someone at home.

She was massively rude, and if anything, behaved contrary to what most people's experience of American guests are like. My husband is American and while hospitality is a big deal, equally there seems to be an emphasis on generosity from guests (which often leads to very tense stand-offs in restaurants when the bill comes!).

I've hosted American and specifically some NY friends several times and been hosted by them. This is so far from the norm that it's laughable, I've had arguments (not vicious ones obviously, lol) because they won't let us help or pay, so much so I've said "if you don't let me help I'll be too uncomfortable to ever come back!", In a sweeping generalisation... American's, for all their faults this certainly isn't one of them.

I don't have any sympathy for you OP. A couple of days of it maybe, but you let them do that for a week? No wonder your DH wasn't keen for them to come in the first place.

It's definitely not a cultural thing, it's a bad manners thing, they completely took the piss, how rude, don't have them back OP!

LOL PatnotPending;
Sure, you would use your annual leave to make an expensive flight to stay with people you don’t like, who probably wouldn’t reciprocate any hosting, just so you could write a passive aggressive e mail?

My mums american cousin did this-came over let everyone else pay for his meals and his wife, when we went over there he just sat there looking at the bill till someone else paid for it-not saying its americans because mostly theyre very generous-some people are just massive cfs

Did She think it was still on your expenses 😂🙈

I can see how hard it must have been for you to speak up.
Ive had something similar but not as bad ,an example as we got to the cash till there was an expectation for me to pay she had a lot of items from M and S bras ,underwear ,nighties thoes sort of things,I would only purchase these with an offer anyway,I stood refusing to meet eye contact with the cashier.I had had enough by now

Made myself scarce as I do have a busy home life. On her departure I got her a mini cab so she would have to pay her fare, instead of an uber and waved her off,never ever again.
In saying this she did send a very nice email thanking me.
I have cut her off completely.

Nah - she’s just a user.

They sound awful - what a grim visit. The one thing I'd say is I agree with previous posters about the long drive to pick up and drop off - our in-laws in America would have expected to be collected in person by car at an airport and would have been taken aback at the idea of taking public transport (but they were from a region with v. poor public transport). And in fairness, google maps now basically walks you from the airport to the bus stop - it's really easy. Sounds like they are just plain cfs.

No way. We have friends from NY and they’re really generous.

Definite cfs, I have lots of US friends, none would behave like this!! I have one 'friend' from Uni who would behave in this way, we lived together for about 3months, that was way too long. I'd say this is a personality type (narcissist?) rather than a cultural thing, they exist in all cultures unfortunately.

Users like to hide behind “culture” although I don’t know if they were saying oh we are visiting so of course you should pay of if you just did it. It’s not culture anyway

They're definitely just piss-taking bastards.

Oh, I would dump her sorry ass.
She sounds like a greedy, selfish, freeloading nightmare

DH (Scottish/Northern England) is not very positive on her (“too loudmouth, argumentative American” as there was an incident at her 2nd wedding)

Would love to know about the ‘incident’ (blatant nosiness!)

Send her an email saying that you are sad after their trip. Tell her that you feel your generosity has been taken advantage of. Tell her that whilst you loved having her to visit that you spent an awful lot of money and did think she would have contributed a share. If she's any decent friend she will send you a cheque.

As an American I can safely say this is not cultural! Cf! I would be the one buying dinners for you as a thank you for a free bed!! I'm planning a trip home now, I plan on paying their way if we go out.

YANBU.

Cultural my arse!

She is a CF of the highest order, and so are her DHs. And like a pp said, I hate it when people hide behind 'cultural reasons' as an excuse for a certain type of behaviour.

FWIW @Henrysmycat you sound amazing, and a lovely friend. I would welcome a friend like you ANY day of the week.

I have to agree with a pp though, even though you sound lovely, I would never have done what you did. (Constantly spending on some greedy, entitled, CF.) I would have pulled the plug much earlier on, so maybe you should have stopped enabling her a long time ago... but it's done now.

By the way, I have had friends from all over the world over the years.. People I met at work, neighbours, colleagues of my DH, friends of my children, friends of my brother and other family members, and penpals who I went to stay with or who came to stay with me...

Places they're from include: USA, Germany, Scandinavia, Australia, Spain, Portugal, France, Poland, New Zealand, Philippines, Estonia, Peru, Ireland, Canada, Russia, China, Nigeria, Ghana, South Africa, and Namibia. There are probably more... I am still friends/in touch with with many of them. Although I don't see some of them a lot, as some of them have moved on now, I do see some of them fairly regularly.

Although I know this happens (what your friends have done to you,) as it's happened to you, and a few others on this thread, I have never experienced such rude and entitled behaviour from people like this.

Indeed many of them are been rather generous.

And as many posters have said, Americans tend to be generous, rather than mean! And also welcoming and kind. And I'm not just saying that. I know a few Americans, and the ones I know are funny, kind, and generous.

Time to put this friendship in the toilet and flush. 3 or 4 times to make sure.