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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cultural thing or is my DFriend a CF?

217 replies

Henrysmycat · 08/09/2019 06:10

About 15 years ago, I was working in another European capital and I got close to a colleague from the US. We were 2 of the few females in the office.

I was on a huge package with very generous extras that included entertaining clients and some colleagues. So, if I took clients for some drinks/meal, I included her and paid for her. She was always up for a freebie as she was saying. I stood by her while her first marriage broke down during that time as well.

The secondment finished, we both returned home (London for me and NYC for her) We maintain a friendship via Social Media/phone/email and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding 2 years ago.
Roll on to this summer and we agreed for her and her DH to visit. They decided on 10 days. DH (Scottish/Northern England) is not very positive on her (“too loudmouth, argumentative American” as there was an incident at her 2nd wedding) but he’ll do anything for me.
They stayed for 10 days and it was hell for us. They expected all transportation (including a 4 hour trip to drop them-off/pick them up twice while I had to work), never lifted a finger as I was coming back to piles of dirty dishes/cups, never paid for anything for themselves nevermind us. The bill would arrive and they stare at it. After, about 5 days and various London amusements and expensive restaurants “they had to try” I had spend way over 1K and had to put a stop to it. I ended up cooking at home and dealing with the mess. I’m not poor but I’m not one to spend £500 on Marcus Wareing dinner and not bat an eyelid.
My AIBU is this a cultural thing? I know plenty of NYorkers but none that close. Is it normal for them to visit and expect everything paid for? They arrived empty handed despite her big career in fashion where she picks 100’s of freebies (posts them on FB). Not even a crappy souvenir from the NY.
I’m from the Med and the Arab World so I have different beliefs of visiting and staying with friends but even for British standards, I felt used like a hotel. They didn’t even SAY thank you at all which pissed off my husband. Not a single thank you.
It left a bad taste in my mouth and I dunno if it’s a cultural US thing or I’m expecting too much to Middle Eastern hospitality and I shouldn’t.
AIBU?

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 08/09/2019 07:07

I've always found Americans to be the opposite - always very generous. It certainly isn't a cultural thing to behave like this. They are just CFs.

ChildminderMum · 08/09/2019 07:07

Why did you pay for everything and provide transport if you didn't want to?

The first time they stared at the bill I'd have said, "We'll get this one and you can get the next one, ok?"

Buy just your own tickets for attractions!

Why didn't you say you couldn't provide transport? Direct them towards taxis/car hire/public transport?

Paying for everything and taking them everywhere apparently happily, and then grumbling about how awful they are afterwards, seems like a weird and passive aggressive way to treat good friends.

flumpybear · 08/09/2019 07:08

Sounds like a professional scrounger and entitled fucker- maybe you should visit them and do the same!

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 08/09/2019 07:10

I grew up in NY, and no, this is not normal! Quite the opposite.

gingersausage · 08/09/2019 07:11

I don’t understand situations like this. You are obviously an intelligent and assertive woman if you have the sort of job where you earn megabucks and travel the world with a huge expense account, yet you let yourself get walked over by a random acquaintance.

When the restaurant bill comes, you say “I think it’s your turn this time”. When they want to go somewhere, you tell them where the station is or ask incredulously why they don’t have the Uber app. I don’t think guests should be doing housework, but on the other hand, when they leave their shit everywhere make a joke about it being the maid’s day off.

I know you are only venting, but honestly how did you get so far in life by being so wet?

Thatsnotmyname4291 · 08/09/2019 07:14

But realistically she’s been like this all the time. She said herself that she was always up for a freebie when you worked with her. Even then she was taking advantage - the only difference is that now it’s coming out of your own pocket and not expenses. To her it’s no different.

Sack her. She’s a shit friend. And tell her as well why you’re sacking her.

ivykaty44 · 08/09/2019 07:16

When are you visiting NYC for the return hospitality?

ShippingNews · 08/09/2019 07:19

I was on a huge package with very generous extras that included entertaining clients and some colleagues. So, if I took clients for some drinks/meal, I included her and paid for her

Maybe the early experience set the scene. You were living large on your expense account - maybe you gave her the impression that you are happy to pay for everything . Just a thought.

EleanorReally · 08/09/2019 07:22

definitely cancel any future plans with them, or, if you want to teach them a lesson, and they come again, ground rules in place, no free loading.
or write her a letter to explain how disappointed your were in her free loading attitude.

Original poster
Henrysmycat · 08/09/2019 07:22

@Gingersausage, ouch that’s harsh. I am rather intelligent academically (PhD) and have great ideas and solutions to work problems. I’m not ‘wet’ at work because it’s work. It takes a lot for me to make friends hence why she walked all over me.

I let it go for so many days because I gave her the benefit of the doubt that in the end it never came.

OP posts:
gingersausage · 08/09/2019 07:31

@Henrysmycat sorry, it wasn’t supposed to be, I should have used the word passive.

Caucho · 08/09/2019 07:33

She might have assumed you were loaded because of the huge package you had at the time which of course is stupid as secondees often enjoy something which on way face of it to be very generous but that’s because it’s temporary. Don’t think it matters or an excuse anyway. Even if they mistakenly thought you were better off than you are that only explains why they seemed more comfortable with you picking up the bill. Doesn’t cover being rude, leaving mess for you to clear up and not even offering a thanks

porkypine · 08/09/2019 07:39

@Henrysmycat - have you heard from them since they returned to the US? Rude CF doesn't even begin to cover it.

LoveThatJazz · 08/09/2019 07:40

Fucking hell that's so rude of them!

Do they think you're absolutely minted? As in mega bucks rich?

I have friends (a couple) who happen to be very, very well off. They've told me so many stories where they get close to new 'friends' only for the new friends to show themselves as CF's when they just expect my friends to pay at expensive restaurants; ordering expensive wine and lobster. I wouldn't have believed it but it happens so often.

Exactly like you describe, the CFs just stare at the bill and do nothing!

I'd never dream of not going 50/50, no matter what someone else earns. It's disrespectful, entitled and unbelievably rude.

everyonecaneffoff · 08/09/2019 07:55

Not an American thing - just CF thing.
I've met a lot of Americans over the years and found them to be extremely generous - to the extent of not letting you pay for anything if you're not really firm with them.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 08/09/2019 07:57

I had a similar weird situation recently but it was my family and two friends. They seemed to expect me and my husband to pay for everything, as well as host.

It was very weird and awkward.

adriennewillfly · 08/09/2019 08:01

They think you are loaded, and don't care about the money. Here's where you went wrong - after paying for one expensive thing, you then suggest halves for anything further. As soon as you get taken advantage of once, you will then be continually taken advantage of.

RoseReally · 08/09/2019 08:06

I had an American friend stay for the weekend a few years ago, and she did exactly the same thing. If we went out she just stared at the bill - didn't pay for anything at all. We weren't very close so I assumed that she was really broke and too embarrassed to tell us. I did also wonder whether it was a cultural thing though. She isn't from NY.

SallyWD · 08/09/2019 08:09

I've had American friends stay and they've never been like this. Always happy to share the cost, help out etc.

Yabbers · 08/09/2019 08:11

but even for British standards, I felt used like a hotel

What the hell is this supposed to mean? “Even for British Standards”?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/09/2019 08:14

If you asked whether your Jewish/ black/ Scottish friend was behaving like this for 'cultural' reasons, you would get a lot of flack

But she didn't, did she? She asked about this particular couple. Take about grasping!

OP this is simply about personalities; some people use others. They're tight shits who you need to ensure stay in hotels next time they visit.

bunnypenny · 08/09/2019 08:14

@yabbers the Brits are known for their hospitality but this went beyond that

TanMateix · 08/09/2019 08:20

Not cultural at all. Their behaviour is the opposite of American. They normally show with food or gifts that shows they care, they won’t allow you to pay if they are staying in their house and it normally takes a bit of a fight to grab the bill.

The were more than cheeky, I wouldn’t have them around ever again.

bunnypenny · 08/09/2019 08:20

@PurrBox given that some of the characteristics that you have listed complete arsehole characteristics that those from the US are (apparently) known for, it’s reasonable for the OP to ask if this is another. Don’t try to make it out to be some form of racism. 🙄

TanMateix · 08/09/2019 08:21

Sorry, if they are staying in YOUR house.

But I guess you CF are present in any culture of the world.