Cultural thing or is my DFriend a CF?

[Henrysmycat]

About 15 years ago, I was working in another European capital and I got close to a colleague from the US. We were 2 of the few females in the office.

I was on a huge package with very generous extras that included entertaining clients and some colleagues. So, if I took clients for some drinks/meal, I included her and paid for her. She was always up for a freebie as she was saying. I stood by her while her first marriage broke down during that time as well.

The secondment finished, we both returned home (London for me and NYC for her) We maintain a friendship via Social Media/phone/email and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding 2 years ago.
Roll on to this summer and we agreed for her and her DH to visit. They decided on 10 days. DH (Scottish/Northern England) is not very positive on her (“too loudmouth, argumentative American” as there was an incident at her 2nd wedding) but he’ll do anything for me.
They stayed for 10 days and it was hell for us. They expected all transportation (including a 4 hour trip to drop them-off/pick them up twice while I had to work), never lifted a finger as I was coming back to piles of dirty dishes/cups, never paid for anything for themselves nevermind us. The bill would arrive and they stare at it. After, about 5 days and various London amusements and expensive restaurants “they had to try” I had spend way over 1K and had to put a stop to it. I ended up cooking at home and dealing with the mess. I’m not poor but I’m not one to spend £500 on Marcus Wareing dinner and not bat an eyelid.
My AIBU is this a cultural thing? I know plenty of NYorkers but none that close. Is it normal for them to visit and expect everything paid for? They arrived empty handed despite her big career in fashion where she picks 100’s of freebies (posts them on FB). Not even a crappy souvenir from the NY.
I’m from the Med and the Arab World so I have different beliefs of visiting and staying with friends but even for British standards, I felt used like a hotel. They didn’t even SAY thank you at all which pissed off my husband. Not a single thank you.
It left a bad taste in my mouth and I dunno if it’s a cultural US thing or I’m expecting too much to Middle Eastern hospitality and I shouldn’t.
AIBU?

All inclusive holiday with no payment or thanks for services rendered.
When are you going to NYC, OP?

We have American relatives and dd went to stay with them for a fortnight last year. They wouldn't let her pay for anything.
When they come over here, it is the same thing, they are adamant that they will pay for us if we go out to dinner, and they make every effort to be the best guests possible.

So I think it is your friend. She got used to you paying for everything on your expense account years ago and expects the same now.

Definitely a CF.

There is no way I would be a guest in someone's home and expect them to pay for everything. If anything, I would try my hardest to pay for THEM where possible, or even cook something for them, to show how grateful I was.

Definitely not an American thing. All the Americans I’ve met have been very generous and hospitable. Cheeky fuckers are to be found in every country.

Oh you have to do the return visit!

Imagine the live cf revenge thread!

#TeamDoIt

It totally depends on the guests. I had 2 sets of US relatives visiting in the same year and they couldn't have been more different.

One set were very keen to go out and do their own thing and had brought along a load of snack bars so that they wouldn't trouble us meal wise and also treated us to a takeaway.

The other set were lovely as well, but there was very much an expectation that I would make meals for them - and expected US staples like OJ and salad dressing to be readily available,and join them for sightseeing - I'm happy to go along but as I've seen the sights a gazillion times what I tend to do is go to the venue but not go in and mooch around shops instead rather than paying exorbitant - and they seemed slightly put out by this. I also gave up our own bedroom for the last few nights as our futon was uncomfortable. They were very insistent that I got up at 4am to wave them off. They were and are very dear relatives but it was quite an effort to host them.

So I suppose the answer is that it totally depends on the visitors.

Given that you probably don’t want to stay friends with these people, why not send them an itemised bill for their stay with you? I know they’d never actually pay but I think they might understand you’re not best pleased.

I think it's extra difficult when you live somewhere seen as desirable and expensive...

I grew up on an area like this... My grandma had left the east end and her huge family.... Form about Feb onwards there would be out of the blue letters... Hinting at a seaside break (free at her non-hotel home!).

Some relatives were delightful... Others were like your guests....

When we lived at a holiday destination... After a few minor cheeky fucker instances we made it very clear what we'd provide....

Here's a map to get to us... Well have breakfast with you, we may (not) come with y9u out to your days out... But equally we may decide (to escape!) to not come...

This was after we had several European guests stay who had invited themselves and had expected us to use our holiday leave to chauffeur them aroubf the region and see the paid attractions (for the 9th time)

3 words...cut them loose!!

Your life will be in no way adversely affected by not having these massive cheeky fuckers in it!!

Definitely not cultural, they are just freeloaders.

Personally if I was visiting guest and they were working all day I would cook a meal for them. As long as this was ok with them, some people prefer others to keep out of their kitchen.

Definitely a ‘her’ thing rather than an NYC thing, she took the piss out of you!

I am just wondering if they made a genuine offer to the OP for the OP and husband to visit them and that they would return the favor?

It doesn't excuse the scale of the experience but may go some way to mitigating it.

Hi, American here, just wanted to say that their behavior is appalling to me and it is DEFINITELY not acceptable to act that way in our culture. Showing up empty handed? Staying 10 days and expecting to be waited on? Not offering to pay for meals out and entertainment? No one i know would do those things. I'm embarrassed that anyone would perceive it to be an "american" thing. Also, there are loud mouthed people in all countries. Also not something that's a U.S. thing. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with these friends.

@MildThing – don't have annual leave issues, would obviously choose a reasonably-priced flight to NY and would expect accommodation at the least for a week in NYC. I'd give them a chance to redeem themselves and if they didn't, it wouldn't be a passive-aggressive email they'd receive, it would be an assertive one. Nothing passive about it.

I host people most months and I know how much hard work, physical and emotional, goes into it – let alone the financial cost of entertaining, feeding and ferrying around. When people take it for granted or set out with the intention of ripping you off it really hurts.

I have houseguests from far away coming next month, who I already suspect have similar intentions to OP’s mates.

This thread has motivated me to be firm from the get-go.

If they stare pointedly at the bill, or direct their gaze elsewhere while whistling, I can assure you that it will be a looong night. It’ll be interesting to see how much awkward it takes for them to reach wallet-wards. I think I can ignore the bill for about eleventy-billion years, in that scenario. Or instantly tuck in my share in cash, and let the waiter do the pointed staring. At them.

Agree with all who said definitely not cultural!! I'm American, and would never in a million years go visit friends without a small gift, lots of helping in the kitchen, clubbing in for booze/groceries, and would make it a point to take my hosts out for at least one nice "thank you" meal on us. I'd be mortified if I behaved the way your friends did, op!

Most of the Americans I've met (admittedly not many) have been extraordinarily generous people.

Your friends are just CFs.

Definitely not typical. A good friend of mine often manages to get early flights so we can spend the weekend together before she has a week working over here. She always rocks up with piles of books as gifts for my daughter and I spend ages convincing her I’m plenty happy to pick her up from the airport. We then end up fighting for the bills and I have a similar argument convincing her I’m happy to drive her to her hotel for the week on a Sunday night. She’s more than happy to take public transport but I pick her up because I want to maximise my time with her. Your guests sound very different and as if they intended to come and use you for every bit they could get away with. I’m so sorry, they sound as if they’re not really your friend.

Wow, OP! Jury are proper CFs.
I lived in NY and did not encounter this.
I'd let her disappear off your radar. If she asks you why...TELL HER STRAIGHT!

She wont ask, she knows

I don’t know about the Americans but I have Iranian friends who do this. However - if we’re on ‘their territory’ ie at an Iranian restaurant or party then they want to pay for everything.

If you're not exaggerating I'd say they are indeed extremely cheeky fuckers!

Thanks for coming to visit us, unfortunately after you spent your whole holiday taking advantage of us financially, I no longer wish to have any contact with you.

We hosted you for x days and in that time you disrespected both myself, my husband and my home, not even a thank you at the end of the ordeal. It is completely unforgivable.

• I’m really sorry that they took advantage of you Op, some people are disgusting and greed is a really ugly trait.

It is rude to make this a cultural thing.
and why the dig at "even for British Standards" we are all different.
You don't have a British Standard........
Lucky you didn't make this post even worse....

I've lived in the US & UK. Haven't lived in NYC but have stayed with various friends there many, many times (does that make me the CF? )

I'd say the norms in the 2 countries are very similar - a good guest mucks in and - unless young and impoverished - takes the hosts out for a meal if staying for more than a night or so. If young and impoverished, at least buys the hosts gifts and does the washing up etc.

.

@goldfinchfan stop nitpicking.

Plenty of us understood what she means without getting offended.