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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cultural thing or is my DFriend a CF?

217 replies

Henrysmycat · 08/09/2019 06:10

About 15 years ago, I was working in another European capital and I got close to a colleague from the US. We were 2 of the few females in the office.

I was on a huge package with very generous extras that included entertaining clients and some colleagues. So, if I took clients for some drinks/meal, I included her and paid for her. She was always up for a freebie as she was saying. I stood by her while her first marriage broke down during that time as well.

The secondment finished, we both returned home (London for me and NYC for her) We maintain a friendship via Social Media/phone/email and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding 2 years ago.
Roll on to this summer and we agreed for her and her DH to visit. They decided on 10 days. DH (Scottish/Northern England) is not very positive on her (“too loudmouth, argumentative American” as there was an incident at her 2nd wedding) but he’ll do anything for me.
They stayed for 10 days and it was hell for us. They expected all transportation (including a 4 hour trip to drop them-off/pick them up twice while I had to work), never lifted a finger as I was coming back to piles of dirty dishes/cups, never paid for anything for themselves nevermind us. The bill would arrive and they stare at it. After, about 5 days and various London amusements and expensive restaurants “they had to try” I had spend way over 1K and had to put a stop to it. I ended up cooking at home and dealing with the mess. I’m not poor but I’m not one to spend £500 on Marcus Wareing dinner and not bat an eyelid.
My AIBU is this a cultural thing? I know plenty of NYorkers but none that close. Is it normal for them to visit and expect everything paid for? They arrived empty handed despite her big career in fashion where she picks 100’s of freebies (posts them on FB). Not even a crappy souvenir from the NY.
I’m from the Med and the Arab World so I have different beliefs of visiting and staying with friends but even for British standards, I felt used like a hotel. They didn’t even SAY thank you at all which pissed off my husband. Not a single thank you.
It left a bad taste in my mouth and I dunno if it’s a cultural US thing or I’m expecting too much to Middle Eastern hospitality and I shouldn’t.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Ndotto · 09/09/2019 19:05

Wow, they sound awful. We have just been to stay with American cousins in Boston (so not NY but East Coast, similar) and they were so lovely and hospitable I was embarrassed - we kept leaping in to wash up, offer to cook, begged them to let us take them out and buy them dinner etc, tried to foot the bill in supermarkets and ice cream shops etc because we didn't want them to think we were taking them for granted - and I am sure if they came to stay with us they would just muck in and be the same. Your friend is definitely a CF.

Vivianebrookskoviak · 09/09/2019 19:08

I definitely don't think it's cultural but now I'm starting to wonder about a friend I've got supposedly coming(nothing said for months) and I'm hoping the attitude isnt the same. It probably isnt and your friend needs to be dropped.

Daffodil2018 · 09/09/2019 19:11

This is the opposite of my usual experience with American friends and colleagues - I generally find them incredibly generous. I think she is a CF!

DanceItOut · 09/09/2019 19:15

Whilst they are clearly CFs the meals situation could've been sorted easily. When you got the first bill for the first meal out you just say "did you want to split the bill or just take turns paying for meals?" That way you are giving them a clear sign that you will not be their meal ticket to be abused but also willing to pay for that first meal. After that they would have to actually that's no about where they wanted to go for meals and reassess if they didn't want to pay for expensive places.

simiisme · 09/09/2019 19:16

Not cultural. Just cheeky freeloaders, found in every part of the world.
Time to call it a day.

Tinkerbelle57 · 09/09/2019 19:16

She is a cheeky rude fucker !!
Doesn’t matter where in the world you are from, you don’t behave like that and expect your host to pay for everything.
When out and about you should pay or at least offer and treat your host for letting you stay with them.
I have US relatives that come over to UK regular. They don’t stay with us, they stay in hotels. When we meet up it’s difficult to pay for anything because they won’t let us. The last time we were out in London 3 or 4 people kept putting their credit cards down and the poor waiter didn’t know which one to take. 🤣🤣 so it’s not a US thing. They are just tight fisted liberty takers.

CottonSock · 09/09/2019 19:19

Nope. All the Americans I know are very generous. I'm sorry op but there is no excuse for your c.f. friend

Tinkerbelle57 · 09/09/2019 19:22

A friend of mine had a German pen pal come to UK and stay with her.
She didn’t lift a finger, laid around in bed half the day and didn’t pay for a thing.
However, I know not all Germans are like this just like not all Americans or British. It’s just the person.

Ayemama · 09/09/2019 19:22

Friend is a total CF, no way around it

katers85 · 09/09/2019 19:27

My husband would say it’s cultural, sister in law is from New York and doesn’t seem to consider others or say thank you. I on the other hand would say it’s just rude people. Maybe they’re are just more rude people in New York lol

EllenMP · 09/09/2019 19:30

This is definitely not cultural. As an American and a New Yorker I can attest that this is weird. First it's weird to stay in someone's house for 10 days. Way too long. New Yorkers, living in small apartments, are all to aware that a long weekend is all that is reasonable.

Second, a hostess gift is essential for an overnight stay, as is buying the host at least one meal. And certainly splitting any other restaurant meals. New Yorkers eat out most of the time, so going Dutch is the standard there. Restaurants there ask when you sit down if you want one check or separate checks.

Third, making a mess in someone's house while they are gone is not acceptable in any culture.

Americans may have loud voices and tip too much but unhelpful or ungrateful they are gennerally not.

XXcstatic · 09/09/2019 19:31

They couldn’t offer any money as they can’t convert USD to GBS. I’ve yet to meet an American who can

Fortunately, Boris is fixing that by bringing them to parity...

Cobblersandhogwash · 09/09/2019 19:33

When you went to her wedding, did you get treated well as guests?

beanaseireann · 09/09/2019 19:34

XXcstatic
GrinGrinGrin

MaeveDidIt · 09/09/2019 19:44

@Henrysmycat
You come across as extremely superior and very ignorant if you think only people from the Med and Arab World are aware of manners/etiquette when staying with friends.

They've simply taken you and your DH for complete mugs and sadly you both let them!!

DoctorAllcome · 09/09/2019 19:50

I’m American, on East Coast/ New England. No, they were being very very rude to you. Not the behavior of a friend at all. New Yorkers are known for their rudeness but this takes the cake.
Generally if you go on vacation and stay with a friends-
1)you at least treat them to one fancy dinner.
2) you either buy your own groceries or pick up the bill for every other trip to the grocery store while there
3) you always offer to help out,,,usually by doing dishes if host cooked
4) if they are taking you to/from airport you offer and usually pay their parking costs and towards gas. Also offer to pay for gas if you are not renting a car and they are driving you everywhere.
5) you always assume you pay your own admission to tourist places unless your hosts offer it as a treat
6) you usually bring a gift to give to them as a thank you for their hospitality.

TriciaH87 · 09/09/2019 19:50

I would first contact her saying your coming to NYC for 2 weeks. Gage their reaction. When they freak out thinking it will cost them tell her you feel you were used as a hotel and travel guide as well as a cash point. You feel that as they at no point offered to pay their own way or even offered a thank you its time to call an end to the friendship as clearly you are not valued. Shame on them.

DoctorAllcome · 09/09/2019 20:04

@MaeveDidIt
”You [OP] come across as extremely superior and very ignorant if you think only people from the Med and Arab World are aware of manners/etiquette when staying with friends.”

Hey now, that’s uncalled for. I think the OP was right to ask the question because there ARE cultural differences in manners and etiquette when staying with friends. It would have been ignorant if the OP had made assumptions. She was right to give them the benefit of the doubt....although I admit I would have sought advice by day 2 and not waited until after they had left....

BooseysMom · 09/09/2019 20:04

I'd 'lose contact' with them rapidly.

...But only after insisting they host you and DH for ten days and you then simply stare at the bills every time they appear until they cough up. Any backlash from that you just deal with there and then reminding them (whilst smiling in a nice friendly way) that you paid it all when they stayed so presumed it would be their turn. You're better off doing that than ranting in a email which you can revert to if they're not forthcoming in returning the hospitality.
God i'm glad i haven't got friends!! Hmm

vincettenoir · 09/09/2019 20:08

They do sound like CFs but it’s a shame that you find it easier to cut them off rather than to find the guts to stop bankrolling them at some point during a full 10 days.

I also agree with those who have pointed out racist to ask if this is a cultural thing.

Iflyaway · 09/09/2019 20:11

Sorry Op. They are freeloaders. And they sound totally awful.

Lesson learned.

Been there, done that, never again.

7salmonswimming · 09/09/2019 20:14

She told you she loves a freebie, guess she's putting your money where her mouth is

KarmaStar · 09/09/2019 20:15

If you have the nerve,fly to see them and do exactly the same to them then cut contact.😀
Failing that I'd just stop contact and never respond.
She won't need to ask why,she'll know an was a very c.f..

MaeveDidIt · 09/09/2019 20:16

@DoctorAllcome
So what are the cultural (and obviously superior) differences exactly?

Because I am British and I go way over and above when I am a guest staying with friends.

Leaannb · 09/09/2019 20:26

As an american they were being incredibly rude even for New Yorkers