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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your views on Attachment Parenting

220 replies

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 17:38

I was wondering what the MN Jury thinks of this.

I am a little on the fence. I breastfed all my DC for years but did not co-sleep and did controlled crying with one of them.

Just interested to hear people's views.

OP posts:
Me2you3 · 05/09/2019 17:40

I didn't pick any particular style of parenting, I just went with whatever felt right, so some of it might be considered 'attachment', and some whatever the opposite to that is. Not really sure why everything has to be labelled these days

Beesandcheese · 05/09/2019 17:40

Not everything works for everyone? I am definitely not into following one parental theory in a blinkered way. Parenting does require a lot of compromises

Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 17:40

And I definitely didn't wear my babies in slings all day long...

OP posts:
Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 17:41

I fully agree that styles of parenting do not need to be labelled, but AP does seem to be an exception as its adherents like to talk about it.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 17:42

Breastfed to 3.8, co-slept, sling user, didn’t do controlled crying.

Not because of a label, because as a parent I did what worked for us.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 05/09/2019 17:45

I'm not one for following the crowd or the latest trend. I just followed my instincts and did whatever felt best at the time.

haveuheard · 05/09/2019 17:48

The ecstatic birth stuff makes me think they are all crazy despite the fact that I used slings, bf until 16 months and am a SAHM. In the past women didn't have wonderful ecstatic birth experiences before medicalisation ripped that away from them. In the past something like 40% of women died in or just after childbirth.
attachmentparenting.co.uk/project/a-guide-to-ecstatic-birth/

RushianDisney · 05/09/2019 17:48

Same as others, we did what felt right, which included extended breastfeeding, cosleeping and slings. I never left DD to cry and she hasn't ever been in a formal childcare setting yet at 3. But I hadn't read any books on the subject, I didn't have a plan or set out to do 'attachment parenting', I knew I would do whatever worked best for us.

Sadly a lot of the people who follow AP principles are a bit like vegans and feel the need to tell everyone constantly why they do what they do. Which makes them look like dicks even if I think what they are doing is positive.

Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 17:49

I think that we all have to do what works for us.

I get upset when some people argue that controlled crying is really bad for babies/toddlers.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 17:51

I know one woman who argued that AP would stop her toddler from having tantrums.

It didn't and she was shocked.

OP posts:
Bluewavescrashing · 05/09/2019 17:52

I didn't breastfeed past the first few days due to supply issues as I have pcos. We could have persevered but I chose not to to preserve my mental health. I had insomnia and postnatal anxiety. My youngest was in a sling for 8 hours a day at least. He was a very cuddly baby and we both loved it. I've never co slept due to anxiety about squashing them. I know it can be done safely but it wasn't for me. We did a mix of puree and finger foods. Our routines were quite set, bedtime was structured etc but we have relaxed this now they are older. We used nursery part time when I was working after maternity leave.
A mix, generally--what worked for us all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2019 17:54

I get upset when some people argue that controlled crying is really bad for babies/toddlers.

Why? If you felt it was right for you, why do you care what other people think?

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 17:54

Is this really a thread because of controlled crying guilt?

Bluewavescrashing · 05/09/2019 17:54

We did controlled crying when my greedy 20 month old still wanted bottles of milk in the night. First night he screamed for 10 minutes, second night 5 minutes, third night we were in a new non milky routine and ditched the bottles forever. I wouldn't do CC with young babies but we always put them down in the cot or moses basket awake and sleepy. Luckily we didn't ever have to walk them around at night as they settled themselves.

Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 17:56

@JacquesHammer

No. It really isn't about controlled crying guilt. I am genuinely interested in people's views.

I have mentioned the CC issue because it seems to be something that AP are very against.

I had no qualms about doing it at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 17:57

I only had to do CC with DD1 (at age 14 months) and got the subsequent three DC into a routine (without feeding to sleep) so did n't have to do it with them.

OP posts:
merrygoround51 · 05/09/2019 17:57

Absolute rod for your own back

Baguetteaboutit · 05/09/2019 17:57

I think attachment parenting is a great way to get babies to toddler years with less stress, I don't think it bestows any magical lifelong benefits.

Marinetta · 05/09/2019 17:58

I do a mixture with my son depending on what mood he is in. Sometimes he will stay in the sling for hours, other times he wants out after 10 minutes. I'm actually anti cosleeping but for the past few weeks have been doing it because the baby was waking up too regularly in his cot and sleeps for longer in the bed. I don't think it's about strictly following one method of parenting but rather taking it day by day and doing what is best for mother and child based on the circumstances.

BelleSausage · 05/09/2019 17:58

It matters not a jot.

I listened to a great science podcast that debunked all the woo around attachment parenting. Essentially, most children attach well with no extra intervention from parents. You don’t need to BF, baby wear or co-sleep to form good attachments.

The children who don’t attach well come from traumatic homes.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 17:58

I know one woman who argued that AP would stop her toddler from having tantrums

We’ve got to almost 13 with no tantrums! Who knows whether that was due to “AP” or not!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/09/2019 17:58

I always went with the mantra of just doing what worked for us. DS1 wasn't a big hugger when he was born and liked to be swaddled and put to bed in his moses basket and slept there all night. DS2 was a hugger and would only sleep on us, so we went with it.

Both were breastfed, both were in our room til they were ready to leave (9 months with DS1, 6 years for DS2) and both are lovely, slightly ridiculous children.

The only thing I never did was controlled crying simply because their crying used to make me feel like crying. If it works for others, crack on, but it never felt like the right thing here. I suppose it wound sound as Attachment Parenting but I don't like those kinds of definitions for what we did; we just parented.

mbosnz · 05/09/2019 18:00

I didn't do controlled crying, I did pop them down, and let them grizzle themselves to sleep, but if it ramped up, then I went and went through the whole rigmarole again. My mil told me that when I popped them down in the morning, go and have a quick shower, because 9 times out of 10, by the time I got out, they'd have snuggied down to sleep. She wasn't wrong. I trusted her because she's the softest daftest thing out. Saved my sanity.

Breastfed until they self weaned.

Couldn't co-sleep - couldn't sleep in the same room. The merest snuffle and I was wide awake and spurting milk.

What we did worked for us and ours, and others will do theirs. Although the strongest adherents I know of AP are starting to find it a little wearing that it's now been a decade since they slept in their bed together, and without company. . .

Celebelly · 05/09/2019 18:03

I breastfeed but I don't enjoy co-sleeping. We both sleep better in our own beds! I don't baby wear much either as she weighs a ton and I have a bad back. I haven't had to sleep train except for some gentle disassociation from boob and bed as she sleeps well but I would if she started waking multiple times as we both need sleep and I'm not up for months and months of insane sleep deprivation and the idea of her rolling on and off my boob all night long makes me feel all touched out!

I think everyone just finds their own way, really.

choli · 05/09/2019 18:06

I used to frequent a US discussion group about attachment parenting. The competitive martyrdom was hilarious. "My 10 yr old has never been baby sat even by my family. I breastfed him until he was 8. He's homeschooled and is a genius as a result."