To ask your views on Attachment Parenting

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

I was wondering what the MN Jury thinks of this.

I am a little on the fence. I breastfed all my DC for years but did not co-sleep and did controlled crying with one of them.

Just interested to hear people's views.

I think it's very unhealthy; children need sleep and small children screaming through tiredness is awful to see and hear. After an terrible time with my first, we sleep trained DC2 and DC3 and they slept through from really early on and were contented happy babies.
Part of parenting is helping your small children to get what they need at at a young age it's simply food, sleep, stimulation and love.

We've also been exposed to attachment/unconditional/relaxed parenting methods etc at school and without exception the lax parenters have the poorly behaved children.

We've also been exposed to attachment/unconditional/relaxed parenting methods etc at school and without exception the lax parenters have the poorly behaved children

I wonder if this is everyone's experience?

I followed AP when my first baby was little. I liked it so I did mostly the same things with DC2 although it is now ten years later and I am secure enough in my parenting decisions not to worry about "methods" or theories etc. Changed some things. I put myself first a bit more, and don't feel guilty about that because I've realised how important it is.

I don't like controlled crying, I would not do it because I don't think it's respectful towards the child. I don't believe that they understand why you are leaving them/not comforting them and it seems cruel to me in that respect. But I don't think it's harmful, within the context of a loving family relationship of course it's not going to damage them.

I used a variety of methods when my dcs were babies...I wasn't one for the one size fits all labels. I co-slept with dc2, but not with dc1. I used a sling with dc2 (because there is only a year gap between dcs, and I needed 2 hands for active dc1!) I was so excited to breastfeed, but absolutely hated it, so both dcs were formula fed at around 4 months. I found CIO heartbreaking, and couldn't bring myself to do it. Both sides of family absolutely doted on both dcs, so I never had an issue leaving them to babysit now and then.
Everything I did when my dcs were babies were all within my comfort zone, worked for us, and I have zero guilt about anything. They are nearly teenagers now, and we are very close, they are happy and thriving, and they know they are loved and wanted. That's what we're all aiming for, right? So what does it matter how we get there?

The more sensible attachment parenting resources that I've come across simply boil down to "respond to your baby's needs". Which is an excellent message but it's not exactly inventing the wheel for most people. The less sensible ones seem to value process over substance (e.g. babywearing, co-sleeping and constant physical contact irrespective of the fact that that just doesn't work with some babies). One of the barmiest threads I've ever seen on a parenting website (not MN) was by a mother whose baby just hated babywearing, no matter how hard she tried to force it. She ended up having a meltdown and wailing that she couldn't use a buggy because she was an AP mama. Likewise, I've seen threads where mothers were trying to push co-sleeping on toddlers who wanted their own space, and fellow AP fans on the threads were telling them to stick to them guns and because no way would they ever give up on their "nighttime snuggles" without a battle. It's when the parenting style becomes an identity to that extent that I find it concerning.

Did you say “artificial feeding” OP? Are you being deliberately goady?

atalune Penelope Leach said that it didn't matter who you left your child with to go back to work, as long as it was one on one care - it was that the child benefitted from rather than care with the parent. As a working parent (by necessity) (and choice) I liked her view.

Isn't instinctive parenting (whichever school that is) the best parenting? you do what is best for your child because you know your child best. And you have to fit in with your other children, your work and your relationships too. Don't we all just muddle along?

Another here that has just done what felt right. Didn't bf 1st, but bf 2nd and 3rd for too long didn't do controlled crying, co slept with all of them. Wore 1st in a sling when he was unputdownable, but not for any length of time. I didn't follow any particular trend or idea, I just did what I needed to get by, but drew the line at any sort of forced sleeping method.

I didn’t follow any particular way of parenting. I just do what suits my child.
I breastfed, we still cosleep at 21mths and I strongly disagree with controlled crying. But I hated wearing the sling, and I’m really very proactive with behaviour and manners etc
Toddler DS is far from an angel but he’s pretty good, always says please and thank you, and we do our best to encourage kind behaviour and sharing and being considerate etc

No, of course not. I have plenty of friends who have followed AP type methods (you tend to pick them up when you hang around in hippy parenting circles) and their children range from well behaved to poorly behaved, like most children. It is parents who are reluctant to set boundaries who end up with poorly behaved children, it doesn't matter whether you set them strictly or in a gentle/respectful matter, and it is completely possible to do so by the way, although it does take a lot of patience.

However, I do think AP attracts some parents who are reluctant to initiate conflict/confrontation, including with their children and I don't think AP/gentle parenting (particularly once you get into discipline methods) works well for these parents. I know this is where I fell down. DS1 is apparently well behaved around other adults, but tends to be not great at home or school, which is an issue, although things have improved recently. I have been reading up about RIE which seems to be the latest "in" parenting style and while I find a lot of it quite ridiculous it does chime so much better with me in terms of discipline advice and boundaries. It's the piece of the puzzle I was missing essentially.

Don't we all just muddle along

I think we do.

Before our PFB arrives we have a lot of ideas about how we are going to parent but it isn't until we have the baby in our daily lives that we make the decisions regarding what works for us.

It is parents who are reluctant to set boundaries who end up with poorly behaved children

Agreed.

Maybe English is her 2nd language? formula milk is latte artificiale in mine.

I was going to be strict parent and scoffed at those who co-slept. My child would have a strict routine and I’d use CC if I need it.

Then I met DD.

I’d probably come closest to an AP parent, because that’s what suits DD. Breastfed til 2, co-sleep and I’m pretty responsive and have never left her to cry (apart from one failed attempt at ‘the disappearing chair’ which resulted in us both in tears after 3 hours and no closer to sleep). Didn’t use a carrier often as DD hated it, but she hated being put down so I pretty much held her for the first 12 weeks. She had gone to nursery since the age of 9 months though so if I was actually consciously following the AP ‘rules’ I’d have failed there! Haven’t read loads of parenting books but I do like the gentle parenting ones and how to talk so kids will listen; the principles make sense to me.

DD(2) is a happy independent confident little girl, who still comes into our bed but is doing so less of her own accord, and I think if I’d stuck to my original parenting ideas rather than going with my instinct than this wouldn’t be the case. However I do not believe that a parent who doesn’t follow AP will end up with a child with attachment problems or any other issues. I think most of us, unless we are neglectful or abusive, are pretty well placed to decide what works best for our own child.

I can’t help feeling (and apologies if I’m wrong) that the OP has started this thread to seek validation that her own parenting is the ‘right’ way and for us all to mock how ridiculous AP parents are and how they are making ‘a rod for their own back’ (hate that phrase).

As an aside, there’s at least one PP who has confused AP with permissive parenting. AP does not mean having no boundaries and allowing your child to do whatever they want.

I'm not an attachment parent (and indeed wrote a post on another thread earlier today that could be construed as anti-AP) but I agree with some pp that this thread seems mean-spirited to me. It's essentially inviting people to slag off other people's parenting, and I think the more we criticise (non-abusive, non-neglectful) styles of parenting the more pressure we put on everyone. It's good for everyone to recognise that parenting is diverse, an art not a science and as driven by the child as the parent. Laughing or sneering at things other people do and we don't isn't conducive to that.

I can’t help feeling (and apologies if I’m wrong) that the OP has started this thread to seek validation that her own parenting is the ‘right’ way and for us all to mock how ridiculous AP parents are and how they are making ‘a rod for their own back’ (hate that phrase)

I promise that I didn't start this thread to seek validation for my parenting style.

I ma just interested in others' views. I am not opposed to AP. It just wasn't for me but I have nothing against it at all.

Sorry if I have come across as judgemental.

i rely entirely on trial and error...

My understanding of AP is that it’s meant to go beyond the nuclear family? The concept of “it takes a village”, etc.

I would say we adapted various parenting techniques to suit us and our children. And taking into account all the variables for any circumstance. Some of it mirrors how we were brought up, some the absolute opposite and some we’ve picked up along the way through observation, media, talking and listening and direct research.

Co-sleeping is actually dangerous. You can roll over and kill your children. I think it is nice to be responsive to one's children, but strict attachment parenting is OTT.

my last child was my most AP child, because I was alone. And she has several older siblings who treated her the same as me., who just adored her. She was never alone. Breastfed till 3, slept with me, carried everwhere, no nursery until 3, just completely secure. (she was a terrible sleeper, and I took the lazy option because I was a lone parent and needed to get up every morning).. She is the loveliest happiest most positive person. No problems with boundaries, but some might say over confident.

It works I think. Or at least it did for me. Or at least it did for her and me.

I take issue with the complaint that AP means no boundaries. No boundaries exist in every type of parenting, and is a different point.

Co-sleeping is actually dangerous. You can roll over and kill your children.

The research is very mixed on this. Some argue it actually lowers SIDS risks. I say this as someone who absolutely hated cosleeping the few times I tried it, and who has, in a couple of low moments, absolutely self-flagellated by reading MN threads about how everyone would cosleep if they loved their babies. It isn't my own choice or preference, but that isn't a reason to misrepresent the safety situation.

Co-sleeping is actually dangerous. You can roll over and kill your children

Please don’t misrepresent the safety recommendations. Co-sleeping is perfectly safe if done carefully and within the guidelines.

I bf only for three months, never ever co-slept, they went into their own rooms at three months (great sleepers) and to nursery pt at four and five months. Didn't even own a sling. I needed psychological space from them as babies as we had zero help, and tbh, I couldn't wait to get back to work.
They're now top set independant teens who have never really given us a moments trouble. I can't think of any downsides to how we brought them up. We all seem well bonded enough, and although midnight snuggles might suit some, for me, nothing beat several hours undisturbed kip in our own bed every night.

I had an epidural, bottle fed, used a pram, never let baby sleep on me, never bed shared once, used purees, went back to work at 6 months and I'm very strict .
I adore my children as much as every other parent and we have a great attachment.

I think switswoo8's post demonstrates that there are many approaches to parenting.

When my DC were ill and sharing the bed with us I never slept very well. I don't think I would like to co-sleep.

Can I re-emphasise that I have nothing at all against people who do like to co-sleep.