To ask your views on Attachment Parenting

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

I was wondering what the MN Jury thinks of this.

I am a little on the fence. I breastfed all my DC for years but did not co-sleep and did controlled crying with one of them.

Just interested to hear people's views.

I didn't read any parenting books or look into any parenting styles I just did what my instincts told me. The thought of breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby wearing made me feel claustrophobic and suffocated so I didn't want to do those. Dd did sleep better in bed with us but we hated it and were scared so did everything we could think of to get her settling in her own cot, she only slept with us for a few weeks. Ds liked sleeping on his own but he did like to be in a carrier so I used that when I needed to get stuff done. We just did whatever worked. We didn't rush to them as soon as they grizzled or hold them 24/7 and we put them to bed awake but tired.

I don't have any problem with AP, it's just not for me. My parenting style is about as opposite to AP as you can get (without actually being neglectful ).

One thing I do judge is parents who are far too soft, because they are not the only ones who have to suffer with their dc's poor behaviour. I have a friend who is very soft with her dc and going out anywhere with them is a nightmare. I try to only arrange to do things without our children but it's been tricky over the summer holidays and I don't think I've ever gritted my teeth so much.

1cantpick that’s interesting. It’s totally different with my children and their friends. All 3 of mine run into nursery/preschool and barely look back.

One of my sons best friends parents parented completely differently to us. Chose not to bf as wanted a 4hr routine from the start. Strict timings throughout the day. Their dc are all asleep and in their own bed by 7pm etc. Their dc are the ones always crying when mum leaves, always anxious about stuff, particularly disappointing their parents, very tearful etc. Mine are so emotionally robust they look at them with

All my dc other care givers/teachers comment on how resilient they are (which has been even more important for ds2 as he is an august baby and the youngest in his year). I don’t think it’s particularly our parenting (generally I think children are just randoms who come to live with you ) but it definitely hasn’t made them clingy or anxious children.

I don't think picking a theory and then sticking to it helps anyone as all parents and all babies are different. I'm a pragmatic parent! This is a problem, ok let's solve it, this doesn't work, ok let's change it.

I know a couple of AP mum's (and it always is the mum's that lead it in my experience) and it doesn't look great from the outside. The babies/toddlers are lovely (if clingy - but this could be personality) but two marriages are in tatters and the only one who it seems to be doing it successfully doesn't let on to her insta following that her mum lives with them and takes the kid every night so she can get some rest.

1cantpick that’s interesting. It’s totally different with my children and their friends. All 3 of mine run into nursery/preschool and barely look back.

Isn't a big factor here age of child? @1CantPickAName was talking about actual babies - aren't you a SAHM, and so your DC presumably didn't go to nursery/preschool until much older?

@AnnaNimity I read Sheila Kitzinger when pregnant too :) Penelope Leach was a revelation to me though. I picked up her book in a charity shop and had zero expectations, but find myself turning to it when I'm worried about developmental it's great for helping me to figure things out without being preachy / prescriptive :)

@1CantPickAName isn't it also a bit of a chicken and egg situation? My DD1 was miserable as sin as a baby (and a bottle / dummy refuser) so I held her, put her in a sling, breastfed on demand through the night etc until she was 9 months - she learnt to walk and was a different child overnight, much happier and less clingy. If she'd had to go to a CM at 8 months old they'd have blamed it on me "attachment parenting" (read: trying to get through the day with minimal tears from either of us) when I was doing what I needed to do to stay sane.

It's easy for parents of chilled out babies to say they didn't need to lug them about in a sling / co sleep but the first couple of years are about survival ime.

This topic eternally divisive amongst mothers, I think.

I do not heap coals of fire on women who subscribe to AP. Neither do I heap coals of fire on women who do not.

At the end of the day we all do what is best for us in the situation we find ourselves in.

As PP say you just go with what helps you- don't think following some rules helps at times, but it did help me with the DC were small to know it was Ok to use a sling / cosleep and breastfeed as I / they wanted to...as no-one else around me (especially relatives) were doing the same. So for me it was a bit helpful and supportive to see others do that stuff too..so anyway did all that stuff and both breastfed until around 3 years, went into their own beds as they chose and now happy teens / older children and pretty confident and independant, so none of the worries about 'rod for your back' or 'never get to their own bed' etc were true (thankfully).

I also had a lovely health visitor who was supportive and non judgemental which really helped. I remember her asking if we had stuff ready for my second and I was like, what stuff, don't really need anything! It does help with needing less 'stuff' e.g. bottles, and equipment, cot, pram etc so can be cheap if on a budget, and in a flat (top floor) it saved us money!

What i don't like though is when people are all smug and earth mother-ish as if they are right etc though- (met a few of these types) fair enough if it helps you, but it does not make you some sort of Earth goddess!

LisaSimpson my 2 older ones went to nursery a few days after their second birthday and dd was 10 months old. My oldest always ran away from me at every opportunity from when he walked at 9 months, he always felt confident that I would just be there and never seemed worried about me finding him. It’s something that Dh and I have wondered; whether he is over confident because he still feels/felt attached to me so no harm could come to him, a sort of mummy invincibility shield

AP has always existed, but before now it was more on a par with instinctual parenting. In many ways this was the form practiced by my own mum, and has influenced me despite the fact that she died before the birth of my DC.

Certain principles work for certain people and every child is different, so following a parenting manual like a sheep isn't really practical for most people. I BF for 18 months and I did babywear, but not all day long. Sleeping in the same room or bed wasn't working in the long term as we were disturbing each other and this wasn't in anyone's interests. But there have been phases of bedsharing (post-age 1; I only fed in bed until this stage), especially when DC was unwell. We used BLW and we never used controlled crying. The first year was hell and I was demented from lack of sleep, but we were lucky and didn't need to after DC turned 1.

I prefer to think of my own experience as instinctual, responsive parenting. FWIW I scratch my head at the slavish adherents of these 'movements', especially when they try and stick to them rigidly at the cost of their own wellbeing. The fact that the 'research' says this is what's best in general, doesn't mean that particular principles will necessarily apply to particular children.

The best advice is true: as soon as you've had the child you'll throw the reading and parenting manuals out of the window. You are the expert in what's best for your own child. Trust yourself.

My youngest started nursery this week at 16m. He didn’t cry once and was very happy according to his carers. This is a co sleeping, breastfed, carried toddler.

I don’t think you can derive any conclusions from my sample of one but not can you from the above childminder poster with her clingy sample of three.

I asked this many years ago. It didn't go well. I didn't come back to Mumsnet for over 3 years.

I don't believe AP parenting has always been about.

'Back in the days' children and babies were raised in a community, not completely dependent on their mothers. Nursing mothers nursed other children as well as their own and the children in the communities grew up together.

AP is just another form of individualism in this society we have now and some, and I stress some, mothers put their emotional needs on to their children to be met as we are lonely as a society.

Interesting Fizzy..

Nursing mothers nursed others than their own

My friend and I nursed one another's babies when we babysat for one another.

Much easier than expressing and leaving a bottle behind.

My son slept with my from day one until he was 3.5, he turned four in June and either he gets in my bed in the night or I get in his, but on the odd occasion I say he can’t that night he doesn’t grumble. I also regularly do toddler massage after story time, or as he calls it back tickles.

We have a bath together every night (saves on water too!).

Lots of cuddles are still skin to skin, if I’m sat down you can almost guarantee he is cuddling me or sat on me.

My son has a very secure attachment to me despite not being my son until he was two. He is confident being left with people he knows and very trusting of me.

He may still have been, but you just don’t know.

Took the easy options which to me were bfding for a couple of years, co-sleeping after putting in cot for first part of sleep and not doing controlled crying.

For what it's worth- we mostly followed most of the principles. Just because they fitted. Then someone pointed out we were 'attachment parenting'.

Breastfed ds until nearly five, slept in our bed until he decided he wanted his own bed at age 3. (DH still sleeps in his room which I think is daft but all well.) Carried him in a carrier rather than a buggy. Etc etc.

When he started preschool at age 3.5 they said they'd never seen a kid so confident or comfortable. He literally pushed me out of the door the minute we got there 'go mum, GOOOOO'! He's just started school this week and fucked off on the bus without a backwards glance, I've heard back from 8 people that he's done brilliantly on his first few days and he's as confident a kid as they've ever seen start.

I'll never know if it was nature or nurture but it's certainly not hurt him to bring him up the way we have. (We do have a bit of an issue with him just fucking off and plonking himself on strangers at the beach which can drive me (and them) batty).

Children are all different. I only know one mum who did AP and both her kids run rings around her now! (6 & 11) . Properly mardy, spoilt and fussy. But that's not enough of a sample!!!

A large amount of people attachment parent where I live and their kids are mostly lovely young humans/ adults.

I’m doing AP mostly. But my baby has acid reflux so I literally cannot put her down. She has to sleep in a semi-upright position and so the sling is perfect for us. Otherwise id be sitting with her sleeping in my shoulder permanently. I literally cannot do CIO because of her stomach issues. I can tell by the type of cry that she is usually in pain...and so needs comforting.
So I agree with posters saying it may be designed for high needs babies rather than causing high needs in babies.
We do co-sleep but not bed share. She’s in a side car cot attached to the bed. She has a wedge she sleeps on that keeps her at a 40 degree incline. But she can roll off it now...so it’s easier for me to be able to re position etc so she doesn’t wake up from acid reflux if she’s right next to me.
I think some posters are confusing AP with free range parenting? The parenting that has no boundaries, rules, routine, bedtime is free range not attachment. I think children needs some rules and boundaries so won’t be doing the free range parenting thing.

It's easy for parents of chilled out babies to say they didn't need to lug them about in a sling / co sleep but the first couple of years are about survival ime

@DCIRozHuntley this x infinity. I wouldn’t say I deliberately follow any parenting rules except for never taking advice and especially not criticism from parents of non-clingy, calm good sleepers. Because their experience is about as relevant to mine as that of someone who was raising Irish Wolfhounds instead of babies.

Genuine question - if you co-sleep, where does your partner sleep?

When any of our DC were ill and sharing the bed with us, we were both really uncomfortable as there wasn't enough room for all three of us.

I have the cot open on one side stuck to my double bed. Otherwise a king size bed can do! Many options.