To ask your views on Attachment Parenting

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

I was wondering what the MN Jury thinks of this.

I am a little on the fence. I breastfed all my DC for years but did not co-sleep and did controlled crying with one of them.

Just interested to hear people's views.

We have a super king bed. Dh slept in a sleeping bag without a pillow and I had a sheet without a pillow.

And the mattress was on the floor because ds was a roller. Then we put a single mattress next to it (when he became too kicky.)

Fuck no. I’m about as opposite to a lentil weaver as you can get.

I never allow my DD to co-sleep with us as I think it puts an unnecessary strain on the relationship (how do you do the sex?) and it’s just unsafe.

I bf my dd until she was 4 months and then decided to switch to bottle. I was able to leave her for longer periods to go shopping/ go out for dinner etc. which may make some of you gasp but I needed this for my mental health.

As for the sling I never ever used one. As much as I adore cuddles I didn’t want her strapped to me 24/7.

My dd is thriving at almost 1 years of age. Has settled into a lovely little routine, happily goes to nursery and doesn’t cry when I leave and is also happy to be babysat by friends and family without any fuss.

I have friends who religiously adopted the ap principle and they have had hell with separation anxiety with their babies where they cannot leave them with anyone.

This stuff didn’t exist 50 years ago and the children from the 60s are just fine.

children from the 60s are just fine

I very much respect your parenting decisions but on this point, on the whole, I really can't agree!

Why does it have to be all one way? Do it how YOU want, take the parts of AP you feel work well for you and your kids and don’t do what doesn’t!

@1CantPickAName All babies are dependent on their main caregiver! What 8 month old isn’t!? Bloody hell. I wouldn’t want to leave my child with someone so judgemental. Also if you’re caring for babies around 8-10 months I hope you know that’s a prime age for a peak in separation anxiety? Am curious how do you screen out AP families? What happens if you get a clingy, unsettled gasp formula fed not AP’d baby, do you send them back to their parents?

I’m really not a fan of the AP “package” - just another format for some parents to use to look down on other parents for not doing things the same way as them.
I think it’s a good thing there’s lots of parenting styles but I have come across a few people who think all parents should co-sleep and always carry their babies etc.
I carried my dd everywhere because she was always wanting to be held. But my ds liked a bit of space - he liked being held too, but not constantly as my dd did. I remember being surprised when I was trying to get DS to sleep in my arms and eventually I put him down and he went straight to sleep. He didn’t want to sleep on me, whereas that was my Dd’s favourite place to sleep. It’s not one size fits all.
Oh and I could never have co-slept. I already have sleep issues - I wasn’t going to put my precious baby in my bed and then be terrified I’d squash them. I just couldnt have relaxed and slept. Plus neither of my babies were fussed about it. As long as one of us responded when they cried, j don’t think they cared! I did try and put them in bed with me a couple times when I was desperate for them to sleep but it didn’t even work, as in, it didn’t help them to sleep any faster. All babies are different, all adults are different. I don’t like these one size fits all things.
As for CC we did a little when the babies were about 11 months old. If the mother (or primary carer) is barely able to function because of sleep deprivation, done in as gentle a way as possible it can be a lifesaver.

Love practicing AP.
Baby wearing and breastfeeding. It's beautiful.

isaididont - totally agree. We need to parent the kids we have, not the ones we dreamt of. So some kids gentle parenting works like a dream. Other kids gentle parenting turns them into feral monsters.
Kids are not a blank slate. Being responsive means responding to their personalities. So if they love being in a sling and you are fine with it too, then great. But if they hate it or you hate it, then use a pram.
Attachment is about being a responsive parent. Responding to the child you actually have.

@ReggaetonLente Children of the 60s have less mental health problems than the current generation of young adults.

This stuff didn’t exist 50 years ago

That’s nonsense. It may not have been labelled but people absolutely were following elements of AP 50 years ago and indeed further back.

Breast fed and co slept, until 2 yrs on DS, but then I cut him off, which he accepted rally well He's been fine in his own room and bed since. I do cuddle to sleep still. I did put him in a sling for dog walks, but not at home. He did want holding all the time though when a baby, he learnt to crawl at 6 months. I'm quite strict so I don't think that's gentle or attachment parenting I say NO a lot and raise my voice occasionally. I've not read a book on attachment parenting so I don't really know what the differences are. Are they allowed childcare ?

@Jenny that's because independence builds confidence and resilience.

@fizzypoo Yes I know. Same for adults in terms of confidence, we gain confidence from doing things and mastering them.
Often when people criticise parenting from the 60's they quote examples of neglect, which is harmful.
But like most things, the middle way is the best. Not neglectful, giving attention, etc; but also giving lots of opportunities for independence and dealing with age appropriate challenges.

Totally agree

I agree that independence develops confidence, but I think that was best for my dc when the independence came at their own pace and was controlled by them. I think what deep down has made them as confident and resilient as they are is a feeling of total security which I think was instilled from the co sleeping, etc.

As for where does Dh sleep? In a bed with some of the children and I sleep in another with the other children. We mix and match. We have 2 bedrooms opposite each other. One is ‘my’ bedroom in that it has all my stuff in it and one is ‘his’ bedroom as it has all his stuff in. But I prefer sleeping in his because it’s darker and he prefers sleeping in mine because it’s quieter (his is at the front of the house on the road). Each of the children have their own bedrooms with their stuff in upstairs.

I absolutely do not agree about kids of the past. I think the mental health issues were often ignored and that a lot carried the baggage from damaging upbringings. I think social media and social changes are what is more damaging to kids today (you can do AP and still be strict and not permissive).

Most of the people I know from my dads generation grew up in one room anyway so all slept in with parents and siblings.

I did a 'feed, burp, change, put down in cot or pram' routine with all of my babies, it worked very well.
The thought of carrying a baby around in a sling all day, or having them sleep 'on me' , or having to breastfeed on demand, makes me feel physically ill.
Having said that, I wasn't rigid about their routine, if they were upset and wanted a cuddle they got one, if they were extra hungry they got extra food, etc etc. I did use to bring them into bed with me if they woke up really early hoping they'd doze off for a little while.

MrsKoala I think it depends on the child. A lot of children are desperate for independence and you just need to follow their pace. But some children are naturally more timid and need a bit more encouragement.

Agree though that when people talk about co sleeping being natural what they actually mean is that having a house with space for rooms called bedrooms is a luxury that most people only had very recently. And just as I know adult couples who would never sleep apart, I also know adult couples that sleep in different bedrooms as it is the only way they can get some sleep. Just do what works for you.

@jennymanara - I would argue fewer diagnosed ones. Which is an issue in itself. We are more open now, there is less shame. I'm sure it's by no means the case for all, but when I think of my parents, their siblings, cousins and friends (60s children) I wouldn't describe many of then as particularly emotionally healthy, in my opinion. For example some of the things I notice are emotions bottled up, not willing to talk about feelings, passive aggressive behaviour and inability to walk in others' shoes. I mean, look at most of our world leaders....

I don't mean to tar all with the same brush at all as I know some incredibly emotionally switched on 50 somethings, but my dad (for example) would argue that his stiff upper lip, boys dont cry childhood didnt do him any harm and he did very well for himself and his family, but he struggled to even tell his own kids he loved us until he was on his deathbed. Dont get me wrong, I know he did love us - but his childhood, typical of many for his age and class, made it difficult for him to express emotions.

Of course humans aren't very good at cognitive dissonance or recognising their own faults, myself included, but I never understand the 'didn't do me any harm' argument. How could you ever know that it didn't?! You dont know how you'd be if things were done differently!

Why does it have to be all one way? Do it how YOU want, take the parts of AP you feel work well for you and your kids and don’t do what doesn’t

I entirely agree with this comment. There isn't a right or wrong way to parent. Just what works for you, your child and your lifestyle.