To ask your views on Attachment Parenting

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

I was wondering what the MN Jury thinks of this.

I am a little on the fence. I breastfed all my DC for years but did not co-sleep and did controlled crying with one of them.

Just interested to hear people's views.

Some good ideas, but also a stick to beat people with if they can't follow the whole package in my experience.

(I bf to around 2 years, use slings and cloth nappies. But I am shouty so therefore the devil apparently)

I don’t follow any ‘rules’ but I do co-sleep (out of desperation), still breastfeeding at 23 months and won’t do controlled crying. The controlled crying thing is personal- I have struggled a lot with anxiety and depression, as did DH when he was younger. I worry that my DS has maybe lost the genetic lottery wrt mental health and having read stuff about cortisol and being left to cry I don’t want to take any risks. That might sound daft but I know my DS. He was the definition of a high needs baby and still very much a high needs toddler. He is a very sensitive, highly strung wee guy and i’m pretty sure any of the crying methods would be horrendous for us both.

I don’t judge anyone who does it. You know your child best, you know their temperament.

Oh, and I didn’t babywear because by the time I got my arse in gear to figure out the sling (at about 4 months), DS’s legs were so long that he was kicking me in the fanny

I co sleep ... still breastfeeding. I do baby wearing. I would never do control crying. I could not let my baby cry and not comfort them. I am aware of friends who do control crying where they sit literally with a stop watch to time the crying - just writing this down makes me feel very sad.

I have a 7 year old still in my bed.

Don't do it.

There's no explanation on how to train a 7 year old into their own room, when they've never slept alone.

It is a pet hate of mine when people claim they 'couldn't' make a parenting choice, when they mean they don't want to or don't think it's the right choice for them ('I couldn't do controlled crying'). I heard it a lot when I went back to work 'oh, I couldn't have left mine that young'. You mean you didn't want to and didn't have to.

dont know what attachment parenting is - i bf for 2.5 years for both kids, slept till 2.3 years with my daughter as she was a terrible sleeper and bf through the night. Buy son slept by himself since day 2 (cot in our room) We didnt do CC with daughter - tried it for a day and it was too much for us, seemed a bit mean. Son slept though from day 2.

This thread is basically undermining the choice of those parents who believe in attachment parenting and being all judgy about them and their choice.

While saying that AP are smug..

OP I think attachment parenting theories aren’t making you feel insecure.

Just live and let’s live. I’m still experimenting and I do like many aspects of attachmenet parenting although I don’t see the need for a label, but I also don’t judge others. It’s just what I’m comfortable with.

But comments about attachment parenting almost always resulting in ill behaved kids and grouping AP as smug., to be honest isn’t very kind.

I thought this was going to be a thread about comparing different theories so I can grow intellectually as I’m still figuring it out. But this just sounds competitive and emotive and not really beneficial

It's funny because pre-baby I was so sure I'd do things like baby-led weaning, co-sleep, babywear constantly.

But actually, now she's here, it just doesn't suit either of us. She bloody loves purees, she sleeps fine in her cot and has since we got her home from hospital, she's happy in her pram and gets a bit restless being worn after a while, plus she's 80th percentile and I have a dodgy back so it doesn't really work that well.

I feel a bit embarrassed now when I think about how I waffled on to DP and my DM about the benefits of BLW or how I pontificated about co-sleeping, when it turns out that my DD loves mush (she also loves finger food and just food in general) and both of us keep each other awake with co-sleeping, and at the end of the day, sometimes I want to lie in bed and watch TV and eat crisps.

Breastfeeding is the one thing that I was adamant about that we have actually managed, so at least I'm 1 for about 20 on 'things I swore I would do when pregnant'.

I don't know why things have to always be labelled. I might fall into the AP category (I don't know what it entails, but I co-sleep, never leave him to cry, he couldn't physically breastfeed so I exclusively pumped the first 3 months, I give him my full attention) but labelling 'styles' of parenting makes is like an us vs them mentality IMO which is ridiculous.

I think we all have the grand ideas that come to nothing, celebelly. I was the opposite with food - I'd read the EAT study and waffled on about how brilliantly clever I would be by introducing all the allergenic foods at five months and so reducing his allergy risks. Except then he cried every time he saw a spoon, was still doing it at six months so I gave up on the spoon and just gave him finger food (having failed to get more than the slightest smear of allergenic food into him) and ended up doing rather reluctant BLW. Best part of a year on (he's 14 months) he's obsessed with eating with a fork (and surprisingly good at it!) and it all seems like a fuss about nothing either way. Turns out I wasn't such a clever little researcher after all!

Still breastfeeding once a day at 2.5. Sling when a baby as it meant I could walk miles and be active which I love and so did my baby, no clue that slings had a label. Co slept as it felt right for us, never did CC as I couldn’t bear the idea and also didn’t feel capping his food supply off to make him sleep through the night was the elixir of life - just my own reaction and again no clue anti CC meant AP. Such a Western term for just being a parent. Also working mum. Yes tired too sometimes.

Toddler very calm, alert, no meltdowns yet, advanced speech, happy, normal and I suspect this is just due to do whatever felt right for him at the time. Didn’t read a single book despite being given a few. Too busy getting on with it.

I hate the 'rod for your own back' crap.

My rod, my back, my baby, my business.

When folk say that co-sleeping, longer term breastfeeding etc create demanding children who are hard work....I wonder if they ever consider that maybe some of us who do these things do them precisely because our DCs are particularly demanding.

My DS was born a wee fireball. He came out of the womb like that, co-sleeping and still breastfeeding didn’t make my DS a high needs child, they are tools I use to deal with the fact that he is a high needs child. Sometimes the ‘rods’ are the only things holding you up.

When folk say that co-sleeping, longer term breastfeeding etc create demanding children who are hard work....I wonder if they ever consider that maybe some of us who do these things do them precisely because our DCs are particularly demanding.

I think in general a lot of people find it hard to imagine DC that aren't like theirs. A lot of people who have babies who are only happy cosleeping think that all babies are like that, and that other people are just too selfish and cruel to do what their child would obviously prefer - but, actually, some babies are just as happy, or happier, in their own space. Meanwhile, people whose babies are happy in cots think that cosleeping is always a parental choice, rather than the only real practical solution for some families.

I had a friend who made it pretty clear that she simply didn't believe that my DS developed a bottle preference at 8 months because her three were all bottle refusers who were incredibly hard to wean off the breast at a much older age. It was like she just couldn't grasp that he was different to her DC.

I read Gins and threw it away just didn’t suit us at all. Didn’t know about AP but it fitted with us better, breastfeed, coslept, babywearing, no CC/CIO, no purées all BLWing. Just because it worked for us. Oh and two homebirths thrown in and I was at home for 11 years (4 DC) we are all different people with different parenting styles.

I never knew AP was a thing with a name. I just happen to have done most of it. I wore all mine in a sling all day long because I was quite damaged after birth so found it hard to bend to pick them up and the previous one was still young so it was easier to carry them while playing with an under 2 or a 4 and 2 year old.

I co slept because any sleep was better than none and when there are 4 in one room you can’t let them cry and wake everyone and again I couldn’t lift them out of cots very well without tearing stitches etc.

I breastfed because I just did and still bf my almost 3 year old because she likes it.

I didn’t blw much as I find it too messy and takes to long. (I’m too goal oriented, which is why I do whatever is most efficient to get the task done quickest with least fuss).

I would call it path of least resistance parenting. It has pros and cons. I still love the co sleeping and the dc are nearly 7, just 5 and almost 3. My older 2 are high needs and it was easier to run with the cart than pull against it.

Personally I think a lot of it is insanity, based on pseudo-science and I hate that much of it has crept in to mainstream parenting advice. It's fine for those of us who are confident in ourselves/our parenting and can take it with a pinch of salt but in my circle it's often the more vulnerable, insecure mothers who read the blogs/articles and take it as gospel.

All well and good for newborns but it's a few months/years down the line when they're a wreck with bad sleepers, no evenings to themselves, relationship damage with their partners etc. it's frustrating to watch when it doesn't have to be that way. I also think (not always obviously) that many people conflate attachment parenting with permissive parenting and that's when the real trouble starts!

I know it works well for some but I imagine there's many more for who it is a disaster. I breastfed and am a SAHM but that was the extent of AP for me. I cuddled them tons but slings/co-sleeping were a huge no-no. They were put down to sleep in their Moses baskets from day one, bedtime routines implemented by six weeks etc. would never have left them to cry but wouldn't have survived without structure and a couple of hours of "detachment" . It paid off in spades so I'm glad I didn't get sucked in.

If I was to "follow" a parenting style it would be RIE all the way for me. Janet Lansbury was a god send in the toddler years. But that's another method where some followers can get quite evangelical, so overall I think it's best to pick and choose what suits your's and your baby's personality.

They were put down to sleep in their Moses baskets from day one, bedtime routines implemented by six weeks etc. would never have left them to cry

So what would have done if they cried whenever put in their Moses basket? Genuine question. Would you leave them to cry or pick them up? Then what if they cried every single time you laid them back down?

If it was simply fussing I'd leave them be for 30 seconds or so MrsKoala and see. If it turned to full on crying I would pick them up and tend to whatever I thought was the problem but more often than not they'd just settle after a minute of fussing.

I think it's instinct to rush in at the first grumblings but if people held back just a few seconds it's clear the baby's not distressed and often settles happily. A lot of it is anxiety to rush in a make things better but it's often unnecessary and unhelpful in the long run IMO. Obviously that was the case for my children and perhaps if I had a different child I would have used a different method who knows?

To me it just was how I had to do things with both children because it seemed natural and necessity rather than being something I selected.

More often than not yours would settle after a minute. Mine never did. They cried whenever they weren’t held. So I was advised to pick them up and see if they were hungry, then lay them down again. Then they cried. So I picked them up, laid them down, picked them up. Other dc to look after, crying, pick up, put down, crying, for weeks and months. Not all babies are the same as yours. People have to adapt to survive.

The only parenting book I had was more of a baby/ child development guide rather than "parenting style". I blundered through with what worked for me and each baby, an a lot overlapped into attachment style, especially for DC2. I did also take the approach of deal with "your own oxygen mask first". That's where getting set on a "parenting style" can be problematic, when baby's or parent's needs are not being met. So I did finish my shower, or making my beans on toast, because baby needed a happy, hygienic, fed mother (especially fed for milk supply). Getting too set on "attachment" and martyring yourself and neglecting your own needs for the sake of baby never having to wait or cry for a couple of minutes can be very damaging to good maternal health.

There are no prizes for getting a parenting style "right" whatever style it is and a lot of women feeling displaced from their previous lifestyle in the early stages of parenting can substitute their ambitions from the workplace into getting parenting "right" by the book or by their peers plus just general new parent anxiety in the mix.

It's not how you feed or carry baby etc, that is critical. Do what works for you both. Trial and error may be necessary. If it works first time, don't be smug. Don't martyr yourself. That applies to any parenting style.

I prefer to think of what I do as intuitive or instinctive parenting. I read a lot and talk to friends, maternal & child health nurses etc but ultimately do what feels right for me and my children.

Most people would probably call me an attachment parent though. I breastfed my first on demand for over 2 years, including 11 weeks of tandem feeding toddler and baby (who is still breastfeeding at 2 yrs 4 months). I frequently wore my babies in slings and co-slept.

I didn't do these things for ideological reasons alone, but because it worked. My babies were calmer and slept better when on or near me. And therefore I got more rest than if I had to sit up while feeding then spend time settling them back into a cot.

They were put down to sleep in their Moses baskets from day one, bedtime routines implemented by six weeks etc. would never have left them to cry

This was exactly my plan with DD. Unfortunately DD wasn’t on board with it. She cried every time she was lain down. Without fail. Not grumbling. Full on crying leading to screaming. No amount of leaving to settle, shh patting, picking her up and putting her back down, feeding, would change that. 12 weeks I persevered, determined not to create “bad habits”.

Then I gave in and co-slept. We all slept. I accepted that I couldn’t get much done in the day and enjoyed the cuddles. That wasn’t martyring myself. Martyring myself was not doing those things to “follow the rules”.

I, and I’m sure a good chunk of even the most die hard attachment parents, are fully aware that we still need to eat, sleep, wash and go to the toilet. There were times I had to leave DD to cry to do those things. However when it isn’t the “grumbling” that a lot of babies do, but the incessant screaming high needs babies do, then you do those things as quickly as possible for your own sanity, not to be a martyr. Leaving a baby to grumble and settle themselves in a baby capable of doing it sounds like brilliant parenting to me, and I wish I could have done that with DD. However, leaving a baby very distressed doesn’t and for those type of babies then AP seems like the best way of parenting. So that’s what I did.