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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your views on Attachment Parenting

220 replies

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 17:38

I was wondering what the MN Jury thinks of this.

I am a little on the fence. I breastfed all my DC for years but did not co-sleep and did controlled crying with one of them.

Just interested to hear people's views.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 05/09/2019 18:51

I always suggest that people read Bowlby’s theory of attachment to see how far from that self-proclaimed attachment parents have taken it. You don’t need to bf forever or give up your bed to form secure attachments.

Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 18:53

I agree with you EssentialHummus

I couldn't have slept with a baby or child permanently in the bed with us.

OP posts:
LaVieilleHarpie · 05/09/2019 18:54

I don't do 'Attachment Parenting' or any other 'Insert Label Parenting'.

I just do... Parenting.

Never read a single parenting book either. Kid seems happy enough.

Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 18:57

Although I had no qualms about controlled crying, I did have qualms about artificial feeding.

OP posts:
PinkyU · 05/09/2019 18:59

So is this basically a big “there, there” to salve the op’s (Probably unfounded) parenting guilt for not doing the things she thinks other parents think she ought to have.

Why on earth to you feel the need to compare and tear down others parenting choices because they’re different from your own? Why can’t you find enough confidence in your own parenting to not call other parents smug for not making the same choices as you?

Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 19:00

I wouldn't want to spend the entire evening getting a baby/toddler to sleep either.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 19:01

I haven't got any guilt about my parenting style at all.

I think some PPs are misunderstanding. I am just interested in what people think about AP - I am not looking for any salves to smooth over mine.

OP posts:
PinkyU · 05/09/2019 19:05

Your posts read as bitter, it’s actually quite unpleasant reading.

jennymanara · 05/09/2019 19:06

I am against any parenting theory that presents itself as the right way to do things. The truth is it will work for some babies and parents, and not others. Some babies hate slings, others will only sleep in slings. Do what suits you and your baby first. But I know that does not sell any parenting books.

JazzyGG · 05/09/2019 19:06

Agree each to their own and you do what suits your family but... of the people
I know who do attachment parenting the kids are clingy, moany and lack confidence. They hang off their mum to a point I would find claustrophobic. My house has lots of love and cuddles but we don't need to smother each other. I couldn't cope with children being that clingy and not developing their own independence won't help them later on. Am sure someone will be along to tell me I'm wrong!

Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 19:06

I'm not at all bitter.

Sorry if you find it unpleasant reading.

OP posts:
jennymanara · 05/09/2019 19:08

And anyone who thinks an attachment can only be made by breastfeeding, co sleeping etc, does not understand attachment theory. Babies and children seek attachments. Love them, respond to them, talk to them, listen to them, basically anything that passes as common sense parenting will mean a child will form a secure attachment.

JazzyGG · 05/09/2019 19:10

I also read a post on here as to how "older mothers don't understand attachment parenting they are all Gina Ford" 😂😂😂 I am 38 and my daughter is 8. Gina was big in my group if not for me personally. Didn't know we were old!

jennymanara · 05/09/2019 19:11

@jazzy I suspect it depends on the child and adult. If a mum is anxious about separating from her child, the child will pick up that anxiety.
But children and babies are not a blank slate. Even with tiny children you can see some are brave and others have to be encouraged more. We have an influence on what our kids are like, we are not the only thing.

BarbariansMum · 05/09/2019 19:13

As far as I remember the way I parented my small children was a compromise between their needs (to be constantly attached, preferably suckling) and mine (to sometimes get some sleep/a shower/ do something). Compromise parenting?

drsausage · 05/09/2019 19:14

I tried to be a responsive parent and give my child what they needed.

My first needed a Gina Ford style routine.

My second needed lots of cuddles, then controlled crying at 2 years old.

My third had to fight to get any attention at all, and no one had time to ask him what he needed.

Blanca87 · 05/09/2019 19:14

I don't understand why it's called attachment parenting, all parenting/caring responsibility is about establishing attachment. For sure, some parental styles are better to be attuned to their infants/child/teen, than others. AP seems to assumes (even if by name only) that other forms of parenting/caring is not about attachment, when clearly, it is.

Camomila · 05/09/2019 19:15

It's not either/or - I was still breastfeeding and cosleeping when I went back to work. I wasn't martyring myself, I was taking (to me) the easy option.

DS had/has lots of tantrums - the AP, no tantrums memo has missed him!

Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 19:17

To clarify - I have nothing against AP at all.

I just don't think it would have been any use for me as I returned to work fairly quickly due to financial pressures. This must be many women's experience.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 05/09/2019 19:17

When people use this term(AP) I often wonder if they read or understand attachment theory?

Original poster
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 19:18

Blanca87 I wonder the same thing.

OP posts:
AmateurSwami · 05/09/2019 19:18

The name makes it seem faddish which is a bit irritating. Seems like a normal way to parent though, don’t think there’s anything groundbreaking about it, nor is there meant to be from my understanding

Cyw2018 · 05/09/2019 19:19

My dd is 19 months.

We still bed share and breastfeed. She has only been away from me or her dad for a day twice (she was with my 'D'M and it was a disaster, but that is a story for a whole other thread). I carried her in a sling a lot when she was tiny and she absolutely loves being in the back carrier now (she is instantly calm and happy as soon as she is in it). I won't ever be doing controlled crying. Most of my reading around parenting is the gentle parenting books.

However, I intend to put her into playschool as soon as she turns 2 (for one or two sessions a week) even though I don't need to from a childcare point of view. My reasoning for doing it is that she is an only child, DH and I are not the most social people, and we have no family locally, therefore she spends all her time with us and I want her to spend some more time with other children. I figure the worse case scenario is she hates it and I pull her out and wait a while longer.

kaytee87 · 05/09/2019 19:22

I don't think it's feasible to rigidly stick to one style of parenting and I think parents should trust their instincts a bit more. All these parenting books and styles do is create anxiety for some new parents.
I did/do what felt right; I tried very hard to breastfeed & ended up pumping for 12 weeks then he went onto formula, he was (and still is) with me the majority of the time as I was lucky enough to be off for over 2 years and now only work p/t. He slept pretty well since 6 months and didn't need to be in bed with me ever really unless unwell. He didn't stay over night with anyone until he was a toddler but I have no anxiety about leaving him now (he's 3) and enjoying a night out with my DH. I shower him with love and didn't leave him to cry as a baby but I did have a semi strict routine (which i adapted as he grew). I will now ignore whinging for attention but try to always praise nice behaviour. I do shout at him sometimes if he's been very naughty (although I know thats not ideal)
In short I think most of us are doing the best we can with the tools and knowledge at our disposal.

Camomila · 05/09/2019 19:26

I agree its not the best short-hand, IRL I probably wouldn't say attachment parenting and would make a joke about being a hippy, or mumble something about being Italian and doing what my DM did.