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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your views on Attachment Parenting

220 replies

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 05/09/2019 17:38

I was wondering what the MN Jury thinks of this.

I am a little on the fence. I breastfed all my DC for years but did not co-sleep and did controlled crying with one of them.

Just interested to hear people's views.

OP posts:
IrishMamaMia · 06/09/2019 09:12

Haven't had a chance to read the full thread but the two mums I've known who did proper attachment parenting to the book have had extreme trouble settling their kids in childcare settings at two. I don't know if that's typical but no one else I know has had difficulties to this extreme extent.

Autumn101 · 06/09/2019 09:24

I kind of did attachment parenting with DS2 apart form the feeding. He was very poorly and tube fed, multiple chest infections from aspirations etc He was with me 24/7 due to his needs so was in a sling, in our bed, any crying instantly responded to........ We did what was necessary to get through a hard time, DS1 was less than 2 so it was tough!

Honestly in the long term I don’t think it did him any favors. He is now 9.5 and still ends up in our bed every night, is fine at school but gets anxious if I go out and he’s with a babysitter, always wants to sit next to me or know where exactly I am. He has stayed with GPs occasionally but doesn’t love it.

DS1 was a much more ‘mainstream’ baby - slept in his cot in his room from 6 months, left to grumble, plenty of time with other people. He’s much more confident and resilient than his brother

It could be just their personalities naturally of course but in an ideal world I wouldn’t have done it the way we did.......

JacquesHammer · 06/09/2019 09:27

I despise it it's truly evil and trying to drag women back to the 1950s

How so? My then husband did as much as I did (apart from the breastfeeding obviously!)

People who do AP are hippies who are sahm

Nice sneery tone. Why isn’t it possible to have a discussion around any sort of parenting without digs getting thrown around?

JacquesHammer · 06/09/2019 09:28

I don't know if that's typical

Hard to say from anecdotes, my own is that DD started Kindergarten at 2 years and 10 months and didn’t give so much as a backward glance.

HopefulFor2020 · 06/09/2019 09:29

I always called what I did 'accidental parenting' and I'm planning on doing it again with this one. I just did what felt right at the time and I was ridiculously lucky in that baby put themselves into a routine (I'm not kidding myself that it's likely to happen a second time!)

Fizzypoo · 06/09/2019 09:29

@jennymanara off the top of my head so it won't be exact..

The attachment theory empirical research had the parent in the room and the baby, the parent baby and a stranger in a room, and the parent sitting further away but in the same room and the parent leaving the room. The toddlers were observed on their reactions on where the parent was.

Toddlers who were happy to continue playing when the stranger was in the room were classed as secure attachment. Toddlers who looked for their mum, saw her and continued to play whilst the stranger was in the room were classed as securely attached to the care giver. Toddlers who were overly friendly to the stranger straight away and toddlers who clung to their mum and wouldn't play with the stranger in the room were classed with disorganised attachment.

jennymanara · 06/09/2019 09:34

Thanks Fizzypoo. So these mums were often exhausted by the way they were parenting and they were not even managing to get their child securely attached. Sad.

AnnaNimmity · 06/09/2019 09:40

irishmamamia I had difficulties getting mine to nursery at 2.5, so I didn't do it - I took them out and waited another year or two. When they were ready it was fine. None of mine have minded going to school and they're all well adjusted now.

AnnaNimmity · 06/09/2019 09:42

and they were all fine in playgroup or baby group situations and being left with relatives.

Baguetteaboutit · 06/09/2019 09:43

What at lot of bullshit. You have to work really fucking hard to neglect your child to the degree that they don't bond and attach with their carers. A loving, functioning parent, of any parenting persuasion, isn't going to disrupt a baby's hardwired survival instinct to form a strong relationship with them even if they lean hippie or a bit Gina Ford.

It's more likely parents will look to find as many soothing techniques (including attachment parenting techniques) to soothe an anxious baby who are more likely to be the kind of toddlers who will find moving into new environments tricky.

jennymanara · 06/09/2019 09:46

I have found that it is friends who themselves were neglected as kids, who tend to be attracted to attachment parenting.

whattodowith · 06/09/2019 09:50

I just did whatever worked for us and felt right. Honestly, the sound of my babies crying has always hugely distressed me so I did whatever it took to get them to stop.

I always wanted to breastfeed so did that. I didn't plan the rest, it fell into place when they were born. I co-slept with them all so I could get some kip and I used both baby carriers and a pram.

Hedgehogblues · 06/09/2019 09:51

I have found that it is friends who themselves were neglected as kids, who tend to be attracted to attachment parenting.

This makes sense. I was neglected so badly that I was removed and placed into care. I have enormous attachment and mental health issues because of it. I wouldn't call what I do full on attachment parenting but I definitely worry and over compensate because of my own history

JacquesHammer · 06/09/2019 10:06

There’s an awful lot of armchair psychology on this thread Grin

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/09/2019 10:11

There’s an awful lot of armchair psychology on this thread grin

There really is! My understanding is that there is no evidence that attachment parenting increases rate of secure attachment, but there is any evidence that it decreases it either. All the evidence is that attachment is much less fragile than either argument seems to presuppose and - and I know this can be a tough pill to swallow - that parents have a lot less control over their children's personalities than they would need to make it possible to automatically make them either clingy or independent through whether or not you use a sling.

madcatladyforever · 06/09/2019 10:16

I was only 21 and a single parent when I had my son in the 1980s but immediately had a strong maternal instinct and followed my instincts.
I felt I knew what was best for my baby and generally ignored all advise thst I didnt feel applied to us. I did read books during pregnancy to gather as much information as possible. He's almost 40 now and is a wonderful human being so I think I did ok. I think it's really important to read as much as possible and then do what you feel is right for you and your baby.

IrishMamaMia · 06/09/2019 10:16

@AnnaNimmity this is a good point, one boy has gone on to really enjoy childcare now at 4.The other mum is waiting until her boy is older as he's just 3 now. I don't think it'll be a long-term problem for the kids, just one that I would have found difficult as I'm reliant on various childcare since I went back from mat leave.
Both mum's are Germany based and stay at home, AP is more common there.

IrishMamaMia · 06/09/2019 10:19

@madcatladyforever this is really good advice. I have a Penelope Leach book on babies and toddlers and it's like a very loose guide to development but has allowed me to find my own way and follow my son's lead. This has meant borrowing some techniques such as frequent baby wearing etc from AP but I do lots of traditional things too :)

PlinkPlink · 06/09/2019 10:21

DS never took to his cot. From Day 1. He had colic too so we really didnt want more crying 🙈 so co-sleeping it was. Worked out well with being ebf.

I still feed him now and he's 2 years and 4 months. I still co-sleep with him in his own room.

Because it's really not going to damage him and it works for us as a family.

As long as you do what is right for your family, that's the main thing. It doesn't matter what anyone else does because you don't know their situation - it's not really something people should judge others on.

I like the gentle parenting approach though as it seems to work best for DS.

jennymanara · 06/09/2019 10:21

For people who had a very neglectful or abusive childhood can though be at a loss at how to parent well as they did not have any good role models themselves. So there is a need for parenting advice.

TinyMystery · 06/09/2019 10:27

Parent how you like, just don’t be a dick about it. I’m breastfeeding my one year old (a couple of times per day) because it’s easy for us, I throw him in the sling because it’s less faff than the pushchair, we do BLW because I couldn’t be arsed with making special purées and think the pre-made pouches are a bit shit for the environment (and I can plonk him in the high chair and let him get on with it), he co-slept for a long time because rolling over and offering a boob was much quicker than shushing and rocking, and we use cloth nappies because I like them and they work well for us. Basically all my parenting decisions have been based on laziness and AP seems to fit with that.

I’m definitely not a super crunchy AP obsessive though. We don’t have a parent facing pushchair and we use it quite a lot for running with, we sleep-trained eventually because I lost the will to live, we’re not obsessed with Scandi clothes or expensive wooden toys (cardboard boxes and crockery go down far better), we have a secondhand Tula sling, I never used a stretchy wrap and I absolutely hate my (beautiful) ring sling. There are a lot of crunchy Facebook groups that make me want to headbutt a brick wall.

Hiredandsqueak · 06/09/2019 10:28

It's not for me because I like my own space and can think of nothing worse than having a baby/child touching me 24hrs a day but if it makes mums and babies happy then good for them. I like routines and order and had babies who thrived with that. Pretty sure my dc are just as close to me as the dc of parents who did the opposite though.

MrsKoala · 06/09/2019 10:49

The article linked is not accurate in our case. It’s actually Dh who loves the co sleeping most. He works away and long hours and it’s the only time he sees the kids some weeks. We rotate the children he co sleeps with so everyone gets a turn with both of us. We are not hippies. Dh has a corporate job in the city! It helps that we/he never saw the bed as a sex place so nothing has changed in that respect.

There is an unhelpful stereotype that men are constantly wanting sex and women are somehow the sacred key holders of this. And that co sleeping withholds a husbands conjugal rights and that the ‘poor man’ has been ousted by his wife and children who no longer need him. Often it is simply about both parents wanting more sleep to function and in our case that applies more to those working ft than those who are sahp’s.

AnnaNimmity · 06/09/2019 11:01

Yes @IrishMamaMia that was the case with mine - they just weren't ready and it was fine when they were.

And Penelope Leach was the book I read when I had my first (and Sheila Kitzinger for pregnancy) and I based my parenting on that, and my instincts (and my natural laziness to take the easiest option - which with 4 children under 6 I needed to do). I loved that book! I didn't even know what AP was until much later.

1CantPickAName · 06/09/2019 11:02

I haven’t read the full thread.

I am a childminder and I find it is really impossible to settle a baby who has been attachment patented.

I have had 3 who were bf and ap and they all cries ALL DAY, they were distraught most of the time and I knew they were just waiting for mum, it broke my heart every time and I gave notice to all of the families that it wasn’t working out and now I don’t take babies that are ap.
I have friends who ap and are sahm, it works for them and mum and baby are happy, but, if you know you are going back to work when your baby is going to be 8 to 12 months, why would you make them so dependent on you? It’s selfish if you ask me.