To ask your views on Attachment Parenting

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

I was wondering what the MN Jury thinks of this.

I am a little on the fence. I breastfed all my DC for years but did not co-sleep and did controlled crying with one of them.

Just interested to hear people's views.

I think it looks like a beautiful thing but it wasn't for me.

Due to health issues my ds was never breast fed. He never slept in bed as a baby with me apart from a few occasions when he was sick. Oh and a brief stint of creeping into my bed in the night when he was about 5!

I tried controlled crying with him which worked within a few nights. He is a happy, independent little boy and I don't believe my choices had any negative impact on him.

I recently posted about an old friend who is very into AP and posts a lot of photos and captions on social media about it which is fine but recently she's started slagging off other parenting styles which is pretty annoying. Make your own choices and let others make theirs without judgement.

I don't think the fact that my ds napped in a Moses basket while I got shit done means I love him any less than her, who boasts that her child has never once slept or napped without her...:/

I didn't do it but i had a friend who did who was shocked and filed a grievance because her boss wouldn't let her four year old come into meetings with her incase he needed a feed......

Like with LittleMy, for me it was about doing what felt right and natural. My children are 10 and 13 now, and are happy, caring, confident and independent, so I'm confident that it was the right thing to do for our family.

I started off following the conventional advice from my mum and MIL with my DS. He screamed in the buggy as soon as I put him in and until I got him out. Was told about sling wearing by a friend and DS was immediately happy in there so used it for walks instead of the buggy. Tried to put him in a cot to sleep (as recommended) and he cried his eyes out and nobody got any sleep but, he slept beautifully when I buckled and let him co-sleep. So, he ended up sleeping with us until about 2 (until he seemed happy enough to sleep separately from us). Now he sleeps beautifully in his own room from the time he hits his pillow. Exclusively breastfed him and tandem fed when the new baby arrived. Wasn't my original plan but did it because he had a diagnosed cows milk allergy, he refused to drink the alternative or take a bottle and he got a lot of comfort out of breastfeeding. He weaned naturally at about 2 1/2 (around the time he grew out of the allergy).

My DD was different. She loved cuddles and being in the buggy but hated the sling or swaddle. She slept better in the cot unless ill. Still breastfeeding at 18 months but far less than DS did. Doing what works for her and us. Would do things differently if she had different needs.

Do what works for you; dontbassume it will work for everyone else. I was never especially keen on AP (didn’t like using sling, did gentle controlled crying, didn’t want to co sleep). However DD is now aged 4 and comes into my bed every night, so I suppose that’s a bit attachment-parenty. She seems to need the comfort so I’m not going to deprive her of it.

AP taken to extremes is really not my thing, though. This article explains why: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jul/30/attachment-parenting-best-way-raise-child-or-maternal-masochism

AP is something that you can do if you are privelidged.

If you have to return to work and leave your child with other carers then you fall foul of the AP party line.

I bf until 5yrs +, co-slept, could never do CC, baby-wearing... but I also work full-time and I can get stressed and shouty. No-one is perfect. I try to remember that they are dealing with big emotions and that helps me deal with them. But every child is different as well. Never had tantrums with my first. Different story with child number 2 and child number 3! Baby wearing was just easier in my opinion and so was co-sleeping. I did what I did because it felt right and it was easier! AP or not, who cares!

Do what works best for all of us.

Co-sleeping on a bad night, lots of cuddles, sling when out weather pending, lots of love and lots of 1-1time. Do not agree with controlled crying but that's only my view.

Majorly sleeps in own cot, happy to creep about and or go in the pram. Generally not a cuddly but a chilled baby but I do believe it's down to their nature tbh

You can do all the love and attention in the world and you may still have a highly attached, high needs baby. It depends on baby and parents.

I don’t think I even knew what AP was when my first ds was born. I hadn’t read any books or been to any classes. All I knew is that I wanted him to breastfeed and the rest followed.

When it became clear he’d only feed to sleep that led to him sleeping with me. I got a sling a couple of months in because he wanted my comfort all the time. 6 years down the line and another baby later, I didn’t even use a pushchair for ds who’s still happily feeding at coming on 18months and my bed is more of a family bed.

Would I call myself an attachment parent? No!! I’m just doing what works and what the majority of the parenting world do without having to label it and make it a ‘lifestyle’.

I hadn't even heard of attachment parenting until dd was a toddler, so I wasn't adhering to any sort of philosophy. I just went with what felt right. That included co-sleeping, breastfeeding until dd was almost 3, avoiding controlled crying etc. I also tried a sling but dd hated it.

I think all parents should go with their gut and parent in a way that feels right to them. I don't really care what other people do. A lot of people seemed to have opinions about what I did when dd was little, told me that I was making a rod for my own back etc. Now that she is a teenager, the same people marvel at how mature and confident she is and how close we are.

I despise it it's truly evil and trying to drag women back to the 1950s

how so? I certainly didn't feel dragged back to the 50s. I just did what i wanted, and it was freeing rather than restrictive.

Weren’t babies left out in the garden to CIO in the 50s?

Were there many co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, baby-wearing mothers in the 1950s?

I despise it it's truly evil and trying to drag women back to the 1950s

I don't see it like that. I went back to work FT straight after mat leave and have always been the main breadwinner in our family. I was just fortunate in that my work was ultra-flexible and enabled me to continue parenting in the way that I wanted to.

Attachment parenting doesn’t automatically result in child having a secure attachment. And vice versa, non attachment parenting (whatever that is) doesn’t mean child won’t have have a secure attachment.

The term puts my teeth on edge tbh. It has a sense of superiority - as if it’s the best way to parent. Attachment is so much more complex than a check list of to dos; co sleep, breastfeed etc etc equates to...

Besides, all kids have an attachment style. Therefore all parenting is attachment parenting in that sense!

The only thing I felt strongly about was co sleeping.I never shared a bed with my parents,neither did my siblings and ditto in dh family.
Ds 5 has been in our bed once and that was when he was poorly.

@RebornFlame - that made me chuckle, yes the lifestyle - ication of things many people just get on and do.

it doesn't have a sense of superiority at all. It's just one school of parenting. There's alot of defensiveness on this thread from people who didn't do it. Alot of cliches being rolled out about AP = no boundaries. It's not like that.

I did it but I don't judge people who did CC or stopped breastfeeding or who put their child in a nursery or who used purees. It just wasn't for me.

I don't really have a view on AP, but find others do judge both ways and everything in between. DS1 was a bit of a dream after the newborn stage and would happily be put down to sleep anywhere, so we did. DS2 (born in winter?) would not be put down, would only settle on us, spent a lot of time in the sling, and so we co-slept for 9 months, just because it was easier. It got to the stage where he wouldn't even settle when co-sleeping, I was working full time from 6 months so at 9 months we were desperate did controlled crying - he's slept through in his cot ever since.

People who do AP are hippies who are sahm

I used a sling at times because it was practical, but DD was always happier in the pushchair. She is an independent little soul who often preferred to lie down and look about rather than be cuddled, even when she was a newborn. I went back to work parttime after 10 weeks. Tried everything to make breastfeeding succeed, but that didn't work out either. We never did CC, but I would let her cry sometimes - she was colicky and could scream for hours. At some point I would need a cup of tea / a shower / get the mail / make a phone call etc, and I never felt guilty about it, even though like any mum I found it really hard not to be able to comfort her. We used a bedside cot / co-sleeper until 7 months or so.

There are some great practices within AP that you can adopt if it suits you and your baby, but I also think it is important to remember that its roots do lie in a very traditional, anti-feminist way of thinking, so don't take it as universal gospel.

I've studied attachment theory and reactive attachment disorders. A good sign that your child has good attachment is that they will play by themselves as toddlers and be happy with other people when their parent are in the room. Not clingy and not overtly friendly with strangers. That was how the attachment theory was firstly empirically based.

I personally think creating a child that is moddycoddled and overtly dependent on their main carer and using attachment theory (which is mainly found in family dysfunctional homes) as a basis to do that is fulfilling the parents need not what's best for the child.

*Weren’t babies left out in the garden to CIO in the 50s?

Honestly there is a lot of rot talked about the past. There is what books recommend of the time, and what mothers actually did, which is not always the same thing. In the 50s most mums still did what their mum had done, which was listen to their instincts. Yes lots of babies were put to sleep in gardens as happens in many nordic countries, because babies do sleep better in fresh air. But not normally left to scream in back gardens.

Fizzypoo that is interesting. I used to be in some attachment theory fb groups and regularly there were posts from mums despairing because their toddler was clingy, constantly wanting to be held or nursed, and would not be left with anyone. They were always told that was normal.