To ask your views on Attachment Parenting

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

I was wondering what the MN Jury thinks of this.

I am a little on the fence. I breastfed all my DC for years but did not co-sleep and did controlled crying with one of them.

Just interested to hear people's views.

I followed this pretty much - increasing with each of my children. Breastfeeding for years, baby wearing (yes I used a carrier), co-sleeping, and keeping them at home (or with one carer) for as long as possible. When I had my first I didn't really know about attachment parenting - I did read Penelope Leach though and found her very convincing especially around the need for 1on1 care for children. Later on I read alot more but really just did what I found easiest (and the laziest option really). I didn't like CC so didn't do it but had pretty good sleepers so didn't really need to think about it seriously.

and it's just easier to do that stuff if you're a single parent.

(tricky to do it all while working though, and of course another rod for our backs, but it worked for me).

Oh and she's in her own room now at seven months and has been for about six weeks. I was waking her up when I came to bed, so it's better this way for us both. She's a very independent little soul though.

I did it* as it felt natural to me. I think it made the baby stage easier but the toddler years harder.

• breastfed, used slings, co-slept, no CIO. Didn't manage the ideal birth stuff they espouse which made me feel a bit crap even if rationally I know it was for medical reasons.

Sling, family bed, no crying yourself to sleep. Show the child you love them.

I breastfed all 4 til they were 2, I coslept, I used slings, I never left them for first 2 years (had no choice and noone to help)..

I didn't know what attachment parenting was at the time and did it because it worked for me and felt right. If something works better for someone else that's fine. I hate judgey parents and people lecturing more than any style of parenting.

To be fair, some of the parents I know who identify as "AP" have never had any tantrums, because their individual interpretation of AP involved never laying down a single boundary. It's definitely going to cut down on tantrums if you allow your child to repeatedly hit you when you're trying to eat, or your school age child to crawl around a cafe floor getting under the staff's feet.

I did the things that worked best with my child rather than following a set way of parenting. I dropped sling use early on because he didn't like being in it or being carried around generally.

I think some aspects of AP, especially if taken to the extreme, can be quite misogynistic.

Having said that I ended up adopting some elements of it unintentionally because it genuinely worked for us. So I'm still baby (toddler!) wearing and breastfeeding.

I don't bedshare and never have, although had her in a bedside crib in our room until she was too big for it.

I don't do cry it out but I do let her grizzle a bit at night when I put her down, but will go back in if she's genuinely not settling within a few minutes. She goes to sleep fine on her own but when she was younger (and sometimes still) I'd breastfeed her to sleep.

One thing that I'm adamant about is that I've never raised my voice to her and neither has my DH. We gently but firmly correct bad behaviour but absolutely never shout.

She's a pretty jolly, independent little thing who sleeps through the night, eats everything and so far touch wood has had minimal tantrums, so we'll see how it goes but so far I think just going by instinct has worked for us.

I didn’t do AP. I was as still am very tuned into dds needs. She has a very good attachment. She co slept for a very short space of time as a newbie. I breastfed til 2.5 yrs. She always cried very briefly before going to sleep as a baby. I was told by the hv some babies do and this was not a sign of distress. She started co sleeping with me when we were burgled. Dd and I were in the house and he came in the bedroom where I was asleep. Shes 11 and still wants to sleep with me and is very reluctant to go to her bed.

I thinks its a label. I find it annoying. We all find our way in parenting. I bottle-fed, used a sling, coslept sometimes, did some cc, I wouldn't fit into any club.

I breastfed DS until he was 3 and am still co-sleeping at 3.5 (but gently encouraging sleeping in his bed in preparation for baby due in Jan). DS will happily sleep with me or dh or my parents so I/we can go away for the w/e.

I just did what felt natural/what me and DH were used to. (Both from Immigrant backgrounds)

Attachment Parenting I think is a misnomer as there are lots of parents who don’t “AP” but have lovely well attached resilient children in loving happy homes.

AP can be another stick to beat parents, especially working mums, with. And for that reason I don’t like it!

I do AP with ds2 but not intentionally. Ds1 was at pre school and I found it handy to have him in the sling when I was doing housework and I could let him nap during the school run. Then it was easier to have him in the sling during ds1's activities. I've only just started using the buggy now and he's 1 year. I also co-sleep because he wakes up sooo many times so easier to just breastfeed him in bed. I've found it lovely. Get lots of "advice" from people on co sleeping, breastfeeding and slinging but it has worked for us!

I did some attachment parenting - baby wearing, EBF for 2 years each, fed on demand, responded immediately - but that was because those things felt natural and normal to me. I didn't co-sleep (I need my space!) and I did do controlled crying/night weaning at 9 months with both, because by that stage I was on my knees with exhaustion and it only took a couple of nights. If you follow every tenet of AP though it's like making yourself a slave to your DC and I wasn't prepared to do that. It was all about balance for me and developing a loving, trusting relationship that respected us both/all. It worked very well too. I never 'made a rod for my back' or got into habits I couldn't break.

Honestly, there's nothing wrong with adopting whichever practices work for you and your particular child. Slings are bloody practical, especially if you've got more than one child. It's just bosh to think that adopting a particular combination of practices or processes is going to make your child grow up more secure or sensitive or whatever. In my experience, most people just go with the flow anyway. My three year old still gets in my bed most nights because she's scared of the dark, but we only breastfed for five months and she couldn't stand the sling. My friend was a very vocal advocate of breastfeeding and babywearing but she's also big on routine (I remember her terrifying me by interrogating me about whether I'd missed DD's nap window) and her kids were in their own rooms years before my DD was. My other friend still co-sleeps because her younger child has allergies and she worries, but she also sends her kids for week-long holidays to trusted grandparents so she can have some quality time with their dad. Most of us don't label ourselves - we're just getting by.

AP can be another stick to beat parents, especially working mums, with. And for that reason I don’t like it

I tend to agree with this. I felt very tunes to all my DC's needs but did put them down for naps and only co-slept when they were ill.

Turned out I did a fair bit of it. Had babies in slings (and buggies, but often slings.) Co slept because it felt right. But stopped breastfeeding at 5 months because neither of my two ever learned to latch on properly and it was so stressful on top of lots of medical issues and poor milk supply.

I agree with bees and cheese, read lots but don't follow one method.

Use instinct etc.

I Co slept, Co sleeper cot and bf for 4 years.

I never used controlled crying but probably left my eldest dc to cry for too long, 'sometimes' and I feel guilty about that now.

My four DC turned into very different individuals when they had grown up. I think I parented them in much the same way.

I didn't do slings - couldn't find one that was comfortable and didn't feel like I was going to smother the babe between the boobs.

But I had an old fashioned pram for when they were very little, so they were facing me, and we'd be talking and touching as we went along. I wasn't more plugged into my phone than my baby. Ditto when they got older and wanted to face out - we'd still be talking and interacting.

There are so many ways to show your baby your love, and their security. We all find the ways that work the best for us and our babies.

I was friendly with an AP parent and she said to me when I returned to work “oh you’re abandoning your child to a childminder” what a cock!

We did slings, extended breastfeeding, mat leave for the year and I worked PT. but she was a far better parent than me because she was glued to her children. She was horrid.

Parent as you please but support people’s choices!

Atalune, you've just made a very good point.

The ability to be an 'attachment parent' is as a direct result of being in an economically privileged position.

Children who have attachment difficulties generally have had traumatic childhoods with neglectful or absent (physically or otherwise) caregivers. I dislike the term being used to guilt parents around what amounts to parenting choices.

I did whatever worked for us as a family including controller crying, extended breastfeeding and being a sahm for a long time. Now back to work and loving that too! It’s all personal

I wouldn’t say I follow any “parenting style” to the letter.
But the way I do things definitely falls more into the “attachment parenting” or “gentle parenting” bracket than anything else.
I breastfeed, cosleep, babywear, homebirth, wouldn’t dream of sleep training/CIO etc, more because those things just feel “right” and seem to work very well for our family. There was no real decision making involved in how I chose to parent, I just did what felt the most natural to me.
I don’t see any parenting style as superior or 100% the right thing because every child and every family are so different! What works for my own DCs definitely wouldn’t work for my sister’s DC for example. And vice versa - some of the things she chooses to do and seem to work for her child just make me incredibly uncomfortable and I couldn’t do it with my DCs.
All swings and roundabouts!!

I was friendly with an AP parent and she said to me when I returned to work “oh you’re abandoning your child to a childminder” what a cock!

There is sometimes an air of smugness about APs.