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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared to death that my OH is seriously ill?

338 replies

maz2003 · 15/08/2019 18:50

My OH developed what looked like an eye infection the week before our twins birthday in March. He refused to do anything about it that week but halfway through their party decided to seek advice from the pharmacy (leaving me to deal with the party.)
That was 22 weeks ago.
His whole right face is swollen as is his nose. The swollen area is very red sometimes verging in purple. He has seen his GP ( not the same surgery as me) and she has been consistently hopeless. He has had no blood or labs done. He is a smoker ( smoked 30 a day for 45 years... he is 58). He told her he quit 6 years ago but he didn't.
He has been seen by ophthalmology who say it's not an eye issue. They refused to say what they thought it was. They suggested dermatology. It's taken 8 weeks to get a dermatology appointment.
I am very concerned that this is very serious, however he is old school and thinks the GP always knows best.
I recently betrayed his trust by showing pics of his symptoms to a friend's husband who is a well regarded ENT specialist and he tried to help by suggesting how he could be seen at ENT quickly but my oh is insisting the GP knows best.
AIBU to try and speak to his GP? Is this just unethical. We have 3 young kids and he is a stay at home dad (retired). The children wouldn't do well without him.
I am very scared.

OP posts:
Outsomnia · 15/08/2019 18:59

What can you do really? I know you are very concerned, but OH is probably terrified, and who could blame him. You cannot march him down to the medics without his consent.

Is this affecting his day to day life, any pain, eating issues, vision issues and so on.

Specialists have said it is not an opthalmogic issue.

Please don't nag (not that you are), men are v reluctant to admit there is something wrong, so pace it. If it gets worse and affects day to day life, well then it's time to maybe say it to GP yourself. Agreed, I don't know how ethical that is, or how they might respond to you telling them something as a lay person either.

Hope it all works out. Sounds uncomfortable.

Could it be a massive Sinus infection I wonder. Happened to me. But I am not putting words in your mouth.

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:05

I think he thinks I am a nag. If I am honest I am. My worrying consumes a lot of my day. I take your point that it's maybe me that needs to see my doctor.
I tried to put it out of my mind but after 15 weeks or so it's caused me a lot of anxiety not least as he seems angry all the time. I understand that he is probably scared. I feel we can't communicate about it. We are both tip toeing round it.

OP posts:
Caucho · 15/08/2019 19:08

The first thing he should do is be honest as is ridiculous to hold stuff back whilst seeking treatment. It might not make any difference but if you’ve smoked 30 a day for 45 years what’s the point in lying? Is / was he worried about treatment rationing where you drop backwards in the queue?

The doctors I know aren’t particularly judgemental but the system can be if there’s a priority situation but it’s pretty easy for a medical expert to tell if someone is an ex addict or an active one so bullshitting gets you nowhere

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:09

He has no pain apparently but the top eyelid is now completely numb. This was the major concern for the ENT specialist along with the fact it swells more when he lies flat.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 15/08/2019 19:11

He's probably not in immediate danger if this has been going on as long as it has and not reached crisis. He's an adult, you'll have to leave him to it.

Lwmommy · 15/08/2019 19:11

If the swelling is around nose and eye, it could be a sinus issue. Has anything helped to reduce the swelling, like Sudafed? That could help the GP to diagnose the issue.

He does need to keep following it up with the GP and to make sure he's being referred even if he has to bounce around a few different departments.

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:12

His doctor, I am sure, knows he's a smoker ( he vapes now).
Our CCG don't put people to the end of the queue on account of smoking. He started lying when he was first diagnosed as diabetic as the practice nurse was "nagging" him and he had no intention of giving up ( I am sure she was just doing her job.)

OP posts:
IamtheOA · 15/08/2019 19:13

Yes, you can march him down to the medics! He's a father, he needs to look after himself.
Honestly- there's being a bit stubborn, and there's just being ridiculous

ysmaem · 15/08/2019 19:13

I can imagine how frightened you are OP but I think you need to trust the Drs on this one. Maybe ask if you can attend appts with him? Maybe that will help put your mind at ease?

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:16

He has had decongestants, antihistamines, steroids and several antibiotics- nothing has remotely touched it.
My ENT friend says it needs a CT scan. I have said to my OH that a scan might be a good idea and he broadly agreed but won't raise it with GP.
I think the GP is getting worried as she sent him back to ophthalmology but they told him to go away as they had discharged him. Now he wants to wait for 2 weeks for the dermatology appointment.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 15/08/2019 19:17

Yes, you can march him down to the medics!

No, you honestly can't. You cannot force an adult of sound mind to see a medic if they don't want to Hmm. He's almost 60, not 6, might be a grandfather, too.

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:17

He will never allow me to attend appointments with him. Again he is old school on this.

OP posts:
Alwaysgrey · 15/08/2019 19:18

I’m with @. He’s a father. He needs to be pushing the issue. Why not go the ENT route? At least it can be ticked off.

timshelthechoice · 15/08/2019 19:18

What's 'old school' about wanting to go alone to appointments? I don't take my husband along to mine or go to his, unless he asked or I did. We're adults.

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:20

I can't march him anywhere, he is very strong on his opinions on things. He had a legal career and built this upon never conceding an inch. It's quite frustrating.
I have gone along with this for 19 years. I do feel however 22 weeks and counting into a medical condition that I feel uneasy about that I need to try to do something in case it's time critical. As much for the children as anyone...

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 15/08/2019 19:20

Does he have a temperature? Is the skin that is swollen normal looking (apart from hue) are there any red streaks, is the temp of it the same as the surrounding normal skin?

It could be an allergic reaction...have you changed your soap or laundry products recently?

He could try taking piriton, the highest dose for a few days to see if it helps.. if it does, it is an allergic reaction to something and you will need to try and work out what

There is a chance it is cellulitis, google it... that needs to be taken seriously

There is a chance it is a side effect of his diabetes...is his sugar level well controlled

RitmoRatmo · 15/08/2019 19:22

My first thought was some sort of nerve issue affecting the blood supply/tissue drainage to some of the facial nerves. And then I read that he’s diabetic, and wonder if it could be diabetic neuropathy causing nerve issues in his face?

I’m not medically trained, although do work in an allied health profession and have family members who are diabetic, so I only have an unqualified hunch.

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:23

His blood sugar is controlled. He was on antihistamines for a month at the start.
He was told by ophthalmology and the GP if it was cellulitis the several types of antibiotics would have worked but it was a consideration at one stage.
He has a purple rash on his upper eyelid.

OP posts:
Original poster
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:25

I agree about the neuropathy... I am in healthcare too but scientifically qualified. The ENT was concerned about something causing the neuropathy- something causing pressure.

OP posts:
OpheliaTodd · 15/08/2019 19:27

That does sound really worrying especially the numb eyelid 😕

MyRaGaiaStarFishPieA · 15/08/2019 19:34

Honestly, as a mother and a wife, if my OH was not taking steps to proactively prioritise his health for the benefit of my children (and me) then I would seriously consider divorce. What he has could be serious, and by dragging his feet and refusing to advocate for his own health he could be shortening his life and in turn traumatising the kids.

Original poster
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:40

I can't get over the selfishness of not seeking the right help. I think our relationship is damaged because of this however the children need him. Hence my desperation.
I totally get I can't force a grown man to go to the dr, and when I say old school in terms of accompanying him I get that this is not normal adult behaviour however when I have had things that have affected the family unit I have asked him to come with me ( eg abnormal smear, and ectopic pregnancy.) As an adult and parent I accept that some health issues affect the wider family.

OP posts:
Crotchgoblins · 15/08/2019 19:44

My mum is like this. Serious medical issues and she buries her head in the sand. It's incredibly frustrating and I don't know what the answer is. She just seems to get to the point where she feels it needs dealing with ( crisis point) and then goes to the doctors. Does he have friends he can talk too? What prompted his mid party visit to pharmacy?

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/08/2019 19:47

I don’t mean to scare you but my worry would be a tumour in his post-nasal space or sinus. He needs to be seen by ENT ASAP but I’ve no idea how you get him there. I hope you can convince him.

timshelthechoice · 15/08/2019 19:49

Sorry but I'm adult and a parent and married, too, but I don't feel the need to take my spouse along when I have had abnormal smears or missed MC or 'something that can affect the wider family' (and usually someone has had to stay with our kids, too). Really don't see anything wrong with that. I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. If a person wants and needs someone there, by all means, but it's not that off to not have the need for it.

He trusts his GP. He's the one going to see her, not you, yet you have determined she's useless. It's not like he's seen no one about it.

You say he's not in pain and he's waiting for his referral appointment. Okay, well, there's not much more you can do about it.

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