To be scared to death that my OH is seriously ill?

[maz2003]

My OH developed what looked like an eye infection the week before our twins birthday in March. He refused to do anything about it that week but halfway through their party decided to seek advice from the pharmacy (leaving me to deal with the party.)
That was 22 weeks ago.
His whole right face is swollen as is his nose. The swollen area is very red sometimes verging in purple. He has seen his GP ( not the same surgery as me) and she has been consistently hopeless. He has had no blood or labs done. He is a smoker ( smoked 30 a day for 45 years... he is 58). He told her he quit 6 years ago but he didn't.
He has been seen by ophthalmology who say it's not an eye issue. They refused to say what they thought it was. They suggested dermatology. It's taken 8 weeks to get a dermatology appointment.
I am very concerned that this is very serious, however he is old school and thinks the GP always knows best.
I recently betrayed his trust by showing pics of his symptoms to a friend's husband who is a well regarded ENT specialist and he tried to help by suggesting how he could be seen at ENT quickly but my oh is insisting the GP knows best.
AIBU to try and speak to his GP? Is this just unethical. We have 3 young kids and he is a stay at home dad (retired). The children wouldn't do well without him.
I am very scared.

This is a useful analogy. Ironically we have been through similar situations of denial regarding aspects of his diabetes. None thankfully that have made me fearful of his life but there is a distinct pattern!

But those posters may never have had to deal with a man who refuses point blank to take any responsibility for themselves, who is behaving like a child. At that point someone has to step up and be the adult.

He has seen doctors and is waiting for his appointment at dermatology. He isn't not taking any responsibility, he just isn't handling it in the way other people think he should.

I actually think your idea is a good one though, OP. I don't think that is unethical in the slightest to share your concerns with the GP. The rest is then up to them and your husband.

I am sure I would feel exactly the same way you do if it was my husband. 'Shock tactics' , dumping him at A&E, telling him he is an embarrassment etc does not sound like it will work for him and is pretty mean. Telling him how scared you are and writing to the GP about your concerns is sensible though.

I am truly grateful for all of the suggestions. The shock tactics just wouldnt work for someone of his personality type, but I accept for some it might and all of these solutions are very much appreciated.
I am also grateful for the perpectives from those in similar situations of who have personally faced ill health.
I fundamentally dont agree with interferring in others health matters, but I have carefully weighed this scenario up. I have written a factual account of what has happened and have respectfully asked if all the GPs that have been involved in his case could review it together. I have also accepted responsibility if my actions are out of order and unethical on the basis of the greater good of the family unit, however misplaced this may be.
I have again this morning said that I am concerned to him. It looks particularly swollen today. It gave a good opportunity to bring it up.
Here's hoping.
Thank you all for helping me work through the ethics.

I hope that he sees sense soon and goes back to his GP to push for further tests. Some people can be so stupidly and blindly stubborn.

You say he is retired solicitor, can you get someone else from the practice to stick a bomb up his derriere??

Please don't follow that posters stupid advice and tell your husband he is an embarrassment. It won't help and no way do you come across as anything but worried.

He has seen doctors and is waiting for his appointment at dermatology. He isn't not taking any responsibility, he just isn't handling it in the way other people think he should.

No, he’s not taking responsibility. The dermatology appt is 2 weeks away. He’s let this drag on for almost 6 months, taking the line of least resistance - the word of a rather ditzy GP. The OP is the one left doing the research, contacting doctors, posting here.

I understand that to some people a GP may seem like a medical authority but in the medical world they’re the bottom rung. DH doesn’t have this excuse - he’s clearly educated. He’s twigged that cancer is something to be ruled out but he has not lifted a finger to expedite that.

You can’t rely on GPs. 30% of breast cancer patients and 40% of bowel cancer patients are diagnosed in A&E and had visited their GP 3 or more times.

In my father’s case the GP diagnosed a chest infection when he actually had acute heart disease needing emergency treatment.

Yes, GPs can and do get it wrong, but he has decided to wait for his appointment. He has seen three GPs and I do not think this is about him not taking responsibility or acting like a child. We will have to agree to disagree I guess.

I think the way OP is planning on handling it now is great.

I hope they get to the bottom of it soon OP and it is nothing serious

Would he not go "for you". My DH is always reluctant but if I say will you please go for me as I am worried and ask for x y z he will usually do it.

I am sorry you are having this concern over your dp. I would certainly write to your surgery and get a telephone appointment. Emphasise that your dp has every faith in them but as you have 3 young dcs you are especially anxious he gets a diagnosis as soon as possible.

My dh was referred to the hospital and diagnosed with ulcers, some 18 months after internal bleeding from keyhole surgery to remove his gallbladder. He continued to deteriorate and the dr came round to persuade him to go back to the surgery The gp spoke to the hospital and I had to take him for a second endoscopy. They diagnosed terminal stomach cancer. He died within 8 weeks. Despite having the hospital review his records I never got a satisfactory answer as to why he hadn't been monitored after the internal bleeding. The GP appeared puzzled as to the results of the first endoscopy as she told me she had suspected he was terminally ill. My dh was, as I was told by the consultant, a independent educated man and capable of managing his care. But had I had the slightest concern about the follow up to his operation I would have asked advice from the GP or asked them to follow it up.

Good luck with persuading your dp to get treatment earlier. My sibling, a long time smoker, has been diagnosed with COPD and is having a scan.

The GP is the expert

He is an idiot.

No disrespect to GPs, but it standards for General Practitioner. They are not experts in ANYTHING other than recognising when to triage and send people onto consultants who ARE experts in their respective fields.

He said to me about a month ago "what if this is a tumour"

He is just sticking his head in the sand. I think you need to stop nagging and say very bluntly to him; "If this is a tumour; then the longer you leave it, the more chance you have of dying. Leaving us, your family, behind. It's up to you."

Just don't engage after that.

he has decided to wait for his appointment. He has seen three GPs and I do not think this is about him not taking responsibility or acting like a child. We will have to agree to disagree I guess.

I’m sure you’re aware that the NHS has expedited pathways to deal with cases where cancer has to be ruled out. Generally 2-3 weeks. It’s one area of the NHS that is particularly brilliant. In this case it’s been nearly 6 months.

If I had followed your line and let my dad wait for his GP appointment, he would be dead.

He has one friend who is a prosecutor, however they would NEVER discuss health with one another despite a 40 year friendship.

I am so sorry to hear this. Utterly heartbreaking. Its determining what point to step in.

I think it's situations like this that show me that action is required now.

This does give real context. The fact that the NHS is particularly brilliant in this area needs to be accessed by our family. I just need it recognised that time might be of the essence. I am hoping my letter states that quite unequivocally.

These stats hit home very hard.

Since June I have read ( in fact studied in great detail) over two hundred clinical papers, mainly ophthalmology, but dematology, and oncology. I just wish the GP would even google the symtoms. Very few searches give cause for cheer or hope.

I needed to see a GP while going through treatment for cervical cancer, and the only appointment I could get, was with one I'd never seen before, and my MIL had said was useless.

I told the GP that I had cervical cancer and explained why I was there. At the end, as I got up to leave, she looked at her screen and told me that I hadn't had a smear test for some time, and needed to get one done! When I repeated that I already have cervical cancer, she said, "Yes, but you still need to go and have your smear test!

She wasn't at our surgery for long.

I love my GP though, he's really lovely, comes to see me every 4 weeks, and is great.

Not all GPs are good, and as PPs say, their knowledge is general, hence the name.

My FIL, another bloody lawyer was exactly like that last year - he was clearly unwell and did all he could to put anybody off. I told him that if he didn't do something about his symptoms and I found out, I'd hunt him down.

When the daft bugger was admitted to hospital two months later with (what turned out to be at least the second, if not third) a stroke, I walked in with DP and my first words to him were 'told you I'd hunt you down, didn't I, you silly sod?' gave him a hug and sat down.

He then needed bullying to engage with the physios and to accept treatment. Not nastily, a 'nope, you need this, don't try and argue with me, we'll come back this evening and check you've done it' and rather than sitting down to be the voice of Doom or being all passive and helpless about it, telling him that if he wanted to argue with me, he'd bloody well do it from a sitting position, and if he didn't want the pneumatic boot things on anymore, he was going to have to carry on with treatment so he could walk around and prove he didn't need them anymore. Because I needed him back to argue/debate with me about anything and everything again ('who else am I going to argue with if you're not around?').

He could overrule his daughter and his sister, as he'd always done. He tried it with DP, but he told FIL, smiling 'not this time, Dad. If you refuse treatment, I'm setting Mitz on you and you're on your own there, because I'm not daft enough to try and argue with her'.

It wasn't unpleasant or my really throwing my weight around, it was a case of a stubborn sod who was used to getting his own way all the time being met with somebody who was just as bloody minded and, as I told him, quite happy for him to hate my guts, but he'd have to do the speech therapy in order to tell me to bugger off himself before I'd listen.

He recovered reasonably enough. Because he was lucky, the treatment they offered was fantastic and whilst he is only 66 and moves like a 90 year old now, he does actually move - and isn't dead.

Would being uncharacteristically matter of fact about his situation be enough of a change for him to think 'actually, I'd better do something about this sooner, if only to prove her wrong/prove that I'm right'?

OP I want to firmly point out to you that your ENT friend is not being "nice" as you keep putting it. Consultants don't generally have much time for mollycoddling.

What is happening is an expert in the field sees a big red waving flag and is trying everything (bar bundling your DH into the back of a van) to get him seen immediately.

That doesn't happen because people are "being nice". It is because they are being extremely serious.

Mitz is right, your time to kick arse has arrived.

I am sorry you disapprove of my use of the word "nice". I totally understand that the consultant is busy and didn't need to review the photos or recommend urgent action. I understand all too fully the red flag here, to the point I am getting a couple of hours sleep a night worrying about how I get him to the right medics that can actually help him.
This is as much a post about the awful state of communication that I have with my OH, and the complete disregard he has for my opinion, and his putting himself above the welfare of our family. I guess I knew all of these dysfunctional things about our relationship however this situation has really shone a light on how bad things actually are.
My use of wishy washy adjectives is no reflection of the lack of seriousness that I attach to the advice the consultant gave us, nor do I underestimate the real overlying relationship issues that require to be addressed if we can ever get him treated.
If I am honest I knew of his supreme selfishness long before we had children. I went along with it, so I am complicit to a degree in this. It was always easier to let him get his way. This is the price of enabling that behaviour for 19 years. My bad.

We had another chat 30 mins ago focusing on the symptoms that the consultant highlighted as cause for concern. He rolled his eyes and has taken himself back to bed.

So many are robotically algorithm driven. Utterly useless. I wonder what information she was seeking from another smear. Unbelieveable.

Go buy a black outfit, hat with a spotted veil, put it on a hanger in full view of him.

I have finally managed my OH to take his chest problems seriously flu, then pleurisy which he cannot shake off. His chest has been bad for a number of years. He is now scared after laughing when I had the flu jab each year.

Make plans as to how you will manage as a widow and discuss them with him dispassionately and logically.

Yes, I hope you've got things sorted, regarding finances etc, if you're not married. You don't want to end up, up shit creek if he dies.

As he was a solicitor/lawyer, I would hope it's all watertight, as he knows there's no such thing as "common law".

OP

This is just wrong.

You ate making yourself ill from worry, and your Dh won't even go see someone. Like, even though his face is swollen?
And you won't sit him down and be firm with him?

Is he your husband, or your room mate?
I appreciate you're under stress, but jesus- this isn't about health, it's a power struggle. One that he clearly is used to winning.