To be scared to death that my OH is seriously ill?

[maz2003]

My OH developed what looked like an eye infection the week before our twins birthday in March. He refused to do anything about it that week but halfway through their party decided to seek advice from the pharmacy (leaving me to deal with the party.)
That was 22 weeks ago.
His whole right face is swollen as is his nose. The swollen area is very red sometimes verging in purple. He has seen his GP ( not the same surgery as me) and she has been consistently hopeless. He has had no blood or labs done. He is a smoker ( smoked 30 a day for 45 years... he is 58). He told her he quit 6 years ago but he didn't.
He has been seen by ophthalmology who say it's not an eye issue. They refused to say what they thought it was. They suggested dermatology. It's taken 8 weeks to get a dermatology appointment.
I am very concerned that this is very serious, however he is old school and thinks the GP always knows best.
I recently betrayed his trust by showing pics of his symptoms to a friend's husband who is a well regarded ENT specialist and he tried to help by suggesting how he could be seen at ENT quickly but my oh is insisting the GP knows best.
AIBU to try and speak to his GP? Is this just unethical. We have 3 young kids and he is a stay at home dad (retired). The children wouldn't do well without him.
I am very scared.

Have you pointed out to him that this revered GP has been advising him from a position of ignorance, as he's been lying about his personal health. So he lied about smoking. What else did he minimise?

@IamtheOA it's a power struggle I lost 19 years ago. He isn't my husband.
I sit him down every day, since 12 March.... as I said earlier this approach isn't working.

@callmeAngelina - yes, and he will not let a bad word be said about any of the GPs. He seems very happy they think he is a non smoker. Absurd.

You sound like you are berating yourself! This isn't about your word choice it is about you feeling like you have to justify your opinion here.

Stop that! You are wearing yourself ragged trying to fix his problem. He needs to fix it by getting his arse to the ENT consult you have set up. All the researching etc is done, that's his solution.

Eye rolling! WTF! Get angry woman, don't you ever just completely lose your shit to get the point across?

Said with love!

If he’s not your husband do you at least have a will sorted? I know he’s a lawyer but there’s truth in the saying about the cobbler’s children going barefoot.

It sounds an utterly exasperating situation... Sorry OP you're having to deal with such self centred behaviour of your OH.

Reverse psych...
What about... Saying... :

'' Look it's up to you whether you get checked quickly or not... You know what I've said... Sooner is infinitely beteer than later...
Have you actually got life insurance in place for our children? Where might I find the certificates if your condition deteriorates?
I need to think about preparing our children for a time when you may not be here... How do you propose we deal with telling them??

I wonder if this would shock him out of his ostrich position...
I have some of these males in my family...

I've only ever got them to doctors by a roundabout way

men are v reluctant to admit there is something wrong

My father refuses to go to even the GP when he has a serious bowel condition, high blood pressure and other issues. My brother was the same, it took very a serious bone problem to change his mind. I've never done so, but then DP has some lifelong conditions and so have always got things checked out, although I did wait two years having excruciating abdominal pain and projectile vomming (gallstones and infected gallbladder) before finally going to A&E, was having symptoms weekly.

It could be diabetic neuropathy/retinopathy, especially given the numbness in the eyelid. He needs to realise, if so, then it directly affects the eye and can result in irreversible blindness. Any delay exacerbates the risk.

I was exactly like him in the not too distant past, burying my head in the sand and not wanting to "bother" the doctors. Turns out I did have a nasty illness, which I have for life. My wife gave me an ultimatum, at that moment I knew she was more than serious. I didn't want to lose her, so I went and am glad I did.

I was being a selfish bastard and not considering others.

@simplysteveredux It's definitely not retinopathy. He is checked twice a year however it was checked again by ophthalmology at his appointments.

@PhilCornwall1 was this driven by denial or fear? I have sympathy for fear. Indeed it makes me upset that my oh might be in some way so frightened he can't contemplate it. At what point is it just cowardly to pretend it's not happening.
I relate very much to the not wanting to "bother" the GPs from my OH point of view. It's his generation's approach. Me and especially in relation to our children, are at the GP with the slightest thing. Utterly poles apart!

@IamtheDevilsAvocado - this is the approach that is most likely to work, I have been getting more and more forceful as time has gone on but he extracts himself ( usually physically) from these conversations.
I ask how it is every morning and I am now getting one word, non descript answers.

@maz2003 it was fear to be totally honest with you. I knew something really wasn't right, I wanted to know what was wrong but also didn't if you know what I mean, just tried to carry on as if everything was normal.

When my wife turned around and said what about me and the boys, we are all worried, it brought it home to me.

At the time she was extremely harsh with me, but it was exactly what I needed. I've told her she did the right thing and since then she has given me a few more verbal "kicks up the arse". It may not be nice at the time, but she is doing it for all the right reasons.

Sit him down and outline your fears and concerns. Allow yourself to be totally upfront - cry, whatever it is you're feeling.

When he inevitably brushes it off, ask him about wills, life insurance and what he'd like at his funeral - music, flowers, charitable donations, whether he thinks the 6 year olds are too young to attend etc.

That might get him thinking...

It is NOT a generational thing. It's a pig-headed thing.

@CallmeAngelina I do think it's more prevalent in the older generations. That's not to say it's not pigheaded or selfish. It is.

Didn't you say he was late 50s? I'm 55, it's not a generational thing with my generation. My parents' generation, certainly, but not mine.

I would honestly focus on getting your ducks in a row now you know what his reaction to this type of situation is. I don’t mean leave him but get your finances in order and work out where you would get help with childcare. In an ideal world he would have life insurance that would cover that but I bet he doesn’t.

I think it's a pigheaded thing and a male pride thing, his sense of masculine authority is so central to his identity that he puts it ahead of his health and physical well-being.

I agree with @TheHauntedFishTank
Stop speaking to him about his health issue and start asking questions about wills and provisions for you and your children should anything happen to him. Not only will you hopefully make sure that you are protected in light of anything happening, but it may be the "shove" from a different direction that he needs to pull his head out of his backside. I also agree with what you're doing regarding writing to the GPs. You can but try OP. It must be incredibly frustrating and frightening for you

Has he got a friend he'd listen too ?

Can you reason with him and see if he will come with you to A and E at all?.Just for a second opinion really .If he wont then you will just have to wait for appt .I dont think his GP is allowed to disclose personal information FWIW. Even with close family members

GPs aren't allowed to disclose anything about their patients, but you are allowed to give them information that the patient may be witholding. It will help them to refer to the correct departments/order the correct tests, instead of wasting time and money on a scatter gun approach.

How are things, OP?

Wow this is frustrating!! My husband would be nagged and nagged until he was sick of me and would go again to shut me up. I would also be throwing in the fact that children may end up with no dad if he doesn’t etc.