To be scared to death that my OH is seriously ill?

[maz2003]

My OH developed what looked like an eye infection the week before our twins birthday in March. He refused to do anything about it that week but halfway through their party decided to seek advice from the pharmacy (leaving me to deal with the party.)
That was 22 weeks ago.
His whole right face is swollen as is his nose. The swollen area is very red sometimes verging in purple. He has seen his GP ( not the same surgery as me) and she has been consistently hopeless. He has had no blood or labs done. He is a smoker ( smoked 30 a day for 45 years... he is 58). He told her he quit 6 years ago but he didn't.
He has been seen by ophthalmology who say it's not an eye issue. They refused to say what they thought it was. They suggested dermatology. It's taken 8 weeks to get a dermatology appointment.
I am very concerned that this is very serious, however he is old school and thinks the GP always knows best.
I recently betrayed his trust by showing pics of his symptoms to a friend's husband who is a well regarded ENT specialist and he tried to help by suggesting how he could be seen at ENT quickly but my oh is insisting the GP knows best.
AIBU to try and speak to his GP? Is this just unethical. We have 3 young kids and he is a stay at home dad (retired). The children wouldn't do well without him.
I am very scared.

I hope he gets to the bottom of it soon. As hard as it is I think you just need to back off for now.

BTW you said he was vaping? He isn't lying then about his smoking status (unless he has only recently started to vape). I vape and would answer no if I was asked if I smoked.

I think he's being really really selfish actually. He's got 3 young children. Its all very well to say "don't nag him" but worst case scenario it could be something serious and need treating asap. Its not fair on his DC and it's not fair on you.

GPS aren't experts, that's sort of the point they are general. ENT is the expert, or maxfax

I agree that I think he needs to be on the 2 week referral to rule out cancer. That doesn't mean it is at all but I think the GP has been fairly negligent to not refer someone with those unexplained symptoms.

I'm not trying to worry you OP, and I am not saying it is that at all. I am not a Dr but I have worked in this area. I am just saying that it needs checking.

I really hope you can get through to him

OP you can request a telephone appointment with his GP. They won't be able to discuss his care with you, but they can listen to your concerns.

My other thoughts are what about going to the dentist?
Could you sneakily get him there for a check up

Ring up and ask to speak to them first, explain the situation, they wont be able to talk about him but can listen to you. Then when they see him they are aware and can make a referral to maxfax for it to be seen. They can also do a 2 week referral, and another opinion might push him in the right direction?

This is a potentially sneaky way but if he is due a check up might work? Dentists are actually more trained in the head and neck region than Drs so it is something that we would pick up om

I wouldn’t waste time with the GP. I’d just make him a private initial appointment with relevant specialist - you don’t need GP referral for that. He can be referred back to the NHS for tests and treatment or you can get a post-dated referral from the GP for your health insurance.

Bottom line is if I hadn’t done that for my dad he’d be dead.

He had acute heart disease that needed immediate surgery.

I was going to Nc for this but, I can't be bothered to.

OP, you say OH, not Dh so, I assume you are not married.

My SIL (always called her that as my Db and she were together 2 decades) went time and again to the hospital A&E due to symptoms (not the same as your OH's whatsoever) and was sent home time after time after time - sometimes having spent weeks as an inpatient where they saw and 'treated' her symptoms. After about 6 months they scanned her. My Db and she were married less than a week and now he's a widower and will be burying her next week. She was the same age as your Oh.

Sometimes you have to push harder.

OP unfortunately this is a topic that requires bluntness all round

Is it the case that he would refuse treatment for certain things? I would too but I should say that I don’t have a partner or children who would be drastically affected by my choice.

Also, have you asked him about the life insurance arrangements? Even if you know what they are, it might be worth mentioning it to him in case he’s in denial.

OP, fuck ethics, and fuck being a coward. You need to be the strong one and do whatever is necessary to get him seen. PPs have given you suggestions, such as booking a private specialist appointment, so get on and get the ball rolling tomorrow. You don't have the luxury of doing nothing because you're scared.

Only you know what you're comfortable with ethically, however I believe there are 2 scenarios here (ethical regret, or doing nothing) and the consequences of one may be more significant than the other.

DH assures me that relatives of patients do frequently get in touch to discuss concerns. The GP can and should document these (but obviously not actively give out any information about the patient to the relatives themselves). If your concerns are documented in writing somewhere - particularly in terms of the risk of cancer - there is a chance that the doctors at the surgery may take things more seriously / be more willing to reconsider their own actions in this case.

However, in terms of the importance of something being achieved as fast as possible, I would tend to agree with others about a private appointment (be aware that back-dating NHS referrals is not considered legal by most GPs though).

I’d drive him to A&E, on the pretext of going somewhere else. I’d tell him that either he gets it sorted, or I’ll be phasing him out of family plans. That I already had enough small children to deal with without him adding himself to the list. I’d say he looked a fright, and was becoming an embarrassment to everyone. That it was bad role-modelling on self care to the kids.

Then I’d get out of the car, take the keys and take the bus home. I’d tell him to ring me when he had some answers.

But then again, I’m built that way.

be aware that back-dating NHS referrals is not considered legal by most GPs though).

Not sure what this refers to, or if it’s relates to my above post.

The two options I gave are perfectly legit - to go to a private consultant appt and then go to the GP with the upshot and ask them to refer for NHS treatment if required.

Equally, you can go to a private consultant and if the concerns are validated, ask the GP to refer after the fact to be able to claim on health insurance.

Some private consultants also do NHS work and they can refer you across to their NHS practice for tests/treatment if you can’t afford to do it privately. Of course the waiting times are much longer as you will just join the back of the queue.

As hard as it is I think you just need to back off for now.

Well no, OP doesn’t need to back off. On the contrary she needs to be completely frank with her DP. He’s probably terrified but this isn’t going to go away and she needs to start with the shock tactics. He needs to be told he could die if he doesn’t get some medical attention. Harsh maybe but this could potentially save his life. The time for worrying about ethics or DP’s finer feelings is long gone I’m afraid.

Skittles, what’s the point of that approach? It would be a waste of time for A&E, cause a row and I’m sure he’ll cope finding another way home.

I had something slightly similar with my OH recently with odd symptoms. Long story but he was referred under the 2ww for something that turned out to not be an issue - and when I said he needed to return to the gp for further investigations, he wouldn't until the other thing the GPnhad mentioned had happened. In the meantime the symptoms developed. As luck would have it I needed an urgent gp appt myself and mentioned OHs developing symptoms while I was there. He insisted on seeing him that afternoon.

Well no, OP doesn’t need to back off. On the contrary she needs to be completely frank with her DP. He’s probably terrified but this isn’t going to go away and she needs to start with the shock tactics.

I agree that OP needs to be frank with him about how she is feeling. Ultimately he needs to be the one to take charge of his own health and from everything the OP has said the more she talks about the issue the more he digs his heels in.

she needs to start with the shock tactics. He needs to be told he could die if he doesn’t get some medical attention. Harsh maybe but this could potentially save his life.

He is 58. He knows it could be something potentially fatal, you don't think he already knows that?. He has seen the GP and wants to follow their recommended course of action because he trusts the GP. Whether he is right or wrong to trust them remains to be seen, but as an adult that is his choice.

OP has every right to tell him exactly how scared she is and how she is worried about the children etc. She should do that. After that the rest really is his choice and he doesn't sound like the kind of man who would 'give in' to shock tactics. I am sure there is nothing the OP can say that he hasn't already thought about.

I’d drive him to A&E, on the pretext of going somewhere else. I’d tell him that either he gets it sorted, or I’ll be phasing him out of family plans.

A&E wouldn't do anything would they? They would tell him to go back to his GP. You would be waiting a long time for him to get answers from A&E, that is not how it works.

U2 “but as an adult that is his choice. ”

Exactly. I was referred under 2ww last year and actually said to my sister that one thing that upset me most was I’d refuse treatment if not for my mum.

I didn’t turn out to have cancer but following a complex illness and injury in the past, I don’t want more of certain types of medical treatment. It’s possible her DP is in denial but it’s also possible he’s okay with the risks and would opt for no treatment even with diagnosis of a major issue.

To the best of my knowledge he wouldn't refuse certain treatments.
I also can't "kidnap" him and take him to hospital, although the ENT was prepared to have an ENT registrar waiting, which was insanely kind.
We live fairly rurally and the hospital is in a obscure location relative to where we live. He would absolutely not respond to this, sadly.

He started vaping in January and had previously smoked 30 a day for 45 years. He told the surgery 6 years ago that he quit completely. ( to avoid nagging.....)

I am so sorry about this.

I agree about about pushing harder. Its strategically how to do this that is my concern.

I am going to take this advice and write down my concerns along with the pictures. I have a picture of what I believe (from clinical papers, which I have shared with OH) to be a heliotrope rash. He has a purple eyelid.
I will address the letter to the three GPs and they can choose to formulate a plan or ignore it. There are days when I wonder if I am neurotic and over reacting, and then there are days when I see pictures in clinical papers of his symptoms along with grim prognosis. Of course I am not qualified to interpret these, however I can put the pictures in front of the GP.
While I agree that adults are adults and require autonomy regarding their health. I have to act and advocate on behalf on my children. If the relationship doesn't survive this then so be it.

There are days when I wonder if I am neurotic and over reacting, and then there are days when I see pictures in clinical papers of his symptoms along with grim prognosis. Of course I am not qualified to interpret these, however I can put the pictures in front of the GP.

I’ve been there OP. If you know something could potentially be serious then it’s not neurotic to worry about it.

While I agree that adults are adults and require autonomy regarding their health. I have to act and advocate on behalf on my children. If the relationship doesn't survive this then so be it.

I agree with that in principle too. But those posters may never have had to deal with a man who refuses point blank to take any responsibility for themselves, who is behaving like a child. At that point someone has to step up and be the adult.

I asked my dad, when he was in peak denial before his heart disease was diagnosed, if he wanted to die. He said absolutely not. If he had said yes I would have respected that. But as it was, he genuinely didn’t want to die, he was simply in denial of the whole thing. In the long run he was grateful.

If you think your relationship may not survive this, or that he may not survive you have nothing to lose by intervention. You just need to courage and support to do so.

You might tell DH the story of Otto Plath (Sylvia’s father) - who became unwell and feared (wrongly) that he had lung cancer. For that reason he didn’t go to the doctor.

Later a doctor found an infection on his foot, diagnosed late stage diabetes, by which point the infection was gangrenous and he died.

Diabetes, even then, was eminently treatable.