To be scared to death that my OH is seriously ill?

[maz2003]

My OH developed what looked like an eye infection the week before our twins birthday in March. He refused to do anything about it that week but halfway through their party decided to seek advice from the pharmacy (leaving me to deal with the party.)
That was 22 weeks ago.
His whole right face is swollen as is his nose. The swollen area is very red sometimes verging in purple. He has seen his GP ( not the same surgery as me) and she has been consistently hopeless. He has had no blood or labs done. He is a smoker ( smoked 30 a day for 45 years... he is 58). He told her he quit 6 years ago but he didn't.
He has been seen by ophthalmology who say it's not an eye issue. They refused to say what they thought it was. They suggested dermatology. It's taken 8 weeks to get a dermatology appointment.
I am very concerned that this is very serious, however he is old school and thinks the GP always knows best.
I recently betrayed his trust by showing pics of his symptoms to a friend's husband who is a well regarded ENT specialist and he tried to help by suggesting how he could be seen at ENT quickly but my oh is insisting the GP knows best.
AIBU to try and speak to his GP? Is this just unethical. We have 3 young kids and he is a stay at home dad (retired). The children wouldn't do well without him.
I am very scared.

Sounds like something dm had erysipelas

My late father was a bit like this. My sister rang the GP and detailed her concerns. The GP found an excuse to call him in, and on that basis was then able to refer him to hospital for treatment that day. He recovered fully on that occasion.

No doubt he is very worried
have you told him you are worried? have you told him the dc are worried?

He told her he quit 6 years ago but he didn't

What else isn’t he telling the truth about to the GP? The GP can only go on the information they are given, if he isn’t telling them the half of it- never mind lifestyle wise, I mean symptom wise as well-then it’s no wonder he isn’t getting anywhere.

You can book an appointment in your husbands name and go to the appointment yourself (without him and/or without telling him) and discuss all your worries with the GP. There will be a limit as to what they can actually say/discuss with you BUT if he isn’t telling them everything then you going and chatting to them may result in different treatment options.

Okay, as someone else has already said the c word....he needs a skin biopsy. This was the first manifestation of skin cancer for a loved one. She too was confused by the eye swelling and went to the GP, then ophthalmologist, then dermatologist. She felt perfectly fine throughout, no other symptoms at all.

I think one reason they delayed with her, she wasn’t a smoker or sunbather and after the biopsy there was some stitching to do in her cheek but that healed up fine. I don’t know what initial blood markers would be but they didn’t find them....but the discolouration on her face kept swelling and her eye wouldn’t respond to anything to stop it swelling.

Would he compromise by asking to see a different GP at the practice for a second opinion?

I wouldn't tell him i was worried, I would shout very loudly, louder than would be acceptable on MN, that for my sakes and for his children sakes he needs to seek urgent medical treatment. The GP doesn't know best (otherwise why would they be referring to opthamology again!) I would insist that he either make an appointment with another GP and you go, or directly with a consultant (ENT). If it were a skin condition it could spread/deteriorate so badly the tissue dies, if it were a tumour, it could be untreatable.

His faffing has already lead to him becoming depressed and angry, and you worried sick.

Just say you cannot live like this any more and put your foot down. I have very rarely had to draw the line in the sand in my relationship, but this would be one of those times for a very very frank chat.

I was also going to say not just ENT but a dermatologist- you can usually google your local ones and pay a couple of hundred quid, bypass the queue and then go back into the NHS if needed, most run private clinics. Or go to a different GP and insist on a dermatology urgent referral for cancer, two week pathway.

The ENT lives/works in a different CCG. He is willing to see oh near to us. I have BUPA insurance at work and I told OH to get a private ent referral but he won't ask as he says if that was the right path the GP would have suggested it.
The ENT also kindly offered to have an ENT registrar see oh in our CCG if he went to A&E. OH won't do that. I am embarrassed in some respects as the ENT came up with at least three options.
I have said to OH I am worried. My eldest tells him on a daily basis his eyes looks terrible. That entrenched his position.
I agree reverse psychology might be the answer.

My nana was like this. She'd tell us she'd been to the doctors but hadn't.

Ask him if he genuinely thinks the GP is right, he has nothing to lose by seeing the ENT yet can gain the satisfaction of proving you all wrong.

Perhaps go with him to next appointment and express your concerns. It will also give you a chance to hear the professional opinion.

He had actually seen 3 gps in the practice- they are all part time but one is kind of in charge of his care. I think the lack of continuity is part of the problem.
As for witholding sex to get him to behave in a way I want I am not sure I could make that kind of threat ( I get the irony, given the nature of this post and the ethics.) It's not my style. Our sex life has been less than active. When his eye first became swollen he was utterly exhausted for weeks.
That said his face is currently not overly attractive, but I would never say this to him. He knows it look bad. It looks like a black eye most of the time. School sports and plays have been awkward for him. I would never make that worse.
I think part of the problem is that I am supremely cowardly. I want to be able to say "I am really scared you have something that is serious and that you become very ill/in pain or even die."
I am too cowardly to say anything about death out loud. I know this makes me beyond pathetic but I think the crux of this is a terrible communication problem. Possibly more with me than him.
My worst fear is that it's something that could of been cured or rectified, but 22 weeks ( plus the actual time for diagnosis given he hasn't had so much as a single blood test) is too late.

Could you write him a letter expressing everything you've just said?

Perhaps you should try to find his soft spots eg. 'I know you are an intelligent person, so just trusting one not very pro active gp is that what you would advice others?'
And/or 'i know you are scared/uneasy how can we do this together?'

This is very hard, I understand both of you.

I sympathise OP. My father was a prof of psychiatry (retired) and great with his own patients, yet refused point blank to go back to the doctor when an initial diagnosis of potentially serious symptoms looked unlikely.

In the end I had no choice but to over-ride him and made an appointment with a heart specialist. It turned out to be heart disease.

He’s pulled other similar stunts - wouldn’t go to the doctor when he had an allergic reaction to chemotherapy cream. Won’t get his ears tested despite the fact he can’t hear.

For whatever reason I have to be the grownup and do this stuff for him.

Personally I’d make him an appointment and give him an ultimatum, he’s making your life hell and it’s really selfish.

I think part of the problem is that I am supremely cowardly. I want to be able to say "I am really scared you have something that is serious and that you become very ill/in pain or even die." I am too cowardly to say anything about death out loud.

No you’re not. You could do it. But I wouldn’t over-dramatise it. It may not be life-threatening but it may be serious nonetheless. You don’t want to scare him off.

I would just take the line that it could be serious and you personally cannot take any more stress and uncertainty. That what he’s doing is irresponsible and not fair to you. He does have a responsibility to the rest of his family.

The area around the eye swelling was the first sign of a tumour pressing on the optic nerve for a friend. His GP was not concerned but his optician made it clear he needed to go back & be referred without actually labelling the issue.

Hello - I'm married to a GP. He has told me to post this. I know it will cause you anxiety and I'm really sorry. I showed him your post and he would have immediately referred your DH on a 2 week wait pathway to rule out cancer. I can't advise you on the best way to tackle your DH but I can say that you are not being unreasonable, irrational or paranoid in your level of concern. Sending huge hugs and I hope that you are somehow able to get through to him, as soon as possible.

It's hard to think about and may be nothing but neither of you will know until he is properly assessed.

Could you tell him how you feel in a text if you don't feel able to say it out loud? Framed in how you feel rather than 'you should do xyz '

Are you sure he’s been to the doctors? You need to tell him that his being very selfish not getting this looked at. You rely on him being there and being healthy, so do your children. Tell him he needs to fight for a proper diagnosis if not for his own sake but for the sake of your children, who deserve the attentions of a fully healthy primary career. Say your not prepared to settle for half answers because your children deserve better. Tell him if he hasn’t got the energy to fight, you’ll come and do it for him.

To those who have posted with illness, I am firstly sorry you have been through this or going through this. The perspective is very helpful. Especially around time frames.

Bottomlypottsots2 ( sorry I am new to this and can't tag properly)- this is exactly what the ENT wanted to happen. He suggested a third party consultant for me to discuss this with GP myself but that's where I find the ethics to be uncomfortable.....
I also wrote a letter to GP but haven't had the guts to send it. Also I wondered if a letter was cowardly. I thought it might be better to see her face to face. I know I would cry ( not that it matters.)

He has a background in law? So he has a brain he just refuses to apply it to this!

Flow chart it for him if he refuses to.

Include the lying to drs.

Have him explain what he would do if you had these symptoms and were taking the same approach. What if it was one of the children?

If ever there were a time in a marriage for an ultimatum this is it, sofa til he sorts it or takes you to the next appointment. Hard line.

Make an appointment with another GP, take the photos and your concerns from ENT dr. You are allowed to give information to them regarding another patient (family member) they just aren't allowed to give any to you. Make the legal background known to them too so they know this will not go away if they get it wrong!

Or do all of the above and also just invite ENT for sunday lunch and let him state the obvious!

Billy Connolly was diagnosed with Parkinson's by a random Dr passerby, it does happen.
www.scotsman.com/health/billy-connolly-parkinson-s-diagnosed-by-fan-1-3317752