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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be scared to death that my OH is seriously ill?

338 replies

maz2003 · 15/08/2019 18:50

My OH developed what looked like an eye infection the week before our twins birthday in March. He refused to do anything about it that week but halfway through their party decided to seek advice from the pharmacy (leaving me to deal with the party.)
That was 22 weeks ago.
His whole right face is swollen as is his nose. The swollen area is very red sometimes verging in purple. He has seen his GP ( not the same surgery as me) and she has been consistently hopeless. He has had no blood or labs done. He is a smoker ( smoked 30 a day for 45 years... he is 58). He told her he quit 6 years ago but he didn't.
He has been seen by ophthalmology who say it's not an eye issue. They refused to say what they thought it was. They suggested dermatology. It's taken 8 weeks to get a dermatology appointment.
I am very concerned that this is very serious, however he is old school and thinks the GP always knows best.
I recently betrayed his trust by showing pics of his symptoms to a friend's husband who is a well regarded ENT specialist and he tried to help by suggesting how he could be seen at ENT quickly but my oh is insisting the GP knows best.
AIBU to try and speak to his GP? Is this just unethical. We have 3 young kids and he is a stay at home dad (retired). The children wouldn't do well without him.
I am very scared.

OP posts:
Cocobean30 · 15/08/2019 19:52

Seriously everyone telling you to leave him the it, if it was their partner I’m sure they would feel different?!! I would not let up until he got referred to a specialist, give him a serious bollocking

maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:53

He said to me about a month ago "what if this is a tumour" so it's not that he hasn't considered this (however briefly).
His circle of friends do not discuss health matters. He is estranged from his brother.
The ENT consultant is concerned but in view of the fact he hadn't physically seen him he can't diagnose. He suggested asking the dr for a fast track cancer pathway referral to get the CT scan done quickly but he will not go back to the GP and I can only tiptoe with the advice of the ENT guy as it was a gross betrayal of my OHs trust to even share the pictures.
The ENT consultant thinks his GP is verging on negligent in the way it's been handled.

OP posts:
Dogo · 15/08/2019 19:54

I don't think there's anything you can do

I felt my dp was being economical with the truth at a recent hospital appointment and seriously thought about calling the consultant afterwards but then I slapped myself with a wet fish, realised he was an adult and let him get on with it.

You're not his mother, he isn't a child and unfortunately you have to let him go at his own pace. If the shit hits the fan, he'll need you to hold his hand so be prepared for it and as someone else said, if it's been going on this long without deteriorating massively, then hopefully it's fixable. Good luck!

timshelthechoice · 15/08/2019 19:55

My husband is an adult, Coco, and I know him quite well having been married to him for 20 years and if I 'did not let up' it wouldn't go over well. He is capable of making his own decisions about his health and body without nagging or 'bollocking' him. From what the OP has said about her husband he'll just get more entrenched if she nags him. So don't.

maz2003 · 15/08/2019 19:59

In our relationship nagging isn't the answer. I have avoid it quite specifically until now, and only because I feel it's potentially serious.
On one hand it accept he is an adult and has to make his own decisions. I am very independent myself and I respect his being like that.
On the other hand my twins are 6 and eldest is 9. One of the twins and my eldest are very, very reliant on him.
Into the bargain he is depressed/angry and that is affecting them now. This in itself is raising my concern and making me think about things that 22 weeks ago I would have considered utterly unethical.

OP posts:
CoughSplutter · 15/08/2019 20:01

I think he needs a CT scan...

IamtheOA · 15/08/2019 20:02

Well ok, maybe not actually march him, but metaphorically speaking.

LilQueenie · 15/08/2019 20:05

I would push it because ultimately it does affect the rest of the family. If it came to he worst and him taking his time leads to needing you to take care of him then what? That's unfair.

pinkoneblueone · 15/08/2019 20:07

Does you OH have gout?

maz2003 · 15/08/2019 20:10

He will not budge. As far as he is concerned he has been. The GP is the expert. End of. This may well be the case but the ENT consultant suggests otherwise.

OP posts:
maz2003 · 15/08/2019 20:13

No gout. ( That he has mentioned).

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 15/08/2019 20:13

When you have kids it's selfish not to seek medical help when it's clearly needed.

SeaToSki · 15/08/2019 20:18

So it sounds like he needs motivation to get it seen to. Any chance you can light a fire under him by

Saying he isnt sexy (cause of the swelling, or the fact he wont listen to you) and refuse sex until he sees a ENT

Start asking him about what readings he would like at his funeral

Ask him how other questions about his imminent demise

Make it light hearted and jokey, but make the point

justasking111 · 15/08/2019 20:21

Can you take a sneaky picture cropped to protect his privacy. There are people on here who are in the medical profession.

For £200 he could tell GP to refer him privately, google BUPA Spire consultants in your area.

WhyBirdStop · 15/08/2019 20:22

Is there anyone at all he listens to? DH had a lump on his shoulder for over a year, initially thought it was a spot/ingrown hair. But it just wouldn't heal, and he kept picking at it. I kept asking him to get it looked at but he just said it was nothing, or yes I will, but didn't In the end his mother saw it when DS was sick on him and DH whipped his t-shirt off. She told him in no uncertain terms to get it looked at, I said I'd been asking him to for months, she also told him off for not listening to me and to think about his wife and child. He booked the appointment, it was skin cancer. Luckily not an aggressive form and it was successfully removed.

minibroncs · 15/08/2019 20:25

Sorry but I'm adult and a parent and married, too, but I don't feel the need to take my spouse along when I have had abnormal smears or missed MC

Mneh, you can only speak for yourself. Everyone is different and you don't get to determine what's right for others. You're not superior, you're just different.

perfectstorm · 15/08/2019 20:29

DH is stubborn as all hell. Sometimes you need to blow up at them and lay it all out, and I'd say this is one of those times.

Point out that GPs are human and see every possible manifestation of any problem known to humanity and none of them - NONE of them - can be experts in all areas, which is why we have specialisms. The GP is a primary care triage service and they can and do fuck up because, again, with the human part.

Point out that when you have very young kids you no longer have the luxury of being stubborn or contrary or dogmatic, because what you want matters not a jot compared to what they need, and what they need is a father who safeguards against the possibility that he has a cancerous tumour in his nasal cavity that he's ostriching about. You do not get to ostrich in this situation. You have to face up to it and hope for the very best. That's just the breaks when you choose to have kids.

I'm afraid I think you need to be blunt as hell about the fact that his refusal to be more proactive is failing his children.

I think he's ignoring doing more because he's scared and wants the GP to be right. That's human, but it's also not good enough.

I do understand, incidentally. I've just finished rads and chemo myself, and am moving on to more drugs and surgery, no immediate end in sight. But if I'd ostriched things could look very, very much worse, and that was never going to happen because we have small kids and they come first. He needs to develop the same mindset: advocating for them means advocating for himself at this point in their lives.

timshelthechoice · 15/08/2019 20:29

I never said I was, mini, hence, if you'd read the rest of my post I stated that if that's not for you, by all means bring whomever you like along Hmm or were you just looking for a way to dig? Confused

ReanimatedSGB · 15/08/2019 20:30

I'm sorry you are so worried, but I'm afraid it's his body, his health and his business. Keeping on at him about it is clearly not going to have any effect, so stop doing it. There will come a point where he either recovers or his discomfort is too much and he will then seek help.

Peasandcarrot · 15/08/2019 20:31

Maybe he’s scared it’s something serious and is in denial and if you’re worrying you’re reinforcing it’s something serious which is scaring him more and making him dig his heals in. Lots of people avoid medical help when they’re frightened they have something seriously wrong with them.

Could you try changing tactics and maybe start to say things like ‘isn’t the GP messing you about, why don’t you go back and say you’re worried about it just so they rush you up the queue a bit and you can get it sorted finally’ I know it sounds strange but my dad is similar we have to down play things we’re worried about to get him to go along with them.
He needed blood tests a while ago and wouldn’t go in for them because he was frightened. In the end we had to say things like ‘how annoying they’re making you have a blood test for feeling a bit tired, go and get it done or they’ll just keep bugging you’ I think everyone being calm about it made him feel better about going.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/08/2019 20:34

I think you have to forget your scruples about nagging or bullying or emotionally blackmailing or being unethical in any way. From what the ENT bloke said it sounds like he could be putting his life at risk here.

If it were my DH I’d get him to the doctor by hook or crook, even at the expense of our relationship.

Could you engineer an accidental meeting with the ENT guy? Surely he would give weight to his advice.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 15/08/2019 20:35

There's stubborn and then there's stupid....
My DH decided he knew far better than me (Nurse Specialist) and his GP and ignored what was clearly a dvt until a pulmonary embolism nearly killed him.
Just what is it with these pig-headed men?
I'm afraid you'll probably have to just let him get on with it OP, not easy I know.

Haworthia · 15/08/2019 20:40

He said to me about a month ago "what if this is a tumour"

Well, if it is he has two options, doesn’t he?

A) he pushes for investigations and it’s found and can be dealt with

B) he refuses to do anything about it until it’s too late.

Honestly, I thought it was my grandparents’ generation who refused to seek medical help “in case it’s bad”. There’s no excuse for sticking your head in the sand anymore.

EleanorReally · 15/08/2019 20:42

but he has sought help, he has been to the GP,
have faith op.
please

wibbletooth · 15/08/2019 20:43

Could you suggest he sees a different go at his practice to get a different opinion?

And get him to explicitly ask the new gp why they think it isn’t a tumour and if it is - but they say it isn’t - what is the prognosis of diagnosing it weeks or months late? Maybe find a couple of other things to add to the list on google and say you’re really worried, you’ve been googling and he needs to eliminate these things as an options ASAP so you don’t have to worry as you can’t cope with the mental load of working and worrying about him dying young. Might shock him into doing something about it...

Alternatively can you ask your friend and her ENT husband over to dinner?

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