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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with IL’s gift?

212 replies

DoesThisLookRight · 12/08/2019 13:17

IL’s live 200 miles away from us but a few roads down from dh’s dsis. As such, they are very close to the other set of grandkids but not so close to our kids. They speak on the phone most weekends and Skype a couple of times a month though. We drive up at least 3 times a year for a weekend. They haven’t been down to us once since we moved 18 months ago. They are healthy, can and do drive long distances and we have plenty of room so no real reason they haven’t come down except that they just don’t want to. They even driven past our house on their way to a holiday and didn’t come in for a cup of tea despite me inviting them.

Ds’s birthday in a few days. I opened an Amazon package today addressed to me and find a battered, secondhand copy of Ganster Granny. No note or explanation. After a bit of digging it turns out that this is their birthday present for ds. I received a message from MIL after asking if she knew what it was saying ‘hope ds (name spelt wrong) likes it. I remembered he said it was his favourite book. I hope he has a great day. Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading. Speak soon, love MIL.’

IL’s are pretty wealthy. For my niece and nephews birthday (they’re 2 days apart so got a joint present) IL’s paid for a weekend at CenterParcs. My ds gets a secondhand book that he’s actually told them that he’s already read and already has. No card, nothing. I’m tempted not to give it to him it’s so crap.

I’ve tried so bloody hard for them. I have crippling social anxiety but they insisted that Dh and I have a big wedding so they could show off to their friends. I went along with that and so much other shit just to try and get them to like me and they give ds a book worth 20p from a charity shop.

I know I’m being a brat but it’s just the latest thing after years of being left out and they can’t even be bothered to wrap up a present.

OP posts:
HotChocWithCream · 12/08/2019 13:22

Unfortunately you cannot control their actions - however you CAN control your reaction to it. I wouldn't waste my time getting angry/annoyed (irrespective of how justified you'd be) as they are clearly not worth the effort.

Focus on yourself and your own family. Do not waste your time trying to get others to like you.

Vasya · 12/08/2019 13:23

Yanbu, that's pretty shit. I would make less effort with them from now on - it's not getting you anywhere!

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2019 13:24

Stop trying to engage with them. Dh can do that or just stop contacting them. They're clearly not too bothered.

galaxybrain · 12/08/2019 13:25

Tbf if it was Amazon she might not have realised it was second-hand. Nice of her to remember his favourite book though? Although my son's favourite books are the ones he already has...

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 12/08/2019 13:26

I'd phone them and say ds's gift must have been stolen in transit as he got a second hand copy of a book he's already got, not a new copy of a book he wants to read. And you'll let them sort it out with Amazon as if you give ds a dirty old book he might think that was really his birthday present from his grandparents.
Then I would go low contact and make sure their presents are socks or tights with the price left on wrapped in Christmas paper at their birthdays and birthday paper at Christmas. They sound awful and the less contact you have with them the better.

galaxybrain · 12/08/2019 13:26

Sorry - you said he'd told them he already had it. That's quite lazy of them.

Gizlotsmum · 12/08/2019 13:26

I would tell them he already has it, arrange it to be returned and suggest something else they could replace it with. Don't let them get to you.

BishopofBathandWells · 12/08/2019 13:27

Second @HotChocWithCream. I'd be pretty annoyed but you need to just focus on your family and sod them. Of course, some people will say it's the thought that counts but honestly, sometimes the thought just isn't worth having!

Bettyboopityboop · 12/08/2019 13:27

Yanbu.

TriciaH87 · 12/08/2019 13:28

I would tell her that first he said he likes it because he has it and secondly that it's turnt uo in poor condition. Say you are sending it back as your sure she wouldn't want him having a battered copy of something he already has. I would then say I forgot to ask how did.... enjoy their present at centre parcs. Tell your husband he needs to request his parents treat your children the same as the other grandchildren in future or to not bother at all

PriestessModwena · 12/08/2019 13:28

Has it always been the way with DH and his parents? I know it's not ideal but some parents are like that. It's not fair on your DC, hopefully they don't really notice, children are very resilient.

We have the same thing, sibling lives 2 minutes away as the crow flies, my mother & other siblings have to drive past our road to get to siblings house. My children are actual grandchildren, where as siblings child is their step child.

It's not the first time it's happened, there's quite a list. Luckily DC have amazing Grandparents, so they don't really notice or even speak about them.

I would focus on the positives, maybe even consider going NC with the in laws, so you don't have to worry about them again.

Summerunderway · 12/08/2019 13:34

The only gift mil got our ds was a rocking horse off Freecycle that dh put in a skip...(First dgc's first Christmas)
When he was born she arrived with a HUGE box filled with baby toiletries, gro bag and tiny outfits . Gave it to me then closed the kitchen door....
Was puzzled until fil came in and asked of I liked the goodies mil's friend had sent us!
Truly believe mil was trying to pass the box off as her gift...
Btw I had never met her friend..
And mil didn't get ds anything...
Leave all communications to your dh from now on op.

HappyLoneParentDay · 12/08/2019 13:35

Confront them!

Horrible people like this continue because they can! Don't enable them!!!! I'd be calling and saying you got his joke gift and asking when his real gift will arrive

Coralfish · 12/08/2019 13:35

Have you checked it is not a signed first edition? Bit crap if it's battered but still better than just a second hand book he already has. Clutching at straws...

Cocobean30 · 12/08/2019 13:38

Text her back ‘I’m confused, he already has this book, did you mean to send another second hand copy?’ Unless is a first edition 😂

coffeeismydrug · 12/08/2019 13:38

that's pretty crap.

has your DS always played second fiddle or just since moving away.

fwiw, my parents live abroad and see the DC once it twice s year. yet they are still close. distance is no excuse to be a cunt.

I probably would reduce contact, or try less hard. they aren't interested. hard to accept but ultimately, the only option.

mummmy2017 · 12/08/2019 13:39

Send it back, as bad condition.
And buy crap gifts for them from now on.

Chamomileteaplease · 12/08/2019 13:40

You are flogging a dead horse.

What nasty people. It would be lovely if you could do something as the other posters have suggested to challenge her meanness. But it is up to dh to do this really.

What is the background? Have they always treated dh's sister better?

As others have said, you cannot make someone like you and you cannot change a person's meanness. Make no more effort whatsoever, they have shown that they don't care so you must step back.

bookmum08 · 12/08/2019 13:43

Is it a first edition or something?
The condition of the book (battered and not wrapped up) is a bit beyond her control as she got Amazon to send it direct to you. The seller could of sold it as 'mint condition as new' and that's what she thinks she has paid for.
I would contact her to say the book has arrived damaged so you need to return to sender.
Then in a lighthearted way say "but also he has a copy already but he hasn't got the latest David Walliams so would love to have that".

notoafternoontea · 12/08/2019 13:44

Send it back. Then message her and say:

"I didn't give it to him as he's already got it, as you know, and has already read it. I just wanted to let you know, as I'm sure you'll be expecting a thank you card, but since he hasn't received a present from you, he won't be sending one."

Leave it at that.

Appalling behaviour on their part.

As a matter of interest, did they go to Center Parcs?

virginmojito · 12/08/2019 13:46

I agree its appalling. I would let your DH deal with it though. He should just ask them why they have sent their GS a second hand book - is it a joke? It’s ridiculous and they surely must know it is.

Eggproducer · 12/08/2019 13:50

It must be a first edition, surely? Sounds like they're into literature and know their stuff...

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 12/08/2019 13:50

Chamomile is spot on. You are flogging a dead horse.

Do you have dp who are kinder and spoil him, with affection at least?

They make zero effort and it's you trying to force them into something they clearly do not want.
I would be deeply upset at this lack of care and attention. I like second hand books nealry all dc books are second hand. It could be forgiven in my book (excuse) if it had come with a lovely card and message.

Some people aren't good with gifts. They don't get anyone good gifts. But again to give the others center parks...

Awful. Op, stop making the effort and bridging the gap here. Don't drag your son to the feet of people who don't value him or be kind to him. Be out and unavailable for future Skype calls and fade back. It's not fair to your son.

JonSlow · 12/08/2019 13:51

“DH - any idea why your parents thought a second hand book that DS already owns would be a good present? Maybe you should check with them to make sure they aren’t losing their marbles”

Ponoka7 · 12/08/2019 13:52

Your DH needs to lose his shit over this.

This stuff will damage your DCs self esteem and you can't allow it to carry on.