Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with IL’s gift?

212 replies

DoesThisLookRight · 12/08/2019 13:17

IL’s live 200 miles away from us but a few roads down from dh’s dsis. As such, they are very close to the other set of grandkids but not so close to our kids. They speak on the phone most weekends and Skype a couple of times a month though. We drive up at least 3 times a year for a weekend. They haven’t been down to us once since we moved 18 months ago. They are healthy, can and do drive long distances and we have plenty of room so no real reason they haven’t come down except that they just don’t want to. They even driven past our house on their way to a holiday and didn’t come in for a cup of tea despite me inviting them.

Ds’s birthday in a few days. I opened an Amazon package today addressed to me and find a battered, secondhand copy of Ganster Granny. No note or explanation. After a bit of digging it turns out that this is their birthday present for ds. I received a message from MIL after asking if she knew what it was saying ‘hope ds (name spelt wrong) likes it. I remembered he said it was his favourite book. I hope he has a great day. Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading. Speak soon, love MIL.’

IL’s are pretty wealthy. For my niece and nephews birthday (they’re 2 days apart so got a joint present) IL’s paid for a weekend at CenterParcs. My ds gets a secondhand book that he’s actually told them that he’s already read and already has. No card, nothing. I’m tempted not to give it to him it’s so crap.

I’ve tried so bloody hard for them. I have crippling social anxiety but they insisted that Dh and I have a big wedding so they could show off to their friends. I went along with that and so much other shit just to try and get them to like me and they give ds a book worth 20p from a charity shop.

I know I’m being a brat but it’s just the latest thing after years of being left out and they can’t even be bothered to wrap up a present.

OP posts:
MumW · 12/08/2019 14:49

And send them a charity shop table cloth complete with stains for Christmas. [santa]

EKGEMS · 12/08/2019 14:49

Send the damn book back to her with a note misspelling her name and be sure to make it delivered with signature confirmation and include a note such as "The time and effort for a thoughtful gift or relationship with your grandchild is obviously more than you are willing to spend so until you change your mind we will no longer accept rubbish, second hand presents with zero thought for the recipient." Who gives a damn if it pisses them off? You and the child can go no contact let your husband see them solo

EKGEMS · 12/08/2019 14:50

Sorry for double post sigh

Millie2017 · 12/08/2019 14:50

I can totally relate. My in laws rarely buy ‘new’ gifts for my DC. Never wrapped, but in a carrier bag and almost always completely inappropriate from an age perspective.
My niece, their other GC gets to give them a list of things she would like. Always very expensive items. Always wrapped and on time. They always visit her and make plenty of fuss. My DC usually get theirs late, when they are next passing (they live 10 mins away).
They baby sit her 2 times a week. They’ve only every looked after my child once, when I was in labour and even then they were difficult about the fact I couldn’t give them a specific date.
I’ve just come to expect nothing from them.
We’ve challenged them on the differences and they justify it with reasons such as they are different children, they have different needs and they are trying their best for everyone.
We just sound jealous and bitter if we raise it so have ended up having a very low contact relationship. It’s the only way we can deal with the inequality. Our DC are too young to notice just now. I’m not sure how we will explain it when they are older other then to say we don’t really understand their behaviour and it hurts us too.

RebootYourEngine · 12/08/2019 14:52

This would annoy me. My ds would be treated unfairly by his father's side of the family when he was younger. Now he has no interest in any of them.

I wouldn't give DS the book as it could upset him but I would speak to your dh about his family.

Juells · 12/08/2019 14:53

MumW
Sod that, I'd be tempted to send it back saying he already has this book and suggest they return it and buy something more suitable.

I had a little snigger when I read your post, imagining returning the book to her having danced on it, spread mud on it, broken the spine, spilled stuff on it. Take a photo of it and post to her facebook page with gushing thanks for a lovely gift to her GS. Lots of passive aggressive shit-throwing.

TheWernethWife · 12/08/2019 14:53

My children are adults now but God forbid any family member treating them differently to other grandchildren. How dare they.

BloomingHydrangea · 12/08/2019 14:55

Send it back to amazon

CharlieBoo · 12/08/2019 14:55

I had very similar with my in-laws over the years... they favour my ds over dd and make it blatantly obvious including buying her thoughtless presents and his 4x the value and exactly what he wants. They also favour the other grandchildren from exh sister... Am separated now from my exh and guess what? Dd never wants to go there with him and can see them for what they are... dd is the most lovely child with a huge heart and I just never understood the way they treated her... now I realise they’re just arseholes x

SuzieQ10 · 12/08/2019 14:57

I would have to bring it up. 'It's a great book! Thanks for the second hand copy, although he does already have the same one (his favourite). Would you like me to wrap it up on your behalf, or try and exchange for another he doesn't have?'

It's a rubbish present, let's be honest. It's not about the money it's the lack of thought / consideration.

BloomingHydrangea · 12/08/2019 14:58

Was the name misspelt on the parcel.

Just return as not known at this address

1forAll74 · 12/08/2019 14:58

I wouldn't lose any sleep over this.even though the MIL seems an odd bod and thoughtless. Some people have ways,that others find awful,strange,even mean,so best to just think,that they will always be the same,and probably never change. I wouldn't even mention the so called gift ,nothing to be gained really.

CornforthWhite · 12/08/2019 15:01

Say something. It's terribly mean and you need to mention however breezily. Call them out.

flouncyfanny · 12/08/2019 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpheliaTodd · 12/08/2019 15:03

I’d send a note saying “Thanks for the book. He’s actually still got the new copy we got him ages ago but we’ll keep the one you sent in case he ever loses it”.

BloomingHydrangea · 12/08/2019 15:05

I would reply saying, he already has the book. He doesn’t need a used second hand copy. We have returned it to amazon and you should get a partial refund but they take off £3.50 for postage and if you paid less than that you won’t get anything back.

snapcrap · 12/08/2019 15:10

Feel really bad for you and your ds, shabby and mean behaviour.

However, reading between the lines about your social anxiety (which of course is not your fault), moving so far away near your own mother and meaning dh has to stay away for the working week...I think they were probably really hurt and feel you don't want to have much to do with them, misinterpreting your anxiety and feeling snubbed and sad by the move.

No way should they take it out on your son either way.

flouncyfanny · 12/08/2019 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

womenspeakout · 12/08/2019 15:12

I would do the same back. When it's their birthdays send a second hand poetry or such like book direct from Amazon.

Yeah, send it unwrapped direct from Amazon, exactly the same, then a text saying don't bother to call on the day, we're out.

You can't make up that a GP would be that mean to their own GC.

stucknoue · 12/08/2019 15:12

My in laws brag about the gifts given to h's half siblings and the grandson whilst forgetting we exist. It's my kids I feel for, they doted on them until the grandson arrived and have been ignored since.

MrsGrammaticus · 12/08/2019 15:12

I think it was probably intended as an incredibly thoughtful present. Your ILS might be Amazon rookies and not realised it was a second hand reseller via Amazon.

buttertoasty · 12/08/2019 15:12

Send it back to amazon to make a point and tell ILs you have done so.

make sure their presents are socks or tights with the price left on wrapped in Christmas paper at their birthdays and birthday paper at Christmas.

This idea is also brilliant

Piffle11 · 12/08/2019 15:14

I could have written this. I have tried so hard over the years, and constantly see DH's DB and his DC being favoured, and also MIL's (2nd) DH's DC and DGC. We actually live v close to them, but we've only ever had fleeting visits, very irregularly. If I could tell you what they gave my DC for Christmas last time … well, it's very outing, but it was something they had lying around the house. They are wealthy. One year when my DC were small they gave DS1 a t shirt and DS2 a toy car … MIL's other DGC got a motorised car - the type the child sits in and drives around. We've had 2nd hand stuff passed off as new - dirty, too - and tubs of chocolate that's months out of date. We actually no longer speak (whole other story) but my life is much happier now. You will never change these people - as someone else said, you can only change your reaction. Jeez for £4 they could have bought a new one! I'd stop dealing with them altogether - let DH explain to your DS why his parents are so shit. Let it go, and stop making an effort. Don't stand for it.

buttertoasty · 12/08/2019 15:14

Or their gifts can be a toiletries set decanted and given to the two of them. I.e FIL gets body wash and shampoo and MIL gets the moisturiser.

adreamofspring · 12/08/2019 15:16

Disengage. Hand the book to your DH when he gets home and pass on the message about not calling PILs . Don’t wrap yourself up in this issue or give any negative vibes that your DS might pick up on.

Don’t get disheartened about the center parcs trip. My ILS are super crap present givers but genorous about taking people on holiday with them as they see it as a treat for themselves. They’re not mean or anything, it’s just the way they are.