To be disappointed with IL’s gift?

[DoesThisLookRight]

IL’s live 200 miles away from us but a few roads down from dh’s dsis. As such, they are very close to the other set of grandkids but not so close to our kids. They speak on the phone most weekends and Skype a couple of times a month though. We drive up at least 3 times a year for a weekend. They haven’t been down to us once since we moved 18 months ago. They are healthy, can and do drive long distances and we have plenty of room so no real reason they haven’t come down except that they just don’t want to. They even driven past our house on their way to a holiday and didn’t come in for a cup of tea despite me inviting them.

Ds’s birthday in a few days. I opened an Amazon package today addressed to me and find a battered, secondhand copy of Ganster Granny. No note or explanation. After a bit of digging it turns out that this is their birthday present for ds. I received a message from MIL after asking if she knew what it was saying ‘hope ds (name spelt wrong) likes it. I remembered he said it was his favourite book. I hope he has a great day. Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading. Speak soon, love MIL.’

IL’s are pretty wealthy. For my niece and nephews birthday (they’re 2 days apart so got a joint present) IL’s paid for a weekend at CenterParcs. My ds gets a secondhand book that he’s actually told them that he’s already read and already has. No card, nothing. I’m tempted not to give it to him it’s so crap.

I’ve tried so bloody hard for them. I have crippling social anxiety but they insisted that Dh and I have a big wedding so they could show off to their friends. I went along with that and so much other shit just to try and get them to like me and they give ds a book worth 20p from a charity shop.

I know I’m being a brat but it’s just the latest thing after years of being left out and they can’t even be bothered to wrap up a present.

snapcrap the OP has already explained the move We moved back to my hometown as Dh’s job meant he needed to work in London 5 days a week. My dm is here and dotes on my dc although she is in poor health

OP moved to be near her mother, rather than live near the uninterested ILS who obviously have more urgent stuff in their lives like library books, book clubs etc.

That’s a seriously shit present.

I’d be tempted to say, ‘Thanks for the book-DS already has a copy, though!’

My pIL used to give me carp gifts

I took them back to BHS and had it credited back to their account. I didn’t say anything. They must have seen the credit

3rd year I got a proper gift

Just send it back, they will see that it has been returned

I think we share the same in-laws. My children are treated vastly different to their cousins, it is anger inducing. As such we rarely see in-laws now and that won’t be changing until their attitude towards our children changes. No advice to add other than don’t waste your time on them.

Maybe it was meant to be a thoughtful gift but they didn't realise it was second hand. I'd message saying...
Hi, just to let you know that your gift arrived but it's a really tatty copy of the book he's already got and his name is spelt incorrectly. Did you purchase it from Amazon? I had a similar thing when I purchased something from there and it turned up in really poor quality. I just wanted to let you know so you can get a refund. I'll send it back as DN's may like it if they don't already have it. X

If they were gonna give a shit they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Give it away and put it, and them, out of your head and life.

OP, just say to her - thanks for the gift but it’s actually one he already owns, could you return it for something else.

I wouldn't get involved at all. This is DH's job. They'll be more responsive to him, and care more if they've upset/annoyed him. They'll just be pissed off with you, which won't help anyone.

Tell DH, then step back and enjoy the birthday (and yes, I wouldn't give him the book either!)

Really sad, but their loss not yours. I think I would keep it as a sarcastic family “heirloom”. Last thing you want is for your son to be upset so I would say to him he can choose something from amazon to a certain value as they weren’t sure what he would like.

I'd get dh to ask why your child isn't treated the same, and if he won't then you need to do it.

Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading

Unless it is a live unabridged reading of the whole of The Lord of The Rings they will surely have time to attend it AND speak to their grandson on his birthday. What with phones being mobile and everything these days.

How insulting that they don’t even bother to make up decent excuses. Fuck’em OP. Your poor DH though.

I call bull shit on her not knowing it was second hand. No card either. They are cruel people. I reduce contact and treat them in the same way. No lavish gifts.
Your DH should speak to them. It could be out of sight out of mind.

Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading.

Reply with 'Don't worry, we won't!'

For their next birthday, send them the book, with a card saying 'DS wanted you to enjoy his favourite book too!'

I know this is hurtful and upsetting to you and your DS, but I would resist the temptation to start sending pass agg or just aggressive emails yourself like some suggestions here.

These aren't your parents, they're your DH's parents. He already feels saddened by the obvious disparity in treatment of their DCs and DGCs. I would focus on finding out how he would like to deal with it (as I think this crap present might be the straw that breaks the camels back maybe?) and supporting him - he may well realise this relationship is beyond the point of repair now his DC is being treated poorly.

I know people will say well as the mother you have a say, and I agree, but I still think your DH should see how he would like to handle it and you agree a way forward together. Of course you can, and should, say to DH you are hurt on behalf of your DS, but he will know this anyway, he will be hurt himself and already feeling like shit that his parents aren't bothered about him or his son. The last thing he will need is someone saying "your parents are shit, I'm really hurt and angry and I want to send them old socks for Christmas".

I think if you approach it along the lines of "I don't think we should give this present to DS, what do you want to do? Obviously it's your parents so the ball is in your court but I'll back you up whatever you want to do. It's shit isn't it, you must feel a bit crap" it might be more supportive in what is a bad situation.

I'm by no means a surrendered wife that bows to her husband's opinion but having been through something similar, someone realising their parents don't care that much for them, needs the support of their partner to shore them up and help them deal with it in the best way.

Send them an old calendar for Christmas with an animal on they like.
Knew you liked pandas have one on us!
Nasty nasty people op!

If they've bought it through Amazon it'll have been very obvious it was second hand when they bought it. If you search for 'Gangsta Granny' the first book that comes up is brand new and £4. If you click underneath paperback it says 'used from 0.01p' . They've sent a 1p book.

It can be quite easy to accidentally purchase a second hand book off Amazon instead of new. It's happened to us before (received from relatives and also purchased ourselves). And they clearly remembered that it was his favourite book at least. Unfortunately they are bound to have a closer relationship to your sil's children if they see them more often. That doesn't excuse them spending more money on them, although the Centreparcs holiday may have been an excuse to get away and have a break themselves. Personally I would thank them for the present, politely tell them that DS already has it, and would it be possible for them or you to exchange it for a different book. If you do it, they will need to send you their order code (which will have the amount that they spent on it too, if curiosity gets the better if you). You can then upgrade the present as you see fit (there are quite a few good deals on (2 books for £7). My son loves the Tom Gates books (he's nearly 9) which could be an alternative.

They bought a centreparks weekend for their other DGC! It's no innocent error. This is deliberate and imagine how hurtful it is knowing your own parents are snubbing your child and willing to hurt your child's feelings to either prove some kind of point, or because they just don't give a shit.

Ask your dh to speak to them, and return the book.

He needs to ask them why they sent a secondhand book that ds already owns, why they couldn't be bothered to call him on the day, why they sent such a rubbish note and why they spelled ds's name wrong.

I'd be amazed if they could justify any of it. You could never hope to achieve the closeness of their other dgc, who live nearby and visit several times a week, but all of this is appalling.

Your dh needs to actually communicate how upsetting this is. The worst thing is spelling your child's name wrong. I don't know any grandparent who doesn't know how to spell their grandchilds name!

It doesn't matter if they are closer, if they are pissed you moved or if they see the other grandkids more often. Why the feck is that your child's fault? Why does that make them less deserving?

I'd be bloody raging. Stop letting them do this to your child.

Op bless you...take my advice as I learned the hard way..do nothing.Do not respond,do not reply do nothing.Put the bloody book in the bin and forget about it...well dont forget but learn from the inlaws like I had to.The many years I ran myself ragged,spent tonnes of money I didnt have,drove hundreds of miles to see them all wasted.Mine were and are selfish totally.Now I do what they do infact I am worse than them cos I really do do nothing.I dont send a birthday card,,,a mother/fathers day card or a xmas card and I dont do presents.They don;t exist to me ..If DH wants to thats fine they are his parentshe can see to them and I have no problem with that at all but dont expect me to cover the cracks and try to keep a relationship goig that neither they or I am interested in.I sound cold and horrible I know but I got to the point where so much of my life was spent trying to be decent and thoughtful and kind and got zero back in terms of respect or anything.They never ever said thank you for anything.Tell you how bad it got one time.I drove 200 miles 3 weeks after giving birth (pillock I was!) to take their xmas presents.They didnt even offer a cup of tea and when my baby started crying they turned the telly up...then it came to lunch time again nothing so my fil suggested he nip out and get us fish and chips...now not my favourite meal but I was starving.my husband offered to go with him..duly returned with fish n chips for 4 and said thats 22 pound you owe me..yep they even charged me for theirs...this is and was the last straw.I seethed for days.They have a lovely lifestyle holidaying often and thats fine,,So now I dont bother at all.They take take take and give nothing back so neither do I.Funny thing is though they have lost,(now whether they are bothered or not is up for debate but dont think they are!)they hve lost cos I dont trail down with family.I dont ring to keep the bolt in the nick so to speak and I dont do prezzies anymore and neither does my husband.I said nothing to them just disengaged and funnily enough not one of them ever asked me why...wonder why that is?! My husband says hes too busy and he is to ring them to visit to do anything and although its not been discussed between us our life goes on happily without them.No need for a falling out just disengage!

Turn up on the Centreparcs weekend.