To be disappointed with IL’s gift?

[DoesThisLookRight]

IL’s live 200 miles away from us but a few roads down from dh’s dsis. As such, they are very close to the other set of grandkids but not so close to our kids. They speak on the phone most weekends and Skype a couple of times a month though. We drive up at least 3 times a year for a weekend. They haven’t been down to us once since we moved 18 months ago. They are healthy, can and do drive long distances and we have plenty of room so no real reason they haven’t come down except that they just don’t want to. They even driven past our house on their way to a holiday and didn’t come in for a cup of tea despite me inviting them.

Ds’s birthday in a few days. I opened an Amazon package today addressed to me and find a battered, secondhand copy of Ganster Granny. No note or explanation. After a bit of digging it turns out that this is their birthday present for ds. I received a message from MIL after asking if she knew what it was saying ‘hope ds (name spelt wrong) likes it. I remembered he said it was his favourite book. I hope he has a great day. Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading. Speak soon, love MIL.’

IL’s are pretty wealthy. For my niece and nephews birthday (they’re 2 days apart so got a joint present) IL’s paid for a weekend at CenterParcs. My ds gets a secondhand book that he’s actually told them that he’s already read and already has. No card, nothing. I’m tempted not to give it to him it’s so crap.

I’ve tried so bloody hard for them. I have crippling social anxiety but they insisted that Dh and I have a big wedding so they could show off to their friends. I went along with that and so much other shit just to try and get them to like me and they give ds a book worth 20p from a charity shop.

I know I’m being a brat but it’s just the latest thing after years of being left out and they can’t even be bothered to wrap up a present.

I'll never understand people like this, who'd rather go to the effort of sending something shit rather than nothing at all. I mean it takes actual effort to do that so it has to be deliberate!

OP your DH needs to step up and defend your son against these toxic bastards. And I wouldn't send them anything again, for Christmases or birthdays. If they want a relationship after this, they can come to you.

Although part of me really wants to see their faces at Christmas when they receive a dusty tub of Yardley talc and an opened bottle of Old Spice!

I think you should give the gift to your DD and see what he thinks. You are making judgements on the basis of your own views, he may actually love it. and be what he wanted.
The above maybe a long shot but you want to be sure before acting.
I do need agree with other posters, that you may need to step and stop comparing your self with you SIL. How rich your ILs are and what they give others is not your concern. It maybe annoying to think you are being treated badly, but remember you received a gift that had some thought put into it.

We have a similarly thoughtless grandma. It’s best to allow the ghastly presents to become a family joke. They won’t get any better over the years.
Wonderful presents our children have received included;
A face flannel for a five year old
A diet cookery book for a very, very fit fifteen year old boy
Cheap earrings for a 21st birthday for a daughter without pierced ears
A nylon thong in a Christmas bauble for both girls (we think slightly creepy husband might have chosen them)
Used green nail varnish
A Spike Milligan CD for them to share one Christmas
A bean stringer for me
A box of matches from Majorca for a ten year old.

She’s told the children presents stop at 21years of age.We meanwhile get lists that include cashmere cardigans, a coat, a Kenwood, a new digital radio and an annual holiday. What can you do but laugh?

I’d send it to GP’s

‘Hi thanks so much for DS’s thoughtful gift, however as you know he already has a copy as it’s his favourite. So we’d like to pass the book on for his cousins to enjoys whilst they are in their holiday. I’m sure you’ll have fun reading it to them’

I think the message that LazyLemur has written is perfect. They deserve to be called out for this. Especially the message about not calling they're going out of their way to he nasty to you and DS.

Is your son close to your cousins OP? I only ask because if not you can probably ignore it or raise individual presents as and when they come up. And your son is unlikely to notice or will think that's just the way things are. If he is close to them and they speak, then one day he will be asking why grandma bought expensive x and y for their birthday but he got an old used book or whatever. So it might need to be raised with them before.

@CherryPavlova

That's inventive to say the least. She must have been up all night thinking of some of these!

Best passive aggressive gift I've ever found: the Literary Gifts Company does a great 'Lady Macbeth's Guest Soap'. I'd recommend sticking one of these in the old boot's stocking, standing back, and waiting for the fireworks!

Sauce for the goose n all that ...

Sounds like my in laws.

Sil lives close and her DC got a climbing frame and play house for Christmas...my DC got a broken plastic crown, and a book that has been removed from service in a library.

Mil puts photos and posts on FB all about sil DC. My DC photos she hardly ever likes, and any comments usually revolve around if DC are wearing football tops it's "like their top"

Sil ds graduated nursery....mil was so proud of him.
My DC got a trophy with his name engraved and is a once a year award at school, mil brushes it off as "oh they give so many prizes out nowadays"

Low expectations means you won't be disappointed in future - not great I know, but it's a coping mechanism. MIL gave DH a pretty shit present for his significant birthday. Just for context, we had invited and were hosting his family at ours for a long weekend and I had pushed the boat at regarding food, champagne & private catering. I brushed it off because I've become inured by it over the years but DH reacted really badly over it and had a massive confrontation in front of his whole family over it. . It wasn't pretty and opened a whole can of worms stretching back to his childhood. I had to leave my house and go for a walk with the other DIL - we just left DH & his family to it!

@LazyLemur

Nailed it👍

@LazyLeMur

Nailed it👍

"Dear MIL,

Thank you for DS present. Unfortunately, I had to return to Amazon. I don't know how it happened, but the seller sent a second hand copy! Besides, DS already has the book (as it's his favourite!).

Anyway, best not to mention it to him, as obviously I can't possibly let him have it on his birthday. Imagine him wondering why his cousins get a holiday for their birthday while he gets a grimy, battered old book! I'm sure you understand"

Sounds like I'm in a minority here but I absolutely wouldn't send that message. Your DH should be sorting this out anyway, but even so, I cannot bear tinkly little laugh faux smiley passive aggressiveness with a side order of head tilt.

Not saying what you mean and being all coy and naive is not going to help at all. If your DH addresses it (and I do think he should) he should be straightforward and unequivocal.

Sorry, forgot to bold the quote

I wonder if they just haven't quite put 2 and 2 together to realise that he's likely to have a copy if it's his favourite. The second hand thing could be a mistake.
However, that still doesn't really explain the much more expensive gift for other GC, the suggestion not to call and misspelling the name.

I think your move away probably has been taken personally too. I hope your DH can talk to them about it and sort it out.

I agree CisCity.
They know perfectly well the other kid got a holiday and this one got a book. Sending all the !!!!!’s would make op look a bit simple, tbh.
She either doesn’t like what they’ve done and confronts it directly, or accepts that they’re a bit crap and vows to rise above it.
Arsing about like the ditzy heroine in a french farce is embarrassing for all concerned.

Your DH should be sorting this out anyway, but even so, I cannot beartinkly little laughfaux smiley passive aggressiveness with a side order ofhead tilt.

Anyone who actually knows me would know that that message would be delivered in dead-pan voice with a side order of long hard stare. But you're right. The DH should be dealing with it. Will he though?

We have a similar situation with my in-laws. We don't live far away, they pretty much have to pass our house to get to DH's sister yet DD barely gets a sniff in. The last straw was finding out they'd taken the other grandkids on holiday without even telling us they were going away. They didn't even call to see how DD was before they left. We only found out they'd gone when we called them
to try and arrange a visit so they'd actually see their granddaughter and it was 'oh sorry we're away'.

I don't get how they can treat all the grandkids so differently and still maintain like they have such an amazing relationship with all of them. Whatever they have to do to sleep at night I guess.

I'd stop trying. You can't change what they are doing but you can change how you react to it. It's their loss. They'll see that one day.

I didn’t read @LazyLemur‘s post as a MN, tinkly laughed “oh never mind!!!” post but a straight up seriously toned, pointing out the obvious.

Thats how I intended it @ShirleyPhallus, although to be fair I am a bit of an exclamation mark abuser which may not have helped.

@DoesThisLookRight that is such a shame for your DC, I think at this point id cut contact! They really don't need people like that in there life. All they will bring is disappointment when they grow up & realise these things! X

Out of interest did the parents of the other gc (aunt/uncle) get your ds anything OP? Or are they equally as shit?

The books pretty much a slap in the face. A cheap gift he already has which is in poor condition. Nothing says know your place more. I'd send it back, let them pay the return postage and yes your dh needs to have a word and think about less contact

Just trying to fathom what’s going on in the in-laws heads...You said the in-laws wanted you to have a big wedding so they could show off at it kinda thing. Did they pay for it?

Perhaps they put by a sum of money for each child (ie your dh and siblings) and his has been spent on the big wedding before the children came along so said children get very little. Whereas the wee cousins are still getting stuff as their fathers allocation of cash wasn’t spent on a big wedding so there’s money still in their kitty...?
Can’t think of any other reason to be so unfair to a child other than tight budgeting with no sentiment.
Whatever happens you need to let your hubby deal with it as it’s his parents. Nothing good can come of you doing anything.

They put such little thought into the 'gift' that they didn't twig that, for this to be your ds's favourite book, he must have already read it (and quite possibly own a copy already).
This is intolerably hurtful, and I think that somehow or other they must have it fed back to them. Might be better coming from your dh though.

allli no, my IL’s didn’t pay for our wedding we did and my dm gave us a bit towards it too. My dm was in charge of dealing with rsvp’s and IL’s were on her case constantly. They were determined that anyone that couldn’t make it would be replaced with their friends. Luckily my dm wasn’t having any of it . There’s just been so many moments of my life that haven’t been how I wanted them because I was trying to be a good DIL.

I not going to confront them or tell them to take it back as tempting as it may be. It’s not my place to and to be perfectly honest I don’t really care enough about it to do so. If they want to be dicks then they can crack on. Dh can speak to them about it if he wants to. I shall do that grey rock method or whatever it’s called. Unless they’re rude to my dc’s when we’re there. Then I’ll probably chin them or something.