To be disappointed with IL’s gift?

[DoesThisLookRight]

IL’s live 200 miles away from us but a few roads down from dh’s dsis. As such, they are very close to the other set of grandkids but not so close to our kids. They speak on the phone most weekends and Skype a couple of times a month though. We drive up at least 3 times a year for a weekend. They haven’t been down to us once since we moved 18 months ago. They are healthy, can and do drive long distances and we have plenty of room so no real reason they haven’t come down except that they just don’t want to. They even driven past our house on their way to a holiday and didn’t come in for a cup of tea despite me inviting them.

Ds’s birthday in a few days. I opened an Amazon package today addressed to me and find a battered, secondhand copy of Ganster Granny. No note or explanation. After a bit of digging it turns out that this is their birthday present for ds. I received a message from MIL after asking if she knew what it was saying ‘hope ds (name spelt wrong) likes it. I remembered he said it was his favourite book. I hope he has a great day. Best not to call on the day as we’re going to a book reading. Speak soon, love MIL.’

IL’s are pretty wealthy. For my niece and nephews birthday (they’re 2 days apart so got a joint present) IL’s paid for a weekend at CenterParcs. My ds gets a secondhand book that he’s actually told them that he’s already read and already has. No card, nothing. I’m tempted not to give it to him it’s so crap.

I’ve tried so bloody hard for them. I have crippling social anxiety but they insisted that Dh and I have a big wedding so they could show off to their friends. I went along with that and so much other shit just to try and get them to like me and they give ds a book worth 20p from a charity shop.

I know I’m being a brat but it’s just the latest thing after years of being left out and they can’t even be bothered to wrap up a present.

Asking NOT to call is deeply unpleasant as well.

I would return it to them as a PP suggested with a note along the lines of “As you were aware, DS already has a copy of this book and therefore does not need a second one. I am happy to give you suggestions for future presents as you clearly have no clue as to what is a suitable present for him”

Just be honest with her in a letter. That gifts and effort won’t be necessary from her anymore, the disparity between the treatment of each set of grandchildren is quite frankly not on and you’ll send the tatty second hand book back since your son has a perfectly good copy already.

Stop making an effort with them please, your son might grow quite fond of them and it’s clear they’ll never feel the same in return.

You have to give him the gift , if only so that he realises what shit GPs he has unless your dh is going to deal with his parents before hand . In future stop trying , let dh or them facilitate any calls / emails and don’t visit unless you happen to be going there for something else they are not worth the bother .

What utter wankers, there is nothing I hate more than certain members of a family being treated differently. As far as I'm concerned everyone should be treated the same.

Haha my eldest DD (looked and behaved like MiL's side of family) was the Golden Child, DD2 (looked and behaved like my side) was given any old crap. One time she opened her Christmas present and it was a make-up bag with old make-up dust in the bottom, she'd obviously bought it in a charity shop. DD2 thought it was hilarious, MiL was livid that DD2 laughed when she opened it and saw the old powder in it.

We coped with it by having it as our little bonding thing that we all secretly laughed at. No point in taking it personally.

Dh works away Monday-Friday so I haven’t told him about the present yet. He’s coming back for the day for the birthday so I’ll tell him then. Generally Dh is keen to get his parents interested in us and I think he is hurt by how uninterested they seem in us. He has been upset by their behaviour since we moved. We moved back to my hometown as Dh’s job meant he needed to work in London 5 days a week. My dm is here and dotes on my dc although she is in poor health. For some reason IL’s seemed to take this as a massive snub although they never stop complaining about how awful it is where they live and have never offered to help us out when I’ve been in hospital and they’ve been too busy doing things like returning library books or watering the windows plants .

I would guess this is their passive aggressive way of dealing with you moving further away. Sounds like they weren't happy you moved.

I would definitely have to say something or get dh to, I couldn't let this go and I'd be very surprised if your dh didn't want to sat something too

Why would you get so over involved?

It's her son.

What does the childs father think?

I imagine he's embarrassed and angry that his son is being treated so shabbily by his parents.

Your DH should talk to his parents about this.
And he can’t be nice and patient, he should be very cross, loud and even rude; and only only use words “I” and “my son” . He shouldn’t mention you at all.

The condition of the book (battered and not wrapped up) is a bit beyond her control as she got Amazon to send it direct to you. The seller could of sold it as 'mint condition as new' and that's what she thinks she has paid for.

But she could have bought a new copy from Amazon for all of £4 and avoided that risk. Why on earth wouldn't you?

If they adore your DH, surely the way to deal with this is through him. Surely he doesn't think it acceptable that his child is treated this way whilst his nephews and nieces are treated so differently?

God, they're just awful.

My aunt used to do this crap with me and my cousin, buy her extravagant presents and me a packet of knickers. It does have an effect, especially as it upset my mum so much that I felt I should do something different, so don't let your son know about it or show upset.

The message was worse though, best not to call as we're out, I mean a book signing won't be all day, and it's their grandchild, they should be calling him and wishing him a happy birthday.

They're just awful.

My PILs give my DC rubbish presents too, eg a book with a £1.99 price on the back, even though they're not short of money. It's just how they are and not worth getting worried about IMO. At least it means I don't need to feel guilty about not making much effort with their Xmas presents!

That does sound insulting tbh

Return the book, saying as he already has this book, they could give it to the Golden Child’s children.

I'd be tempted to say sorry, we already have this book, maybe you could give it to your other grandchildren to read in the car on the way to their birthday weekend at centreparcs' then block and ignore.

Sod that, I'd be tempted to send it back saying he already has this book and suggest they return it and buy something more suitable.

A book is a perfectly fine gift, but a copy of your “favourite” book is bizarre. Even if he’d read it at the library, he’s still read it already and can borrow it again from the same source if he wants to re read.
Unless it’s a leather bound first edition of a rare classic, a copy of your favourite book is completely useless.

I would do the same back. When it's their birthdays send a second hand poetry or such like book direct from Amazon.

Send the damn book back to her with a note misspelling her name and be sure to make it delivered with signature confirmation and include a note such as "The time and effort for a thoughtful gift or relationship with your grandchild is obviously more than you are willing to spend so until you change your mind we will no longer accept rubbish, second hand presents with zero thought for the recipient." Who gives a damn if it pisses them off? You and the child can go no contact let your husband see them solo